Was breaking up with her a huge mistake?

[whattodowhattodo]

Well, I guess my experience has followed the pattern of other posters.

 

I went round to her place and let her know how I felt and that I thought we should go our separate ways. She kept a brave face even though I could tell inside she was hurting (we had a long hug and she started getting teary, stood up, and said "Sorry I can't do this, if I let myself get sad I'm going to get really sad").

 

I've just got home and I feel absolutely crushed inside. I'm on the verge of tears, but like her, holding it in because I know if I let the floodgates open they'll open wide. I was so calm this morning about everything and completely OK with it, but now I've done it and the line has been drawn I'm plagued with doubts. I got on with her so well, care about her so deeply, and she was such a massive part of my life, I wonder if I've been stupid and actually had something really good going on without realising it. I'm going to miss her so, so much.

[aw4919]

This is something I've been wondering though, especially with being a dumpee (please don't take this as bitterness, it's just general curiosity).. Why couldn't these things be discussed openly before any triggers were pulled? I mean, yes, it is a difficult conversation. It causes doubt, it involves confrontation, it's everything that human beings try instinctively to avoid, I understand that. But at one time, YOU LOVED them. Doesn't that warrant a frank discussion where you say, 'Hey, I'm having some doubts. It's like this. What can we do to try and work this out?' And then if it doesn't work out, you know, at least it's fair. I say this because I was told that I wasn't being given a chance to make it work because he didn't want to feel like he stringing me along. But it wouldn't be stringing me along because I would know that there was a chance it wouldn't work. Stringing me along is what he did while he was contemplating all of this and NOT telling me how he felt. It all sounds noble, if you love someone set them free type deal, but it's not. I wasn't given a fighting chance. I deserved a second chance even if he was convinced it would never work because a year or so before he was convinced it could never fail, so he obviously doesn't know **** about what works and what doesn't. Once again, there isn't any anger or resentment in that. It kind of reads that way, but it's unintentional.

 

So I guess I just want to know if my experience is unique, or if any of you talked about it during your relationship before pulling the plug.

[jumpy120]

I wasn't given a fighting chance. I deserved a second chance even if he was convinced it would never work because a year or so before he was convinced it could never fail, so he obviously doesn't know **** about what works and what doesn't. Once again, there isn't any anger or resentment in that. It kind of reads that way, but it's unintentional.

 

Well, for me, we acknowledged problems, and both of us tried to fix them but then also tried to ignore them hoping they'd go away. Maybe it wasn't aggressive enough. But not to be too harsh, but if I had told my gf the issues going through my head, and she tried even harder to make it work, I'm afraid that's a huge turn off. To me, it's a repellent. You cannot coddle your guys all the time, you've got to push back and have some respect for yourself or you're getting into co-dependency. Perhaps your guy figured, a quick and total break up is also a way of stopping from leading you on any further; it's common advice. If one side will not repair or cannot, then your asking him to do something that is not possible and a total waste of time. Personally, my biggest desire was to have more space and time alone, but saying that, I was afraid, would send a signal that it was over, or soon to be. ***I've spoken to her about this recently, she pretty much agreed, that comment would not be taken kindly. Soon enough though it came out, I had to say it bc it wasn't changing. We're apart now and it truly sucks, but we both agree that just because it hurts (VERY) much to be apart, that's not the reason to resume. We've tried to work on things a lot.... when is it enough? That's what we're trying to answer.

 

If you were unaware of a rift for over year, then that's quite surprising to me. Feelings are a blind spot for me, I have to really tell myself to look to see them sometimes, but I'm afraid I don't think I'd ever be that oblivious about serious problems with someone I was THAT close too. Sometimes we all bury our heads in the sand; and we simply believe things only because we want to. I think it's even quite rare that it's only one person's fault. You have to look inside and acknowledge the mistakes you've made or you'll never see what happened, and you'll never grow. If you don't see any faults, well, I'd suggest you've just found the first one.

 

***One thing you must be aware of, you think you want to know all the things your partner didn't or doesn't like about your relationship or your qualities, I assure you, that's not true. You discuss the things that can be constructive. Otherwise, it's just cruel.

[nickbroken]

Good thread, Same situation for me. Was in a relationship and for the last few months fought a lot. She was getting crazy dramatic all the time, I mean totally overcritical about things and would just freak. She tried to pull a moment of clarity and was like I just need to breathe I need a break ect and I was like said stuff like well have fun with that hope you find what you are looking for and what not she replied that she hoped so also. I kinda freaked called a few times she never picked up. Finally returning my phone call just kinda ended it there she said she didn't want it to end but was fine with it and just kinda how she was. Tried to call back a bit later to say I dunno I think we just got a little out of hand and that I as upset. She didn't pick up wouldn't return calls all night so in my mind she is done. Didn't talk to her yesterday or today so far pretty sure I will never hear from her again. I miss her but I am trying to figure out if I made a mistake or not. Is it just the void she filled or was it actually the best thing.

 

I think the hardest part is we were friends also and I was in a new country and don't know anyone really so that kinda adds to it, but what can you do.

[aw4919]

With no offense intended, I think you misinterpreted what I was saying. I wasn't saying that there were no problems. I knew there were problems, I was just never made aware of what the problems were. I wasn't unaware for over a year, and I definitely know my part in the breakup. Actually, to be fair, it was about 75% my attitude that caused it. But my point was that I DID know there was a problem, pretty much the first second that he had a doubt, because we were so intimate. He wouldn't talk about it, presumably because of what you said- he thought it wouldn't be taken well. But knowing there was a problem and being told by someone I trusted that there was not a problem basically drove me insane. It caused me to act in ways I have never even dreamed of before, which in turn caused the seed of doubt to grow and become solid.

 

It's not like I would change who I am at my core for anybody. But I did love him enough that if he would have said he wasn't sure where the relationship was going the first time I asked him, we would have been able to at least decide mutually at that point if it was something that could be fixed. For instance, if it was 'I need time away from you to figure out the direction of my life', I would have no problem at all stepping away gracefully and doing the same; to either be brought back together or to grow apart. If it was 'I can't handle you and our personalities clash because of x, y, z', I can't change that, so I can accept that as well, and could have still walked away gracefully.

 

If it was 'We have communication issues that are a detriment to our relationship', then that is fixable. That is workable if both parties are willing (which at the time of the first doubt, I'm sure we would have been). And if he wasn't willing, then once again, a graceful departure on my part.

 

But to let this build for months and months, where we created a cycle, where I got more and more overwhelmed with every denial to the point that I started becoming a monster..

 

I'm not an irrational person, and I could have been convinced that it was the best choice for either him, or for both of us. And I would have accepted either. And I have accepted every other part of this experience, and learned from it. The part that is holding me back in my healing, in my acceptance, is that he did not trust me enough to tell me what was going wrong when we were actively in a healthy relationship; when I gave him zero reason to not trust me enough.

 

I deserved honesty. I deserved the chance to leave gracefully.

[iam42]

it is very painful to have the first clear articulation of a problem within your relationship occur at its end.

[jumpy120]

I did misinterpret. I think, you're response should be read by anyone struggling to communicate with their significant other; we forget there is another person that can contribute and solve or ease the situation (albeit that doesn't mean they're all as rational as you).

 

If you read about the Meyer-Briggs personality types, that maybe can help identify (possibly) why your partner or co-workers, etc. act a certain way. I am still a bit skeptical about the MB scale because I think people are generally credulous, but I have to admit I was shocked to test into and then read about the INTP type, because it was as if someone was specifically talking about me. I think there is some credibility in it because it did help me understand that feelings are a blind-spot for me and I need to aware of that. Knowing that actually helped me include my gf in the problems I was having.

 

Certain personality types (like the category I found myself inside), have a tendency to think that our own problems should be fixed by ourselves, or they probably cannot be fixed. These types will fall into an endless pattern of thinking and troubleshooting the problem, and too much time passes. Add in that the INTP, INTJ, etc. types don't see feelings well, and you have a person who functions mainly on cold logic trying to sort out matters that are about feelings; good results should not be expected.... I can buy that analysis from the M-B articles I've read (paraphrasing with great liberty).

[Anonymous82]

I've gone through overwhelming feelings of thinking I need to get back with her; I know she'd rather just get back together. But I am almost certain this is just because I'm being selfish and trying to ease the pain of the breakup any way I can. I feel like since I am so confused and have been questioning the relationship for so long, that this also is the reason to break up. How much more time can go by? It's her life too. I know she does not want this, at all. She's devastated. But I think getting back may be far worse since there's no logical reason why I won't end up in the same bad spot we left off.

 

It sounds like a lot of thought went into your decision. It's only been a week; in my opinion, and in the experiences of most people in this thread, it often takes a lot longer than that to gain enough distance from the relationship to really know whether you did the right thing. As you suggest, there is a strong tendency to try to ease the immediate pain, but it's important to focus on what's best for the long run. If you chose to break up with her, you should have a reason to be confident you won't feel compelled to do so again before choosing to get back together with her.

 

This is something I've been wondering though, especially with being a dumpee (please don't take this as bitterness, it's just general curiosity).. Why couldn't these things be discussed openly before any triggers were pulled?

 

Sometimes they can, particularly in the confines of an emotionally mature couple.

 

Five years ago, when I started this thread, I had just ended my first serious relationship. I knew I needed to do so, and I think my actions and demeanor leading up to the breakup should've given my partner an indication that I was not particularly happy in the relationship. But I also did not have the relationship experience or maturity to articulate to her precisely what my issues were, or to even be able to identify myself what it was that was causing that "gut" feeling that I could not see myself marrying her.

 

Now, years later and with much more life, dating, and relationship experience, I'd like to think I'm a lot more emotionally mature (though, like anyone, I certainly still have my own share of issues!). In my more recent relationships, I have been able to better identify the true, specific reasons that were causing my distant feelings toward my current partner, and to express them in an appropriate, constructive manner. That didn't always mean we were able to resolve them, and I did still initiate the breakup, but I did so with more confidence that it was necessary and after more direct communication that helped my partner understand and kept her from being as surprised and hurt (though breakups always hurt both parties involved).

 

That said, as jumpy120 points out, there are things that are beneficial to discuss and try to work on together before deciding to break up and things that are not. "I need to find ways to feel more independent and have some time to myself within the confines of our relationship" is a worthwhile discussion. "I find you less attractive than I used to" is not.

[bybee]

Hah! After a few days, I got out of the psychiatric ward

All the dumpers in the world, beware! I'm a dumpee and I swear on revenge. Not the "an eye for an eye" kind of revenge, but the "i'm bigger than that" kind of revenge. I don't know what to do right now really, or even when to do it. But I cannot let myself be beaten up (at least not by myself) like this any longer.

 

@ aw4919: I have the exact same questions. Why can't we talk about the problems/the changes of the heart/the time of the month/etc.? I don't understand why my EX fakes all along and then dumps me out of the blue. Just weeks ago he told me to look at wedding dresses, at Paris vacation, at a life together. Then, ding dong ding dong, a heart has fallen out of love. Surprise! Anyways, I think there's little to be done in such a situation. The more I read this thread through teary eyes, the more I am confirmed of the news that once people really want out, they're really out. And looks like, in most cases, the dumpers are pretty much happier down the road. If they're not happy, they're confused. Meanwhile none has come back to their ex's FOR REAL. So ... ? I don't know. I don't think this thread will give out answers as to what's happening in the dumpers' heads. For me, I will use this thread as something to read in case I have the urge to contact my ex again (which is happening right now). It is painful to read, but also helpful. It tells nothing specific but the firm underlying message over the pages is that: well, my heart knows what it wants, and it doesn't want *insert name*.

[Anonymous82]

Happy to hear you're feeling better!

[anog8]

3 week update:

 

Since my last post, a bit has happened. My ex and I actually met up and talked things over, which ultimately led to her offering to have an open relationship. At the time, I thought that it would be just what I needed to make things work, as it seems that most of my uncertainties stem from not having been in serious relationships prior to this one, and not being sure if this was what I really wanted in a relationship. But a couple days after that, I thought that I couldn't just sleep around, I wanted to actually date other girls and see what it was like. I wanted to be committed in a relationship, rather than an open one. And also, I figured that open relationships almost never work, as someone is bound to get hurt in the end. And so with that, I told her that I couldn't do an open relationship, but we still decided to be friends.

 

I'm definitely happy that we're friends and we still text each other to see how we're doing, but it's also causing me a lot of second thoughts. Recently, I haven't been able to stop thinking about what I've given up by breaking up with her, but at the same time I still know that I need to date around and experience more. I spent the past few days with a girl (more of a summer fling), and honestly, my ex has been on my mind constantly. I just can't seem to get her out of my mind. Heck, I even had a dream of her finding me, and telling me that I was lost, but it'll all be okay now that she's found me. I really, really miss her. I keep having these flashbacks of us being together, and how happy I was. I feel like I haven't been that happy in so long, ever since I started getting this "gut" feeling. I feel like it's full of chaos inside me, full of uncertainty about whether or not I want her or not. It's really frustrating and has been making me really depressed lately. I feel like I need to date around, yet I don't want to date anyone but her. I'm horrified at the thought of losing her to someone else.

 

So I guess my question now is: What if she ends up being the best relationship I had, and I regret it for the rest of my life? I miss her so much, how do I know if what I'm doing is right? It's been 3 weeks and I'm more confused than ever, all the while she's trying to move on. What if by the time I figure out she's the one I want, it's too late to get her back?

[Anonymous82]

So I guess my question now is: What if she ends up being the best relationship I had, and I regret it for the rest of my life? I miss her so much, how do I know if what I'm doing is right? It's been 3 weeks and I'm more confused than ever, all the while she's trying to move on. What if by the time I figure out she's the one I want, it's too late to get her back?

 

Those are scary thoughts to ponder. In my experience, the most important question to ask yourself is: How confident are you that if you get back together with her, you won't soon go back to feeling the need to break up with her again?

 

If you feel very confident you made a mistake and you've now realized you truly want to be with her, I think it's reasonable to talk with her about your feelings and consider getting back together. But if you're not yet convinced that's the case and wondering if maybe these feelings are a result of missing what you had and you might go back to wanting out once you reentered a relationship, you may want to give yourself more time and distance from her to sort out your feelings. Three weeks feels like a long time when you're going through something like a recent breakup, but consider what a small amount of time it is compared to how long you were with her before choosing to end it.

 

Best wishes.

[anog8]

I guess I really am not sure of anything. I'll just have to give myself more time I guess. It just scares me because it seems like she's already moving on. I know that there's a guy at her work who has taken an interest in her, and they've already kissed. I suppose that the pressure of her moving on is one of the main reasons why I'm questioning so many things, because it seems like I might not be able to reverse the situation if I end up realizing it's a mistake.

 

Of course, I can't blame her for moving on and I knew she wasn't going to wait around. I mean I wouldn't want her to wait on me and then have me tell her that we weren't going to get back together. I guess the best way to describe this situation is that it sucks, and I don't know how to handle the thought of her being with someone else.

[Anonymous82]

In my experience, If you're going through a recent breakup, it's best to avoid contact as much as possible so you can gain perspective on your relationship with your ex and determine how you want to proceed.

 

Learning your ex has been kissing someone else is obviously tough to hear, and it sounds like the thought of that is understandably making it difficult for you to move on, or to figure out if moving on is truly what you want to do.

[wowor]

@Anonymous82

 

Heya bud.

 

I posted on this forum about a year back after I was dumped from a 9-year relationship. Fast forward to today and I just got out of something that was wonderful, but very brief after 3.5 months. It's weird, but I actually feel more ready to date again after this past experience than before it. She was a sweet woman who ended it herself, but unfortunately was not emotionally available for something serious and recognized it through our interactions and communications with one another.

 

Part of me wants to get back in the saddle, because I feel great. But the other part is hesitant to do so because I am a gentleman and wouldn't want to make my recent ex feel terrible. Am I just too busy caring about something pointless? Do you find that after a shorter stint with someone "X number of days" is a good amount of time to process and reflect?

[Anonymous82]

I don't think it's "pointless," and it shows your character that you want to be sensitive about it. But I do think that if you feel emotionally ready to date, you should go for it, particularly considering it was your ex who ended your relationship. I don't think there should be a fixed "X amount of days" formula... When you're ready, you're ready! She wanted to move on, and you do too.

 

Nice to hear you're feeling great!

[kelozo]

Wow, this is EXACTLY how I feel. I am contemplating a break up at the moment, because it feels like "something" is missing. I'm just scared doing it if its a mistake..

[Jomo87]

First of all I'd like to thank you all, especially Anonymous82, for all your insights and advice and experience you've shared in this thread. In fact I cannot thank you enough.

 

Yesterday I told my loving, kind, sweet, vulnerable girlfriend of 8.5 years, that I did not believe I was in love with her anymore. It feels so surreal, and I'm feeling so many different emotions right now.

 

We live together in a house we bought 2 years ago, we share virtually all the same friends from our 8.5 years since school and Uni (we're 25 and 26 years old now), I care so deeply for her and I want to protect her from pain. However, it came to a crossroads where I felt I should be proposing to her, but my lack of feeling truly in love with her and deeply connecting, held me back. I knew then after thinking a lot about it that I had to tell her.

 

It was the most horrible and painful thing I have done and will ever do, and she is the last person in the world I want to hurt, but I said to her I think I would only hurt her more if I felt this way after marriage and kids.

 

She said I am the one true constant, the only true happiness in her life, and it breaks my heart that I am going to deprive her of all she has ever wanted and dreamed of these last 8 years. We both imagined having children and growing old together, but as time passed, I didn't believe she was truly the one for me.

 

Now we are apart and she is giving me time to reflect, but if this is the end, we have the house to sort out, and she says she couldn't be friends as it would be too painful, but I can't bear the thought of not seeing her and talking to her. I miss her so much already, and part of me wants to take back everything I've said and go back to normal because I wasn't "unhappy" but I wasn't "in love".

 

I have however found solace in this thread where I think I have made the correct decision despite all this hurt I've caused to both of us. But it still doesn't stop the doubts and uncertainty and immense pain, worry and sadness I feel. I want to hug her and make her pain go away, it's what I've always done, and the thought I can't help her and protect her now is eating at me.

 

I could go on and on, but these are my main thoughts at the moment.

 

Thank you all.

[Jomo87]

Lostindefinet, your post has so many parallels to my current situation. I feel for you as I am feeling the exact same way now. Thanks for sharing your situation.

[Anonymous82]

Jomo, thanks for sharing your story here. I can definitely relate my past experience to a lot of what you're feeling, though I'm sure after eight-and-a-half years and having shared a house for the past two, it's that much more difficult.

 

It sounds like you gave this decision a lot of thought and were honest and direct with your partner, which was very noble of you. I can only imagine how difficult it is for both of you right now, but as time goes by, that "surreal" feeling will start to fade and you'll gain perspective on what felt like it was missing for you in your relationship and where to go from here.

 

Best wishes.

[Jomo87]

Hi Anon82, thanks so much for your response I really do appreciate it.

 

My girlfriend has been staying at her Mum's house and I've been staying at my sister's (although I stayed at home last night). My girlfriend has been so strong and has let me know that while she desperately hopes I will come back to her, I should do what makes me happy. Of course if I tell her that its over for good it won't make me happy, but I do think if I go back to her that I will be prolonging the agony as in my heart of hearts I think I know she is not the one for me, but it breaks my heart to say it. I care about her so much, she is so lovely and kind and I don't want her to hurt. All she has ever wanted it to spend her life with me and to have our children and be a mother, and without that she is left with very little. I would even have to buy her out of the house as she couldn't afford it herself.

 

I'll even miss her family so much, they have been better to me than my own family all these years, and have helped me and supported me so much. Her mum even emailed me yesterday saying she hopes I'm ok and that I'm like a son to her and she would do anything to help. My own mother wouldn't do this.

 

I really do feel like I am letting go of something so good and that there is a bright happy future being ripped away, but I keep coming back to the thought of "can I marry this girl and am I in love with her" and my answer is always leaning more to no than yes, despite how lovely and kind she is and how horrible I feel about upsetting her (we have never even argued since we've been together). I want to hug her and kiss her and tell he everything's going to be OK, but I have to tell her it's over which is going to crush her like nothing else.

 

Thanks again for listening.

[Analogies]

Has anyone looked up ROCD? A lot of these responses are very similar to this disorder. Here is a Wikipedia definition:

 

Relationship-centered obsessive-compulsive symptoms A person may continuously doubt whether they love their partner, whether their relationship is the "right" relationship or whether their partner "really" loves them.[5] Even when they know they love someone or that someone loves them, they constantly check and reassure themselves that it is the right feeling. When they attempt to end the relationship, they are overwhelmed with anxiety. Staying in the relationship, however, they are haunted by continuous doubts regarding the relationship.

 

Partner-focused obsessive-compulsive symptoms Another form of ROCD includes preoccupation, checking, and reassurance seeking behaviors relating to the partner's perceived flaws.[6] Instead of finding good in their partner, they are constantly focused on their shortcomings. They often exaggerate these "flaws" and use them to prove the relationship is fundamentally bad. The fact that they are unable to concentrate on anything but their partner's flaws causes the sufferer great anxiety, and often leads to a strained relationship.

 

 

I can admit to at least two long term relationships where I was doing what is known as ROCD. Including one, I just recently ended. It's interesting to note other aspects of my life that appear to have OCD tendencies. I plan to see an OCD therapist to dive a little deeper into why I'm always looking for the flaws in her instead of the good. I'll keep you guys posted.

 

Also, you should do a google search of victims or spouses of ROCD partners. It's shocking the similarities between this thread and their experiences...

[peter85]

Definitely something I could relate to! I broke up with my ex 2 times before finally ending it the third time, now 6 months after the breakup all I want is to have her back!

[usuario]

hello all,

 

Two years ago I stumbled upon this thread soon after breaking up with my girlfriend of almost two years. I found enormous support here and I especially could relate a lot with the story of Anonymous82. (Who started this thread - see his story on page 1).

 

Like Anonymous82, the reason of breaking up was basically my gut feeling. She was perfect in everything I could imaging and I love(d) her very much. We got along fantastic and seldom argued. A price out of the lottery really. But (as somebody stated in this thread about his ex): Why, oh, WHY! wasn't I absolutely NUTS about her!?

 

We went completely no contact without any (later) closure right from the break up. We have never talked again since - With exception of a handful of text messages and a 'How are things?'-superficial-phone-call after a few months.

 

Within two months after the break up she also moved abroad, where she still lives (a mutual friend kept me updated at times). There is crisis in this country which is why. Getting to know this was an extra reason not to contact her anymore. I didn't want to mess up her big step in moving abroad, dealing with a different culture etcetera. Especially because she did this so soon after our painful break up. But she told me in a text message (after living there some time) that she missed me.

 

After more than a year of recovering, for the first time after the break up I kissed this girl on a drunken night out. Nothing special and I never saw the girl again. But as innocent as it was, it felt like I had been cheating on my ex.

 

After 1.5 year since the break up I finally got interest again in other girls. To summarize: I started dating a friend (which in the end didn't work out), and I have been on some other dates since. I have thought often about my ex the last six months, but for me she wasn't a major topic anymore.

 

A week ago the news came in: a mutual friend told me my ex got married. And I am devastated...

 

Of course I could expect her to have moved on - but a lifelong commitment as marriage? It came in as a bomb. And now I feel as we have just broken up again...

 

I know it has been just a week since I learned about the news and I have to process it. But after two (!) years basically zero-contact and after such a long recovering period I am heart broken again. So I wonder:

 

Did I make a mistake in letting this girl go?

[Anonymous82]

You were firm in your decision at the time so I don't think it was a mistake, but more importantly, it's futile to ponder at this point since she has long since moved on and is now married. You'll only torture yourself by wondering about it.

 

I do find it a bit surprising that it took you a year and a half to be interested in other girls, but everyone gets over past relationships, heals, and moves on at a different pace.

 

Sorry to hear you're feeling down. It's only been a week since you found out about the marriage... Give it time.