Was breaking up with her a huge mistake?

[Anonymous82]

Great perspective evam... Thanks for sharing! Best wishes on whatever's down the road.

[enweth]

There are a lot of stories where people have broken up due to one party being unsure. Has there ever been a case where the guy or girl return after realizing that it was indeed a mistake to break up? Of course people who have successfully reconciled will not be looking at this forum anymore.

[Anonymous82]

There are a lot of stories where people have broken up due to one party being unsure. Has there ever been a case where the guy or girl return after realizing that it was indeed a mistake to break up?

 

I definitely know of cases where the person who initiated the breakup returned soon down the road to attempt to reconcile.

 

I will say that in my personal experience, when I've seen relationships go this route, they typically don't end up working out... but nothing's an absolute and every situation is unique.

[enweth]

To all men who dumped their ex gfs due to lost of feelings of just "something" is missing. How would you feel if your ex gf contacts you?I'm on the other side of the spectrum, my ex bf has dumped me for the exact same reasons. it has been 2.5 weeks and i've been thinking of just checking in on him. Is this a good idea?

[jessie89]

To all men who dumped their ex gfs due to lost of feelings of just "something" is missing. How would you feel if your ex gf contacts you?I'm on the other side of the spectrum, my ex bf has dumped me for the exact same reasons. it has been 2.5 weeks and i've been thinking of just checking in on him. Is this a good idea?

 

I was in your position a year ago and I was desperate for answers too as to why my ex left me due to changed feelings. Looking back now I'm glad he did because we'd never of worked out. He was too insecure and possessive and I wasn't completely happy deep down. I bet soon enough in time you'll feel the same, you won't care and you'll realise it was for the best. Take my word on this because I can't even begin to tell you how heartbroken I was.

[Anonymous82]

To all men who dumped their ex gfs due to lost of feelings of just "something" is missing. How would you feel if your ex gf contacts you?I'm on the other side of the spectrum, my ex bf has dumped me for the exact same reasons. it has been 2.5 weeks and i've been thinking of just checking in on him. Is this a good idea?

 

Every situation is different, but if he broke up with you, I think it's often best to let him come to you. If you go to him, you risk either pushing him further away or pushing him back together with you before he's ready, which could lead to even worse heartbreak down the road.

 

If he has already definitively ended the relationship, he's probably trying to move on and it would be best to start trying to focus on doing so yourself too. If he has requested time and distance to figure out what he wants, it's generally best to give him that... even if the ultimate result is not a reconciliation.

 

Best wishes.

[Marty99]

Ok, hello everybody and I want to tell my story. In advance I apologize for the mistakes I will make because English is not my native language.

 

I broke up with my girlfriend two days ago. I am 26, she is 25. This was the hardest decision that I made in my miserable life. We were in relationship for about 1,5 year. I am feeling awful, desperate, sick, empty, all the bad emotions fits here. I cry a lot and all I can think of is coming back to her and tell her that everything will be alright but I know that I can't because I can't guarantee her that this sh** will not happen again causing her suffer much more. The reason why I left her is that abstract I don't feeling "it".

 

I will try to tell my story with some details from the beginning (maybe this help me to realize things too).

 

I live in a small town. I knew that one girl feels sympathy for me. I have known her since the childhood: we went to school in 1-2 grade (when we were 7-8 yo) When I was a teenager or a young man (17-21 yo) we had some familiar people with who I was playing basketball and she was there watching us playing. Sometimes I called her for a dinner or go to the cinema (this was really rare, 1-2 times a year). I didn't feel anything for her I just wanted to spent some of my free time. But I knew she wanted to be more than just friends with me.

 

In 2014 summer I found a job (my first job) and I felt like I need a girlfriend! I don't know why but I wanted to be in a relationship. But not real relationship, more like a just a fling because I was feeling AWESOME being alone. I remember that I really wanted to have sex with somebody but I didn't want that it would be some s**t. Yes, 24 yo and I was still a virgin. Now that I think that I really started to dating her more frequent just because I wanted to have sex makes me SICK. What I was thinking!

 

BTW, I had a crush in a high school with some other girl. I thought that she is love of my life and I saw that she is also loving me strong. But we never dated really because I was afraid of relationship. I hated myself for being such a coward. I tried to fix things after the year of the graduation of school but it never worked. Maybe we were just too proud to get together. I still remember and sometimes remembered her during my previous relationship but I don't think it would work out even if we had became a couple. We were too different. And I don't want her now (to be clear). I just remember her sometimes. That's it. It was just teenage stupid love, nothing real.

 

Getting back to the main story. So I decided that she will be my girlfriend and we started dating. I knew that she is smart and we have much in common. After a few dates I almost said that it's not gonna work and we should remain only friends but something happened. I felt like I wanna see her more and more. After like 10+ dates SHE kissed me in a cheek as a good bye of a date. Then I felt like I love her. And I did love her. Every weekend I rushed to her apartment. Her parents always go to the village on weekends. So we were alone enjoying the time with each other. And that urge of having sex has faded which I thought is great and that's a real thing what's happening between us. We first had sex after ~2 months after relationship started. I was a virgin and she was a virgin. And it was a great feeling that we are both reasonable people who doesn't fu** with everybody. Though the sex was awful. And I'm not counting the first times. She was very VERY shy. But I think that's was because we both were to new to this. Eventually things become better in sex but I still thought that it could be better with other girls (that's a porn influence, back in the days I watched it everyday). Even when I started being in relationship sometimes I watched it but much much rarely and it doesn't even turned me on. It was like a habit maybe.

 

After about an 8 months in relationship I started to feel bored. I thought that she is too good for me (too good (or weak?) in a character way). We never fight, we never argue, like I wanted a more challenging relationship. But really I didn't. I always wanted calm and reasonable relationship. You get what you want and you don't appreciate it? It's like I made up things. One summer day I got really drunk and told her that I don't really know if I want to be with her. Next day I apologized her and thought why the hell did I say such a horrible words to her. This bad period coincide with me getting out of job which I didn't like. So maybe I just had nothing to do and it was too much thinking on my head.

 

From this point things became bumpy. I found a new job which I also didn't like. Maybe I am just too lazy for all jobs. I really started to look at other girls and I dreamed of having sex with them. I wanted more sex experience. Why? If I really love her I shouldn't watch to other girls and dream about them. Maybe porn influence again?

Sometimes I didn't even want to meet her anymore or to write her a message. I just wanted some space. But this was rare. Usually I meet her and talk as usual but I started having more and more doubts if I am happy with her.

One day we went to trip and I thought if this is really that girl that I want to. I started to thought about my "school love" and how would I feel with her if she was by my side.. Did I just not let go that stupid stupid imaginary school "love"? I think I did.

 

In 2015 December I moved in with her in her flat. Her parents bought a new one which was like 100 meters away from us which I didn't like. I didn't want to move in to live together. I was not ready. I even thought to tell her that it's over, that I am missing the feeling. But I felt like I had to move in to feel her safe and happy. And the time will show if I did the right decision. And the time showed... I was really depressed being alone in that small two room flat (moving in coincide with me getting out of job again). I was living in a big house out of a town and I always was a country boy who loves nature and SPACE. After only a month I said that I wanna go home like a stupid crying mother child. She teared up and asked if this is the only reason why I wanna go back home (space). She asked maybe something is wrong with our relationship. I started to cry and told her that I don't know if she is the right person for me, maybe I feel only friendly feelings and that's all. I stayed at her that night and we cried both like crazy. We agreed that I am coming home and she let me to think what my true feelings is. In the morning I came home and couldn't stand the feeling that I left her in uncertainty. After few hours I sent her a message that I will coming back home to my parents but we will remain in relationship because I love her. We met the same day and when I hugged her I felt that I am not sure if I done the right thing coming back to her. She asked again if I came back because she is hurting or I/myself want to be with her. I looked to her loving eyes and said that I really want to be with her because I was so scared of hurting her that moment again 'cause that would be just devastating.

 

Then I started to think if we are meant to be almost everyday, every minute. This drove me crazy. I couldn't tell her how I feel. Sometimes I didn't even want to get out of the bed and just be alone.

Sometimes when she kissed me in the morning when she was going to job I almost twitched/crippled. I didn't want her to kiss me because I didn't know how I feel about her. There were a few nights in a row when I couldn't sleep. That was exhausting. However there were good days when it seemed that everything will be fine and I just need to get a job and be a busy man. Also the times when I got a little bit drunk it seemed that I really love her. So I thought maybe the stress of finding myself is causing me those doubts and that I will never find myself being with her because we are both boring people. At some point I was even prepared to be with her no matter how I feel. You know like: "Love the woman you marry, not the woman you love".

 

So she saw again that I am feeling bad and depressed and she also became sad. Last Sunday she started conversation about our feelings again. This was very beautiful, sunny day. I wasn't ready to talk but I have to. At first when she asked what is wrong I couldn't say a word for like ten minutes and I started to shaking. Then we had this breaking up conversation for like 4 hours. We cried both, she more. I felt like I will have to tell her that we are breaking up this time for real. But I said bullsh** like this "I think I'm gonna regret this and I will try to come back someday: maybe a month, a year or five years but you shouldn't let me in", „I don't know if I want kids someday" and she really wants them. And some other things which I don't remember. I just wanted to give her some hope because somehow I thought that she will die of the pain without that. Then I said I was going. She said ok. I put on my jacket, shoes and she sat on the floor and started really crying, crying bad. This view was fuc**ng horrible, a knockdown for me. But she stood up, hugged me and said go on. I left. At first I felt a relief and guilty for like an hour. Then I started to cry and fu** knows what else. I wanted to come back really badly that moment, to comfort her. After about two hours she wrote me a message that she will go through this and I have not to worry about her. Such a beautiful soul: crushed and still thinks about the other.

 

We agreed to try to meet and be friends. Not now. After a month or so and try to get friendly conversation. I don't know what I will say to her.

 

Other thoughts: I did not like her family, how they communicate with each other, especially her brother and father. Brother was gambling addict (now he is doing good on this AFAIK) and father seems to be only the wage-earner in that family. Mother looks really unhappy with her life and tired. Maybe because she buried father and brother recently. Every time we go to her family it was very stressful for me. And I said that to her and she was okay with. She said you can visit my family very rare. But they live near her!

 

Sometimes I thought that our live together will be miserable (though I think it will definitely be miserable if I will live alone). It was miserable when I was without her. I just lived with my parents, sitting by PC, drinking with friends and that's it. No challenges, no aims in life. But somehow it felt good for me. No responsibilities, no stress, nothing. I don't want responsible job, duties, etc.

 

So I am really confused if it just was all the fears of responsibilities and commitment and I just ran away like chicken or do I really love her. I am so scared to hurt her again. I know this time I will wait and think but I am not sure if I won't come back to her even if I will be not 100 percent sure.

Somehow I am afraid that she will never fall in love with anybody again because she believed in monogamy, one and true love. And she will live her life so unhappy because she really wanted nice family and kids. BTW, about kids. There is possibility that I am unproductive. Maybe I can not have kids. And I told her in the beginning of relationship this and she said that it would be hard but we will get through it.

 

I did envision life with her and I was pretty sure that I will live the rest of my life with her at first. And I don't believe in that "the one" sh** that author of this topic believes. I am more on the side to work hard in relation if you want to be happy but why I didn't want to work and try to talk about fading feelings and instead I just broke up The main question for me is why I felt strained and confused so many times while being with her.

 

There are moments when I think I did the right decision that I broke up but this is more like she will be happier with out me because I am lazy bi**c. I don't see and never saw myself being with another women than her. I broke up because I thought that I will feel better alone. Like I missed loneliness times. I think I will need a lot more than one month to realize what I want. And it will be so damn hard.

 

Thanks for reading. If somebody read that Waiting for opinions

[Marty99]

P.S. Today I was at her flat to take my remaining stuff. She was at the job. I decided that this way would be better than meeting her now. Left her a note in which I wrote that I hope she will be strong and has the people to lean on.

When got come cried a lot because my clothes smell remind me her

[Anonymous82]

Thanks for sharing your story, and sorry to hear you're going through such a difficult time.

 

I think a lot of the feelings you're experiencing now are common when you end such a serious, meaningful relationship, particularly when it's your first one and you don't have prior dating or sexual experience on which to fall back.

 

I'm sure you miss her dearly and it hurts like hell, and you're feeling lonely and vulnerable right now. That's totally normal! It's great that you have the perspective to realize going back to her in this state would likely result in you eventually feeling the same way and hurting her -- and yourself -- even more.

 

My advice would be to allow yourself and your ex some time and distance to heal and to sort out how you truly feel.

 

Best wishes. Keep us posted.

[Marty99]

Anonymous82, thank you for your reply. This forum really helped me not to cry all the time.

 

I thought that I am feeling better today because I slept pretty well but when I got up from the bed I started to cry again. It is strange that at nights I am pretty calm even if I don't sleep. Maybe because I sleep in one room with my younger brother and I don't want him to hear me cry. But in the mornings when I'm home alone I call her name and cry like a little girl.

 

I imagine her looking at our pictures, asking herself why and what she did wrong, crying a lot... and this drives me crazy! She needs to go to work in which she must look happy because there are a lot of contact to customers. I'm afraid she will lose her job... She has no friends to lean on (me neither have real friends only few drinking buddies).. Though she has two really good friends who live abroad and the good thing is that they are now here for a week so maybe they help her to go through this.

 

I must say that probably I wasn't honest about all the things in the first post. I remember when I started dating her I tried to love her with my mind not with my heart because I thought we are a perfect match to each other. But I am sure there were times when I hugged her I felt that I'm in love. And when I did envision life with her it was more like I am being by her side and helping her to be happy. I just wanted to be her happy so badly..

 

What I afraid the most is the feeling that she will never be able to move on. You would understand what I'm talking about if you knew her. She was/is so untouched soul in this cruel world. She was full of love for everybody who she cares for. She said that she never ever loved anybody before me. She only had an admiration for one guy.

 

I hate myself that I left her maybe only because of a few stupid reasons: 1) I am afraid of responsible life; 2) I want to have more sex experience; 3) I want to feel that "head over heels" feeling which I felt with that school "love"; 4) Missing the loneliness times when I felt great in my life.

And if we had started relationship at different time everything would have been fine. Maybe I just needed to have some relationship experience before her...

 

I am feeling so guilty for breaking her heart and her bright soul. I think that I will be obsessed with the guilt all my life.

 

I wonder if we can reconcile after a long period of time... like 5 years.. or if I would tell her now in a brutal/honest way the reason why I started to date her, how sometimes I felt with her... maybe we can work through things...

 

I am feeling so lost and guilty... I want to smash my head on wall.

 

I know I have to wait and the time will heal.. but I don't believe it will heal.

 

Help, please. I am so lonely and messed up...

[Anonymous82]

Sometimes having to go to work when you're going through something difficult like a breakup can be a blessing in disguise. It forces you to take your mind off what you're going through, at least in fleeting moments.

 

I know it might seem impossible now, but if this is indeed the end for you two, she will eventually move on and you will too. You will not be obsessed with her, or the breakup, or your guilt surrounding it for the rest of your life -- it will get better with time.

 

Give yourself that time... Bury yourself in other things that used to make you happy, even if you can't find that happiness at the moment. It takes time and distance to move on from something in which you were so emotionally invested and to get back to enjoying life independent of a romantic partner. But it WILL happen!

 

Best wishes.

[confused182]

I guess I'll tell my tale.

 

Will say right now I'm a lot younger than everyone here. I'm talking early twenties. He was way older. Under ten years though.

 

My relationship stemmed from a lot of passion and high emotion. He helped me greatly through times of suffering with parental divorce, and a few mental illnesses that began when I was way too young. He was the absolute rock of everything and never gave up even though it was so far from anything he'd ever felt. I guess I can relate to not feeling like he was 'the one' but I resorted that to the fact I was very young, and that I was also suffering from a lot of mental issues. Through time we were partners in crime, we never got sick of each other and three and a half years later we have grown amazingly. I truly feel that this year has been the craziest in my life so far emotionally, and mentally I have grown very strong. I should note I've never had the desire to go crazy and be young and party my life away. I'm content. It's not appealing to me unless close friends and tequila are involved.

 

I began to feel I was falling out of love due to the fact I was being taken for granted. He was suffering from many many issues financially and other stuff (don't wanna make myself obvious with details), and he became depressed. The past year, I told him a few times I was needing to feel more loved - through effort and time and thought and even romance; something I value as important. He found romance unnecessary. He said he would try, but I didn't see much difference. I had had crushes on others while being with him and I think that's natural due to our age gap and my age. But this time I grew lonely. Why wasn't he 'changing', something I didn't understand could not be done nor should be expected of a person whose fundamentals were pretty solid. Was he not valuing this relationship? I grew resentful, annoyed and a little bitter, clinging on to two or three things that had hurt me in the past. Then I grew a deep connection with another, who was also sad in their own commitment, and it was a little bit 'dangerous' and it did give me the 'holy **** ' feeling. I see now, well, what good could come out of such a thing? But anyway I continued to bond with this person (nothing happened between us really) and my partner knew and was a little worried about it but he did not know my feelings for this person. Although I create fairytales in my mind, I knew the feelings for this other stemmed from loneliness of my own relationship.

 

I ended it when I realised perhaps he would never change. I was unhappy. But I had, and still have, very much faith.

Friends have told me the fact that he didn't 'fight' for me is a sign he didn't truly love me, but I'm aware such a view is a young one and perhaps there are deeper reasons or that it's simply because that is the way he is.

 

It's been four days. Day 4, I have been angry, but not as sad, contemplative, very thoughtful and I think it's because I am hopeful. Before I realised I was clinging on and lost. Now I am realising, this is the right decision - but I believe it to be that only for the time being. I don't believe he can 'change' and swoop my heart away and make my life pink. But I believe time will help us grow, and somehow I believe we will find our way toward each other. I have many doubts because of the 'missing' feeling, and the fact someone else was on my mind and I felt I was 'falling out of love'. In the end, because I was so tired, I did give up, but I think I was just beginning to see him surface. The guy I fell really hard for. He was coming back again. Very slowly. He had his own ideas of showing effort (although I made all the effort to see him in my spare time). But I think he was beginning to really try.

 

This thread has helped me greatly. I am afraid I will come to the decision this is the right decision, but I also believe we will never disappear from each other's lives. I am remembering now the feelings and intensity of deep emotional love and absolute gratefulness that emerged after stopping antidepressants - which had come to numb me. He was so beautiful to me then.

 

I have hope for us. But I am still terrified it isn't meant to be. I have concluded that time will help me. And maybe it will have really been the right decision and I'm not ready to admit that. I am sad and lost, and a little lonely. It's 2 am. But I do believe that it could perhaps be something worth fighting for. I am not sure the details of the other person are something I need to tell him. I have almost lost those feelings for them now that I am not with my ex. But I have written him a beautiful little essay explaining these thoughts, my hope, and pretty much my forgiveness and understanding as to what happened in our relationship. I believe in him, and I know he doesn't believe in himself.

 

I want to share it with him as soon as possible.

 

What do you all think of this story?

 

EDIT: I keep editing this post. I should add he's also pretty bad with emotions and highly logical, probably also because if he let himself feel he'd breakdown from the things he's dealt with.

Even though towards the end things got pretty bad in terms of my emotions, and that it's probably because we've split up, I was absolutely truly able to see myself with him. (I'm not particularly into the idea of kids but I am pretty young.) But I could imagine planning the wedding together and making such a stressful thing fun. I could imagine growing old. I imagined so much. I never lived with him in those 3 + years, but I saw him all the time and loved every minute. (Well, until I got bitter.)

 

Also, I should note, probably because of family reasons and my personality and age, the concept of 'the one' to me seems a little bizarre as I believe humans are broad and complicated. But I do believe a life partner is possible. And he was possibly that.

[Anonymous82]

I think you expressed yourself very eloquently and rationally! It's totally normal after four days to be hoping you find your way back together and scared of the possibility you won't. As time goes by, you'll find more answers and the distance from your ex will allow you to seek clarity and reflect. Just be patient, and remember: nothing will change overnight, and whether you end up back with him or not, you'll be OK!

 

I think it's OK to share your written thoughts with him if you feel you want to express them now, but at a certain point, I always find it helpful to cut off contact as much as possible for a period of time in order to truly clear my head and figure out what I really want. Even after you think you've said all you wanted to say, something else will pop into your mind that you want to express, but you just have to let it be (at least temporarily) to allow yourself that space.

 

And I agree with you on the concept of "the one."

 

Thanks for sharing your thoughts here!

[confused182]

I think you expressed yourself very eloquently and rationally! It's totally normal after four days to be hoping you find your way back together and scared of the possibility you won't. As time goes by, you'll find more answers and the distance from your ex will allow you to seek clarity and reflect. Just be patient, and remember: nothing will change overnight, and whether you end up back with him or not, you'll be OK!

 

I think it's OK to share your written thoughts with him if you feel you want to express them now, but at a certain point, I always find it helpful to cut off contact as much as possible for a period of time in order to truly clear my head and figure out what I really want. Even after you think you've said all you wanted to say, something else will pop into your mind that you want to express, but you just have to let it be (at least temporarily) to allow yourself that space.

 

And I agree with you on the concept of "the one."

 

Thanks for sharing your thoughts here!

 

Thanks for the reply I was really hoping this thread would be alive!

 

I don't feel too sad today. I feel very positive and hopeful of the outcome, and will continue to reflect. Will update on how it goes. And I will tell him my thoughts. I believe it will help him.

[sherrelle]

I saw this thread and read the story and realized it was 8 years ago!! Are you married to either of the girls? The story was just really interesting and I wanted to see how it unfolded.

[WestIndianGirl]

Bringing this back from the dead to say that, as someone on the receiving end of a breakup similar to this, I found this somewhat helpful today...

 

Together with my ex bf for 1.5 years, I'm 25 and he's 26. He was my 2nd LTR, but I was his first.

 

One key difference in my situation is, I don't think he was ever on the fence about me for most of the relationship...talked openly about the future, constantly expressed that he felt like "the luckiest man alive" to have found me...it was an extremely harmonious and loving relationship between two very independent individuals with time-consuming careers and full lives outside of the relationship.

 

Unfortunately, he was gone for much of the summer and came back in the fall to start a very demanding graduate program and two weeks in decided we needed a break. Said he was "confused, felt distant and wishy-washy, but loves me and hates feeling this way." He cried, said that maybe he had commitment problems, and that he felt like the spark was gone. I, of course, didn't see this coming at all and was devastated. But I counseled him to take the space to see if the problem was stress and his schedule, or if it was a bigger issue, like he didn't see me in his life in 20 years. I was very clear that I saw him in my life in 20 years. I even said "what does your gut say?" and he said "I don't know."

 

I gave him 3 weeks of radio silence (minus one email the following day simply stating my feelings after I'd had 24 hours to get some thoughts together).

 

After 3 weeks of nothing, I felt like the writing was on the wall (he wanted out but didn't have the guts to end it...or, he truly didn't know, and me hanging around as an option wasn't going to give him any clarity IMO). So I reached out and said that if he was still unsure, we should end it. I think at this point I was hoping he would come around, but I was also preparing to walk away (with my soul in pieces / dignity intact). He continued to waffle and tried to buy more time. I called him out on stringing me along and using me as a security blanket for grad school, which prompted him to end it. When he did end it, he said that I was perfect, that he might be making a mistake, but that his feelings had changed, I was more infatuated than he was, that he might have some personal demons to work through (child of divorce).

 

NO REASON GIVEN BEYOND "my feelings changed." (I mean, I know you have to take breakup speeches with a grain of salt...perhaps he just couldn't pinpoint the reasons. I'm sure he was just trying to soften the blow for me. But, after looking very carefully at my actions throughout the relationship, and running most of it by my therapist, I do believe him that it had nothing to do with me. Therapist agrees.)

 

I guess a part of me wonders if I had continued to give him more space to think, if he would have come back...but I felt like my self-respect was starting to be compromised, and the not knowing was hurting me, and the damage was already done at that point. Enough that if he had sorted it out, there would have been a lot of insecurity to work through.

 

The sad part is, I do think we are right for each other on a lot of basic levels (compatibility, values, fun, just clicking and being totally comfortable together), but he's too immature and doesn't have enough relationship experience to realize it. If and when he does, I will likely have moved on as I am a desirable partner with many options (probably why he said "I might be making a mistake"). He either never made it past the infatuation stage and/or did not recognize the honeymoon stage ending...or gave into the pressures of a new social setting (grad school), panicked, and has awful communication skills.

 

It's been 2 months and we've had zero communication. When he finally broke it off, I said a few choice things (didn't think much of his choice or his actions), said that I deserved someone who was 100% committed to me, and told him not to contact me.

 

I keep hoping he will have some kind of epiphany, but I understand that if he does it will likely take a long time. Perhaps he even needs to go through other relationships to have a point of reference.

 

As for me? I think I am done with guys in their mid-20's or younger. No matter how much they love you at first, or how well they treat you, none of them seem to really know what they want and us ladies end up as collateral damage.

 

I try very hard to learn from each relationship I am in, but my only take away here is to date older guys. After being the best girlfriend ever, I feel completely screwed over. I don't really understand "falling out of love." That seems fickle and dumb to me, but maybe it'll happen to me one day and I'll understand.

[Anonymous82]

I saw this thread and read the story and realized it was 8 years ago!! Are you married to either of the girls? The story was just really interesting and I wanted to see how it unfolded.

 

Just stumbled upon this thread today and discovered a couple replies I hadn't seen yet. Incredible to think I wrote that initial post more than a decade ago!

 

I did not marry any of the women referenced in this thread. I've been happily single for almost four years. Plenty of first dates, a handful of second dates, some fun random hookups, but nothing serious for a while, and I'm very OK with that. :) I think as I've gotten older, I've become so much more comfortable with myself, embraced my independence, and realized it's OK not to settle or force a connection that's not really there. I'm fortunate to have a bunch of amazing, supportive friends and a very active social life, so that's certainly a big contributor to my happiness.

 

Maybe I'll fall in love tomorrow, or maybe I'll enjoy the single life for another decade; I'm good either way.

[Anonymous82]

I guess a part of me wonders if I had continued to give him more space to think, if he would have come back...but I felt like my self-respect was starting to be compromised, and the not knowing was hurting me, and the damage was already done at that point. Enough that if he had sorted it out, there would have been a lot of insecurity to work through.

 

I think you handled it beautifully and with great dignity and respect for yourself and for him.

 

I'm reading this almost two years later haha... I'm going to assume/hope you've long since moved on from him by now! :)

[sunshineray]

I think you handled it beautifully and with great dignity and respect for yourself and for him.

 

I'm reading this almost two years later haha... I'm going to assume/hope you've long since moved on from him by now! :)

 

 

 

How are you doing now?life update?

[Anonymous82]

How are you doing now?life update?

 

I'm doing great, thank you! :) I actually entered a new relationship about five months ago after close to four years of being happily single. Toward the end of my single phase, I'd started to wonder whether I was still even capable of having strong feelings for someone... so it's nice to know I most certainly am. It's early, and it's not always perfect (no relationship is), but we both truly CHOSE each other and can see a potential future together.

 

Hard to believe this thread is approaching its 11-year anniversary!

[Thebighere]

I'm doing great, thank you! :) I actually entered a new relationship about five months ago after close to four years of being happily single. Toward the end of my single phase, I'd started to wonder whether I was still even capable of having strong feelings for someone... so it's nice to know I most certainly am. It's early, and it's not always perfect (no relationship is), but we both truly CHOSE each other and can see a potential future together.

 

Hard to believe this thread is approaching its 11-year anniversary!

 

Oh my gosh!!! thank you for providing a life update. I remember this thread from years back, and i found it so insightful.

 

Congrats on your new budding relationship. You helped me, and i am clearly many others with this thread.

[Anonymous82]

Oh my gosh!!! thank you for providing a life update. I remember this thread from years back, and i found it so insightful.

 

Congrats on your new budding relationship. You helped me, and i am clearly many others with this thread.

 

Aw, thanks. :) So many others helped me during that tough time so long ago... I feel like the least I could do was try to return the favor! This community is so awesome.