Was breaking up with her a huge mistake?

[Anonymous82]

Please don't apologize for sharing your story here... That's what this forum and thread are here for!

 

I don't know if i feel that way because i am lonely or because i still love her.We stay in touch,she sees that i'm in a bad shape and tries to help me with whatever she can.

 

I think this summarizes it well. Before you make any decision about what to do going forward, you need to solve what the cause of these feelings is. Your post suggests concern that you'd feel compelled to break up with her again if you were to go back to her right now, which is reason enough to hold off until you get things figured out.

 

I'm sorry to hear you're going through a rough time and feeling depressed. It's great that you are taking the initiative to see a doctor about it.

 

Try to stay positive. Best wishes.

[Bleachcake]

Please don't apologize for sharing your story here... That's what this forum and thread are here for!

 

 

 

I think this summarizes it well. Before you make any decision about what to do going forward, you need to solve what the cause of these feelings is. Your post suggests concern that you'd feel compelled to break up with her again if you were to go back to her right now, which is reason enough to hold off until you get things figured out.

 

I'm sorry to hear you're going through a rough time and feeling depressed. It's great that you are taking the initiative to see a doctor about it.

 

Try to stay positive. Best wishes.

 

Thank you so much for your reply!

 

I will try to seek help first .

 

Be well and thanx once again

[Anonymous82]

You're welcome! Same to you.

[bybee]

It took me hours and hours to read this thread today, and I burst into tears like 20 times or something. Thank you for sharing your experiences in a very honest and helpful manner. I've learned new insights, and hopefully I can use some in my own situation. My situation is largely the same but of course there are differences.

 

My boyfriend and I have been together for about 4 years. He used to think that he'd marry me any day but now he isn't sure. His PhD is taking a lot of his time and energy, and what he fears is that he'd not see us together in 5 years time - when he finishes his degree and goes to the REAL world out there.

 

We're currently on a break and I do not know what to do about this. I mentally prepare myself for 3 scenarios:

1. He would commit more and we'd get back together.

2. He wouldn't, and we'd walk away.

3. We give each other more time to decide between 1 and 2.

 

I'm just confused myself as much as he is, I think. We do love each other a lot and the relationship is always a long-distance one. Distance cannot stand between us, and now something very future-oriented vague phantom stands between us. I feel like cancer is pronounced on our relationship, and I initially broke up with him because I couldn't cope with the idea that I'm 'inessential' in his future. But I got back and gave us time to think about us - is there any chance, is there any change, is there anything we'd regret if we walk away, etc.

 

I read your posts, every single one of them - some say moving on is the choice that hurt you but you'll benefit from it. Could it be the case here? I do not want to bring my hopes up for a get-together, and I do not want to hold him back if we're not a good match, but God knows how painful the whole thing currently is. I'm so sad, I want the best for us (not the best for just me) and I know that he wants the best for us too. But a breakup is horrifying, I just want to hang myself on a pine tree if it really happens. I'm so scared, scared, scared...

 

I look forward to next week - when we will talk again - and also feel like 'please stop time!'. I love him so much but I think it shouldn't be a reason for me to compromise. He loves me a lot too but I can see it's likely that he won't compromise either.

 

Is this it? It's so painful, so so so so so so so so painful. I wish I could go to sleep and never wake up to face it. What if he also doesn't want to face it? It's a massive heartbreak now if we break up, for me, for him, for both our families - everyone loves seeing us together... I really want to do ANYTHING to numb this pain but what is it to do?

[Anonymous82]

Sorry to hear what you're going through. The long distance makes it so tough. You two have been dating since you were 19 and he was 22, and have been doing so long distance for almost that entire time! That's really difficult. I certainly think long-distance relationships can work, particularly when they start out locally and have some sort of finite point at which both people know they will be local again. I'm guessing the fact that he doesn't know when he'll be living near you again is weighing heavily on his mind.

 

I understand the appeal of the one-year timeframe to allow him to come to a decision, but I don't think it works well in most cases due primarily to the reason you outlined: you would spend that year worrying about what he was thinking and whether he was going to end things at the end of it.

 

This is just my perspective, and I am not any sort of expert, but my general advice would be to either agree to both give your all to continue to work on the relationship, or to attempt to move on and at least have a significant period with no contact to gain some perspective independently from each other and better be able to evaluate your relationship. The state you're in now, somewhere between fully committed and broken up, is unfortunately likely to continue to cause both of you a lot of heartbreak until resolved on way or the other. You're experiencing all the same emotions one feels when going through a difficult breakup, but not gaining any of the time and distance away from your partner that allows one to begin to heal.

 

I hope you're able to move past the pain you're feeling right now, and that everything works out for the best.

[bybee]

Thank you, Anonymous82. Your reply is very to-the-point, and I'm glad you managed to read through the old post (which I edited to make it reasonably 5 times shorter

 

I'm thinking along the same line too. I spent days and days wondering what he might have had in his head right now, and cried over them. Fortunately I have pulled myself together and put an end to that pointless mind-reading process. I focus more on what is going on in my head instead, and so this time off is actually quite necessary. A breakup doesn't sound like death anymore - I'm not scared anymore, but I'll keep the options open and discuss with him to see where we'll go from here. Calmness has come back to some extent.

 

But - I've become dysfunctional in other aspects of life for the last 2 weeks. Can't eat, can't sleep, and can't work. I'm attending grad school so the last bit - can't work - is really really wrong. Next week something important is happening and I should be prepared but I can't concentrate on anything that is NOT relevant to our relationship. Do you have any tips on how to work when your mind is wandering (calmly) elsewhere? I don't want to beat myself up, insisting on a fast recovery when the wound is still so raw - but if I remain at this snail speed, my prof will beat me up and that's scary too

 

Yes, people absolutely have a point when they scream 'I LL NEVER FALL IN LOVE AGAIN'!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[bybee]

Nooooooooooooooo - I've changed my mind. I'm scared again. What if he moves on successfully, like you OP did? Good for him right. What about me, where will I be? How can I love again, how can I trust again, how can I dare to give in myself again?

[Anonymous82]

Yeah, I read your original post in my email and realized after replying that you'd since edited it.

 

I wish I could offer you advice as to how not to think about it, but I don't have any magic solution other than to say that the more time goes by without contact, the easier it becomes.

 

I realize the prospect of him moving on is very scary, but if it happens, IMO that usually means it was inevitably going to happen eventually, and better now than years down the road when it would hurt even more. If he truly wants to be with you and maintain the investment in your relationship, that's something he needs to come to realize. Again though, this is only my opinion and I'm not an expert... Perhaps it would help you to talk to one?

 

I know it seems impossible to imagine right now, but if this relationship doesn't work out, you'll find what you're looking for with someone else someday. Any time you fall in love with someone or give him or her all of your trust, you are putting yourself in a vulnerable position, but that's part of what relationships are about and a risk that's absolutely worth taking.

[bybee]

Good news for me He came back saying his confidence in us is restored. He made me promise to attend his PhD graduation in the future and assured me that he'd work hard to graduate as early as possible. Another 4 years with the long distance thingy awaits us - or maybe even more since I'll do another degree too, but he said we could work it out together. He wanted to work it out together. Again, he repeated what he said to me 4 years ago at the airport "I'd prefer a short-distance relationship with you than a long-distance one, but a long-distance relationship with you is way better than no relationship with you at all". And he acknowledged he at times took me for granted, thinking I'd always be there but this time, when I saw that he wouldn't value me as much as I value him, I broke up with him in his astonishment.

 

I pretended to be the skeptical woman for a good 2 hours - asking him if there's anything fundamentally changed, if his decision is clouded by sudden emotions, if he wanted to date other people to see how he feels about life, if he wanted more time to consult someone else, etc. - before throwing my arms around him, in tears and via Skype. Walking away from him, in a way, is my huge mistake; but in another way isn't at all. It makes us both realize how much love we hold for each other. After the conversation and his return, I remained stoned for a while - didn't feel anything, to my surprise I didn't even smile, didn't feel relieved, didn't feel anything. I somehow turned numb to whatever was happening (not me wanting to be numb though). Hours later, alone in my room, once I successfully processed the situation in my head, I couldn't stop smiling and felt like a happy idiot.

 

Right now we're both very optimistic about whatsoever

And the lesson I learn from this is that if there's mutual love and there's no one having 'the upper hand' in the relationship negotiation, things can be fixed without not much of hard feelings.

- He doubted if he would include me in his future (him having power).

- We talked for weeks (equal).

- I broke up with him (me having power).

- I came back saying my decision is not entirely a well-informed one, things are not like he's the evil and I'm the martyr, everyone has their own aspirations (equal). I proposed to make a breakup a break so we both can think things through (equal).

- We took the break (equal).

- During the break, I suffered nausea attacks and my wonderful stomach started bleeding again due to anxiety and stress so I broke NC and contacted him first for a resolution (him having power)

- I remained silent and distant, ready to take whatever scenario; meanwhile he wanted to get back together (me having power).

- Both decided to get back and give our relationship our best shot (equal).

 

I hope everyone going through tough times in relationship would have happy resolution too. God knows how vividly a heartbreak can transform into physical pain.

Relationships seem to be the game for the strong but maybe we don't need to be strong from the start, we can get strong along the way. Maybe, I don't know.

[Anonymous82]

Thanks for providing an update and your insights! Glad to hear you're happy with the resolution. Best wishes in the future!

[Dudedudedude]

We havent broke up. Im going to let time take care of it. When we first started dating i saw a future, now not so much.

 

I think im goin to let time take care of it. If its not meant to be, then its not meant to be.

 

I have alot of things to focus on and i feel like see is holding me back a little bit, not because shes controlling err anything like that just it take alot of time being with her and she has needs to. I have a job, school (quarter system at the university lvl), military training, and my friends i wanna hang with.

 

I no you get alot of questions and im sorry that i have to ask you this but do you agree that i should let time take care of it?

 

Thanks alot man, from me and everyone.

[Anonymous82]

If you are certain you don't see a future with her, you may feel you owe it to her to express that.

 

If you're not certain one way or the other, I think there's nothing wrong with giving yourself time to figure it out.

 

Communication is the most important thing. If you have concerns, express them to her. That way, the two of you can try to work on them together. If you ultimately conclude you can't make it work with her, at least you gave it your all and didn't catch her by surprise.

[Bunney]

I can promise you that I am feeling feelings about my new gf that I've never felt for anyone before. I would marry her tomorrow if I could. I worry about her if I dont hear from her, I miss her when I dont see her, and I feel empty and lost when we are apart. I've been in a few relationships before and I can assure you that I have not felt this way about anyone before.

 

Rob

 

Quite funny how these are the exact words that my most recent boyfriend used to tell me in the beginning, actually up until a month ago. He left me yesterday, saying he doesn't feel the same way anymore.

 

I think I'll give up on relationships permanently and just put up a huge wall around me. Seems much easier that way.

[Bunney]

Question to you, Anonymous82. You listed a bunch of things that your ex did wrong- like incompatibilities. If they weren't there and she did everything "right" - shared ALL your views, beliefs etc - do you think your feelings wouldn't have subsided?

 

I still can't believe my boyfriend left after how happy we were to have found eachother, and how good of a couple we were. I can't help but blame myself and wonder if I had done everything right (I'm a jealous person, tended to rage sometimes, etc), he would still be with me here. I have no idea how to get over this feeling of emptiness and loneliness.

[Anonymous82]

I'm sorry to hear about your breakup and the struggle you're going through. I understand you feel empty right now, but as time goes by and you gain some distance from the breakup, things will get better and you may even start to realize there were reasons why your partner wasn't right for you either.

 

First of all, the most important thing to me is that my partner is honest and true to her beliefs and who she is. I once "dated" a girl (OK, more like a messed up "friends with benefits" situation back in college) who I thought I had a lot in common with... but looking back, we didn't have as much in common when we first met until she latched on to my beliefs and interests. It's great to explore your partner's interests and compromise on shared activities, but not at the expense of sacrificing your own beliefs. You are who you are, and if that doesn't work for your partner, that doesn't mean you need to change; it just means your relationship isn't meant to be.

 

Second of all, I would not want a partner who shared ALL my views, beliefs, interests, etc.... That would make for a pretty dull relationship IMO. I don't want to date a clone of myself! But there are certain BIG PICTURE beliefs/values that get more to the core of who a person is. Some examples for me would be my strong desire not to being judgmental and to instinctively put myself in someone's else's shoes when I can't understand their behavior, my progressive world/political views, etc. Through my dating experience, I've learned that these qualities are too important to me to overlook if my partner doesn't share them.

 

The bottom line is I want my girlfriend to be herself, not to be trying to do everything "right" in order to keep our relationship alive. Relationships are a process, and as they progress, you get to know your partner on a deeper level. Ideally, the connection continues to grow, but sometimes, it may at some point lead to the discovery that one or both of you are incompatible in ways you feel you cannot overcome.

 

That's not to say there aren't things we all can't try to do to become better people. If you have concerns about your jealousy or rage, that is certainly something you might want to work on. But do it for your own self-improvement, not to keep or bring back your partner!

 

Best wishes.

[gsn332]

Hi guys I've read this thread for the past few hours...and i feel like i'm somewhat in a similar situation. Was wondering if you guys could help me out...I've been having these thoughts for since the beginning of March.

 

For over a month...I've experiened some real stress and depression regarding my relationship. But here is a little background about myself before:

 

I am a big worrier. I've diagnosed myself with OCD.

This may seem irrelevant/random at the moment but about a month ago, I used to watch porn almost every day for at least an hour. But since then I have stopped completely.

I am 21. My gf is 20. It is both our first relationship. We have been dating for nearly 7 months. I love her personality and that is why I'm afraid that I will regret losing her. But then again it is our first relationship...and we are both really young.

 

 

So what has been stressing me is whether or not I'm physically attracted to her.

 

Besides the physical attraction, she is perfect in every other way.

 

Reasons why I feel like I may not be attracted to her:

 

- In the beginning of our relationship, before all these thoughts of whether or not I am physically attracted to her came up, I remember I used to lay on top of her and essentially hump her (LOL I know its funny) because she wasn't ready to have sex. I remember quite a few times while I was laying on top of her I would think of other girls.

 

---> Now does me having to think of other girls have to do with the fact that I watched so much porn that I had to think of ****ty girls or girls that fit that porn-image?

 

And another reason being that I can never lay down in bed and fantasize about her...I can fantasize about other girls though...I'm afraid that this might happen with every other girl I may be with in the future.

 

Reasons why I feel like I am attracted to her:

 

- I must have found her physically attractive to have wanted to call her beautiful at the club, right? What attracts us to someone is their physical traits initially right?

 

- I get aroused whenever she puts her hands down my pants, i hug her, i grind on her

- We have had s*x quite a few times and every time we have done it I can finish by just looking at her and how good it feels

 

---> But maybe this is because she is my first girlfriend?

 

Am I physically attracted to her?

 

Some part of me wants to stay with her and another part of me, which is risen in the past month and half wants to see other girls...and see if i can find someone that i not only connect with emotionally but sexually to a greater degree.

 

Advice?

[Anonymous82]

I think the bottom line is that, as you said, you are young. When it's your first serious relationship, it's so difficult to know whether your concerns are a normal part of a healthy relationship or a sign things aren't going to work.

 

IMO, while the "can't-keep-our-hands-off-each-other" phase of a relationship inevitably fades after a few months, the physical attraction itself should not. There's nothing wrong with noticing other girls or watching pornography from time to time and being open with your partner about it, but the level at which you say you do those things does seem a little concerning.

 

Open communication is key... If you can, talk to your girlfriend about your concerns or insecurities; maybe the two of you can address them together. However, if your feelings persist and you can't resolve them within your relationship, you might want to consider whether you need some time away from her to figure out what it is you really want and whether you think you can make it work with her.

 

Good luck.

[happywithin]

Anonymous82

 

This has been a great thread; it reads like a very interesting book. I appreciated the truth from a guys/mans prospective. There is one type of breakup that is not addressed in this thread; a man leaving for another woman.

 

MY STORY:

 

I was broken up with, out of the blue! I had my suspicions for about a month after dating 3 years that there may be someone else that caught his interest. I did not want to have a suspicious relationship so I never questioned him; but I did have a conversation with him that if he was thinking about cheating on me, or stepping out on me, to please break up with me first. He broke up with me the very next day. We are very mature in our relationship; he turned 49 and I will be 48. We never fought, got a long great, had lots in common and just overall had a fun easy relationship. People saw that we were a great match as a couple and in love. We always touched each other and were very close. An older man that was having his 50 year anniversary came up to us in a restaurant and told us that we looked like he and his wife did years ago. A new friend in our life told me that she aspired to find a relationship like ours. Anyway, I was always concerned about his commitment. He had an awful awful divorce and decided that marriage wasn't for him. He said its a business and he didn't want it again. I broke up with him after a year because I believed that I did want to be married again. We got back together and I gave up that I needed to be married as long as it was going to be us in a committed relationship. I didn't give up my belief in marriage, just that we didn't need to be married. But, someone did catch his eye and he decided that he wanted to check it out. So he left me for another woman. I believe it boiled down to him possible going thru a crazy mid life crisis type of situation and realizing that I would be the only women he'd have sex with for the rest of our lives, pondering what he's done in life...etc. I was shocked, devastated and heart broken. Everyone was shocked; not one person had a clue (except me). It is a tough road, a heartbreak. It's been almost 6 weeks and I am doing pretty good. We have had no contact; I do not believe he is due any of my comforts so I took all my stuff from his house (he was using my washer and dryer, etc). We did not live together but were talking about moving in together in about a year. He did not delete me from Facebook and although I rarely get on it..I got notifications today from Facebook so I went went on Facebook and saw that he had a new friend; its the new girl. I previewed her; and I was not at all impressed. What he liked about us was that it was easy and it flowed well. We had a great sex life; had sex all the time. He called me his little porn star...he liked that I didn't have issues and was mentally healthy. The knew girl is not an upgrade that's for sure. And it's not the jealous ex speaking...its the truth. She is in a church where she attends a addicts recovery class (not sure if its for her); but I am assuming it is. Why would he downgrade? Why would he fall for someone less than me and with issues? And I am not all that; I am just regular. A regular healthy person. Not beautiful; but attractive. Anybody have any ideas why a guy does this; leaves for another woman who is less than what he had?

 

I know he'd been pondering this break up for a month; but he moved right on with another woman. Are his mourning me feelings being covered up by the infatuation and rush of the new sex? Just curious; thanks for you reply in advance.

[Anonymous82]

That's a tough situation.

 

On the one hand, maybe he's just too impulsive to see the big picture. I think it's normal for that "can't-keep-our-hands-off-each-other" passion to fade after a while, and some people handle that better than others. I know it freaked me out in some of my early relationships, but as I gained experience, I came to accept that it was natural and understand that though the thought of being with other women might seem appealing, that same cycle would always play itself out. If you truly love the person you're with, you should be able to have an open and honest dialogue, and to appreciate the fact that you are more compatible with them than you would be with some other person.

 

On the other hand, perhaps he realized at some point that you weren't right for him but was scared to end the relationship or wanted to enjoy the comfort of it until he was able to move on. Unfortunately, some people are afraid to break up with their partner even after they realize it is not going to work out, and choose to stay in that relationship until they've found someone else.

 

Sorry for what you're going through.

[sarahvalent]

Hi Anonymous,

 

I wanted to post to get some advice too. I have read your replies to other people (and also previously this thread) and I just think your advice comes from a good and mature place so just hoping you could give me some perspective. So I don't really see the point in explaining the situation, because whenever I do it just makes me feel a bit pathetic... I would say how during our relationship I don't think he was ready to be in one and was dealing with personal issues and all this stuff, and in the end it doesn't really matter. It has now been over 6 months of no contact from either side. He basically forced me to break up with him, so I really feel if anyone were to make contact it would have to be him. Apparently after the break up he went a bit crazy, but I doubt this had anything to do with me (I really doubt I was ever that important to him as he never really made me much of a priority). He held back a lot.

 

I think in some respects we are probably not right for each other. We have different values on certain things, and sometimes he would try to live up to my values but mostly he just really didn't care about a lot of things... he just wanted his life to be easy. But I am still struggling to let him go. Obviously I went out with him for a reason and I thought I saw something in him, and I did (do) care for him. But he really wasn't that great to me when we were together, and he was particularly unkind during the break up.

 

So... do you have any advice? How do I make that final step towards letting go? I feel like I committed myself to him and it's not something I can easily shake off. And in a weird way I don't think the no contact is helping me now, it sort of feels like things are stalled in my brain even though I have come a long way. And I couldn't break it, it would just be humiliating if I did considering how he was at the end. But he probably won't either. I just don't really understand any of it, I really thought that there was something more to him.

[Anonymous82]

When you say things like "I really doubt I was ever that important to him as he never really made me much of a priority" and "he really wasn't that great to me when we were together," I think you have your answer... I'm sure he had a lot of great qualities and the two of you shared many things in common, but statements like this are not ones you make about someone with whom you want to--or should want to--spend the rest of your life.

 

I'm not sure about any great advice for moving on other than keeping as much distance apart as possible and allowing time to pass, but it sounds like you are doing both those things. I do think the feeling of having left some thoughts unsaid to your partner can hold you back, but it's not always the best idea to initiate contact solely for the purpose of saying those things, as it can lead to interactions that may set you back in the process of moving on.

 

Have you tried writing out your thoughts? Maybe even draft an email to him expressing how you felt about what happened in your relationship, but just hold onto it for a while? Simply having it typed out might make you feel better, but if you sit on it for a few weeks and still feel a strong need to express it to him, you could consider whether in might be worth sending in a manner that makes it clear you are seeking finality and not looking to open up a regular dialogue.

 

Best wishes.

[happywithin]

Thanks for your reply. It's just so strange how you think you knew someone. I guess in some ways I knew that it wasn't right either, i.e. the commitment issue. I will definitely pay attention to the signs in the future. Good luck to you and everyone else out there...we are all searching for the same thing. And I believe we eventually find it

[Live-N-Learn]

I still can't believe my boyfriend left after how happy we were to have found eachother, and how good of a couple we were.

 

I remember thinking the same thing. But I came to realize this was how I felt and not necessarily how she felt. If she would have viewed the relationship as I did, she would not have left. It's easy to transfer how we viewed the relationship onto our partners that left. Especially when we think back to some of the statements they made to effect of how much they loved us and so on...but the real truth is in their actions not in their words.

[armitageshanks]

Hey Anonymous 82, can't believe you still post on here! I've followed several pages of your thread and I am in almost exactly the same situation right now as you were. I ended it with my girlfriend of 6 months about 3 weeks ago, and for the last few days I've started to feel like I made a mistake. But I still can't shake the feeling that if I got back together, that I might just hurt her again later.

I guess what I'm asking is should I just hang in there for a few more weeks? How long do you think it'll take before I know for sure?

 

Thanks man.

[Anonymous82]

My relationship from which the breakup started this thread lasted a couple years. It's hard to recall exactly how long it took me to start to move on since it was so long ago, but I'm pretty sure I was conflicted after 2 or 3 weeks, perhaps starting to realize I'd probably done the right thing but also worrying I could end up regretting it and looking back fondly on all the great times we'd had together. It was probably a month or two before I became fairly certain the breakup was the correct decision for me.

 

Needless to say, there are no finite "rules" guiding how long it "should" take to get over someone or realize you made a mistake. Some people find closure quickly, and for others it may take a long time.

 

I would say, though, that if you continue to experience an underlying feeling that you might hurt her again, it might not be a great idea to get back together with her without first clearly expressing this concern to her and making a concerted effort to be aware of how you are feeling about the relationship and express it to her. You don't have to be certain things are going to work out in order to reenter a relationship, but if you've already ended it once, I think it's important to be very careful to take steps to assure open, honest communication if doubt begins to creep up again.

 

Best wishes.