Was breaking up with her a huge mistake?

[CamGuy]

SO, this has definitely been insightful....and Anonymous....I may need your guidance here.

 

I am one month from turning 30, and I am not sure if this is a early mid life crisis I am going through, if I'm just scared, or if I'm just not in love with my girlfriend, but what I can tell you is that in my head exists an ongoing battle that has me super stressed, and has definitely contributed to some recent insomnia.

 

Here is the deal about my current GF. She is amazing. We have so much in common, but perhaps not too much, to where it's annoying. She cooks, she takes care of me. She isn't clingy or needy. She has a fantastic career ahead of her, and isn't looking for me to support her financially. She is beautiful, smart, funny, and likes many of the things that I do.

 

Why, God, why am I not NUTS about her?!!! It's been almost a year and a half, and although I love her, I am not sure I am IN LOVE with her. And it kills me that I don't know why. We never fight, we never TRULY argue about stupid crap. We have similar views on life, faith, politics, etc.

 

Yet, I can't quite see myself spending the rest of my life with her. And it KILLS me. I feel like a jerk. About the only thing I can think of right now that bugs me is the fact that she NEVER wants kids. But the thing is, nor do I really. But, i can't quite say never. It is such a "definite" term.

 

Other than that, I have no clue what is wrong with me. I sometimes wonder if maybe this is just how love is when you are older, because she is a fabulous partner.

 

Or maybe, I should move on, and that she deserves someone who is crazy about her. But i assure you, I do love her. I just don't feel INSANELY crazy.

 

And I am terrified that I would regret ending it. I feel maybe I am just running away. That I am scared. Because there is really NOTHING wrong. NOTHING! She isnt annoying, smothering, etc.

 

I mean, my friends tell me I am on crack if I end it.

 

An advice would do here. This is so frustrating. Am I being unfair to her or myself?

[Anonymous82]

SO, this has definitely been insightful....and Anonymous....I may need your guidance here.

 

...

 

Why, God, why am I not NUTS about her?!!! It's been almost a year and a half, and although I love her, I am not sure I am IN LOVE with her. And it kills me that I don't know why.

 

I don't know, CamGuy. It sounds like this girl has a lot of great qualities that you desire in a partner, but you're just not feeling it for some reason. When you say, "Why, God, why am I not NUTS about her?!!!" I can definitely relate, as I felt similarly about by last ex (I WAS nuts about her at first, but then it faded over the next several months). We eventually broke up because I couldn't get past that feeling of her not being "the one." I couldn't really put a finger on why at the time, but after we broke up, I was able to reflect on the relationship and better understand some of the specific things that caused me to feel this way.

 

As to your comment about love changing as you get older, I do think that's a good point. I think the highs and lows level out, and I don't think it's reasonable to expect to feel madly in love with your partner 100% of the time. But IMO, in a healthy relationship, those strong initial feelings should evolve into a deeper, more steady love, not into a constant questioning of the relationship. If you're wondering all the time whether you should be with the person, you probably shouldn't be, at least in the present.

 

That said, without knowing you or your situation, I have no idea if this girl is "the one" for you. The only thing I can really say is you're probably not going to figure it out without some sort of significant step. Whether that step is staying with her and trying to address it head on or breaking up with her and seeing how time and distance from her changes your feelings, I'm not sure. Of course, staying with her would be the ideal if you think it's realistic that your feelings could change while with her. On the other hand, unfortunately, if you can't really put a finger on what needs to change for you to be able to see yourself marrying her, it's going to be tough to work on your relationship without having that time and distance away from her to figure it out.

 

I appreciate people's willingness to ask for help, and I'm happy to try to give some insights when I can, but I'm really far from being any sort or relationship expert.

 

Good luck!

[trashingdays]

anonymous, thanks so much for sharing your story; it has also been really helpful for me in trying to figure out my situation. i was thinking that perhaps you might be able to give me some advice based on your own experience.

 

it sounds a lot like my boyfriend was going through the same thing as you. we had only been together for 6 months or so, but i felt like it had gotten pretty serious. a couple days ago, he ended it with me, saying that he wasn't sure if we were the right people for each other and he was scared of missing out on the dating scene by "settling down." i know that he had been thinking about this for a while, since he had brought it up a few times before, but every time i would somehow convince him to stay.

 

in terms of us not being "right" for each other, he said that he always envisioned himself ending up with someone more outgoing and spontaneous, whereas he felt that i should be with someone more mature and refined. i guess i always felt that he was the right one for me because i really appreciated these differences that thought it would help balance us.

 

anyway, so two days after he broke up with me, he came back, saying that he made a huge mistake and realized that he did want to be with me. so my question is, could this just be him reacting to the shock of breaking up with me since it was so sudden, or did he really change his mind and possibly realize that i was the right one for him?

 

i told him that i'd be best if we both thought about it for a couple days and let ourselves clear our heads. if anonymous, or anyone else who's been in a similar situation, has any insight on this, it'd be very much appreciated. thanks!

[ghostdog]

Is it possible that it could take breaking up with someone to make you realize she may be the one?

 

 

The reason I decided to end it was that I couldn't picture myself ending up with her.

 

 

Sounds like u might have made ur decision to split up with her prematurely.

 

OR

 

You've got the "i'll never get laid again blues"

 

 

I mean if you could not picture yourself with her and suddenly when she's not with u - u think she's the ONE?

 

OR

 

Ur a committment phobe and u were convincing urself u could not see urself with her..

 

 

based on my own experience- i married a girl that at one point during our dating i could not picture myself with her...then i married her.

 

biggest mistake of my life.

 

 

listen to ur gut instincts prior to the break up. they are likely more reasoned than initial break up feelings.

[Anonymous82]

anyway, so two days after he broke up with me, he came back, saying that he made a huge mistake and realized that he did want to be with me. so my question is, could this just be him reacting to the shock of breaking up with me since it was so sudden, or did he really change his mind and possibly realize that i was the right one for him?

 

i told him that i'd be best if we both thought about it for a couple days and let ourselves clear our heads. if anonymous, or anyone else who's been in a similar situation, has any insight on this, it'd be very much appreciated. thanks!

 

It could be either one, him reacting to the shock of suddenly not having you in his life of him really changing my mind. I hate to say it, and I hope I'm wrong, but after just two days, I'm more inclined to think it's the shock of being alone.

 

I missed my ex, felt depressed, and was tempted to go back to her after two days. Most people who end a healthy long-term relationship probably feel similarly. IMO, it's important to give it time and distance to figure out how you really feel. If he came to the conclusion over several weeks or months that he wanted to be single, how could he then conclude in just two days away from you that he wanted you back?

 

I think it was very brave and wise of you not to take him back right away and to encourage him to take time and give it some thought. I also think it would be wise for both of you to be apart for a little while. You said he'd had these feelings of not seeing a future with you and wanting to be single and date other people for a long time. If he gets back together with you now, odds are those feelings are eventually going to come back again.

 

Just my two cents... I'm sorry to hear about the hurt you're going through and I hope it all works out for the best!

 

listen to ur gut instincts prior to the break up. they are likely more reasoned than initial break up feelings.

 

Dude... I made that post like two years ago. You might want to browse through the rest of the thread.

[shineyboot]

Maybe you are one of these people who is scared when things are too good because you think you don't deserve it. My ex over-thought everything and he dumped me because of what MIGHT happen in the future. Nobody knows what will happen in the future and some can convince themselves things are not good. If it was good then you may regret in time not holding onto that. Special people who you have a connection with don't come along everyday. I think time will tell you all you need to know. You can't trust your feelings right now, so early on. Give yourself time and see how you feel then.

[Anonymous82]

Maybe you are one of these people who is scared when things are too good because you think you don't deserve it. My ex over-thought everything and he dumped me because of what MIGHT happen in the future. Nobody knows what will happen in the future and some can convince themselves things are not good. If it was good then you may regret in time not holding onto that. Special people who you have a connection with don't come along everyday. I think time will tell you all you need to know. You can't trust your feelings right now, so early on. Give yourself time and see how you feel then.

 

Ha ha... OK, again, thanks, but I made that post like two years ago. You might want to browse through the rest of the thread to see how things turned out since then.

[shineyboot]

So what happened, I can't make it out from the thread.

[Anonymous82]

So what happened, I can't make it out from the thread.

 

See these posts:

 

June 2008 (after a had started dating a different girl):

 

 

December 2009 (after I'd been single and happy about it for six months):

 

[gsxr104]

You're the only one who knows for sure.

[soporcogitavi]

Ive been in a relationship for 4 years now and recently just told her we need a break, there's been ups and downs, and the relationship i feel is at a critical point. I realize we both have our faults, but im starting to wonder if the issue we have just stem from us not being compatible. My girlfriend has a bad temper, whenever we get into a fight she is extremely verbally abusive, insulting me and my family often, and telling me things are not working. After this passes and she calms down, its as if nothing ever happened she acts as if we never argued and the situation is over and we should move on. I have seen act the same way to her family, and i have even witnessed her be physically abusive. I am a very analytical person and i like to search for the root of the issue, i often ponder these things for days, and this frustrates her, as she thinks we should just move on and that im just rekindling the situation, which in part is true, but this is because i feel like it hasnt been truly solved. i sometimes wonder if im at the root of this temper and i bring it up by analyzing things and not letting it go, but thats my personality. I know it taked 2 people to fight and im definetely responsible for some of it.

 

We've both invested alot of time and effort in the relationship, but to what point does happiness take a backseat. i havent been happy recently and i actually ended the relationship 3 weeks ago as i was scared, we went back out 2 days later but when i got back with her its almost as if i didnt want to. In the last 3 weeks it feels as if i was trying to find things to fight over. I have often wondered many times how things would be if we got married, and im scared that things would just escalate. I know she's a good girl, and she's thoughtful considerate, and there's alot of good qualities most guys would appreciate it, but im almost scared that if i dont get back with her she will find someone else and i will regret my decision when i realize what ive lost. Even now i think i may have made the wrong decision. im wondering if im just trying to find excuses for not being with her, or trying to find excuses not to commit. Ive been with her for 4 years so shouldnt i have realized all this before? like i said she is a sweet girl and there is things i really like but im wondering if there might be something else out there thats more compatible or not make me doubt if that person is the one.

 

Any objective opinions on this would help, i know this may same clear to some of you, but when you're living the situation things seem cloudy.

 

Thanks

[Anonymous82]

confused0530, based on your description of your relationship, particularly the verbal abuse you took from her and your fear of how things would turn out if you got married, it sounds like you definitely did the right thing by breaking it off. It is completely natural to be scared she'll find someone else and you'll want her back, but I strongly suspect that if you give it time and allow yourself to gain distance from the relationship, you'll gain a lot of perspective and probably realize this was not the right girl for you.

 

I know it can be difficult at first to be without her, but it should start to get easier as time goes by. Best of luck!

[soporcogitavi]

i appreciate the encouragement i guess im wondering if maybe it was my fault for letting things get like this, sometimes im over analytical and dont let things go as easily as i should, she is a great girl and she has many qualities i like, but overall my worry is that when things really get tough, marriage, kids, and both of us working we will just be on a destructive path, but how will i ever know if this is the case, and how can i tell if she's the one?

[soporcogitavi]

i appreciate the encouragement i guess im wondering if maybe it was my fault for letting things get like this, sometimes im over analytical and dont let things go as easily as i should, she is a great girl and she has many qualities i like, but overall my worry is that when things really get tough, marriage, kids, and both of us working we will just be on a destructive path, but how will i ever know if this is the case, and how can i tell if she's the one?

[Anonymous82]

There is no excuse for someone being verbally abusive to you. That most certainly is not your fault.

 

There's no magical answer to how you know if someone is "the one." That's something you have to figure out for yourself. My guess is given all the doubts you've had over the years about your relationship with her--most of which seem perfectly reasonable--that this girl is not "the one" for you. But hopefully, time and distance will allow you to draw a conclusion for yourself.

[soporcogitavi]

how long did it take you, part of me worries that she'll find someone else, and ill feel like i lost something good while im trying to make up my mind, i guess its an insecurity

[Anonymous82]

how long did it take you, part of me worries that she'll find someone else, and ill feel like i lost something good while im trying to make up my mind, i guess its an insecurity

 

About 3-4 weeks to start to feel pretty confident I'd made the right decision. About 2 months to feel basically certain.

 

I know the thought of her meeting someone else is scary, but try to think of it this way... If she's able to move on and find someone else so quickly, either she wasn't the right one for you anyway or she's just coping with missing you being a part of her life.

[soporcogitavi]

its just tough when you actually realize how many people it affects, even my family was shocked as they never saw this side of her, thats why sometimes i wonder if it was me causing her to be like this. And why am i only doing this after 4 years of us being together, was i so blind or am i the problem, maybe ill never be happy. just putting it out there.

[Anonymous82]

You're confused right now (like your screen name as you basically mourn the loss of your relationship. You're feeling depressed and guilty and blaming yourself for things that aren't your fault. This is all natural. Time will give you perspective.

[ebeebie]

Wow. I literally discovered this site tonight, and read through this thread and registered an account just to comment on this exact topic because it really struck close to home for me.

 

My tale is pretty much the same -- I got together with my first ever girlfriend in 2006 when I was 17, she was 16 -- whilst it's true that we were both very young still, we were very much in love. About a year ago, I broke up with her. I handled it extremely badly as I had no experience in this whatsoever...it was honest to god awful. But it was the same reasons, more or less. I'd started to get the feeling that we just weren't supposed to be, and now that I had gone off to Uni, it just wasn't working in the same way that it once had done.

 

So, we broke up in January and had a continued friendship for the next couple of months mostly because she felt we would get back together. But there was a period where we didn't speak and during this time, I started to realize I had feelings for a friend of mine who had always been close to me, and I initiated a relationship with her. Needless to say, my ex found out about this before I had the chance to tell her and has not spoken a word to me in the last 8 months (which I don't blame her for -- shoe on the other foot, I would have done the same).

 

I'm still with this girl and the relationship is beautiful. It works on levels which my previous did not. I'm a lot more laid back (I'm still a student of course, and she is also about to go to Uni) and after 8 months, I'm still very much into her. But it's just the last couple of days, I've been wishing to speak to my ex, and I honestly have no idea where it's come from....

 

I ended things so badly and I don't know if it's just because of that I feel a need to talk to her again. I just didn't think that I could feel confused over all of this when it ended a year ago. I'm assuming that it's because of my reasonably young age and inexperience.

 

 

 

BTW, I would like to say that this thread really is quite incredible -- I honestly never realized how many people go through the exact same thing. Yes, it's naive of me, I know, but hey...

I'm very happy for the OP -- I'm glad you're content with the person you are, and truly hope that you and everybody else here retains that happiness be it in another relationship, or through friends and families.

[Anonymous82]

But it's just the last couple of days, I've been wishing to speak to my ex, and I honestly have no idea where it's come from....

 

Are you wishing to speak to your ex because you miss her friendship, or because you miss being in a relationship with her?

 

I think it's perfectly natural to have feelings of missing someone with whom you were in a relationship in the past, and to miss that bond and closeness you had with her. Yes, you're in a new relationship now, but your connection with each individual person in your life is unique.

 

But if you're unhappy with your current relationship (which it doesn't sound like you are) or wishing you were in a relationship with your ex again instead of your current girlfriend, that would probably suggest you're questioning whether your current relationship is right for you.

[marshmlofluff]

This thread hit a nerve. It describes my ex, and breaks my heart to realize that this is what happened to us and these were his feelings toward me.

 

My ex dumped me (and his five girlfriends before), telling me "well, you know how Jerry Seinfeld breaks up with women because they hold their fork the wrong way? It's kind of like that." And as the OP's early posts, it has been two months and I do not believe he at all questions that he did the right thing, otherwise he'd get in touch.

 

My upbringing was different; I grew up in a culture of arranged marriage. So for my parents and aunts and uncles, "love" wasn't something you fell into or out of; you didn't know the person when you married them. "Love" was something you did. My parents started out with totally different and incompatible personalities, and met twice before they got engaged. Over the course of my lifetime I saw them grow together, accept each other, and neither of them could ever imagine life without the other now. And that is true for many couples in my family.

 

Here is a quote I came accross somewhere:

 

I knew couples who’d been married almost forever – forty, fifty, sixty years.

Seventy-two, in one case. They’d be tending each other’s illnesses, filling

in each other’s faulty memories, dealing with the money troubles or the

daughter’s suicide, or the grandson’s drug addiction. And I was beginning

to suspect that it made no difference whether they’d married the right person.

Finally, you’re just with who you’re with. You’ve signed on with her, put in a half

century with her, grown to know her as well as you know yourself or even better,

and she’s become the right person. Or the only person, might be more to the point.

I wish someone had told me that earlier. I’d have hung on then; I swear I would.”

Anne Tyler, "A Patchwork Planet"

 

So the way my ex let me go blows my mind; Seinfeld is not how real life should be--Seinfeld is funny because he is absurd. My ex complained that we didn't share interests. And no, I didn't replicate his particular configuration of interests in casinos, biking, and telescopes, but I was interested in him and I tried my best; I offered to come to casinos and go look at the stars with him, and got us telescope time. I am not a good biker, but I asked him to teach me.

 

He is about to turn 40, and I can almost guarantee that whatever perfection he is holding out for is not going to come along, and that he is going to spend the rest of his life alone--I have known five or six men like that; who have lived their entire lives without love rather than "settle." And I have a feeling that when someone in a generally healthy relationship says they aren't feeling "it," what that most likely means is that they are not ready for a committed relationship with anyone--because commitment means responsibility, and commitment means work and working through differences. Everybody wants the honeymoon of a relationship; that heady time when hormones run high. Not everyone is mature enough to stick it out when that part is over; easier to dispose of the relationship and move on. Try a few on before buying; what's the harm? If you are my ex, when you hit the flush lever, offer your dumpee kind words, and sincere regrets, and offer to stay friends, and cry and tell them how much of an a______ you are. Pretend that "love" is like a big hole in the ground, so that it wasn't your choice to fall out of it. And when the next woman comes along, tell her that this time you are really ready for "forever." Lather, rinse, repeat.

 

As for me, I don't need sparks and passion and whatever ineffable thing it is that people like my ex-boyfriend search for, and that compels them to string along, then reject and hurt a series of devoted partners. There are degrees of compatibility, but perhaps there would not be a 50% divorce rate in the US if people accepted that "love" is not a flood of dopamine and chocolate; it is waking up to find that your husband was in the bathroom just before you and stunk it up, and forgiving him. That a "spark" is something that needs to be fed and tended and nurtured, that nobody is perfectly compatible with anyone else because people are different people, and there is no such thing as "The One."

 

I have been single long enough to appreciate companionship. And my attitude has always been this--If I meet a good man and a kind one, and he doesn't lie or cheat or abuse or otherwise treat me badly, I don't need him to subscribe to my left-center political views and share my interest in Renaissance Literature. Personally, if I find a good man who is 70% compatible with me, I will give him my love and my life--and whatever our incompatibilities or flaws, his commitment to me will make up the remaining 30%.

 

I just hope men exist who think the way I do.

[crymeout]

i have read through most of this thread and more and more i am now feeling that this is what my ex was trying to tell me.

i guess i have made axcuses for this as i believe he has ptsd and depression post afghan tour, or which i suported him and never let him down, i loved him despite how hard it was and never gave up on him, i guess this is why i feel so bad too the fact he has just taken all that for granted and given up on me, us.

 

he never expressed that he didnt feel he would settle with me, i mean he would talk about marriage and children and he made alot of effort with my son i had had in a previous relationship.

 

he started to get nasty as if he was trying to get me to hate him, i would question him about this and ask why he was so mean and that i didnt deserve this. He would reasure me that it wasnt me, it was his life at the moment, he wasnt happy in anything he was doing...

He left me in oct09 to then miss me and come back after i went NC 9 days later, to then go and say the same thing again this time when breaking up with me, things like i just dont find you attractive anymore, your boring, you dont do anything, you dont make me happy...but then went on to say it isnt just you i am not happy at home or at work or with anything do you even understand how that feels????????????? ...he continued to say mean stuff despite me saying OK i get it i know you dont love me anymore and want to leave so just leave, he then packed his things but kept looking at me and then saying look you dont get it, your not listening, why are you crying, you know its been bad for ages??????? he would also just hurt me more and say...i want a thin gf with big boobs and a tan....oh my god HOW DID HE EVER GET SO SHALLOW. i guess he didnt find me SEXY anymore like you guys said, but he was being nasty about it WHY?????? i am not fat or ugly and i do tan......i get attention for other guys and he knows it...i mean WHAT??????

 

i am so confussed...........i hurt badly

 

. It now been 3 weeks and a day that i have not contacted him.

 

i wonder at times if he feels he made a mistake and misses me that he was just depressed and he through a good relationship away, coz despite this we had a great relationship, we got through alot despite the tours and stresses they cause, i never once let him down, i was hi rock and he was mine, in my eyes he was THE ONE and i cant get my head around the fact he left then came back and then to leave again.

 

he said he tryed to love me like before but kept realising that he didnt........

 

but why come back if not sure????

 

was only at christmas that he told me how much me loved me and that he made a mistake and wont be making that same mistake again, he said he is just stressed and he didnt mean what he said and we will be ok.................

 

well clearly we wernt as he left me again....

 

but i know if this was the case and he regretted it again and missed me he would have been in touch by now wouldnt he? and he hasnt i guess he is happier without me and i even think possibly with someone new as he isnt thinking about us anymore.

 

i know he is messed up and has problems in his life atm with work and all that, but why leave me, i feel he has taken me for granted and i just feel so hurt and abandoned and i am now feeling very depressed. I cant reach out to him becoz i will just seem desperate. And others say if u leave him he will realise again and come back like the last time, you are meant to be, but now as time goes on i am kinda thinking it is like you guys have said, as time goes on he is forgetting rather than missing and is telling himself he did the right thing.

 

We did try remain friends he said he would, and i would just act normal as if i was ok with things asking how he was, he wudnt answer, or id get short answers almost like he sisnt want to be in contact but felt he had to coz he felt bad for breaking up with me.

and so well i sent him a txt saying i was leaving him alone that i wasnt ready to be freinds that i was stil so hurt and needed time alone to heal and move on with my life. I wished him well i said i forgave him for them horrid things he said and that i didnt want to be on bad terms after everything we had been though, i also said i hope he can get help for the way he is feeling and can be happier in life...

 

all i got back was....

 

(my name) i am happy ok.

 

this really upset me i thought WHY couldnt he even just wish em well too and leave it on good terms like i was trying to hard to do, it was hard for me to say that but i did and well he didnt even care, he didnt apologise for what he had said and how he ended things and he couldnt even wish me well after all we have been through...i am hurt by this..

 

so i sent a txt which i deeply regret saying how i was dispointed that he cudnt even say sorry and wish me well after everything and the fact i did nothing wrong, he just symply left me coz he thought i wasnt good enough.... and wanted more...(this is why i am so worried he has gone off with someone else) now i want him to be happy but i just dont understand it all....i said i didnt want nothing more to do with him (totally blown any chance of him missing me and asking for me back if he felt he made the wrong choice) i feel awful...

 

all he txt back was dont keep txting me then........

 

and so i said dont worry i wont be............

 

its been 3 weeks and 1 day since i said this, i am hurt, i feel lost, nothing i can do can make me feel better, i have tryed going out and having fun and al that but nothing and noone can compair to my ex and when guys hit on me, eventho its flattering to know others notice you, they are just not him and i end up crying and feeling like something is missing and i am never going to beable to fill that viod again............#

 

it took me ages to meet a decent guy like my ex and i know how hard it is to meet someone that makes you feel this way and now i feel i am lost and i miss him and i want him back

 

i feel so alone right now, its like hes gone on tour again to afghan but this time he really isnt coming back

](*,)

[useyourki]

yeah, we invest so much time and emotion with someone, and it when those feelings evolve into love, it hurts even more when things don't work out.

 

stay positive and socialize. it's been my healing remedy. when i'm around people i have less time to think about all the crap, and friends are always there to support you. i hope you are doing better now. we all need more happy-times in our lives. give it time.

[somename]

Anonymous82, I think your past relationship and mine has a lot in commnon, and I think we, and our current/ex-girlfriends have a lot in common also. I too have the gut feeling that we just can't go on, but I also have the fear of breaking up with her might be the most idiotic thing I will ever do.

 

I have started a thread about it here, but you guys are welcome to continue the discussion here.

enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=333003

 

Heres the post:

 

Let me try to gather my thoughts now. Feelings can sometimes be complicated when they are conflicting. I don't quite know where to start, but I guess I can start with how im feeling right now -- trapped. Trapped in the sense that I love her deeply, and every feeling I have tells me that breaking up with her will make me feel like someone I love died, but my common sense tells me that we can not go on. I have had this feeling for some time, but always shook it off me, telling myself that it'll be alright, we'll manage, we're not THAT different. But the thing is, im from Scandinavia, she's from behind the ol' curtain. Now the cultural differences are not a problem, but she doesn't speak my language, which she of course can learn... but she does not see a reason to learn it, which is kind of a big deal if she wants to get to know my family and were going to have relations with my family in the future (I will of course learn hers also). So apparently its not that important to get to know my family. And its not only that, she's got immense problems letting me go to events I want to, like spending time with friends (am I not enough?), going to parties (getting home at 1 is too late!), or disliking all the people I consider friends (thats not a good friend, those people are not very nice when they dont behave like this or that). Its not like I am doing any of these things excessively, like 2 or 3 times a month. I should probably add that were living together in my homecountry, and she still haven't managed to form a relationship with anyone so she's completely alone... I have for a long time suspected that she could be helped a lot by a psychiatrist and a lot of her traits probably fits in a psychology schoolbook about people not being loved enough in childhood. And indeed she wasn't. And, is my impression, was also very lonely, abandoned and depressed and full of despair (and inches from suicide) as a teenager. But she's got her feelings neatly packed and organized in her mind now, and I don't think she dare unpack whats hidden there, and even if she does I don't think it will change much. A last thing: we will have to move to a third country if we decide to start a family because of our career choices. All in all this means that I will most likely leave behind a huge amount of people who I love and care for, which would be OK, if it wasnt for the fact that she probably would not would be interested in getting more involved with my family (I think this is a very important thing if we had kids), by learning the language, visiting them on a regular basis. Or even in the third country we would probably not get to form many, if any at all, new relationships with new friends, as she is quite 'selective' in who she likes and dislikes.

 

Its not supposed to be all about her, I have lots of shortcomings I am aware of, and which she really dislikes and traits I dont posses, but she values. One thing though, if there were nothing around us we would probably be the happiest couple. But you can ask 'who cares, as long as you love each other'. And you would be right, which leads me to the question: Would it be better for each of us in the long run if we ended it? Except I think I am the first one who have really loved her, and breaking up would probably destroy her.

 

Hope I don't sound crazy. Just a side note, were the same age roughly 27 both of us, and been together for two of those.