Was breaking up with her a huge mistake?

[usuario]

thanks Anonymous82. You are right. I think this whole marriage thing was quite a shock. Especially as it was the first thing I heard about her in a long time. I guess it also sort of therapeutic to vent my story on this forum and share it.

 

I am feeling much better now. Interest for other women hasn't left me anyway.

[Anonymous82]

Glad to hear you're feeling better and finding yourself interested in other women.

[Anonymous77]

Having returned to this thread, just for a look and a reminder, I am still amazed that it is still going.

 

To those who may be doubting their decision or have recently been broken up with, I'd like to share my experience with you. I'm 26. When I look back now at my relationship history, I see things very differently. What sparked this 'thought' was post #236 in this thread. I read it a few years ago when I first posted in this thread after finding myself in a situation very similar to the OP - my ex and I were just about to move in together at that time so it was a very hard break-up to come to terms with. I was convinced at the time when I first starting contributing posts to this thread that you either "felt it" or you didn't. And that you will "just know" when you meet the right person. But I'd like to say that my view on this has changed slightly. I don't think that one can keep waiting for this 'feeling' - in the last 3 years or so, my conception of love has begun to change and I no longer see it as just a 'feeling'.

 

If you'd like to look at this from a different point of view, one should read The Road Less Travelled by M.Scott Peck. He makes a compelling against seeing love as just a feeling - in fact he argues that love is something that you choose to do.

 

Of course, the immediate question is "well, are you saying that I can choose to love anyone and make it work?". Not exactly. There's a host of other factors, such as friendship, compatibility, and attraction. But if you are one of these people who believes that when the honeymoon period is over (What Peck calls 'Romantic Love' or Dorothy Tennov calls 'Limerence') that you have 'fallen out of love' and that this signals the end of your relationship I'd implore that you reconsider your idea of love. Peck argues that falling out of love is completely natural and will happen in all relationships - the honeymoon will end! And after this, he says, is when the real work of love begins and when real love, deep love between two people can really flourish.

 

I'm not saying that realigning the concept of love will save every relationship, stop all break-ups and prevent divorce. Not at all. But, what it would do is save some. I don't know how many people I've talked to about their break-ups and the reason given is "I fell out of love". Then they pick up with someone else, eventually break-up with that person (or rebound) and say that, in hindsight, what I had in my first relationship actually wasn't bad at all.

 

Look at couples who got together before the late 1990's or even better ask your grandmother and/or grandfather. And they'll tell you that love takes unwavering commitment. Fast-forward to today where we're bombarded with consumer culture: you can have what you want; if it's broke, get rid of it a buy a new one - why not get an upgrade?. Social networks haven't helped either - you can scour pages looking at potential mates - predicating your assumptions on pictures, I might add. Then people compare these potential mates to their own partner, focusing on what their partner doesn't have.

 

Movies and books bombard us with these notions such as 'soulmate', 'the one', 'true love', 'love at first sight', 'happily ever after' - I believe these ideas poison what love is.

 

Pornography is one of the worst things as well, creating completely unreal expectations of women (mainly) and sex and killing people's desire for their partners.

 

I think it would do all of us a great service if we even questioned our concept of love and our expectations of partners and relationships.

 

............................................................................................................................................................................................

 

On Friday night I was asked "so how many of the girls you have ever been involved with have you actually loved" and my answer was similar to what I said above: I think it depends on your conception of 'love' and has it grown or changed throughout your life time?

 

For example, here's a list:

 

(1) 14 Years old - infatuated with the girl next door. Kissed her. Asked her out. Rejection. It hurt.

 

(2) 17 Years old - infatuated (beyond words, beyond comprehension and beyond explanation) with a girl in school - whom I always continued to be intensely attracted to - became friends and she eventually rejected me. That hurt a lot.

 

(3) 18 Years old - really really liked a girl I met after I started college. Got to know her, became very close friends. We became an item for a short time. Rejection. Hurt a bit.

 

(4) 19 Years old - started to fall for a very close friend (whom I was never attracted to) and became very close. Her feelings were reciprocated. Shortly after - dumped for ex-boyfriend.

 

(5) 19 Years old - Met another girl in college, attractive and intelligent and we got on great. She asked me out. Dated briefly before she dumped me. Hurt a teeny bit.

 

(6) 20 Years old - strangely, just fell into a relationship with a nice girl I met at the gym one day. (The girl I first came to this thread about and questioned the break-up). Wasn't really attracted to her but she was just nice and genuine. Ended up having an extremely serious and intense relationship for about 3 and half years. I broke up with her because I ''fell out of love'' and we grew apart. It took me nine months to recover from the heartbreak and realise it was what's known as GIGS and this caused me to end it. But on reflection, 6 years after the relationship started and 3 years since it ended, I was never attracted to her like I was to other women, and we lacked a connection on some level.

 

(7) 25 Years old - Faith is not without a sense of irony. Girl number (2) [above!!] and I hit it off in a bar one night and after 4 months of dating decided to enter a relationship. The first 6 months were intense and I have never felt such a strong physical and intimate connection with anyone as I did with her. About 4 weeks ago, after a very intense year in work, and a bout of depression, anxiety and over-analysis on my behalf - I broke up with her: why? I actually don't know yet. I was feeling like the relationship was going nowhere. But when I take an honest look at myself, I put no effort into the latter half of the relationship (I was working very very long days) so I ask rightly - "How was it ever going to go any where if I didn't give it the time?

 

And here I am.

 

So, which one's have I loved? In a way, all of them. But in very different ways. Girl [6] was a love that was intensely compassionate and caring (perhaps too much for my age and maturity at the time) but it lacked the consistent physical intimacy and attraction. Girl [7] was a love that was a very deep in romantic, physical and intimate involvement but I didn't open up enough in other areas and allow love to flourish. That's what 12 years and 7 girls has taught me.

 

Love is effort. Love is self-sacrifice. Love is the desire to understand your partner. Love is the willingness to be vulnerable in yourself.

 

Love is as love does.

 

Love is a choice.

[Anonymous82]

Of course, the immediate question is "well, are you saying that I can choose to love anyone and make it work?". Not exactly. There's a host of other factors, such as friendship, compatibility, and attraction. But if you are one of these people who believes that when the honeymoon period is over (What Peck calls 'Romantic Love' or Dorothy Tennov calls 'Limerence') that you have 'fallen out of love' and that this signals the end of your relationship I'd implore that you reconsider your idea of love. Peck argues that falling out of love is completely natural and will happen in all relationships - the honeymoon will end! And after this, he says, is when the real work of love begins and when real love, deep love between two people can really flourish.

 

Great post and terrific insights.

 

In my experience, the "honeymoon period" to which you refer tends to last months, not years. I don't believe most of the relationship struggles being discussed in this thread, mine included, were simply due to that period having passed. Based on the length and intensity of most of the relationships, in many cases I think that phase had already long since passed and the struggles were with a failure to connect with that particular person on a more long-term, life-long level.

 

That's not to say your advice isn't relevant, because it definitely is to a lot of people and in a lot of relationships. I just think it applies more to newer relationships when that "honeymoon period" bubble is bursting, rather than to relationships that have already progressed over the course of years and have led to one or both people questioning the connection and their future.

 

But you're absolutely right the abstract, unrealistic concepts like "soul mate" and "true love" create unrealistic expectations, and that true commitment takes both a ton of compatibility and a ton of work.

[Anon931022]

I am in the same situation as your original post! I connected with is so much I had to register and post.

 

I loved my SO, but I feel like we fell out out love, but I cared so very deeply for her, more than a best friend, but it just didn't feel like she was 'the one' (or I did before I broke up - It's hard to remember that when I miss her so much, my mind is playing cruel tricks on me), but she loved me in a way that in the end I didn't reciprocate and subsequently I broke up with her. It's hard as she has been with me 200% with a terrible stomach condition (suspected crohns, but not diagnosed yet), and even through depression, anger issues, anxiety (to the point we couldn't even go on walks anymore) she stayed with me. I feel like I have abandoned her over small problems and pet peeves.

 

It was doubly hard as (When not distraught) I am a bit of a joker, and she thought I was joking, and her face when she came to makes me heave (in addition to my actual medical condition!)

 

The breaker shouldn't feel THIS much anguish, should he?

 

There was one difference between the OP and myself (and his story was almost identical bar this), I lived with my SO for a great deal of our relationship. We shared many things, money, clothes, university books and several online accounts (amazon, netflix)

 

I read most of this thread and my resolve firmed, thinking that I had done the right thing. 'It's not right to continue a relationship when one person doesn't feel the same way' rings true for most of this thread.

 

But I got into bed and just the smallest scent of her perfume came off a pillow and I was distraught. I haven't been able to eat all day(thanks stomach!) or drown any sorrows (or to pass the time, again, round of applause to mystery illness). I feel so guilty and lonely when I think of her, but I also feel like a horrible, horrible person when I try and distract myself from thinking about it, as if by not paying mind to it I am devaluing the gravity of my decision. If anyone can help there, please.

 

Everything I am doing today reminds me of her. I walked into the laundry room and just expected her to shout "Don't just dump your dryer stuff in a bag, fold it you weirdo!", and when she didn't, I admit, I cried. The same goes for just about everything. I am sat here writing this because I logged on to our netflix account to take it off my xbox (in replacement for my families account) and I have the urge to watch programs I completely resent, yet my SO loved (like 90210 and the ilk), I don't want to take it off. When I eventually changed it to my families netflix and tried to take my mind off this nasty business by watching Family Guy (my go to 'feeling crap' show), I wanted her to say "Family Guy? You've seen this a million times!". Little things like this are killing me. I have spent 80% of this day crying.

 

I got into bed and looked over expecting to see her with a huge jumper of mine on (when it's like 20 degrees Celsius at night!), I just cry. Little things like closing my eyes and not having her tug me over to her so she can scratch my head (a weird habit, but one I equally weirdly enjoyed).

 

This is all on the first day. I don't know if I can do this for weeks.

 

Almost everyone says it gets better, and I should really be no different, but I can't shake this sick feeling right at the pit of my stomach that this was a terrible mistake.

 

I am so very close to calling her and saying I made a mistake. But I don't know how the issues I had seen have suddenly become so hard to remember.

[Anonymous82]

Here's the key:

 

This is all on the first day. I don't know if I can do this for weeks.

 

It's only been one day. Your struggles are totally common and normal for someone who's going through his first day alone after ending a very serious relationship. You are feeling very lonely and vulnerable right now, and you are not in a logical state to assess your just-ended relationship.

 

Give it time. Whether you made a mistake or not, you will feel better in a week, and better still in a month. As time passes, you'll gain insights into why you broke up with your ex. Perhaps these insights will make you feel certain you did the right thing, or perhaps they'll make you wonder whether you might be able to move beyond your issues and make the relationship work.

 

But one day into dealing with the difficult pain that goes along with a breakup is not the time to be making big decisions. You broke up with her for a reason, even if you don't fully understand what that reason is yet; have enough faith in yourself to stick with it until you're thinking more clearly. She's not going to move on in a day either, by the way.

 

Sorry for what you're going through.

[Ljayne]

Anonymous82, I am thrilled that you still read and respond to this board. You've become quite a mentor!

 

I got goosebumps when I read your original post: it is almost exactly what is going on with my boyfriend and I, only I am the dumpee. There are a few differences though:

 

1.) We were only going out 9 (seemingly wonderful) months when he dropped the bomb on me

 

2.) Our core values are aligned which makes recognizing why he has this feeling all the more difficult.

 

We are both 24, and this is the first serious relationship for both of us. We both love each other, and the intense physical attraction is still there, and I know he's hurting right now. We are on a month-long break with no contact to reflect, and it's been 3 weeks. What I want to know is, how does one feel/know the difference between what is the 'end of the honeymoon phase' and what is a sign that a relationship is not meant to be?

[Anonymous82]

In my experience, there are a lot of reasons that can contribute to that "feeling" that the relationship isn't going to work. It was those core values for me in the relationship about which I started this thread. But in my next relationship after that, it didn't work out despite the fact that we did share those core values.

 

I think your question is one that has a different answer for everyone. You'd hope your ex wouldn't have ended the relationship if he hadn't been convinced it wasn't going to work out. But timing and experience are crucial too... Maybe he is indeed struggling with the end of that "Honeymoon phase" but doesn't yet have the relationship experience to understand it.

 

Hopefully, time will tell. I think it's important though to hope for the best but be prepared for the possibility that at the end of this month, he may decide to stick with the breakup.

 

Best wishes, and thank you very much for the kind words!

[Anon931022]

Well, I saw her today when she came to pick the last of her things and she told be how bad she'd felt over the last week. I had a moments weakness and wanted to make her happy again. I bowed to her asking if we could work things out. But Only hours later, I realised that getting together doesn't fix anything, and although she may have seemed happy, I was not, which will come to haunt me and her in the future. I said we should go our separate ways... Again.

 

She was devastated, and I felt worse for leading her on. This felt more final than the last time and although I think I have made the right choice, I can't help but feel sad for how she is feeling and what I have done. I've said we should 'cool off' for a couple of weeks before we speak to each other, to try and help both of us get a grip on our thoughts.

 

It is unnerving when you realise how your mind can play tricks on you when you are upset and emotionally charged.

[bluebell29]

I just read through this entire thread - such good insights! I think this thread is unique because you seldom hear something straight from a guy's heart like this. Most of us women never know that these are the kind of thoughts that go through a guy's mind. Men and women really are from different planets! While women are constantly refining the expression of their feelings, guys often don't much talk about them and often don't even acknowledge them.

 

I think what some guys have described as a 'gut feeling' may not really be that vague. I think it's more that guys are not as easily able to analyse their feelings and ascribe causes (no offense/sexism intended!!!). Us women are used to doing this from a very young age but guys are usually conditioned to ignore their emotions most of the time. So underlying the gut feelings are real reasons that are the root cause of the incompatibility.

 

In my view though, it's not even always clear who the real dumper is. It could be the woman subconsciously reacting negatively to something about the relationship she doesn't like. The guy then starts to subconsciously pick up on it and may be the one that pulls the plug eventually. So for all the women looking for answers as to why 'he felt something was missing', I would suggest looking for answers from yourself whether you really were your happiest self in the relationship. Just some food for thought...

[Anonymous82]

I think what some guys have described as a 'gut feeling' may not really be that vague. I think it's more that guys are not as easily able to analyse their feelings and ascribe causes.

 

I think there's a lot of accuracy to this. Women have these feelings too, but maybe tend to be more likely to understand and explain the reasons behind them.

 

Very interesting observations. I don't entirely agree that there's such a gap between genders in the ability to process feelings in general, and it varies a lot from person to person regardless of gender (i.e. in my current relationship, I tend to be more expressive of my emotions than is my partner), but I do think women probably tend to develop such an ability earlier in their lives than do men on average.

 

I have "gut feelings" now similarly as I did when I was younger... but the older I get and the more experience I gain, the more easily I understand what is causing them and am able to explain to myself and others the underlying thoughts and emotions behind those feelings.

 

Thanks for posting!

[maccerz]

This made me weep uncontrollably haha

 

I'm a girl and I went through the similar feelings as the OP and as you about my ex. I WISH i had seen this thread back when I was going through it because I think it would have made me feel a little better about the whole situation.

 

We were going out for 3 years and my god did I love him. He was my be all and end all for the first 2 and a half years of our relationship. At the 2.5 mark he had to move away for a few months for work, although we were both incredibly upset about the idea of not being around eachother all the time we sucked it up and got on with things. I went over to visit him about a month after he moved and things were great, i was so incredibly sad coming home. After that there was maybe a 2 month gap where we didnt get to see one another, and when I went back over to visit him again something in me had changed. I didnt actually realise this until I was face to face with him, and it hit me like a train. It was the most heartbreaking feeling in the world, worse than him doing anything to me because i was doing this to MYSELF! I fell into a deep depression, I couldn't handle or explain what was going on with me. I tried my best to keep the relationship going, hoping these feelings were just temporary and I'd start seeing him in the same light I did before but it just wasn't happening. I couldn't have sex with him, I just didnt have that sexual attraction to him anymore and I could see how much it was destroying him. I loved him so so much, but just no longer in the way I had before. The idea of hurting him was more than I could bare, I genuinely felt like it was better to stay with him and not be happy than ever break up with him and break his heart. In the end he started falling out of love with me too, I was no longer the same girl he had fallen in love with and who he had spent those first 2.5 amazing years with. I think he also started feeling the same way you guys have described and the break up ended up being mutual. I'm not sure if it was incredibly cowardly of me not to do it sooner, but I just couldnt. And I think (for us) it was better that he also started feeling unsure about everything. It's been about 8 months now, I'm in a much much better place but I still miss him terribly. He was my very best friend and the only person I've ever felt that deeply connected to. We totally cut contact because we both agreed hearing stories about the other one with new people was more than either of us could take, and i think no contact helped me move on immensely. I still have fleeting thoughts of 'will i ever meet anyone like him again' but I have to believe that there's another human being on this planet for me.. and i have to remind myself of how deeply unhappy i was for the last few months of our relationship. He was a fantastic guy and he was so good for me.. but sometimes the best relationships arnt the ones that last the longest, there the ones that u learn from, that u gain confidence and assertion from, and know to let go of when their time has come to an end.

[lady00]

Falling out of love is an interesting concept to me. It is kind of scary to me that that could happen without explanation. I have never been in a situation where my feelings changed without any change in the other person's behavior toward me but I have also never been in a relationship longer than my current one (almost a year) so maybe that's why it's difficult for me to understand how that can happen. Do all relationships eventually reach the point where feelings just change and the relationship becomes doomed? Does it matter what people's expectations/experiences have been in previous relationships?

[Anonymous82]

...sometimes the best relationships arnt the ones that last the longest, there the ones that u learn from, that u gain confidence and assertion from, and know to let go of when their time has come to an end.

 

Very well put. Thanks for sharing!

 

Do all relationships eventually reach the point where feelings just change and the relationship becomes doomed? Does it matter what people's expectations/experiences have been in previous relationships?

 

I certainly don't think all relationships are eventually doomed... I look at my parents and so many happy couples I know who have been together for decades and are still just as in love with each other as they were in their first year.

 

I think part of what happens is that as the relationship goes on and gets closer to a potential lifetime commitment, issues arise that may not be of concern in a shorter-term relationship but start to matter when you're considering spending the rest of your life with someone. It's not that the people change, or that the feelings just suddenly change out of the blue, but that the standard for compatibility gets greater (which may then cause the feelings to change).

 

I definitely think relationship experience is extremely helpful in understanding yourself and your feelings within the context of a relationship, but I also don't believe it to be necessary. I know people who fell in love with their first serious partner and went on to marry that person and live happily ever after.

 

We can glean advice and wisdom from others' experiences, but every person and every relationship are unique.

[miss]

I was recently dumped by the guy I loved the most. The reasons why he did it are still quite unclear.To give a little background, we were together for four years, and I really think we came very close to what could be called a really good relationship (or maybe i am ignorant about better ones existing). This being said, the first two years were so amazing, we had the perfect chemistry and spent every possible available moment together.

 

Now after two years he had to shift to another country for a new job assignment and I totally geared up for long distance for the next one or two years. We both sailed through the long distance thing fairly well, but i felt very disconnected sometimes, i also felt that he could put in a little more effort than what he was to stay in touch. He came to visit me after six months, and something very similar to what maccerz said happened to me, when i went to the airport to pick him up..i just wasnt feeling enthusiastic, i felt like i had to go out of my way to change my schedule to go pick him up..these feelings of mine were very very scary for myself to face, i coudlnt understand why i was so disinterested, when he arrived and i saw him..i somehow had to fake it to look like i am soo happy..but i guess i was very bad at it..he could totally sense that something had totally changed. I was so worried by what i was feeling, i told myself that this is fleeting and it would go away. He went back to work within a week..and thats when i decided to think about what is happning. This is when i felt that love is not about only chemistry or a constant sexual attraction, i tihnk it is also a lot of commitment. Sexual urges or chemistry..and whatever else that makes us "feel" in love..those things depend a lot on circumstances. I decided that love also means sticking through the most boring, mundane or even irritating phases of life. I think all these posts made too big a deal about the sudden loss of that feeling and i think it is good enough that one finds a partner who is sane and nice to talk to and is understanding, and breaking up just because that spark is gone, is not a good enough reason.

 

Back to my story, eventually when he came back and we were in the same city togehter after one year of long distance, I tried my level best to make it work no matter how disconnected i felt. I coudnt put my finger on what was wrong at all! But i think, this is out intution telling us that somehting is wrong, I communicated my feelings to him, he wasnt happy..but i never felt like i want to leave him, because i truly believed that togehter we can work it out somehow. We gradually DID become better, atleast i could feel myself falling in love all over again, i was happy. I introduced him to my parents and we were going to get engaged this november. A month ago, he had to move to the states for another job, and this time i wasnt as scared about the long distance, firstly because this was not the first time, and secondly because i knew we would probably be married in some months. Now this is when the most crazy thing happened, we were in opposite time zones, and i started to feel like he is not at all wanting to put any effort, we fought for a bit..nothing major..and finally he said he is DONE! and that he wants to break up because he feels out of love (quoted the same things i had told him earlier), told me that the way i felt disconnected made him grow out of love for me and he understood what i meant back then. This is when i begged him to stay because i was trying to tell him how the reason of "falling out of love" is not good enough and that a couple can mostly work it out with enough efforts. But he cut me off completely, as if the four years meant nothing to him.

 

Now my point is, i actually think he should have tired to work it out, because I know first hand that it is workable. It is workable only when both parties want to be together, not when one is trying to exit somehow, and when there is a will to stay then a way certainly exists. The case with most of the people here in this thread was the lack of will to stay together because of the discomfort of the lack of chemistry, so basically you chose not be with the person when the relationship was going through a tough phase.

 

I believe that love really means being together in highs and lows ( i am not saying you should stick to someone even if they are abusive etc) , but not being together for a reason that is not even tangible is not ok accodring to me. This thought process of mine might be coming from the fact that i am indian , and we sort of tolerate a lot to remain in a marriage and build a family.

 

Now, i am also not saying i know all about love. For all I know, this happened for the best and I might actually find a love wherein i dont "suddenly fall out of love for no reason" , but i know that in my next relationship, even if i feel disconnected for months togethr, i will stick it out, because that is what commitment is about, if we keep looking for a better person , the process is never ending. All my friends always told me that i am too good for my ex..but that doesnt make sense to me, because giving into such temptation and hurting someone who loves you a lot is seriously accumulating a lot of bad karma.

[maccerz]

I'm very sorry this has happened to you and you must be going through an incredibly tough time right now so I can understand your anger and hurt. I just need to speak up for myself here and say I tried damn hard after everything happened with us, I stuck it out for another 5 months, really trying and praying that I'd start feeling/falling in love again. In the end he started falling out of love because it just wasnt the same as what it had been before. Yes we definitely all need to try in these situations but at the end of the day if it's not working then it's not working and i don't think anyone should have to stay in a relationship if they're not happy in it. I can only speak for myself here but im 25, i dont wanna be in a relationship that i really have to TRY to be in love in, I think at my age if you're not feeling it then move on.. it's different when marriage and kids are involved of course!

[eskimobobseal]

I have had this exact same experience recently. Broke up with a very good girl in April 2014, since then have had doubts almost every day about whether it was the right decision. To be honest, I miss her very much - but she no contacted me and is seeing someone new now, so its over. 100%.

 

I think the only thing people in our position can do is look at it as a decision that was made, and make the most out of the outcome. If OP had stayed with his girl, or if I would have stayed with mine, it was probably going to end anyway. You can't just "turn off" feelings of the other person just not being right for you. Sometimes, it takes a break up like this to realize what you're REALLY looking for. Its tough, I feel like if I could get in touch with my ex and just go back to how things were, I'd do it in a heartbeat. But I've realized that a decision was made four months ago that I need to live with now, and move on as best as I can. I'm on dating sites and trying to meet new girls, its a very hard transition, but I think the only choice you have is to TRUST that you've made the right decision in the long run and its going to work out eventually.

[Anonymous82]

Now my point is, i actually think he should have tired to work it out, because I know first hand that it is workable. It is workable only when both parties want to be together, not when one is trying to exit somehow, and when there is a will to stay then a way certainly exists. The case with most of the people here in this thread was the lack of will to stay together because of the discomfort of the lack of chemistry, so basically you chose not be with the person when the relationship was going through a tough phase.

 

There's a difference in my opinion between "going through a tough phase" and coming to a realization that your relationship is not working for you anymore. Absolutely, you should not give up on your relationship the moment things get tough, and if your partner did so, that's a real shame.

 

We all come from different backgrounds and cultures that shape our views on relationships. It's very admirable that you were so dedicated to making your relationship work even when you weren't "feeling it," and that you were able to turn things around and fall back in love. Depending on the person and the situation, that may not always be possible though.

 

Sorry for what you've had to go through.

 

Yes we definitely all need to try in these situations but at the end of the day if it's not working then it's not working and i don't think anyone should have to stay in a relationship if they're not happy in it.

 

Agreed. If you think your lack of happiness in a relationship is something that can be resolved by communicating with your partner and working past it, obviously that's another story. But if it feels like a permanent change in feeling toward the relationship and you don't expect it ever to change, it's certainly fair -- to both you and your partner -- to consider ending it.

 

I think the only thing people in our position can do is look at it as a decision that was made, and make the most out of the outcome. If OP had stayed with his girl, or if I would have stayed with mine, it was probably going to end anyway. You can't just "turn off" feelings of the other person just not being right for you. Sometimes, it takes a break up like this to realize what you're REALLY looking for.

 

Well said. Even failed relationships teach us a lot and help us find that successful one.

[Pinnacleofman]

You broke up for a reason. Once it is over it is usually best to move on to someone that fully accepts you for who you are.

[UABJC]

Hello Everyone,

 

I am so glad I found this thread, because I too am in the exact same situation as most of the posters on here. I posted under a different topic and got some good responses but then realized this is the perfect place to post my story.

 

I broke up with my girlfriend of 3.5 years (living together for the last year) about 9 months ago and have questioned the decision basically ever since. For quick background, she and I were very compatible and literally never fought about anything and we had an awesome time together. She had so many of the wonderful qualities I want in a wife, and had them unlike any girl I had ever met. She is also extremely attractive and comes from a well-to-do, but down to earth great family. Sounds perfect right? We are both 29 now btw, never married or anything before. She, rightfully so, was very ready to get married by about 2 years into the relationship and was 100% sure she wanted to marry me. I on the other hand, really loved being with her, but wasnt 100% sure she was the one I wanted to marry. I still havent been able to pin point why, given all her great qualities. I began having little thoughts that she wasn't going to be my future wife about 2 years into the relationship, but they were few and far between that I ignored them. Then we moved into together, and those thoughts became more frequent - I think because the pressure to propose began to heat up. I agonized over the decision to propose or break up for over a year. I went to the jewelry store and looked for rings with my mom, and I didnt feel any excitement while looking for rings. I didn't buy one because of the uncertainty I was feeling. So, there was a lot of back and forth, I talked it to death with my mom and sisters, about what I should do. Eventually, my girlfriend, really pushed me for answers about where this was headed and I couldn't dance around it anymore, I told her exactly how I felt. Which was there are many times when I feel like she is the one for me, and other times when I am not sure. She said she didn't think she could continue on like this anymore (after a year of me trying to "figure it out"). So I moved out the next day and we broke up.

 

Over the next 8 months we kept in touch, it was a little odd. But I think it was because we both still had a lot of love for each other and we both hoped something would trigger us to get back together and get married. There were 1 or 2 occasions where we went to dinner, and one time where we stayed the night together, but afterward, similar feelings of uncertainly came back to me and backed away from a reconciliation. I have been doing "OK" with my decision for the most part. But have not had that clarity that it was 100% correct. But I also havent acted on any feelings by going back to her.

 

Up until 2 weeks ago, I had always thought (not smart on my part), that I could have her back anytime I wanted, because we were staying in touch and I knew she wasnt dating anyone. But 2 weeks ago I found out she is dating one of my friends. Obviously they've known each other for years since he was always around while we dated. They even worked together. To summarize that part, they are getting very serious, very quickly and I actually think they will be engaged within 8-12 months. I was devastated when I heard this news. Like I said I had been doing fine with it until this came along. Started to not eat, couldn't focus on work at all, and thought about her constantly. Right after I heard about it I emailed her and asked what the deal was just to get the truth about her being with my friend. She said he has made her happy on a whole new level and that there is a 0% chance we will get back together. That hurt. From her perspective, I understand it though. I broke up with her. Then I backed out of a reconciliation. So there is no way she could ever believe me even if I came back and said I want to marry her for real this time. I thought about showing up to her house with a ring in my hand, but even then I don't think she will buy it. She'll think he just wants me now that I am moving on.

 

Is she right? Or is this the one that got away? I think the difference here between the OP is that I haven't been able to get that clarity that I made the right call and its been 9 months. I do think I may be able to attribute that to my personality somewhat. I've always hung-on to relationships after they end. With every GF i've had, we seem to never just move-on, its always lingering until me or the other finds someone new. I did not even start dating anyone after this most recent break-up until I found out she was with my friend.

 

So what do you guys think? Was this a huge mistake, or am I just now starting the grieving process 9 months late?

[sky09]

So what do you guys think? Was this a huge mistake, or am I just now starting the grieving process 9 months late?

 

I think it's the latter, due to

 

Up until 2 weeks ago, I had always thought (not smart on my part), that I could have her back anytime I wanted

 

We broke up in March, but I didn't feel it until early June, when she really broke it off, due to the same reason above...

 

What has been stopping you from reconing? If you had doubts, then it's for better that you didn't reconnect. Take care of yourself and wish them well.

[Anonymous82]

So what do you guys think? Was this a huge mistake, or am I just now starting the grieving process 9 months late?

 

I tend to agree with sky09... You gave it a lot of thought and contemplation before breaking up with her, and you had eight months afterward to figure out if you thought you'd made a mistake.

 

Even after you thought you'd moved on, finding out that an ex is in a serious relationship can play with your mind... "If he can be happy with her, so can I!" The bottom line is you were with her for three-and-a-half years, and for the final year and a half, you couldn't shake the thought that you couldn't see yourself spending the rest of your life with her. You had that whole year and a half, plus the eight months post-breakup, to change your mind, but you couldn't. Moreover, during that post-breakup period, you even went on a couple dates with her and spent a night together, yet those feelings of doubt still persisted.

 

It's not logical to believe that just because your ex is happy in another relationship now, you could magically go back to being happy with her if it were an option. More likely, I think you're just struggling with the realization that going back to her is no longer even an option.

 

It's good to hear you've become more open to dating other people since hearing this news. Hopefully, with a reconciliation seemingly off the table, you will gain more clarity as time goes by. Keep us posted!

[UABJC]

I think you are right, and I think its especially playing with my mind because its one of my good friends who she is now dating. Its just so weird, its like he and I just switched places. While I am definitely struggling with the fact that she is really gone this time, I am still trying to dig deeper on that to understand why I am struggling with it. If it was the right call then I should not be having such a hard time letting her go, but maybe its because this feeling of her being gone is actually only 2-3 weeks old at this point (versus the 9 months we've been broken up). Maybe its also because I was so close to proposing to her. There is a part of me and probably always will be a part of me that thinks we would have had a pretty good relationship had we gotten married. The whole time I had doubts about it, I wanted so badly for the doubts to go away because without those, we were almost perfect for each other. So compatible. But the doubts did not go away. I always heard you have to go with your gut, so maybe its all a blessing in disguise. Im pretty sure I am going to feel this way until I meet someone new. And I just hope that new person is just as good or better of a match.

[Anonymous82]

I think you are right, and I think its especially playing with my mind because its one of my good friends who she is now dating. Its just so weird, its like he and I just switched places.

 

Yeah, I've never been in a situation like that but I can imagine it would make things a lot more difficult.

 

There is a part of me and probably always will be a part of me that thinks we would have had a pretty good relationship had we gotten married. The whole time I had doubts about it, I wanted so badly for the doubts to go away because without those, we were almost perfect for each other. So compatible. But the doubts did not go away.

 

...and even after you broke up and tried dating and spending a night together again, the doubts were still there. I think it's important to remember that as well... You had every opportunity to realize you wanted to be with her if that truly had been the case, but it didn't happen.

 

I think it's perfectly reasonable to reflect back on past relationships and wonder what your life might've been like if they'd worked out. But right now, as your ex has moved on and you're trying to do the same, may not be the best time to do that.

 

Im pretty sure I am going to feel this way until I meet someone new. And I just hope that new person is just as good or better of a match.

 

You will, and she will be!

[sky09]

Anon, in six years and half years since the PO, have you loved someone else like you've loved her?