Was breaking up with her a huge mistake?

[Anonymous82]

Do you think this is the same sort of thing? Are not being ready for commitment and knowing someone's not 'the one' the same thing?

 

Perhaps. Some people may say they're not ready for commitment because they're not with the right person. Others may truly have commitment issues. I think it's often the former though... If you really want to be with someone, committing to them shouldn't be such an obstacle.

[show the light]

First off, you're a lot better with words and expressing yourself than you give yourself credit for.

 

A lot of the comments you describe your ex making sound like he's come to the realization that he can't see himself ending up with you anymore. The troubled upbringing makes it more complicated, and perhaps he has issues that are causing him not to be able to see himself ending up with anyone. But I think the best thing you can do is take his words at face value.

 

 

Best wishes.

 

It's so hard to take his words at face value. Part of me thinks that because of his emotional issues that he deep down really does love me and want to be with me, just he just can't access those feelings at the moment. The other part of me thinks it's also possible that he just has no feelings about me anymore. How do I move on knowing the option 1 is a possibility? Even if we did break up I think I would still be holding on to that... so what do I do? How do I forget him?

[Anonymous82]

It's so hard to take his words at face value. Part of me thinks that because of his emotional issues that he deep down really does love me and want to be with me, just he just can't access those feelings at the moment.

 

If that truly is the case, he needs to figure it out on his own; you can't do it for him.

 

You won't "forget" him, but as time goes by and the distance grows between the two of you, it will get easier to move on.

[jenniferxxx]

I just wanted to post a quick reply to try to help. i often read posts but never really post myself. In fact I recently joined here after reading yours to offer some help. A friend of mine gave me a website to look at after i went through a terrible time with my husband. I found it really useful. It stopped me going round in circles and i was able to talk to someone straight away that could clear things up for me. its called relationship support pod. I hope it helps.

[Anoneemous]

Hi all, just wanted to give an update to my own situation and offer some "insights" that I have recently acquired. About 3 weeks ago, my ex and I had a discussion in which he gave me the impression that he was entertaining the idea of getting back together and working on our communication issues. But he claimed he wanted to "work on our friendship" in the meantime and build our relationship back up slowly. However, 2 weeks went by and we only talked maybe once. So I finally got it in my head that I NEEDED to know if this (being broken up) is really what he wants for good, because I don't want to be hoping that one day we'd have a reconciliation and live happily ever after. So I asked him if we could after work, but he had plans that day, so he suggested lunch the next day. Well, we went to lunch, and we shared what we'd been up to recently, and he talked to me in a tone like that which he used when we were together. But we ended up not discussing the relationship at all, and I left frustrated that I still didn't have the answers I wanted.

 

After our lunch meeting, I had what I thought was a "revelation", because I finally started to think of our relationship from the point of view that he must have had. I was always needing reassurance that he still loved me, and I can see now how hard that must have made it for him to feel like he could make me happy. In short, I was being NEEDY, even though I had my own life and hobbies. I was needy, because I was constantly frustrated that he wasn't acting how I wanted him to act.

 

SO, I sent him an email a few nights later, apologizing for the way my behaviors may have contributed to the break up. And admittedly, I was a bit hard on myself. He didn't respond until a couple days later, and when he did, he said that I wasn't the only one to blame and that he'd failed me as a boyfriend more than once. He then went on to say that this is a sad time for us, but he thinks things will get better. And he'll be there for me if I need him.

 

At this point, I began to get ANGRY. I was angry that he would insinuate that I NEED him. And I was angry that he made me believe we could work our friendship back up to a relationship, but then never made a SINGLE attempt at contacting me outside of work. And I was angry that he could suddenly go from telling me he loved me, to seemingly not care just a short while later. It made me wonder if he EVER really loved me.

 

I am finally at a point where I am just tired of making concessions for him in an attempt to "win" him back over. Actions really do speak louder than words, and although he was telling me that he had regrets about breaking up, he wasn't making any moves to fix the situation. He is showing me without words that he is fine going about his life without me in it.

 

I just started reading a book called Why Men Love B*tches, and it has really given me some clarity on things I may have been doing that pushed him away, and things that I am STILL doing that are making life with me unappealing:

 

1. Trying to "talk things out" with him. I was always wanting to talk about the status of our relationship in an attempt to reaffirm his feelings. And I was not helping my cause after the break up by trying to get him to talk about what went wrong in the relationship.

2. Being too available. We work for the same company, so we literally see each other every.single.day. Then we would hang out together after work most days. Then we would travel together on weekends. And now that we're broken up, he still has access to contact me via our office communicator at work.

(although I have just recently blocked him, because I am starting to believe that the only reason he chats with me at work is to ensure that I don't view him as the "bad guy"; I believe he never really had any intentions of us getting back together, but only told me we could work our friendship back up to that in an effort to make me less upset)

 

Anyway, gentlemen- what are your thoughts? Even if not on a conscious level, do you think that a woman's constant need for reassurance can push you away without you even realizing it? Or maybe you do realize it! In my case, I knew I had insecurities, but I assumed that if my boyfriend loved me "enough", it wouldn't matter. But I see now that maybe it does matter. What do you think?

[MissingAminka]

Hey, Man,

 

I can relate. My situation, we sort of mutually called it quits, though not quite at the same time: I also wasn't able to see myself with her in the future, not too much, though I was fairly satisfied with the present -- again, not too much but "fairly" so, just enough...so anyway, she decides to leave but wants to remain friends, and even friends with benefits, mostly for me: she would still come over regularly, twice or more a week to cook, clean, hang out, date, even have sex...but by this time I was too hurt, shocked and then sad and angry, so I basically presented her with an ultimatum: stay and I'll change (I'm a nag and she didn't like it, but a "looker" and a flirt and she didn't like this, either) or I don't ever want to see you again!

 

Well, being that she'd already secured a good roommate and a great place of her own (namely, putting down $$$ on it), she would not consent despite her many tears and even some from me (I lost the ability to cry in the Army, basically). But my point is that once the threat of her moving out became concrete -- was a reality and no longer a threat -- I was much more able to see a future with her...even though I honestly still "believe in" all the things about her that made me not so sure about a lifetime with her (sentimentality, even even cognitive disorders, I suspect)....

 

So anyway, yes, I think so, I think it's possible that a breakup could really focus one's attention on what really matters, as the expression goes...all the many little things we didn't like suddenly pale in comparison to the few but very big things about a person we do!

 

I believe that's my case, anyway. But I can't reconcile with her because of my male pride -- and I hold onto it dearly because it's like all I've got, the only thing keeping me from going to pieces (I'm really out of it as it is; lost ten pounds in two weeks without even trying to!)...unfortunately, she's coming to a certain kind of "feminist" awakening (the natural kind, not one instigated by reading theory, if you know what I mean) and so you know how that's gonna go....

[Anonymous82]

Anyway, gentlemen- what are your thoughts? Even if not on a conscious level, do you think that a woman's constant need for reassurance can push you away without you even realizing it? Or maybe you do realize it! In my case, I knew I had insecurities, but I assumed that if my boyfriend loved me "enough", it wouldn't matter. But I see now that maybe it does matter. What do you think?

 

It's possible, yes, but I think that's a much bigger factor during a flirtation or the beginning of a potential relationship. If a girl comes on too strong too quickly, subconsciously, I think guys will often wonder, "Why is she so desperate to have me? Could I do better?" Everyone says they don't like to play games, but realistically, they occur naturally and those who understand that know how to maintain their cool and are better off.

 

But once you actually build a foundation and develop a deep, meaningful relationship, I don't believe all the "game" stuff should matter. Your partner should want you to want him or her, and should be able to comfort you and help you with your insecurities.

 

I believe that's my case, anyway. But I can't reconcile with her because of my male pride -- and I hold onto it dearly because it's like all I've got, the only thing keeping me from going to pieces (I'm really out of it as it is; lost ten pounds in two weeks without even trying to!)...unfortunately, she's coming to a certain kind of "feminist" awakening (the natural kind, not one instigated by reading theory, if you know what I mean) and so you know how that's gonna go....

 

Thank you for your service. Hope you are able to reconcile all of this. Best wishes.

[anon00]

Anonymous82 I just wanted to say thank you, not only for posting this thread but also for keeping it up to date. It's helped me so much tonight, you would not believe.

 

I split with my girlfriend recently and have had many thoughts about whether I've made a mistake. We'd been going out for around three years and experienced alot together during that time. We survived a long distance relationship, personal dilemas and travelled the planet.

 

When the relationship started I had been single for a long time; when we met I finally felt ready for something serious again. For the first two years (although hard to due the distance) I had the strongest feelings I've ever had for someone. As we got closer to the leaving date for our travels we moved in togetther and that's when the first feelings of she's not the one began to creep in. I guess from that point on there was always something missing for me which never fully recovered.

 

Travelling didn't help the situation, and although we had very many good times we also had some seriously bad times. I managed to brush these off as being more to the dramatic change in lifestyle rather than the strength of our relationship, but looking back, I was probably kidding myself. In the post travelling months we had some really great times, but for me, there was always this feeling that something just wasn't right with the relationship.

 

I was actually quite surprised by how hard she took me breaking up with her, I had personally felt that our relationship was really on the rocks for several months, but she insisted that she had always felt that we were going to move in, get married, and have children together. I've found this part the hardest, and all I can help but think is have I really made a mistake giving up on a relationship with someone who despite everything still loves me enough to see a future like that with me.

 

I'm not sure where we / I go from here. I turn 29 this month and am worried that I might be too old to find someone again, this coupled with the knowledge that I'll never have the same life experiences with another women is not helping with the thought that I'm making a mistake. This thread has made me realise that I need to give it some more time.

 

Thanks again Anonymous82 and thanks to everyone else who shared their stories here.

[Anonymous82]

Thanks for the kind words. Sounds like you have a lot of perspective on your recently ended relationship. It's hard, but giving it some time should certainly assist you in figuring out what you truly want.

 

Best wishes.

[CupidMissedMe]

So Anonymous82 how long have you been with the current gf? I think it's great you are using your life experience to help other people. My bf broke up with me because he can't picture his future with me. I'm trying to not take it personally hahaha.

[Anonymous82]

I've been with her for about five months. Things are going well.

 

Sorry to hear about your recent breakup. Hope everything works out for the best.

[lousweetwater]

Without knowing, I've been in search for this thread for the last four days. Frankly, I'm stunned at what I'm seeing. OP, I am extremely impressed that you've continued to reply to these posts, and I'm especially impressed with your initial update (the one where you had been broken up with your GF for some months; nobody ever updates!). I'm sure by now you've come to the realization that you've helped a number of individuals through your posts. Consider me the latest.

 

I'm going to post some of my story in the hope that it's cathartic and maybe makes me feel a little happier, because God knows I need some happiness tonight. FYI, I created an account solely to post in this thread.

 

My experience has been almost identical to your original post, and the posts of many others present here. I broke up with my girlfriend of 2 1/2 years last night, for reasons I cannot describe. I could only feel it in my gut.

 

I'm a 21 year old, male, college student, and I've been in this relationship all through school. This girl is everything I could ever dream of in a companion; kind, caring, sweet, funny, pretty, great family, understands me, doesn't judge, completely trustworthy, keeps her promises, loves animals and babies, encourages me, supports my goals. Essentially, she's my best friend and the center of my life. When we started dating, I was so incredibly happy I could have promised her the world. Marriage, children, nothing was beyond my desire to provide to her. Over time, our relationship developed into one of extreme security. She made me feel so safe, so loved. We did argue occasionally, but there were never any lasting consequences. We could always get through our disagreements without resentment.

 

However, for the pasts few months I've had this nagging sense that something was missing in my relationship. This feeling was completely undermining us, although on the surface she never sensed it, and I still generally felt safe and happy. Additionally, I had essentially lost all interest in sex, and she noticed. She initiated, and I would go through the motions to make her happy. I really hated that I felt that way. I was eventually sure that our relationship would someday have to end, and that it was my responsibility to make sure it happened. I was completely terrified, and I mean absolutely sickened at the thought of doing it. One night, out of nowhere, I just couldn't wait any longer, I made the move.

 

That was four days ago. Long story short, it was one of the hardest things I've ever done (perhaps the hardest), and it completely devastated each of us.

 

I am experiencing all the same emotions that you did, OP. I can't help but feel as though I'm making a mistake. I'm going to make sure that I take my time though, to see if I made the right choice. A couple days after we broke up, I saw her to try and explain my feelings better. She was very calm, and said she disagreed but understood. I'm positive she believes that I will be back someday (even if it's many months or years), because her parents had been broken up for nearly two years when they were a bit older than us and then got back together, got married, and are still together today. She also has friends that have been in similar situations and are together now.

 

If I'm being completely honest, I'm hoping we each do the single thing for a while (try 6 months - 1 year or so), and then I realize she's "the one." I want this feeling to simply be my desire to experience an independent man's life. I want to take the tome to exercise my doubts away and then give her everything, while also being totally content. But I just don't know if that's how things will work out.

 

I'm still hurting and missing my life with her. I could write for hours about all the ways she made me happy and what I already miss about being with her. I suppose that it's possible I could have made the wrong choice, but I'm determined to take the time to figure it out, even if it kills right now.

 

OP, I just want to let you know, again, that this thread is unbelievably relevant, and helpful. I would highly encourage you to keep maintaining it, because you seem like a very intelligent and understanding man. We all need someone that understands, and as simple a thing as this thread may be, it's a good thing in this world.

 

Thank you.

[Anonymous82]

Very thoughtful, well-reasoned post. Thanks so much for the kind words, and I'm glad my story has helped you cope with the aftermath of ending your relationship.

 

While reading your thoughts, I couldn't help but imagine I could've made almost the exact same post right after my breakup four-and-a-half years ago (can't believe it's been that long!). That's not to say you will end up following the same path I did; maybe she really is right for you and you'll come to realize that with time. But I think it's mature of you to recognize the fact that you need time and distance to figure it out.

 

There's something to be said of the independence thing, particularly as a guy. I had dated and slept with very few women before entering my first relationship, and I definitely had the itch to experience more of that with other people by the time I ended it. At the same time, I came to realize there were reasons I didn't feel my ex was "the one," and even if I'd had the experience going into that relationship that I do now, it wouldn't have ended up lasting. I also would've realized it much sooner; my subsequent relationships were with partners who were better fits for me in many ways, but those relationships lasted less time because I had the experience to realize sooner when it wasn't going to work out.

 

Best wishes. Please feel free to continue to share your thoughts in this thread!

[Mercury100]

Firstly, I want to congratulate Anonymous82 on a spectacular thread, and for not only maintaining the thread but also for helping so many people with his responses. I know so many have already said so, but I am going through exactly the same thing in my own life right now and to know that so many others are/have been too really has given me more comfort than just about anything else. So thank you to everyone. It has also been really interesting to follow Anon82's story over the past 4 years. I actually read every single post and then went back to the original post to read it again, amazing the journey that Anon82 has himself been on. It is great to have shared that journey with you.

 

I NEVER post on threads like this but I feel compelled to post on this one because of its quality.

 

A little about me and my story. I am 31, male and have last week finished with my live in girlfriend of 2.5 years. The first week I have been in total shock. To be honest, I still am. The girl I finished with is amazing - sweet, kind, would do anything for me, great in bed, willing to try anything, cooks for me, and is in love with me. However, hand on heart, I was never truly in love with her. I never had those initial feelings of "passion" but sort of fell into the relationship much like some others who have posted here did. She maintained an initial interest in me and I was willing to see where it led. I don't think it was unreasonable of me to want to give the relationship a go, but in hindsight perhaps it would have been better to cut it off after a few dates once I realised that the "feeling" was not there. I suppose hindsight really is a wonderful thing but I did what I thought was best.

 

So we ended up spending a lot of time together, travelling together, living together even, but I could never shake the feeling that she wasn't the one. I wanted it to work really badly and thought that the feelings may come in time, but whilst there were occasional flickers they were never genuinely there. I met her family and she met mine and things were inevitably drifting towards marriage - in my heart of hearts I knew this and so last week I had the most difficult conversation of my life and ended the relationship. There was sobbing (on both sides) and pain, just lots of pain, which following reading this thread I know (for me at least) will heal in time.

 

Have I made the right decision? Intellectually I know I have, but logic and reason go out of the window when all you feel is pain and anguish, not just for yourself, but more because of what you are doing to someone else that you really care about.

 

One interesting thing that I have noticed from this thread, and which has kind of helped me make sense of why my ex reacted (and continues to react) in such an inconsolable way, is that the feeling of finding out after a couple of years that someone is not "the one" seems to be predominantly a guy issue. It seems that after a couple of years women (or should I say the women who have posted) seem to take a far more pragmatic view of relationships ie if the practical building blocks (such as communication and a degree of connection) are present, then if they have invested in the relationship for a couple of years, they are far more likely to "fall in love" with the man.

 

The man on the other hand is unwilling to persist with the woman if that "spark" is not there, irrespective of the time investment in the relationship. The lack of spark is just a total deal breaker for him.

 

I think that is just a fundamental difference between men and women (perhaps it's our biology, I don't know). I think men and women are hardwired differently when it comes to "spark" and long term relationships. One previous female poster said that provided she was "70 per cent there" with a guy that's enough. I suspect a number of us guys find that equally impossible to relate to.

 

I am beginning to think that men and women see these things differently, and a lot of the pain on the woman's side when a man breaks up with her for this reason is genuinely (and completely understandably) because she does not understand.

 

My ex (along with a number of the women posters here) take a very different (dare I say pragmatic and less idealistic) view of relationships. But we men are who we are, I suppose I am left wondering whether us men are overly idealistic. I live in hope that I am not as this could spell disaster for me ever finding "the one", but I also refuse to live in a relationship which I know is not right, whether or not the reasons behind it are "unrealistic" or otherwise. I suppose only time will tell whether or not "objectively" I made the right decision - all I can say is that (intellectually at least) it feels like the right decision for me, albeit one that is killing me.

 

So in closing some advice would be great. I feel that in my (male) mind I have a justifiable reason for breaking up with my ex. So to any women out there, is there anything I can (or should) say right now that will help her to understand, or at least ease the pain for her? I am hurting a lot, and I know she needs honesty, but I need to give her a message that she understands, in a language that she understands. I am not afraid to say what I am feeling, I am just scared that I will not be able to say it in a language that resonates with my ex.

 

Any advice would be greatly appreciated as this really does hurt like hell right now. And I want to be honest in a way which truly helps her.

 

And Anonymous82 massive respect to you. I can't overestimate how much comfort your words and advice have given to me and countless others who have genuinely felt lonely during such an incredibly dark time.

 

I genuinely do wish everyone else who is going through heartbreak well tonight, and the strength to stay strong.

[learning2relax]

Unfortunately, there is nothing that you can say or do to help her understand or make her hurt less. The same would be true for you. She wouldn't be able to say or do anything to make you feel better either.

 

I think initially, honesty is best but after that, only distance and time can allow each person to travel through the peaks and valleys that come with healing after a breakup. You can't help but care for someone that you were so close to and you will never forget them and them, you. Given that you care as much as you do, my guess is you did make the best decision for both of you even if neither of you feel it right now. She feels hurt, loss, betrayal and abandoned. She needs time to heal from those feelings. You feel care, sadness, fear, doubt and a sliver of hope that you made the right decision. The thoughts and emotions related to the loss of your relationship will eventually fade and the hope will grow over time.

 

Just stay strong and worry less about solving for her. None of that comfort or reassurance can come from you (unfortunately), she can get some from others in her life but it ultimately is something she has to do for herself. Worry about yourself and your own healing. It is a huge transition for both people regardless of who made the decision to end things. We are creatures of habit and we have to learn new patterns and create new habits as we move past the loss.

 

take care....

[Mercury100]

Thank you for your help learning2relax.

 

I did email her earlier today (before I read your response) just to try and be completely upfront with her for my reasons for the break up, as I did not feel as though she had been given the explanation which she needed or deserved. Aside from mentioning that I did not feel as though I could settle down with her, I also wanted to give her some more "practical" reasons as to why we weren't compatible (our sleeping habits, eating habits etc), which really weren't reasons for the break up at all, I was just clutching at straws to try and give her something more definitive, rather than the "wishy washiness" of my gut feeling.

 

In response, she (rightfully) jumped all over these silly reasons and got angry, and she correctly pointed out these weren't issues at all. In hindsight, I regret trying to make up issues that in reality weren't there, just to try and give her practical reasons which didn't involve my feelings. After she responded, I just apologised and left it at that.

 

I think you are right. Unfortunately I am the one person who cannot help right now, which hurts, as previously I was the one person who could make her pain go away.

 

Thanks for your kind words.

[Anonymous82]

Another fantastic post. Thanks for sharing your thoughts Mercury100, and sorry for what you're going through.

 

When you say you already know intellectually that you did the right thing by breaking up with her, I think that speaks volumes. The immediate aftermath of a break up is extremely difficult and painful for both people, but it definitely sounds like you did a noble thing by ending it when you realized you couldn't see yourself ending up with her and that was unlikely to change.

 

Your insights about the differences between genders when it comes to heterosexual relationships are interesting. Every partnership is different, but I do think there's a fair amount of accuracy to your statements. In the experiences of myself and my friends, I believe you're right that the man is more likely to be idealistic and to lose interest as the relationship goes on despite any obvious problems with it on the surface, while the woman is more likely to take a pragmatic view and grow into a deeper connection as time goes on. I suspect that when it comes to generally healthy relationships in which both partners are loving and faithful, the woman is more likely to be the one ending it early on (in the first few months) while the man is more likely to be the one ending it further down the road (after a year or more).

 

I've had your same concerns that my loss of interest in my long-term relationships is rooted in an unrealistic idealism and could prevent me from ever being content in a life-long commitment. But at the same time, I do desire that life-long commitment with the right girl, and my impression is that you do too. I have to believe that when you find her, those feelings will vanish and you'll realize that when you had them in the past, it was just your gut telling you that particular girl wasn't the one for you.

 

Best wishes.

[marshmlofluff]

I think that is just a fundamental difference between men and women (perhaps it's our biology, I don't know). I think men and women are hardwired differently when it comes to "spark" and long term relationships. One previous female poster said that provided she was "70 per cent there" with a guy that's enough. I suspect a number of us guys find that equally impossible to relate to.

 

I believe I am the female poster who said that, after being dumped because a guy loved me but didn't feel "the spark" that he felt in the beginning. Anyway that was three years ago; I am quite happily married now.

 

It's hard to say for sure, but I don't think my philosophy differs from yours because I'm hard-wired differently as a woman. If I had to say where it came from, it's mostly my cultural background. As an Indian-American, I grew up around a culture where many marriages are still arranged after only a few meetings (if that) between the bride and groom. In that world, there is far less emphasis on finding a perfectly compatible partner, and much more focus on tolerating differences and building and maintaining a happy relationship/marriage with the one you have. There are pros and cons of that approach; it really just depends on what you value.

 

But to your question, based on my 2009 experience of dumpage, I was devastated, and there was nothing my dumper really could have said to me that would have made me feel better, simply because nothing he said could have brought back the years and emotions I invested in him, or undone the fact that I had let him into the depths of my heart, based on faith in promises that he had now broken.

 

However, people do move on with their lives. I was so, so devastated when that ex left. Three years later, I rarely think of him, and have trouble even remembering what he looked like. Ultimately whether he made the "right" decision or not doesn't matter; there's no way of knowing what our life would have been like together. I do know this; I landed on my feet and things turned out fine for me. I moved on, found great happiness elsewhere, and I'm not the sort to look back. Given time, the same will happen with your ex.

 

As far as the happiness of my present marriage, was it about initial compatibility, or treating each other with respect? I don't know. There were elements of both.

 

I do know this: Marriage is a far deeper interaction than any non-marriage relationship I was ever in. My husband has stood steadfastly beside me and my loved ones and been a rock during awful times--car crashes, cancer, deaths in the family--whatever horrors you can think of, our families have been through them this last year. The flaky stuff that once mattered so much to me in choosing a partner a decade ago, like whether he shared my particular tastes in literature, was long ago blown out of the water--and it's funny to think that I even cared. For the long haul, the main, and only thing that mattered to me was finding a warm, good, and gentle man who treated me well. It was an awfully hard thing to find (took me a decade plus) but I did find him in the end.

[Anonymous82]

The flaky stuff that once mattered so much to me in choosing a partner a decade ago, like whether he shared my particular tastes in literature, was long ago blown out of the water--and it's funny to think that I even cared.

 

The question is whether we really care about those surface things, or if perhaps they're just reasons we grasp for to try to explain why we broke up with someone when it was really prompted by a deep "gut" feeling that's impossible to put into words.

 

Nice to see you pop back into this thread BTW. Sorry to hear you've been through a lot in the past year, but congratulations on your marriage!

[Mercury100]

Marshmlofluff and Anonymous thanks so much for your words. MF I am also of Indian descent (not living in India, although not in America either) and my parents also had an arranged marriage so I do see where you are coming from. I am not sure that arranged marriages necessarily lead to the best marriages, although I cannot deny that in terms of longevity they do have a pretty impressive track record. Great news that you found true love (in a way that works for you). I really do want that for my now ex-girlfriend. It is just hard for me to turn off all feelings for her and so I instinctively want to try and make her feel better, but I know you are right and I suppose I am the last person who can do that for her right now. I know I called it off but it was not because I did not care for her or even love her on some level, far from it, it is just difficult for me right now to put it into words where that feeling of real uncertainty came from. Yes I know, that's simply not good enough as an explanation, but there it is. I know that she invested a hell of a lot in the relationship too, which is why she must be feeling devastated right now too.

 

Anonymous you hit the nail exactly on the head. I actually tried to give my ex some reasons as to why I did it other than on "gut feel" but just ended up spouting a load of nonsense that didn't really cut it and just made her angry. I still feel like I owe her an explanation (at least one that resonates with her) as to why I did it. If I really sit down I could probably come up with reasons which led to my decision. I suppose my question is: should I ask her whether she wants this explanation or shall I just leave her to heal in her own time? In my mind, giving definitive reasons may help her, but quite frankly I do not want to open up wounds for her which I hope are beginning to heal, at least, a little.

 

I suspect that you will ask me to leave well alone right now, but it would be great to hear the consensus opinion. MFluff if you would like to chip in too that would be great, given our similarities in cultural background it would be really helpful to get your take on it too.

 

Thank you.

[Mercury100]

Anon82 it would be great for an update on your relationship status too? Have you found the elusive "one" yet

[Anonymous82]

I suppose my question is: should I ask her whether she wants this explanation or shall I just leave her to heal in her own time? In my mind, giving definitive reasons may help her, but quite frankly I do not want to open up wounds for her which I hope are beginning to heal, at least, a little.

 

I completely understand the desire to give her an explanation that will answer her questions and make her feel better. Unfortunately, it's far more likely that attempting to do so will anger her by making her defensive of your reasons or sadden her my making her feel like she couldn't meet your expectations in a partner. At this point, after multiple attempts, I do believe it's best to let at rest, at least for the time being.

 

Anon82 it would be great for an update on your relationship status too? Have you found the elusive "one" yet

 

Thanks for asking! I posted this about five months ago:

 

It's been quite a couple months for me. About six weeks ago, I told one of my best friends, whom I've known well for nearly 15 years, that I had developed feelings for her... and was surprised to discover she'd been feeling the same way! We've begun dating, and it's all been so surreal and, for the most part, amazing. It's early on, and I have no idea what's in store for us, but there definitely seems to be a very strong connection above and beyond what was already a very strong friendship. I feel pieces in place here that correspond to things I felt were missing with girls I've dated in the past.

 

Things are still going well. We celebrated six months since our first date over the weekend, and we've been "official" for about four-and-a-half to five months now. We're taking it day by day, and dating someone you've known so well as a close friend for so long before you dated can have some unexpected twists and turns. But overall, we have an incredible connection, I'm happy, and I feel optimistic about what the future holds.

[Mercury100]

Thank you for the response. It's hard dealing with the mood swings, one minute you're ok, next you're feeling pretty low. If I'm feeling like this as the dumper then god knows how she feels as the dumpee, but on some level I think you're probably right that I should leave it for a while. This is actually a great place to come and share how I feel, as whilst friends and family are great at this time, you don't want to constantly unload on them as it can get them down too.

 

Really pleased that it's going well with your new(ish) girl! That's good karma for you after all the good relationship advice you've given to others over the years

 

Good night to all

[lousweetwater]

It's been over a month since I broke up with her and submitted my first post to this thread.

 

I still miss her enormously, and everyday I wish I could change myself to be the person she needs.

 

And yet, I still feel like going back now would be a mistake. Sometimes I wonder if we lacked chemistry, or if that particular feeling was coming from my lack of maturity and life experience.

 

It is my deepest, most sincere hope that someday I can eradicate the feelings that drove me to the breakup. I can only wonder if she would still take me, or even be able to...

[Mercury100]

Hi. Yes it's very hard. Been about a month and a half since my break up with the girl I lived with. I do miss my ex a lot too, but I think that part of that is because I really liked and respected her as a person and still really care about her, just not as the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.

 

If I were you, the question I would ask is "Does it matter where the feeling comes from?" Surely if it was not right for you then the best thing you did for everyone's sake was to end it. Think about how many people don't have the backbone to do this because of what "everyone else" might say.

 

Don't hold too many expectations on her taking you back - and ask yourself in your heart of hearts whether you could do it now anyway? From your post I think you know the answer.

 

Stay calm and stay strong. Force yourself to run, swim, read empowering books, listen to music that you like. Get some new, great goals. Surround yourself with people who make you feel amazing. I know it's hard, but try not to wallow in it. Part of being a man is sticking to a decision once it's been made and not messing people around - this is all about your ex now and not about you. Most importantly, don't do anything which could hurt her. You owe her that at the very, very least.