Was breaking up with her a huge mistake?

[Aurelius44]

Sounds like a case of buyer's remorse. You couldn't see yourself having a future with the girl, now you're questioning why.

 

I am curious why you went all-in on a full breakup. A "break" for two weeks where you thought about things might have been a better route.

[Anonymous82]

You may want to read further into the thread. The OP was written in February 2008.

[CBD]

Hello everyone,

I just want to thank Anon82 for coming back and updating and everyone else who shared their stories, especially those who followed up. This thread has been remarkably helpful to me in the week after I broke up with my now ex girlfriend. So little information can be found about this situation. I could not find comparable information anywhere else. It would truly be a shame if this was lost somehow. I would like to share my own story as well, for future readers of this thread.

 

I broke up with my ex 6 weeks ago, after 3 years together. I could have written, word-for-word, many of the posts I have seen in this thread. It was probably the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life, which is weird because I never expected breaking up to be that hard.

 

For all practical purposes our relationship was great. We got along well, and shared many interests. I loved her a lot. You know the drill.

About 6 months into the relationship, I think that deep down I realized she was not the one for me. Although we had a lot of fun together and could always share a good laugh, I always felt that in a really basic way we are incompatible. I think our drives are really different and that could be a part of it. I am into experiencing everything. She is into getting and maintaining security. (I am not talking relationship here, I am referring to all aspects of life, ,pretty much).

Maybe a year into the relationship I think I already knew that I could not let myself end up with her. Still I could not bring myself to end it.

It sounds selfish but my motivation was anything but. I could not bring myself to hurt her that way. I lied to myself, hoping I could grow into the relationship.

After about 2 years I felt that the sex which was nice at first (not amazing, but nice) had gradually turned into a chore. I felt that she was enjoying the closeness, but not the sex. She just was not into it. That made me feel sick. I don't need favors. Plenty of other girls were attracted to me. It became scarce, but mainly because I avoided it. I didn't feel any attraction for her anymore. I had known this for the last year of our relationship. Still it was almost impossible for me to break up with her. At this point I could not stop thinking about how unsatisfied I was in the relationship. I decided we must break up for my sake if not for hers, and I tried mustering up courage to do it every couple of days for almost 2 months. Eventually I figured the truth cannot be a bad thing, and we broke up.

 

Guilt is an overwhelming emotion. Much more mind altering than any substance I have ever had the privilege of trying.

 

For the next 2 weeks I felt nothing but the need to call her and tell her I want us to be together, and that I had made a huge mistake.

This thread is definitely the reason I did not do that. I think it was Anon82's advice to give it time. I did. My feelings were a mess.

Reading through the thread (took me almost a week to go through all of it), I felt that many of you were in exactly the same place I was. But I also felt anger, as the stories progressed and unfolded. I felt my hope for our relationship dwindling with every person who said that in retrospect it was the right thing to do, because deep down through all the guilt and doubt, I knew it was the right thing for me as well.

 

After about 3 weeks I had gained the clarity that I had been hoping for. It was over, long before I ended it. I could not go back to her.

 

Now, 6 weeks later, I can say for certain that it was the right decision. With respect to what some posters said, especially female, about arranged marriages and learning to love someone.. I must say I disagree. Although during my guilt trip I wasn't as certain, I now feel that underlying our relationship were feelings of guilt and obligation which are not what I want to stay for. If all you need in a partner is security and companionship, than yes, that plan would work out. I think there is much more to life and love. Love is about recognizing the unique things about yourself in someone else. I don't believe in "The One", and yet, I believe that truly deep connections can only come when there is great love. That doesn't mean the honeymoon phase can last forever. But when you don't see yourself staying with someone forever - then there is a very good reason for that, even if you cannot put it to words just yet.

 

So I guess I would like to say that time is truly something you owe yourself before you run back to lift your ex up from the black hole you imagine her to be in right now. Don't let yourself be ruled by guilt. It is a pretty much useless emotion in relationships. love is a bond between equals, not an exchange of appeasements out of pity. After such a long time in a relationship, you get very attached to the other person's happiness and it is very hard to be the cause of unhappiness in their life. But you cannot spend your life tending someone else's emotions. And if you are not going to spend your life doing that, as I would suggest, than it is better to end it sooner than later and not waste anyone's time. Especially yours.

[Anonymous82]

So I guess I would like to say that time is truly something you owe yourself before you run back to lift your ex up from the black hole you imagine her to be in right now. Don't let yourself be ruled by guilt. It is a pretty much useless emotion in relationships. love is a bond between equals, not an exchange of appeasements out of pity. After such a long time in a relationship, you get very attached to the other person's happiness and it is very hard to be the cause of unhappiness in their life. But you cannot spend your life tending someone else's emotions. And if you are not going to spend your life doing that, as I would suggest, than it is better to end it sooner than later and not waste anyone's time.

 

Absolutely fantastic post. Very insightful. Like you said about my OP, I could've written much of this myself five years ago when I was dealing with the aftermath of initiating my breakup.

 

Every relationship in your past teaches you valuable lessons. It took you a couple years to figure out what your "gut" feeling six months into the relationship was really telling you. But if similar feelings emerge in a future relationship, you'll know it sooner, have experience with how to act on it, and lesson the pain and difficulty of the breakup for you and your partner.

 

Thanks for sharing your story! BTW, I back up this thread every once in a while, just in the off chance it gets lost for some reason.

[cam116]

Wow. I must say, if some of these original stories were written today, I would think it was my ex posting them! Hoping for some insight and advice here. He broke it off with me about a month ago after 5 years together for reasons listed in many of these posts. He couldn't see a future with me suddenly and doesn't know why. He fell out of love and doesn't know why. He felt we were "too comfortable", and that the spark was gone. Told me that I'm everything he wants in a girl, but his goals in life have changed. To what? I don't know. I don't think he does either. Most of the story is here if anyone would like to read in detail: link removed

 

Since the BU, we have had a few conversations. The break-up was very amiable, no yelling, no arguments. Have spoken on the phone a few times and met up a few times after BU to go over things. He has been very open and honest with me, and has always been available to answer any and all of my questions I've had. Overall, I'm doing pretty well with the BU. Our last conversation took place a little over a week ago. He called me initially to ask if it was okay that he stop by the apartment to pick up a few more clothes. I said it was no problem, I was out anyway. So we ended up chatting about life for a bit on the phone (second time he had called about something mundane and turned it into a 30 minute conversation about our going-ons in life). Anyhoo, I told him that I wasn't sure about how to approach boundaries. We really hadn't agreed upon how much contact to have with one another, and I was really lost on if/when I could contact him. Mind you, at this point he has been the one to contact me on 3 separate occasions since BU. We both agreed that we really want to remain friends, but that of course won't happen for a long time. He said as far as being able to "hang out", that can't happen until we are both able to be around one another without feeling pressured to talk about the relationship. I told him at times, I feel like I can do that (being very honest), but of course an hour later that feeling usually goes away. He said he didn't feel he was ready. He said why don't we give it a few weeks, and we'll meet up for lunch or drinks or something just to see how we are able to interact with one another and maybe we'll have a better grasp on exactly what kind of boundaries we feel we need to place. I agreed, and we set a date for the last Saturday of January. He also told me that he still felt that breaking up was the right decision right now, and doesn't know if his feelings about it will ever change, but doesn't want me to wait which I told him I wouldn't. He said he's never been in a long term relationship, and doesn't know how he handles them. Maybe he will always feel this way after such a long time together, he just doesn't know. He was always against marriage, and I wonder if he started feeling pressure from his friends and family about what he was doing with me; ie are you ever going to settle down and marry this girl. I never ever pressured him for marriage, and always told him that I was absolutely not ready for marriage anytime soon (the truth). I have other things in life I'm focused on, such as school and getting my career started. He is also a bit of a partier, he likes to go out alot and I felt like he would never grow out of that. He was always a little immature when it came to that kind of thing. I always wondered when he would get tired of sitting at a bar 4 nights a week drinking. I like to go out, but it does get lame after a while. Maybe that's where we started drifting.

 

Kinda went off on a tangent there....but about this potential meeting,I feel that we will be able to be around one another. Like I said, we've had conversations since the BU that have been funny/light-hearted/friendly. We've both been at ease talking to one another the few times we have. So I really have two questions:

1) Do you think meeting up is a good idea this soon? It will have been about a month and a half since BU. I also want to make sure that he really WANTS to do this, and isn't suggesting it out of guilt or something, but that is something I will just have to ask him once we make concrete plans.....

2) I've been reading ALOT on NC vs. contact. 95% of the advice I have been given has said do not contact him! But, deep down I don't feel like this is the right approach to our situation. I don't know. We've been casual over the phone calls and texts we've had, I feel like calling him to catch up wouldn't be the end of the world. But everyone is telling me not to do it, to make him contact me (which he's already done to some extent a few times at this point). Has anyone ever NOT followed the no contact rule and had some sort of success with their ex? In terms of getting back together or remaining friends? Thanks for any insight guys! I haven't read through this entire thread yet, but so far has opened my eyes quite a bit. I'm still having a hard time accepting that he can just fall out of love with me. I was TOO good for him, his friends and family always said to him that he will never ever find a girl even close to as good as I am. He saw a future with me, I'm sure of that. Uggh! How does this happen?

[Anonymous82]

I hate to echo the advice of most others, but I tend to agree that avoiding contact, at least for a while, is the best idea in a situation like yours. I don't think there's necessarily anything wrong with following through on your end-of-January meetup, but I would try to make this an opportunity to discuss the breakup with a bit of distance from it and work on getting closure.

 

As for not understanding why it didn't work for him, sometimes these "gut" feelings are very difficult to put into words, particularly when the breakup is still fresh and neither person has been able to gain the time and distance from the relationship to really evaluate what worked and what didn't for him or her. Maybe he'll have a better idea a couple months from now of what it was that caused him to feel the need to break up with you, or maybe he won't. Even if he does, it begs the question of whether it would benefit you or him to dig up old wounds and bring it up.

 

Sorry to hear about what you're going through with the breakup. You seem to have a great perspective on things already. Best wishes.

[wowor]

I think this thread is very valuable. Thank you, as others have posted, Anonymous82 for the progress of your personal journey.

 

I'm a dumpee from a 9 year relationship that ended 5 months ago in August. After gaining some perspective, I am realizing more and more how I was one of those people who may have emotionally manipulated my ex into desiring commitment when she, in fact, may have "checked out" of the relationship some time prior to the break. I sacrificed a lot for her, and I did - at some points in the relationship - use this as a defense mechanism when the issue of her doubts would come up. However, in the couple years prior to the breakup we had openly communicated and worked through these issues. In fact, just a month prior to her breaking things off she did tell me she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me.

 

I've come to realize that we both became very codependent people - me in particular - and she began to recognize the desire for personal growth outside of the relationship. I saw this as a knock against me, because she wanted to spend less and less time with me. However, we both openly communicated this and began to explore hobbies and interests outside of our relationship that were bettering it. Ultimately, she had made a decision almost a year prior to the break up to voluntarily enter into a temporary LDR to perhaps gain that independent feeling while also remaining with me. I now realize that she cared very much about me and it was her hope things wouldn't end how they have.

 

There are things I never did share with her based on the quickness of her actions that trouble me - I had purchased an engagement ring and planned a humungous getaway for us for my first trip to visit her. She had no idea and it was going to come as a huge surprise. However, she decided to break things off just a week and a half before my visit. My thinking was that someone who spends and shares so much of their life with another person does not deserve to know of the additional sacrifice and plans I made because up until that point everything was A-O-K. She even told me she loved me when I sent her care package from the post office the afternoon she broke up with me! I am still struggling with this and wonder if I cut off my nose to spite my face, or perhaps if it's even worth getting it off my chest.

 

Like you, she never really did have a clear reason for the break. What I have created for myself is that it was a combination of a lack of dating and sexual partners in addition to the severe codependence that had developed between us. Nonetheless, I'm taking charge of my own life and embracing singledom. Focusing on my career, pursuing interests and hobbies that are important to me, and living life how I want to. Meeting people in a casual manner, much like yourself, so things can be organic and interesting. I recognize that for my next relationship I want to be confident and solidified in my own identity, because I have traits of someone who gives a lot of their own identity up when a great partner comes along.

 

Deep down in the recesses of my heart, I hope that we end up back together. We shared so much. It seemed like we had finally gotten to a point where we were breaking through and comfortable of who the other person truly was. But the best thing for me to do is simply live and embrace who I am without someone. That is something which proves to be difficult for me.

[Anonymous82]

Great perspective. Thanks for sharing, and best wishes on your strides toward embracing independence!

[nth]

Very interesting thread. Joined the site to comment.

 

There has been a lot of speculation about the observation that the males in this thread have disproportionately been the dumpers inspired by a "gut feeling." These gut feelings often emerge late--these feelings were completely crowded out in the first year due to limerence, or they were suppressed.

 

I suspect this pattern results mostly from, on average, men not knowing themselves (with respect to relationships) as well as women do. And as a woman in my early 30s who recently ended a five-year relationship with a man who couldn't figure out if he wanted to commit or not, I find this a rather maddening tendency. I've had years of therapy and barely need it (arguably don't); my ex badly needed it to get over layers and layers of insecurity and commitment problems stemming from his childhood home. He probably won't be getting any before he dates again.

 

Here's the thing: "gut feeling" is often, not always, code for "something I don't understand and don't want to think about or confront." I *definitely* rely on gut feelings in deciding whom to date, and I've broken off relationships that "should have" been perfect but weren't because I just wasn't that into it. Maybe something about our MHC was wrong, or he subconsciously didn't remind me enough of whatever males I imprinted on at an early age. That kind of gut feeling is something I recognize early and accept.

 

But this should not take years. I simply do not understand how it takes years to recognize malodorous gut feelings unless you are suppressing or avoiding them. It's one thing to say you're still working out your core values and priorities and can't commit to someone until you understand what you want from your career, or perhaps your partner experiences a dramatic shift in her values that make you less attracted to her. That's not a gut feeling, though. That's an obvious incompatibility. I am also deeply skeptical of people complaining about a missing "spark." The sex spark will always attenuate after a year or so, and there are lots of evidence-based ways to help it evolve into something different but strong. The deeper, broader relationship "spark" requires that both people be able to grow together. If you can't grow together, you'll feel bored and trapped and stifled and all that. But this growth is a very deliberate choice that requires self-knowledge and introspection. How are you holding yourself back, and what do you need from your partner to take the next steps?

 

Small aside on this idea of needing to play the field: Please do not ascribe this desire to biology. I'm a professional biologist and like using biological explanations for things, but there's abundant evidence that this desire to have lots of casual relationships before settling down stems in large part from socialization. If you think you're missing out on something, and if you're sensitive to feeling like you're missing out on things or that missing out on popular stuff is really bad, you won't be able to settle down until you've experienced what you think you're supposed to experience or given up. The fact that many perform this ritual does not in any way validate the assumptions on which it is grounded. Our cultures perpetuate a lot of unhelpful myths.

[Anonymous82]

Here's the thing: "gut feeling" is often, not always, code for "something I don't understand..."

 

I was with you up until this point. When I've ended long-term relationships because of a "gut feeling," it was something I'd come to realize I needed to do because I could no longer see a future with the girl, but it was also a feeling I couldn't exactly understand or explain. However, for me, the reason I couldn't understand it was because I was too wrapped up in the relationship to have perspective. It certainly wasn't something I "didn't want to think about or confront." After gaining distance from my partner and allowing time to pass, I was able to achieve that perspective and define more concrete reasons as to why that relationship was no longer working for me.

 

Everyone's different, but in my own experience, the decisions I've made based on "gut feelings"--not spontaneously, mind you, but with a lot of contemplation and the acceptance that it was difficult to put into words--have turned out to be the right ones.

[nth]

....the reason I couldn't understand it was because I was too wrapped up in the relationship to have perspective. It certainly wasn't something I "didn't want to think about or confront." After gaining distance from my partner and allowing time to pass, I was able to achieve that perspective and define more concrete reasons as to why that relationship was no longer working for me.

 

This is very interesting, but logically, it's a non sequitur. You felt you needed to be out of the relationship to think--what was the relationship keeping you from thinking about while you were in it? If you didn't feel like you could gain perspective in the relationship, then it was clearly not an authentic experience for you, and some part of yourself was being suppressed. My point is that "gut feelings," being vague, are often a convenient excuse for not addressing conflicts in situ. I don't mean to pick on you at all Anon82--basically all of this, as you might guess, is inspired by my recent breakup--and I'm not trying to claim a theory of everything.

 

Almost by definition, it's often hard for us to identify what we don't want to confront until many years have passed or others can point out the evidence (that's if we're lucky to have observant friends and enough of a pattern materializes). Many of us internalize this kind of self-avoidance in childhood, but some self-deception is intrinsic to being human.

 

Everyone's different, but in my own experience, the decisions I've made based on "gut feelings"--not spontaneously, mind you, but with a lot of contemplation and the acceptance that it was difficult to put into words--have turned out to be the right ones.

 

True, but this is kind of tautologous... post-hoc validation is not really the right test. We all have a huge bias that favors the decisions we made and life as it actually played out. See work by Elliot Aronson and Daniel Gilbert. In other words, your gut feelings will tend to feel like the right ones.

 

What I'm proposing is that "gut feeling" not be treated as a sufficient explanation in itself, especially if the feelings involve a relationship that is remotely mature.

[Anonymous82]

Fair enough. I think maybe we're differing in our definitions of what a "gut feeling" entails. When I say I "went with my gut," that does not mean I had no idea of what was wrong with my relationship or whether it could be fixed; if you read some of my initial posts in this thread from five years ago, even when I was in the midst of the breakup and worried I might regret it, I clearly had ideas of what wasn't working for me.

 

I knew she tended to judge situations without putting herself in the other person's shoes; I knew we had different world/political views; I knew her religious/spiritual beliefs didn't align with mine; I knew we had different ideal lifestyles; etc. I couldn't exactly put all of this into words very effectively at the time, and it took several weeks of time and distance before I truly came to understand the individual incompatibility issues I had with her in these and other areas. But my "gut feeling" that I needed to end the relationship and that I couldn't see myself marrying her anymore was based on the awareness that there were issues that would prevent me from being happy spending the rest of my life with her, even if at the time I couldn't fully express what those issues were.

 

Thanks for sharing your thoughts, and sorry to hear about your recent breakup.

[AlBundy]

Thank you everyone for sharing their experiences and insights here, especially Anonymous. I've been debating whether or not to chime in with my current situation, but I do know that just writing it out can be healing and cathartic. I've been in a break up situation before; about 5 years ago, and I spent a good deal of time learning about the process. I know what I am experiencing now is normal, especially how the mind plays tricks on you to only look at the good of the ending relationship, causing you to desire to return to it despite you knowing intellectually and analytically that it is not right. In my first major break up, I was the dumpee and the ending came out of left field for me. This happened a few months after my dad passed away, so to say I was put in a bad place would be a grievous understatement. I went through the healing processes, got my **** together finally, and moved on slowly. I finished grad school and moved to a new region to start my postdoc, leading to my now current position. Which brings me to my current situation, which will be long, arduous, and possibly illogical.

I'll start at the beginning, providing as much details as necessary. This might seem rambling and nonsensical at times, but this will help me to write it all out. I'm not sure if I'm looking for advice, sympathy, support, or confirmation of my decision. To begin, after about a year of being in my new city, and after a couple 2-5 date experiences with a couple of girls, I met my new girl. When I met her, I was floored by how beautiful she was. She was everything I wanted physically in an ideal mate. To this day, I still find her just extremely attractive. Our first date was good, and I was impressed with her. To seal the deal for me, she shared the same national heritage as me, something that my immediate and extended family is very proud of. She didn't just share our heritage; she was FROM there and moved to the US when she was 11. I walked away thinking she could be "the one". I pursued her heavily and we went on numerous dates and after about 3-4 months of casual dating we had fallen for each other and knew we wanted to be together exclusively. The next 4-6 months were generally great; we went on small trips together and just enjoyed being together. The first crack of doubt, however, appeared when we went to her friend's wedding, where she was the maid-of-honor. At the reception after-party, she had been drinking (like everyone) and she slipped and knocked over a table of drinks. She then FLIPPED OUT at me, calling me all kinds of names and acting like it was my fault. When we got back to the room, she was still ridiculously upset, still calling me awful things, and I ended up sleeping on the floor. Come morning, she was hungover but no longer so upset. I remember thinking that this girl might be crazy, but I shrugged it off as being too drunk. I was probably ensconced with her and the relationship that I was letting unacceptable behavior slide without addressing it. There was another example of this at a football game later, when she was too drunk and got mad at me for not being able to find our seats. I walked ahead of her to get away from the angry barrage, but when I went back to find her she was not there. I scoured for a while searching for her. When I did find her, she again FLIPPED OUT in the concourse of the stadium. Again, I passed it of as being too drunk, but yet another seed of doubt about her was planted.

Fast forward to the end of our first year together, she brought up the idea of us moving in together. Prior to this, I lived in my own apartment in a great part of the city that I really loved. My friends and other important amenities were in walking distance. I was truly happy there. She lived on the 2nd floor of a multi-family house in the next town over, which is much less desirable than my location was. Her parents owned the house, and were moving from the first floor to a new house the next town over. So, realistically, she had never truly lived on her own. She lived in that apartment above her parents for six years after graduating college. She also worked in the same town; basically she never left her comfort zone. I contemplated her suggestion to move in with her, and I was hesitant. I loved my old apartment, specifically the location, and I knew I wouldn’t like the new location nearly as much. However, I really wanted my relationship with her to work out long term, and I convinced myself that moving in with her would be the best option to have that happen. So, despite my reservations, I made the move, at this point about 27 months ago. At that point is where things started to go noticeably downhill, however I was too ensconced to see it.

We started to bicker and fight about almost everything. I think it stemmed from a combination of her expecting me to treat the house like she did, that being the house she grew up in still owned by her parents and me seeing it as just another apartment. She also expected me to immediately change from being independent and living alone to sharing a house that wasn’t mine. It was a difficult adjustment for me, but over time I feel like I did become much more like she wanted me too. Even with that, she never seemed satisfied with me. I will admit that I can be selfish at times and egotistic, things that she more recently has no problem telling me. I started to resent her bit by bit for being so consistently unhappy with me about seemingly everything. She’d act like she was ok and past things, but then they’d all come back out during our next argument. During this first year, we still tried and spent time together. Sex was regular as were other relationship things like always eating together and just doing almost everything together. But over the last year, and especially the last few months, things just fell off the cliff.

About a year ago, I decided that I was going to start focusing my life in more positive directions. I knew the relationship was causing me stress and not providing me the satisfaction it should, however nothing I did seemed to help steer it in the direction I wanted. I said if I can’t fix her or us, I can fix myself. I decided to get in better physical condition, because care of your body is the linchpin to caring for your mind, and a healthy mind is the home of a healthy emotional state. So I started and completed P90X, doing it full bore, the nutrition plan and all. The results were fantastic; I looked good, I felt good, and I was much happier. I used this improvement to do other things I wanted. I finally found a softball team to join and played from last spring until the fall; usually 2 nights a week. I also planted and tended a garden for the first time last year. I was just in a much happier and active state as I felt like I finally discovered how much good exercise and healthy eating can bring to your life. I always wanted my gf to get on board the wellness train with me. I thought she’d see all the positive benefits this provided me and would want them herself. I thought that if she felt as good as I did, then we’d both be bringing healthy attitudes and positive energy to our relationship. None of that happened, however. She never got the motivation to do much of anything and acted generally miserable and unhappy. When started my garden, she planted flowers. They subsequently died because she stopped caring about them. I wanted her to help me with the garden; she never did. I invited her to softball games; she went twice out of 30+ games. I put myself in a much better physical, mental, and emotional state, yet she seemed to go in the opposite direction. I think this became a big deal for me.

At the end of this past year, things were still overall bad with us with some interspersion of good. I asked her to come with me to my home state for Christmas with my family. It took her forever to agree, but she did. I looked at it as a last hope for our relationship; if Christmas was good, then perhaps we did have a chance. The Christmas trip was fantastic; she was happy, caring, loving; everything I originally loved about her was back. I felt really good about our future after that trip. However, that was not the case. I spent an additional week home after she had to travel back for work. I got back on New Year’s Eve before she got home from work. I took a nap in the basement so I would not be a zombie that evening due to early travel. She got home from work and I expected she’d be excited to see me since I had been gone a week and based on how good our time together at home was. This didn’t happen. She didn’t even bother coming down to say hi. I came upstairs when I woke up and she greeted me in the same semi-interested way she did lately when I’d come home from work. That was a big blow to me because my hopes were high for the relationship. This was a huge seed of doubt for me.

Fast forward to Valentine’s Day. Despite the fact we’re again in a bad place and being very distant, I still had flowers sent to her work and got a few other things for her at home. She got me a few small things and it ended up being a nice night. The next day, the very next day, without any incident or provocation, she was back to being cold, distant, and disinterested in anything. I was very upset by this at it was yet another sign that things were not going to change. I had also started P90X2 after New Year’s to again get myself in a good place wellness wise. She again had no interest in doing it with me, or doing anything for that matter to change her unhappiness. After Valentine’s Day, and for a bit before, I started sleeping in the basement and spending most of my time there. She had become very unpleasant to be around. I tried my best to understand why and to figure out how to fix our relationship. We had had very many candid talks and heartfelt discussion about our relationship. After every impasse, we always decided we would try to make it work. Yet, every time, eventually we’d end up in the same pit of ambivalence and unhappiness. On Valentine’s Day, I decided to try one last thing; I bought the materials from Couples Therapy Exposed and presented them to her. I said if we are going to do this, we need to learn new skills. I absorbed everything in the material and consciously started making positive mental outlook changes in myself. I decided to become more understanding, more patient, and not allowing my temper to turn into rage any more. I truly applied these changes, yet she did not spend any time at all looking at the material. Yet another seed planted for leaving the relationship.

About two weeks ago, she suggested we go skiing. I said sure, but since I had never skied, I wanted to get a lesson first. The closest ski resort offered lessons, equipment, and a lift ticket for a good price. So I said let’s go at the 1:00 lesson, with us needing to be there by noon. I said just be ready by 10:30 the next morning so we can go. And of course, the next morning, she wasn’t ready until 11:30. I was upset because she is ALWAYS late, and I hate that. This time especially, I was upset because it told me she didn’t care enough about me to be ready on time. We ended up spending the rest of the day apart, and late in the day she told me she wanted me to move out…again. There had been many times in the past that she asked me to leave, but never followed through with her threats. We’d reach a resolution and move on, but the situation repeated itself over and over. This time though, after she asked me to leave, I looked at available apartments. I had done this every time she asked me to move out, yet I never pursued any of them. This time though, I found an apartment in my old neighborhood I lived in prior to moving in with her that would work with my situation. I contacted the guy, found out it was available, and visited it the next day. It was PERFECT. Everything I wanted in a place; good location, modern amenities, and more importantly, willing to work with my lease requirements, which I will explain shortly. After a few days of thinking about it, I signed the lease and am scheduled to move at the end of this month. Right now, after being proud of myself for actually doing it and putting in motion moving out, I’m going through extreme anguish about this decision. I’m second guessing myself left and right despite the fact that I KNOW it is the right call. It’s killing me.

I’ve had doubts about this relationship for a long time, and all the evidence says that splitting up is the right call. I haven’t been happy with the relationship in a long time, and neither has she. I read the ‘Too Bad To Stay, Too Good To Leave’ book, and roughly 75% of the criteria point to it being ‘Too Bad To Stay’. It is the right logical call, yet I still find myself second guessing, and it sucks. The things I struggle with now are:

• Remembering the good times. While I listed a huge list of bad things, it wasn’t 100% bad.

• Wondering if I’ll ever be with someone as physically attractive as her.

• Missing the nationality tie. That meant a lot to me during the relationship.

• Missing her family. They were really good to me and I enjoyed spending time with them.

• Fear of being alone, despite the fact the only time I was happy lately in the relationship was when I wasn’t around her.

• Having to delay settling down yet again. I do want to get married and have a family, but I want it to be with the right person. I want a future wife that will still care about me, not just future children.

• Personal guilt for the times I screwed up, wishing I would have done more to help make things work.

• Guilt for not being what she wanted. She wants to settle down and have a family soon too, but now she has to start over again.

• Anger at myself for knowing deep down it wasn’t right for a life time commitment, yet letting it go this long.

I’ll close with a list of reasons I think we have ended up being incompatible:

1. I’m an outgoing person and I like to be social. Not all of the time, but it is something I like to do. In my relationship with her, I started rarely seeing my friends, and I hated that. She’s a more introverted person, even with me. I need someone I can talk and joke with easily about anything. Since my job is quite solo, I need to get that social aspect from somewhere, and it wasn’t happening by being with her.

2. I love sports, playing and watching them, and she’s not even close to as passionate about them as I am. She’d watch games here and there with me, but did so seemingly as a favor to me.

3. I took initiative to make my life better by getting in shape, leading to a better outlook on my life. She went in the opposite direction and began drinking and smoking more.

4. She is an only child and is still treated as such by her mom. Tied to this, she has never lived on her own and hasn’t ever become truly independent whereas I have.

5. She handled her issues with me with angry, sometimes violent tempermental explosions. I reacted back in the same way until recently. I need someone with less of a temper.

6. I’ve become a more focused, active person. I’m more focused on my work now than I have been recently and I strive to be more active and involved. I’m bored with mostly passive activities and she doesn’t act like she wants to be more active, at least not on the level that I do.

7. In addition to the many other seeds of doubt I described, another big one is the fact that she did not support me during my job crisis. Last month, I came within 4 days of not having a job. I work as contractor for the Army, and the sequestration has put my job in jeopardy. I was renewed through September at least now, but until that came, I was seriously stressed out. She did not support me during this, in fact, she insisted she tell me how unhappy she was and asked me to move out while I was within a week of possibly not having a job!

8. She always thought I had ulterior motives in the relationship. She thought I lived with her just to save money on rent, which was never true. Yes, I did save rent money, but probably spent more money on the relationship than what I saved. She never understood that, ever.

9. She questioned almost everything I did as not being genuine. It got to the point where I felt guilty about doing almost everything, from seeing friends to even working out on my own. I had the ‘walking on eggshells’ feeling.

10. She got upset if I spent my own money on myself rather than spending it on things with her, like vacations. Yet, she never wanted to have a joint savings method, whether it be a savings account or even a piggy bank.

As you can see, there are many reasons that this was not right (and more that I didn’t list). So why the hell am I second guessing myself still? Stupid brain, why won’t you listen to yourself? I’m like Jerry Seinfeld in the episode where he battles between his penis and his brain.

If you read this far, I thank you. It felt good to write this and I hope others can offer encouragement, insight, or any other helpful comments.

[BlueKitten]

@ALbundy you should start your own thread and dont make the paragraphs so long/bunched. it is hard to read and thus give you advice on

[AlBundy]

I typed it in Word and the formatting looked fine there.

 

@ALbundy you should start your own thread and dont make the paragraphs so long/bunched. it is hard to read and thus give you advice on

[Anonymous82]

I don't see any problem with posting it here. This thread has gone on for more than five years, and many people have posted their own stories that they feel relate to the topic and received feedback from others. As to the formatting, it's just missing a line break between each paragraph. You could edit it and go through hitting enter between each paragraph to make it easier to read, but I didn't have too much trouble.

 

@AlBundy: Thanks for sharing your story. Quite simply, I think it's very clear you've done the right thing and have an impressive amount of self awareness. I understand how cathartic it can be to get your thoughts down in writing and to share them with others, so I hope doing so had such an effect and helped reiterate to you that you made the right decision. I suspect if you attempted to read your post as a neutral observer, it would be clear to you that ending your relationship made sense. I'm sure your ex had many great qualities, but you listed numerous incompatibilities and clearly made multiple attempts to work past them but were unable to do so (in part because she was unwilling to participate).

 

You essentially provided your own answers to your struggles, but regarding her attractiveness and your shared nationality, these are never reasons so stay in a relationship that isn't working. I can relate to the feeling of worrying during a breakup that you may never find a girlfriend as attractive as your current one, but (A) if you can't make it work with your current one, it's irrelevant, and (B) it's just your own insecurities telling you that and it's not true. I can attest, as I feared this when breaking up with one of my exes but found an even more attractive person in my current girlfriend.

 

As to your guilt over hurting her, you should focus on the fact that you are acting in her best interest by not continuing with the relationship. Some people in your shoes stick with it until they've found someone else; you're doing the noble thing by ending it when you realized it was not going to work.

 

This comment of yours really summed it up best: "Fear of being alone, despite the fact the only time I was happy lately in the relationship was when I wasn't around her." The fear of being alone can be scary, but you were not happy with her anymore. I believe you'll find that while it is very difficult or impossible to regain your happiness in a relationship you realize is not working, you can regain your happiness independently a lot quicker than you might think, particularly as someone like you who seems to have such a great grasp on everything.

 

Best wishes.

[cam116]

Anonymous82, just wanted to thank you so much for starting/keeping up with this amazing thread! I posted my BU story somewhere on here about 3 months ago when I was really hurting, and wanted to share my progress/musings. I've realized that I also had had doubts about my ex boyfriend and the relationship for MONTHS leading up to the BU (initiated by him). I was too scared to bring these concerns to him during the relationship. Looking back, we obviously had communication problems in this aspect because we were both feeling unsure about a future together and never expressed those feelings! There were times during the relationship where I looked at him and questioned whether or not I really saw myself starting a family with him. It was really distressing for me, but I kept suppressing those feelings and kept trying to convince myself that they would subside. I knew I was just "settling". There was even a point about 2 weeks before the BU where we had gotten into a fight. During this fight, and through the tears, I kept WANTING to break it off right then and there. I WANTED to tell him that I wasn't sure whether or not I was happy. But, again, I held back and tried to fight through and salvage the relationship. 2 weeks later he broke it off, citing the exact reasons you listed in the OP.

 

It took a while for me to sort through everything, I was shocked at the loss, but I'm almost 100% over it. I've already started dating, and have honestly been having the time of my life over these past few months. I feel more confident in myself than I have in years. We remain friends, we don't want to lose our friendship, and we both acknowledge that we still love one another, but just are not compatible, and least not right now. The only thing I'm still experiencing that's throwing me off constantly is this nagging gut feeling that we'll end up back together in the future. It's not a "hopeful" feeling, just a weird feeling deep down that won't go away. It's not hindering my healing, but I can't figure out why it won't go away. I wonder if anyone has ever had a similar gut feeling experience.

 

Anyway, I saw this thread pop back up, read over a couple of posts and just remembered how much it had helped me gain perspective to my own situation. So thanks again for keeping up with it!

[Anonymous82]

You're welcome! Glad it helped you!

 

Wonderful to hear you're doing so well. I'd caution you that it can be tough to maintain a friendship with an ex, particularly when the breakup is still pretty recent. I wonder if what you're experiencing as a "gut" feeling you'll end up back with him is being caused by positive memories of the relationship that are brought back when you see him. There's not necessarily anything wrong with that, but I would be careful spending a lot of platonic time with someone who was recently a romantic partner. I do think an ended relationship can turn into a meaningful friendship, but it requires treading carefully and often allowing for a period of no contact to assure both people have moved on from the romantic aspect of it.

 

Thanks for posting!

[cam116]

We haven't gotten to the point of friendship where we're spending time together. We were in LC for a while, and after a very lighthearted/fun hour long phone conversation 2 weeks ago, we agreed that we should take some time of NC before we try to explore hanging out together, maybe a month or so. He said he would call after a period of time and we would go out for drinks/coffee to catch up. We did meet up for dinner and drinks about a month and a half after BU, and it went extremely well! We both had a great time, he even told all of his friends how much fun he had. But we both realize it's still a little raw to be hanging out just yet. And I definitely think that's true because even though I've completely accepted the BU, it would probably still sting at this point if I saw him out with a new girl, even though he doesn't have one ATM. But hopefully in a few months we'll be at that point. It's still hard not being able to talk to him, but I understand it's necessary to step back from one another. Before this point, we hadn't gone more than a week without some kind of contact. But maybe you're right about that nagging feeling. Our phone conversations and meetup have been so fun, it just reminds me how well we get along underneath it all. Which, again, is why we don't want to lose the friendship. I think I've been fortunate in this BU in the sense that I was feeling basically the same things he was, but just wouldn't face them, so although I've had my rough days, I've overall been healing and handling this BU a little TOO well. In a way, even though it wasn't technically a mutual BU, it sorta was.

[Anonymous82]

Ah OK, that makes sense. Sounds like you have great perspective. Just be careful... Feelings can sneak up on you sometimes.

[Dudedudedude]

First off i want to say thank you for keeping this alive cuz id be lost without it. And i hope you check asap to update.

 

Im just like everyone else one here, i dated her for two years. Im 20 and shes 19. And my story is almost like all the others with feelings about how shes amazing. But a couple months ago we really havnt had sex and that she started to talk about the future.

 

In my head i was thinkin *** is goin? The last thing on mind was the future and i couldnt picture her in it. Maybe cuz im young, it may be a different situation but i still feel like im effing up. Should i give it more time.

 

I wanted to save alot of time typing cuz my story is nearly the same as everyones and i cant read all these threads. But please help, i am lost and havnt broken up yet.

 

Youve said let time take care of it, should i stay in the relationship and let time take care of it?

 

Thnx alot tho man for keeping this alive!

[Anonymous82]

Is your concern about breaking up with her a fear of losing a future with her or a fear of hurting her? If it's the latter, you'll hurt her less by being honest and not letting a relationship continue that you feel is destined to fail.

 

In your gut, if you stay with her, can you envision it working out long term? If the answer is yes, I'd try to make it work; if it's no, it might be time to end it.

 

Good luck.

[Dudedudedude]

i have a fear of losing a future and fear of hurting her and whats going to happen to her after its over.

 

But like i said, people say im young cuz i am 20 and it is pretty young to think of anything close to marriage.

 

But what sucks is that i sometimes can envision a future and sometimes i cant. (maybe cuz i dont want to think of the future)

 

Ive talked my friends and they say i should let time take care of it but it wouldnt be fare to her. And i have only been thinkin this for a little bit, definitely not more than a month.

 

I also have alot going on with school, training, and work, and that could also have effect on my thoughts. We did have a fight and that led me to start thinking like how i am and when i went home that day i could only imagine how i could explore life without her.

 

So all of what i do on my own plus that fight, and maybe not enough time to think about can be effecting me.

 

btw hopefully eveything is goin well in your love life, and sorry if something bad has happen cuz i havent read all the threads cuz there is alot.

 

Sorry if im confusing you as i myself is confused. Please respond. A thank you for responding so fast and keeping this alive.

[Anonymous82]

My love life's doing well, thanks.

 

Do you and your girlfriend communicate with each other about the future? Have you tried talking to her about your concerns?

 

It's OK to be confused. It sounds to me like you need some time to figure out how you truly feel. If you can find a way to express this to your partner, maybe the two of you can search for clarity together. If not, perhaps you may need to take some time to yourself to figure out what isn't working for you.

 

Best wishes.

[Bleachcake]

Hello all,

 

i hope i'm not stealing the topic but since being desperate to find an advice i stumbled upon this one.

i don't know where to start from but things are as follows been in a relationship for 9 years until 5 months when we broke.I initiated it and now i feel pretty bad,doubting

my decision.

 

We met in the university and i felt she was the most amazing thing that could happen to me.We spend a lot of years together,been through some very rough times but we endured.

At some point we separated because i had a crush with another girl but it didn't work out and i came back to her.Now after the last(final) break i've been pretty busy with my work(i make visual effects for movies and i travel a lot),but since i'm back for almost a week now i can't stop thinking that i made a bad decision.

I wanted to split because i felt we were more like a flatmates than a couple and i didn't feel attracted to her anymore.I didn't like her sister and her husband(the live like 5 min. away from where we lived),although they've never had anything against me.I wanted to feel love again but the truth is that i never even tried after we broke.

Now she lives with another man because she can't be alone.He is 10 years older than her but she just like to take care of someone.I'm so depressed these days that i can't think straight.

also she is 33 now and she wants to have a child soon.i wasn't sure i want but now i regret that we didn't have any eventhough we are not together anymore.

I started to think that she is the one for me,even that we weren't that attracted to each other at the end of our relationship.We had this thing where you can talk about anything and feel comfortable about it.

 

I just don't know what to do.I don't know if i feel that way because i am lonely or because i still love her.We stay in touch,she sees that i'm in a bad shape and tries to help me with whatever she can.

Tomorrow i'm going to see a doctor because i can't eat lately and i feel very depressed.

My biggest problem is if we get together again i don't want to break her heart again.This would be too much.

 

She feels that she can talk about some things only with me and i feel the same.My biggest problem is that i seem to not like her visually anymore and i am affraid this might be an issue in the future.

Also if we get together she wants a child and this is also something that i'm afraid of.

 

you might think that i am a looney and you are probably right.The thing is i can't decide anything and it tortures me every minute.

 

Thank you all who took the time to read my post.I apologize if i annoyed you or wasted your time.

 

I hope i get out of this black hole and realize what is the best for both of us.

 

bests and take care