Was breaking up with her a huge mistake?

[jellysandwich]

You should've have been honest from the beginning. It would have hurt her more at the time, but it would have hurt her less overall.

[Anonymous82]

You should've have been honest from the beginning. It would have hurt her more at the time, but it would have hurt her less overall.

 

I was honest from the beginning. When I broke up with her, I told her everything I was consciously feeling at the time. I explained to her that I didn't see a future with her anymore and I knew deep down I was not going to marry her. She asked for specifics at the time of the break-up, but unfortunately, I didn't have many. We had been very codependent, and I couldn't understand all the reasons why I felt this way at the time; it was more a "gut" feeling (as you can see in my first few posts in this thread).

 

But as time went on and I gained distance from the relationship, I began to perceive more and more about the relationship and why I wasn't content with it (you can see this in my subsequent posts in this thread). When she asked for specifics again a month or two later, I did have them and, after some initial reluctance, I explained them to her. However, as nice as I tried to be about it, I know this hurt her a lot and I'm not sure it served any purpose at that point.

[britomart]

I'm one of those who wants the truth even when it hurts. I don't want to harbor false fuzzy feelings. Others may think differently.

 

My ex-ex ran away from everything. Dodged every question - hid the fact that he left me for someone else from me and mutual friends until one night when he msged me while drunk.

My ex was brutally honest in the beginning. He then proceeded to contradict himself and subsequently shut down and gave no reasons for his contrary behavior, besides saying that I annoyed him. I went NIC, didn't go online. He cut off contact.

 

Sorry to digress, but given my personal experience, some guys just want to hide the truth (and/or their feelings) either by avoidance or being rude.

 

Imho your ex was contacting you perhaps she still had these "fuzzy assumptions" and the lack of details gave her hope. By telling her the truth you were allowing her to let you go.

[Anonymous82]

I'm one of those who wants the truth even when it hurts. I don't want to harbor false fuzzy feelings. Others may think differently.

 

When it comes to myself, I actually completely agree with you. I'd always rather have the complete, brutal, stone-cold truth. In the case of my ex, on the other hand, I think she may have been better off without the additional details of why I couldn't see a future with her. I also think there are probably more people in the world like her than like you and me. But you may be right (for her sake, I'd like to believe you are) that hearing it, as difficult as it may have been, helped her move on.

[smurfy1988]

i book marked this.. reading all situation and all of the responses gives me comfort and eases my heart. its been over three months since i broke up with my ex and i miss her like crazy. when i was with her i couldnt see her in my future and i often thought about other girls during intercourse, but never ever cheated on her or did anything wrong at all...it feels somewhat like i have made a mistake breaking up with her maybe its because i miss her soo much.. i love her but i am not IN love with her. i know that if i get back with her i will just start getting annoyed of her again like before we broke up. my situation is alot like this and i still think her of her everyday since we broke up

[Ms Darcy]

i book marked this.. reading all situation and all of the responses gives me comfort and eases my heart. its been over three months since i broke up with my ex and i miss her like crazy. when i was with her i couldnt see her in my future and i often thought about other girls during intercourse, but never ever cheated on her or did anything wrong at all...it feels somewhat like i have made a mistake breaking up with her maybe its because i miss her soo much.. i love her but i am not IN love with her. i know that if i get back with her i will just start getting annoyed of her again like before we broke up. my situation is alot like this and i still think her of her everyday since we broke up

 

Your response screams that you should not get back with her. I'm sorry for your pain.

[Bheart]

It's been 2 months since my ex boyfriend broke up with me after 5 years. He did say he sees me as his "future wife" but I second guess if he really meant that, otherwise, its like.. why would he had ended things with me?

 

So, it is just nice to get a male point of view during a breakup. Still sucks to read all this. Funny how its all the men who want out of the relationship in this thread.

[smurfy1988]

Your response screams that you should not get back with her. I'm sorry for your pain.

 

i remind myself that everytime, i know i should not get back to her. i do not contact her because i do not want to set her back, I do not want to mislead her and hurt her all over again. seeing her hurt makes me want to cry.. Typing and expressing my feeling in this thread makes me feel better since i really do not have anyone to talk to in RL

[anonymous67]

Hi Anonymous82,

 

I've been given a lot of comfort from this thread.

 

Your initial story is similar to mine - I was with a girl that I thought was terrific for 2 years. I had a lot of great times with her, but for some reason, I always felt there was something not quite right. I couldn't put my finger on it, but often found that when I was with her - all my doubts disappeared, only to come back again when I was on my own.

 

She wanted to talk about the future, roughly a year or so into us seeing each other and I immediately felt very uncomfortable. I was unable to speak about what we might do. She lives 60 miles away from me, so it meant that one of us would have to move.

 

At the time, I was very settled in my job - I'm not very confident at moving jobs and have had some real nightmare bad jobs in the past, so I was worried I would be taken out of my comfort zone. She was manager at her job and a very core member of the company plus she loves her job.

 

Anyway, as time went on, we both got unsettled. She was very unsettled with me because I was too frightened to move forward (I was happy with the status quo and just hoped that I would find an answer later on). Unlike you, It wasn't like I couldn't see a future with her, I just felt I was on a path with someone I loved being with and just hoped that things would become clearer to me as we went further along.

 

The relationship took a turn when she got very upset with me and I felt so bad that I couldn't give her an answer. This went on for a while until I decided it was upsetting me so much too, that I had to end it. I'm not one for making someone else feel bad.

 

So it happened very suddenly and I came home feeling stupid. She got back in touch and we decided to have a think on it (I was away on holiday) and come back to see. Anyway, we got back together for a few months but I started to feel more and more unsure now if I was in the right relationship. One morning I simply woke up and felt I couldn't go on any more.

 

The point of my posting is that it's been 3 years since we split and I still think about her all the time. I've been wanting to get in touch with her and I really didn't know how to do it. Then about a month ago I heard she'd met someone else and he'd been killed in an accident. I've been feeling very upset - I know she'll be going through a tough time dealing with what's just happened to her, but I feel I've had a bit of a shock too. I always felt there was something left between us and I was hoping for reconciliation. I just felt I'd know when the time was right.

 

You said that time is the best healer and that with some distance, you can get a better perspective on the relationship. I've never really gotten to the point of knowing I made the right decision or not.

 

She was a lovely gal, I felt at the time I was with someone I did want to be with, but due to lack of confidence (I've not had good success until I met her), I needed to take my time. But I feel she crowded me a year in, was getting upset too much and it just pushed me away. Well, that's one point of view, but I always hoped that I would look back and realise it wasn't the right relationship for me, but I really can't say that at the moment. I feel pretty crap and regret the break up at the moment. I think hearing the news has made everything feel very recent to me.

 

Anyway, I was hoping I could contact you directly, but I don't see a possible way to do this.

[Anonymous82]

Hi anonymous67,

 

I'm glad you've found comfort in this thread. I can't believe it's still going more than two-and-a-half years later! FWIW, you can contact me directly by sending me a private message on this board, but I do have email notifications set up for this thread and check back when I can. By posting here, you allow others to relate to, provide insight on, and grow from your situation and emotions.

 

I think the biggest difference between your situation and mine is that while you were potentially able to see a future with your ex, or at least thought you might be able to down the road, I had grown to realize I definitely could not see a future with my ex and likely never would.

 

Only you can decide or know what's right for you. Considering you're still thinking about her all the time and questioning your decision three years later, I don't think it's unreasonable to get in touch with her.

 

I'm sorry to hear about what she's going through with her boyfriend dying in an accident. That's very tragic. If you decide to contact her, I do think it's very important to keep in mind that she's probably struggling with that right now. She's likely experiencing a variety of very difficult emotions, and it would be easy for her to seek comfort in you or someone else and confuse that comfort with romantic love. So I would warn you to be very cautious.

 

Good luck and best wishes.

[faith_8]

sounds all too familiar

[carma]

Anonymous,

 

I wish my ex is thinking about the same thing.

 

Have you actually learned your lesson from the breakup? You can only approach your ex only when you are sure and when you learned from your mistakes and vow that you won't leave her no matter what. You cannot hurt this person again so you have to be sure that this is what you wanted. I'm not trying to put pressure on you, but please, think about it.

 

It's been three years. When was the last time you spoke to her?

[carma]

BTW, that was for Anonymous 67. The one who broke up with the ex 3 years ago and wanted to talk to the ex.

[Chicago708]

I have pretty much exactly the same story/feelings as Anon82 did at the beginning of this thread (as many have said before me). Just over a week ago I broke up with my girlfriend of over 4 years (we started dating when we were 20). I had recurring "gut feelings" throughout the relationship that I didn't "truly" love her, or wasn't "in love" with her, or whatever intangible you want to call it. I care immensely about her and love her in that way, but there was a connection I had with my first girlfriend in high school that my gut told me wasn't there with this college girlfriend. Every now and then (usually when our future together came up) I'd get an uncomfortable feeling like I should break up with her, but I ignored it. When the feeling went away, everything was great again. But it kept coming back around at some point or another, and a couple weeks ago I got it very bad, so much so I felt sick for a couple days before ultimately deciding that I shouldn't go against my instincts. And like everybody said here, it was the hardest thing I've had to do, and the most I've cried about something.

 

After 2 days I was still a wreck, but I had my first day of class this semester the 3rd day, and was OK enough by then to act pretty normal at school; it actually made things go easier, seeing friends after winter break. Now, after 8 days, I feel pretty good, but I'm not convinced it was the right thing to do. The gut feeling that was consuming my life and mind right before the breakup is completely gone, and now I'm wondering why my subconscious would want to sabotage a healthy relationship which could've gone onto marriage and kids a few years down the road. Our families like each other as well, and we will be living in the same city starting this summer, so it would be ideal.

 

I've been thinking about both ends of the spectrum, Anon82's viewpoint and MarshmallowFluff's viewpoint. Anon82, you were glad you trusted your gut, found what you were looking for briefly, and are now (still?) single and enjoying the adventure of finding love again. Mfluff (did I remember correctly, there are so many posts?) found somebody who is very committed to her even though there wasn't much passion at first, and is very content with building a relationship "from the ground up." The frustrating part is that for me, I could see myself doing either. Yes, my gut wants me to play the field, not to hook up, but to see if I can find that same passion again that I had about my first girlfriend in highschool. But another part of me (brain/mind?) realizes that some people aren't so lucky to EVER find that head-over-heels feeling I had with my first girlfriend from high school, and some people aren't lucky enough to EVER find a sweet, cute, caring, smart girl who loves me and would marry me and who I'm very compatible in many ways with, like my current ex. I had BOTH of those amazing things that some people never find, and deep down I decided to throw away my relationship because they weren't with the same girl? How greedy am I? I come from a family that doesn't have money problems, I was born good at many things, I've never had anything traumatic happen to me, so I'm basically pretty sheltered and have no perspective on how crappy life can be for some people. I know I've had more than I could ask for, and yet I'm asking for more.

 

Anyway, I realized that looking for answers from other people (even though reading about all your stories is therapeutic) isn't going to solve my dilemma. Everybody has different stories: we broke up and it was for the best, we broke up and it was a mistake, we got back together and it was for the best, we got back together and it was a mistake. I realized that I can (and many people probably can) make being single work, or make getting back together work; there's no right or wrong, no "destiny" I have to follow or fulfill. The problem is feeling like a slave to your feelings; when they conflict you are powerless (I felt like I had to break up with her, but at the same time I couldn't deal with causing her that much pain and can't stop questioning whether I dumped my future wife).

 

What I'm learning from all this, regardless of the outcome, is:

- Don't shy away from tough decisions.

- Your mindset before getting into a relationship CAN affect it's outcome, though not necessarily (with my first girlfriend, my mindset was "I hope I have a girlfriend someday," so when it happened it was awesome. with my current ex, my mindset was "I want to date many girls over the next several years and find the right one for me.") I was deliberately looking for passion and excitement, not intimacy and a long-term commitment.

- Even though I'm not spoiled, I'm sheltered and don't have the best perspective on life in general (although I realize this consciously, I don't feel that perspective subconsciously, so it doesn't affect my gut decisions or instincts. Basically, no epiphany yet.)

- You have to decide things for yourself. If you don't know what you want, figure out what you want. I still don't know what I want, but this experience has opened my eyes by telling me that it's time I think about this kind of stuff and decide what I want out of life in general, not just with relationships.

 

I'm not in emotional turmoil right now and think I bounced back rather nicely. But I don't want to move on before I decide/realize it was the right or wrong decision. Ok, done. Any thoughts?

 

Chicago708

[twispandcatsby]

Chicago708, thanks for your well-written and thoughtful contribution to the thread. I have found this thread super-interesting, and I read it the whole way through.

 

I also don't know which philosophy (to love the one you're with, or keep searching for someone you're "sure" about) is best, because really, I agree that either way could work, depending on the person, and if you decided that was what you believed.

 

Like some of the women who have replied before, I was the dumpee in a recent breakup, and your mindset sounds pretty much like my ex-boyfriend's, though the ages are different, and we were only together for one and a half years.

 

My ex-boyfriend blindsided me with a breakup a couple weeks ago. There were no fights, no lessening of contact, nothing to indicate to me that this was coming. We were apart for a week or two during the holidays at our respective families' places. I am guessing that during that time his "gut feelings" reached a crisis point, like yours, and he decided that he couldn't bear those feelings anymore and that the fair thing to do (for his instincts and for not stringing me along) would be to break it off.

 

We were happy together and good for each other; he even said he'd been so happy while we were together, but he wasn't sure he could see a future with me, after a year and a half together, he wasn't sure he was in love or loved me (although he cared deeply etc.). While he had said "I love you" to me many times, he had never felt 100% sure about it.

 

I was surprised and shattered; he broke my heart. I cried so much the first week. I still miss him terribly. He wasn't my first love, but the second. Instead of a sudden strong passion, like I had for my first love, it was a love I grew into. In the end, the relationship seemed even more important because it was more stable, more mature. I fell for him by degrees and I was able to trust my feelings more.

 

I didn't want to stay with him if he didn't love me, but I loved him and we were good for each other. It was a sweet and stable relationship. I was happy just dating (neither of us was ready to move in and I in no way pressured him because I was enjoying the dating phase), but I definitely saw him as someone I loved and could grow old with, and had no clue he was struggling with the conflict betweeginedman his uncertainty about whether could see a future with me vs. how compatible and happy we were in other ways.

 

I thought he felt the same way I did. I was not ready for moving in or engagement now, but I had imagined, vaguely, more serious commitment to him in the future.

 

I have not spoken to him since the breakup (yay?), but it's so painful and sometimes I want to, even though I know it probably wouldn't change anything if I broke NC and I'd feel humiliated.

 

He, like you, wasn't looking for anything serious when we began dating, and he also has been kind of sheltered. Like you, he felt more for his first, high school girlfriend, even though that relationship ended badly.

 

I don't know what advice I have for you, except this -- definitely don't reel your ex-girlfriend back if you aren't sure in your mind if you want her back, return her love, and could be in for the long haul.

 

I have never been in a commited relationship with someone I was "unsure" about, so in a way I don't understand what it's like to be in your shoes. So far in my dating experiences, I have figured out whether I can see a long-term future with someone within a few months at most.

[Chicago708]

Thanks for your advice. Part of me wishes that I'll realize I want to be with her and eventually have a family with her. But I know that I can't go crawling back just to "see how things feel." I need to know for sure that there's a possibility of a committed future, or at least know that my questioning gut feeling has been taken care of.

 

I'm struggling right now with figuring out this gut feeling issue. I think we are environmentally conditioned in some way or another, as far as whether we want a stable healthy relationship forever, or to search for some ultimate perfect ideal passionate relationship (having many temporary partners on the way), or maybe to have no expectations or plan at all. I think that Marshmallow was obviously brought up with arranged marriages in mind, and has no subconscious questioning of whether or not she can build a relationship with her partner that will last forever. In my case, I think my experience in my late teens (after my first high school gf broke up with me and being at college/being independent for a couple years) changed my life view. Before my first girlfriend (and during), I thought the idea of marrying your high school sweetheart was kind of romantic and beautiful. Being at college for a few years opened me up to the idea of dating around, meeting many different girls to see what really fit best for me. I guess even while going out with my current ex for several years, I never got over the fact that if I stayed with her forever, I'd never experience this exploration phase, and would regret it.

 

The point is that my mindset changed, so maybe it can change again. I don't know what can change it, and I don't know if I can or should TRY to change it on purpose. But I'd like to know more, because if I can never let go of this dating around idea, even after dating several girls down the road, then I'm in for some trouble, because I have to be able to commit at some point.

 

-----------

 

Anyway, I guess I can't fully appreciate your side of the story either. I was broken up with once (by my high school gf) but it was more of a drawn out process, and I ended up agreeing eventually that it would be better to start fresh once we went off to our separate colleges. I've never been broken up with all of a sudden, and not as an adult who has more of a life plan than a high schooler. But I know it's extremely hard to break up with somebody when they did nothing wrong. Every guy who's replied in this thread that broke up with their girlfriend I'm sure felt/feels really bad about it, even if it turned out to be for the best. And I know it didn't seem "all of a sudden" to them, even if it did to the girls. You go through all the uncomfortable doubt and uncertainty, then the sickening (literally, I barely ate for a couple days) realization that you're going to do it. And afterwards, at least for me, it didn't really feel better, you feel so much sympathy for your now-ex that you can't move on right away (I obviously still haven't ). So basically, it sucks on both ends.

 

--------------

 

One more thought: I also said "I love you" with my girlfriend. But I always felt a little weird about it, because when I said it to my high school girlfriend it felt like it meant more. But it was the first time I'd felt that way about anybody and had a gf at all, so maybe that had something to do with it. Plus, I was still in the sort of infatuation phase (hadn't yet had a crush on another girl since we'd started dating). Anyway, I got along with my current ex very well and cared about her immensely. So, I just wanted to point out the confusion with terminology involving the word/feeling of "love"

 

love

in love

true love

puppy love

infatuation

lust

love you like a friend

love between family members

care/sympathy

devotion/commitment/trust

soulmates

the one

 

* * * ?! What actually lasts forever? Because that's what I feel like I'm looking for, and I don't know if it exists.

[Anonymous82]

Amazing... This thread is on the verge of celebrating its three-year anniversary and it's still going!

 

Great insights, Chicago708. A few unconnected thoughts I had while reading your post...

 

-----

 

I think it's important for people who give it a lot of thought and ultimately make the decision to break up like you and I did to remember that, regardless of what happens after doing it, it was something that needed to happen. The "gut" feelings you were having that you weren't in love with her or couldn't see a future with her had been around for a long time and had continued to grow. You'd tried to work past them and failed. It's pretty clear they weren't going to go away on their own. So whatever you ultimately conclude, you should not regret the initial break-up decision because it was absolutely necessary.

 

You should also feel proud that you were strong and caring enough to do it when you did rather than stick with her until something better came along, as some people will do.

 

-----

 

While you can have varying degrees of confidence about your decision, I don't think you can expect to reach some distinct point where you know for sure that it was right or wrong. A lot of people have said it, but it bears repeating... The only way to get perspective is to gain distance from the codependency of the relationship, and the only way to do that is to spend time apart.

 

I was so impacted with sadness from missing my ex when I started this thread that I was unable to assess my true feelings. As time went by, I became more and more convinced that I'd done the right thing by ending my relationship... but it's not as if there was this magical moment when I went from questioning it to knowing for sure. It sounds like the distance has served you well and you are gaining a lot of perspective on your past relationship; that could not have happened without the break-up, nor without the time you've had to reflect on it since.

 

-----

 

There seems to be a bit of taboo or negativity on this board about the notion of people (particularly guys) wanting to "play the field" or gain more experience before settling down. I feel strongly that this should not be viewed negatively, but rather as a natural part of life for some people! I have friends who have fallen for their first love, gotten married, and gone on to live happily ever after, but not everyone is comfortable with that.

 

When I ended the relationship that caused me to create this thread, I didn't have a lot of experience. I'd been in one "official" serious relationship and had two sexual partners in my life (I was 25 at the time). There was a part of me that felt a strong desire to both be in more relationships and "hook up" with more girls before getting married.

 

Personally speaking, I didn't become confident and really comfortable around women until my mid- to late-20s, so I didn't have a lot of experience in high school or college and felt deep down that I'd be missing out if I didn't gain that experience later on before getting married. Now, having dated and hooked up with a good amount of women, and having truly enjoyed being single and independent, I feel I've fulfilled the experiences I feared I'd miss out on if I'd continued with my past relationships. I will never, ever cheat on my girlfriend/fiance/wife, so I look at it as wanting to make sure I experience all that single life has to offer before I put it behind me forever. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that, and it's wrong to criticize it as a reason to end a relationship, as I've seen some people here do in other threads on this board.

 

There's no disputing that timing plays a role in the success of a relationship. Perhaps, had I met one of my exes at a different time in my life, with the knowledge and experience I have now, it could've worked out (my gut tells me no, but you never know)... but the bottom line is you meet people when you meet them, and if you're not on the same path, it's very difficult or perhaps impossible to get past.

 

-----

 

Just some random thoughts I had while reading your post. Thanks for sharing! BTW, judging by your screen name, we live in the same city... and are about to get hit with a massive blizzard. Be safe!

 

Thanks to twispandcatsby as well... Very thought-provoking stuff.

[Chicago708]

What is bothering me now is that I don't think I'll know if this is the right decision for a while, and the longer I wait, the less chance I have of getting back together with her if I decide that's really what I want. But I'm still feeling very guilty about the whole thing and sad for her, and I don't know how much of a role that's playing. It's hard having no contact with her, because I still want to stay in touch and make sure she's OK, but I know that's just for my own well-being. She "doesn't have anything else to say to me" and defriended me on facebook a couple days ago. She also told me she's "losing her best friend," which hurts, and it's also makes me feel bad because while I thought of her as my closest friend, I wouldn't call her my "best friend," since there were some qualities in many of my other friends which she didn't have. I want to say that shouldn't be a problem, but looking back on it, maybe it was an issue; I think my gut is telling me I want my girlfriend to be my "best friend," not just a very close one that I care about a lot. Either way, the fact that she DID feel that way about me makes me feel doubly guilty; that I didn't feel that for her, and that I destroyed that for her by breaking up with her.

 

Once I got over the initial breakup after a few days, I was back to a pretty normal place. I was functioning fine out in public and with friends, but was still a bit down at home and around my parents. After a week of that, I just started to feel this guilt and sadness about her. I think it's because we never went more than 2 days without talking, and as the time went on and I had no contact with her, I began to wonder and worry more about her. It's been getting a little worse, and distracting me more recently. I guess I'm not really asking any questions here, I just want to hear how other people dealt with this, it's good to hear from somebody who went through/is going through the same thing.

[Chicago708]

I forgot to add (this is what I meant to say)...

 

I feel like the longer you deal with anything, the easier it becomes. So, maybe breaking up with her WAS the wrong decision, but if I don't realize that for several months, then the opportunity has passed because we've both gotten over each other and moved on. Maybe years down the road I'll realize I should've stayed with her and married her, but after getting over the break-up our feelings for each other naturally died away just from the passage of time. I did make the decision to break up with her, but it wasn't an epiphany, I just slowly came to accept my gut feeling. I which I could have some great realization ASAP about whether it was the right decision or not. The longer I wait, the more "right" it becomes, just because the longer you deal with something, the less it hurts. Maybe I need to be hypnotized!

[Anonymous82]

She also told me she's "losing her best friend," which hurts, and it's also makes me feel bad because while I thought of her as my closest friend, I wouldn't call her my "best friend," since there were some qualities in many of my other friends which she didn't have. I want to say that shouldn't be a problem, but looking back on it, maybe it was an issue; I think my gut is telling me I want my girlfriend to be my "best friend," not just a very close one that I care about a lot. Either way, the fact that she DID feel that way about me makes me feel doubly guilty; that I didn't feel that for her, and that I destroyed that for her by breaking up with her.

 

I can definitely relate... With my first ex, I felt the same way you do and she felt the same way your ex does. She felt like she was losing her best friend, while I felt like I had closer friends (platonic, of course) with whom I connected better than I did with her in many ways.

 

Everybody's different, but for me, I've learned since that break-up that not having that "closest friend" feel in my relationship was indeed a problem.

 

So, maybe breaking up with her WAS the wrong decision, but if I don't realize that for several months, then the opportunity has passed because we've both gotten over each other and moved on. Maybe years down the road I'll realize I should've stayed with her and married her, but after getting over the break-up our feelings for each other naturally died away just from the passage of time.

 

You may never know anyway because there isn't always a "right" or "wrong" answer. Could you have spent the rest of your life with her and been happy? Maybe, maybe not. As time goes by, you may conclude it would've been unlikely, but you can never really know for sure.

 

Even if the answer were yes, does that mean you won't meet someone else down the road with whom you'd feel an even stronger connection and be even happier spending the rest of your life? Not unless you believe there's precisely one person out there in the whole universe for everyone, which IMO is an exceedingly illogical concept.

 

When it comes to ending relationships that aren't working, or to deciding whether or not to get back together, I don't think it's as straightforward as there being a "right" answer and a "wrong" answer and needing to figure out which one is which. With time, you may come to feel strongly that you might the right or wrong decision (as I did when I ended my relationship, struggled for a few weeks, and ultimately came to conclude it was the right move), but these things aren't always so absolute.

[Chicago708]

I just got a package from her with all my leftover stuff. I have yet to cancel my plane ticket for this weekend (Valentine's day visit) but I'm sure that will happen tomorrow. It's very hard to deal with somebody hating you because of something you did.

 

I don't believe in "the one" either. I'm sure there's other people out there that would work for me. But to get to the point where I was with my ex-gf will take years (we went out for 4.5 years). I started to realize recently that yes part of me does want to find an exciting new relationship that may be more passionate, but I was so comfortable around my ex-gf and new her so well, and that's something that happens over time, and won't happen unless the two people are very compatible. That level of comfort won't come very soon even if a new girl does. I'm currently living alone but even talking to her on the phone or skype kept me grounded in a way that I took for granted or didn't realize at the time, because not having had that for a couple weeks makes me realize the downsides of being single. It's nice to have a companion even if it's not a soulmate.

 

She said during the talks that led to the breakup that she thought maybe there could be some better match for her out there, but she didn't feel like it was worth it to break up and try to look for that, because she was perfectly happy with the relationship we had. I don't know if it's a difference in our personalities (that I DO think it's worth it to look for that) or if she just felt more strongly about me than I did about her. I don't know, this sucks. It's good to just talk about it at least. Sorry for rambling on.

[Anonymous82]

Totally understand. It takes so many conversations and so much time together to get to that point of total comfort. The thought of having all those conversations all over again and spending all that time with someone else just to get to the point where you already were with your ex can be daunting.

 

But... when you meet someone you really like, that daunting feeling turns to one of total excitement!

 

I'm surprised your ex would say she thought there might be someone else better out there but she didn't want to put in the effort to find him. From my perspective, that seems like a pretty defeatist outlook on life, but as you said, people have different takes on what does and does not work for them, and evidently that view works for her.

[michelle21689]

Anonymous can I private message you about my situation? I think you'd know a lot.

[michelle21689]

This thread is making me depressed

[Anonymous82]

Anonymous can I private message you about my situation? I think you'd know a lot.

 

Of course, you're welcome to send me a PM! I'm not here regularly, so it might sometimes be a little while before I get it, but I'll always try to get back to you. If you feel comfortable with it, you could also post in the thread to open yourself up to others' thoughts and responses too.

 

Sorry to hear this thread made you depressed!