How would you feel?

[bulletproof]

You can't keep someone on a leash, bottom line. Whether it's this guy or the next guy, you cannot possibly tell someone whether they can run track or not, regardless of who's on the team. If something as minor as track is causing this much upset, there is a lot more wrong with the relationship. I haven't read your other posts but I think I have the gist of what's happening. You are both suffocating each other and it can only end badly. You ask what you should do and I see your only option is to get out, or stop with the insecurities. You have already acknowledged that you can't seem to stop yourself from feeling insecure, so perhaps it's better to call it quits.

[tiredofvampires]

you're right. absolutely right. i told him, yes i TOLD him to STOP talking to her. thereforeeee she was forbidden, so he wanted to do it more. he acted out. he may not have cheated and he may not ..... but he did the one thing i didn't want him to. because i went about it ALL wrong. i cried, begged and pleaded for him NOT to talk to her. he lied and said he wouldn't. and he lied because of the way i acted.

 

You know, just another quick anecdote about what happened to me, with my ex, and in fact come to think of it, there was something about running as well!

 

As our relationship was spiraling down the drain with all these accusations and mistrusting issues, and it came to light that I'd had this male friend for some time and (even though I hadn't met him in person, out of fear and guilt, but we were email buddies at that point -- and you can even see here on this site how much I love to write, so I just loved WRITING)...well when this all came out and erupted in my face, and he started yelling at me that I am "crazy" and "full of " to think that this wouldn't upset anyone, he asked me, (just to be vindictive), "Hey, how 'bout I meet this girl I kind of know and we go jogging together, huh?"

 

I said to him, you wanna go jogging? FINE!! If you want a jogging buddy, I don't jog and if she's good company, then GO FOR IT, BE MY GUEST! If it's a jog and some coffee, why not? If you come home to ME at the end of the day, and you say, honey, I had a great jog, let's grab some dinner, sweetie, that's all I care about! I'd rather a happy jogging man who feels free in his own skin than a guy who feels like he just wants to get me off his back and then even though he comes home to me, he's resenting the hell out of me. Why is that more secure? It's not. It's an acting out waiting to happen.

 

I have to say, that really stumped him. When I said FINE, go jog with her if she's a decent person, he had NOTHING to say! He thought I was actually kidding just to not play into his game, but I was DEAD SERIOUS.

 

He could not imagine a person, a world, without this element of insecurity. He could not imagine that someone would not feel the way he does.

 

He is with another girl now, and let's hope for his sake that she "keeps him safe" the way he was always yelling at me that I didn't. I carried that condemnation and guilt-trip long after he'd cut me off at the knees, and came to eNA. And lots of people told me that someone would feel threatened by my behavior, but the fact is, I am prepared to give the other person the same priviledges that I ask. It's totally a 2-way street. And I'm not free of jealousy and insecurity either, I just know that the more freedom a guy has IF HE LOVES ME, the more I am gonna get his love and devotion for that.

 

If not, and he takes me for granted, that's another matter and I'd end it.

 

It sounds like you might be ready to try an experiement. Try telling him that if he wants to go jogging with her, you've decided to trust this situation, and while it's hard for you, you want to grow and you want his happiness. That you realize he might be feeling trapped. Verbalize your fears as well as what you think he is feeling, and ask him if you are right, that this is what he's feeling. Then he will feel safer to say yeah, that's kind of how it is -- and just feeling understood, he will have more compassion for your fears instead of wanting to escape from them. So let him be with his "friend" and just be very aware of your feelings and see where this takes you. Just a week at a time, see how this affects your relationship to say, (to yourself), "I let go right now and have faith for now." And then watch, wait and see. You might find that he comes toward you when you've allowed him to instead of begging him to. When he can come to you knowing you don't own him, he will come with a much fuller cup.

 

 

Just try the experiment, don't think of the whole long haul, just think of making this different from what you are doing RIGHT NOW. Change your side of the dance and see what that does to his dance steps.

[barbielovesmac]

i know that i cannot keep a leash on him. i know that now.

 

it just makes NO sense that he is getting all upset over me and the male friends that i USED to have. when he's doing ALL this behind my back.

[barbielovesmac]

that's amazing. you are amazing.

[barbielovesmac]

im going in circles. i haven't lost my cool yet. i haven't wanted to cry.

 

although i can't help but wonder what's going on at that meet. he's there now. is she on the team? i don't know for certain. he says she's not. but he could be lying. i'll find out at the next meet. so i don't know why he'd lie is she was.

 

THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH! stick with me, please. this has helped me out SOOOO much. you have no idea. i would've lost my mind if i didn't have this place to come to and vent.

[barbielovesmac]

i think im going to go and get my guy friends back. they all know why i stopped talkking to them. although it was wrong of me, they know why i did it. i still see them here and there. so i know that we could make our friendships work. so i think that's what im going to do. work on fixing my friendships with these guys.

 

we'll see if it's OKAY with my boyfriend. we'll see if the tables turn. see if he likes it. see if he's really okay with it.

[midnightrambler]

i think im going to go and get my guy friends back. they all know why i stopped talkking to them. although it was wrong of me, they know why i did it. i still see them here and there. so i know that we could make our friendships work. so i think that's what im going to do. work on fixing my friendships with these guys.

 

we'll see if it's OKAY with my boyfriend. we'll see if the tables turn. see if he likes it. see if he's really okay with it.

 

 

fair is fair IMO

[barbielovesmac]

i can tell you right now ... he won't like it. he won't like it at all.

[midnightrambler]

who cares what he likes

[tiredofvampires]

it just makes NO sense that he is getting all upset over me and the male friends that i USED to have. when he's doing ALL this behind my back.

 

Well, if there's a double standard there, then shame on him. That's no good.

 

But maybe he's acting pissed off about those guys because he feels like YOU have the double standard (and wouldn't be upset about them if you weren't so upset about the girls). Which came first, the chicken or the egg...

[bulletproof]

I'm not sure that turning the tables on him is going to help this situation, but perhaps it will hasten it's inevitable demise. I'm not trying to be pessimistic, but there are some fundamental problems here that are not likely to go away. Would you even consider ending it? It just seems really unhealthy for both of you.

[EQD]

I'm not sure that turning the tables on him is going to help this situation, but perhaps it will hasten it's inevitable demise. I'm not trying to be pessimistic, but there are some fundamental problems here that are not likely to go away. Would you even consider ending it? It just seems really unhealthy for both of you.

 

i agree with this.

[barbielovesmac]

im not going to do it to "get back at him." im not that stupid, im not going to add fuel to his fire.

 

im going to do it for me. if he can have his female friend back , then why can't i? seems fair to me, right?

[midnightrambler]

im not going to do it to "get back at him." im not that stupid, im not going to add fuel to his fire.

 

im going to do it for me. if he can have his female friend back , then why can't i? seems fair to me, right?

 

absolutely....

[EQD]

Barbie, IF YOU DON'T END THIS...YOU WILL NEVER GET HEALTHY.

 

i also agree with this...

[JadedStar]

Barbie, IF YOU DON'T END THIS...YOU WILL NEVER GET HEALTHY.

 

I think that one liner pretty much says it all.

[tiredofvampires]

i think im going to go and get my guy friends back. they all know why i stopped talkking to them. although it was wrong of me, they know why i did it. i still see them here and there. so i know that we could make our friendships work. so i think that's what im going to do. work on fixing my friendships with these guys.

 

we'll see if it's OKAY with my boyfriend. we'll see if the tables turn. see if he likes it. see if he's really okay with it.

 

NO NO NO BARBIE!!

 

Wrong move!!

 

Don't act out of spite and retaliation, that is just more gasoline on the fire!

 

"Fair is fair"? Okay, if you wanna see things get REALLY ugly.

 

I am not saying to not be friends with your guy friends -- just right now, this is a very flammable situation, and it looks like "nyah nyah" instead of trying to work out the problem at hand.

 

First, no one should have cut off their opposite sex friendships at all. Not you, not him. But now that that's happened on both sides, and the issue AT HAND is his wanting to be out from under your thumb, first tackle that. He lost his freedoms and so did you. But to build that back on both sides, you need to take things one step at a time, and not just turn tables. You first need to talk -- TALK about how he's been feeling, tell him you empathize with his feeling caged and want to rectify that. Then, some weeks or months as this sore is healing (and you are feeling more confident about the staying power of the relationship and his loyalty), then start to introduce the friendships that you want to re-establish in your life.

 

THEN if he balks at that, you can point to this track record of your giving him freedom, so why can't he give you the same? First show him what freedom looks like. First offer the goodwill and trust. Then if he cannot reciprocate, it will be on his shoulders to deal with HIS insecurities, and you have a strong footing in saying, hey, "I walk my talk -- now it's your turn."

[ghost69]

i wouldn't play these games first of all. i'd have all my friends back cause a person like this would not be in my life anymore.

[Miss Firecracker]

You certainly should have all the friends you want, Barbie! Fifty if that makes you feel better. He isn't exactly staying home, is he?

[barbielovesmac]

it's hard to walk away. it's gut wrenching to walk away. i know that i can do it again. it's just a matter of taking that first step. that baby step. it's the sleepless nights ... it's the crying ... the hurt. THEN, then you HEAL. and then he comes crawling back when YOU ARE ready to move on.

 

this happened last time. he made it clear he didn't want me and when i FINALLY left him alone and accepted it ... he came back. and like a FOOL i welcomed him back with OPEN ARMS.

[bulletproof]

im not going to do it to "get back at him." im not that stupid, im not going to add fuel to his fire.

 

im going to do it for me. if he can have his female friend back , then why can't i? seems fair to me, right?

 

Fair isn't the issue. What is the issue is that you are lacking the most basic element of a relationship, trust. And instead of addressing that issue, you are playing games and continuing in something that is flawed.

[tiredofvampires]

I'm not sure why people are saying that if barbie doesn't end this, she won't be healthy.

 

Why is running away from one's demons in a relationship, rather than trying to work them out with the person (so long as that person loves them as is committed) a way to get healthy? I don't get it.

 

I do not know all of her bf's tendencies or past. If he has been deceptive and cheating, I would say BE RID OF HIM.

 

But as I see it, the guy went through a brief confused phase, and is now committed to her. He loves her and tries to please her but it's never enough. She is controlling and insecure, and he's dealt with it so far, but is starting to resent it. Now she is trying to run his social life and make sure he doesn't have female friends, kind of like putting him in a male burkah. He has been honest to the point of a fault, telling her what his attractions were in the past, hiding nothing, so she can see his hand. His honesty has been "rewarded" with even more fear and scolding on her part, so in a reaction to that, he is starting to lie and even throw it in her face that he doesn't like her male friends a whole lot more.

 

They have a chance here to communicate their resentments (him) and fear (her) and try to do something different here, to fix it. And barbie can maybe start to outgrow her irrational fears if she gives him a break, a fair shake, the takes a leap of faith here. Then maybe they can both have more healthy social lives that aren't just about being attached at the hip and possessive.

 

How is it beneficial for barbie's personal growth and healing to just sever it, when this could lead to some real breakthroughs, as long as he loves her and they TALK AND COMMUNICATE about this, and step out of their comfort zones (barbie especially.)?

 

Why is it better for her to end it?

[tiredofvampires]

Barbie, this is a thread I started way back, and you can see how much response it got. Uh, ha ha, it's more like an "article" the OP, but it totally pertains here. There were a couple of posters who worked through what you are going through who posted on here, and came out on the other side stronger:

 

(oh yeah, also, I never got to "Part II" yet! This is just Part I)

 

 

 

[bulletproof]

I'm not sure why people are saying that if barbie doesn't end this, she won't be healthy.

 

Why is it better for her to end it?

 

I admit I don't know much of the history, but I suspect people (myself included) are saying end it because things have gone well past the point of being salvageable. She has created a post about him going to run track. That to me is a sign that things are rather out of hand. They are not married nor do they have a child. To be having this many problems at this stage does not bode well for the future.

 

I think that they both lack the ability to communicate with each other and that the resentments are too deeply ingrained on both ends at this point. I was in a similar relationship when I was 18-21 years old, and looking back on it now I realize how wrong for each other we really were. Successive relationships did not involve the same issues; for some reason, with that specific relationship, we just brought it out in each other. It seems that this is the case for the o.p. and her bf.

[JadedStar]

Why is running away from one's demons in a relationship, rather than trying to work them out with the person (so long as that person loves them as is committed) a way to get healthy? I don't get it.

 

 

I think they are saying this because this relationship has been wrought with lies and deceit since day one.

 

This doesn't mean that Barbie doesn't have her own issues to work on but I think it will be very hard to work on insecurity if you are with a person who has a known history and pattern of lying, as he does.

She would best be served finding a stronger man who is mature and who will stand his ground if she makes unreasonable demands (as she has done repeatedly per her previous threads).

 

If it were this one issue i wouldn't suggest she look at ending it. It has been one issue after another. Once something is established as a pattern you have to ask yourself, is it him, or me, or both? I think a combination of their personalities is toxic and I think a break could do them BOTH good at this point.

 

He does not seem to possess the maturity levels required to be in a healthy committed relationship and her insecurity and jealousy tendencies are also to high to be in one. If she breaks up with him she will likely find a guy just like him if she doesn't do some self repair.

 

Insecure people tend to attract liars, cheats and players.

 

I am not suggesting she not ever be in a relationship until she can really work on everyone of these issues but a break for awhile to tend to herself would be the best path of healing and self discovery that I can advise.