Was breaking up with her a huge mistake?

[Chicago708]

Man, what a relapse!

 

The aforementioned plane ticket that I had yet to cancel (originally bought to go see my now-ex-gf) was for last night. I emailed her yesterday saying that I was planning on canceling the ticket (just so she knew) but to let me know if for some reason she wanted to see me for closure(?), and to apologize for the fact that I broke up with her over Skype. (When I realized I wanted to break up, our next visit was still 3 weeks away, and I felt leading her on for so long was wrong, so I thought Skype was the least crappy of several crappy options.) She ended up calling me, saying that she didn't understand why I kept contacting her with apologies, etc. if I was so sure breaking up was the right decision. We talked for a while, and she said she didn't want to talk about this kind of stuff over the phone. I asked if she wanted me to come out and talk to her, and we ended up deciding it probably wouldn't be a good idea.

 

I saw an email from her when I got home (I was out when she phoned me) and it asked me to not keep contacting her if I wasn't going to try to get back together with her. For some reason, this felt more final than when we actually broke up, because we both were secretly hoping that maybe I'd come around, and fly back out to see her and say I'd made a huge mistake and get back together. When I was writing the last line of the email, something like "Thanks for being a part of my life," I lost it, soon after which my mom came home to see I'd obviously been crying. We talked, and I explained how I couldn't bring myself to put the nail in the coffin, so to speak, even though I'd been the one to break up with her. My mom suggested I start driving to the airport, since the flight left soon and I hadn't canceled it yet, and if I decided not to get on it, just turn around and come home.

 

From the car, I texted my ex-gf "Do you want a proper good-bye in person at least?" The leads to her calling, and the conversation (by the time I'm in the airport parking lot) gets to the same place the email put me: say goodbye, promise I won't contact her, and admit to myself that it's over FOREVER (that word causes serious problems for me). We both were silent for several minutes, and I told her I was so torn up inside, thinking that it would be great to get back together, but also thinking that if we did, I'd have the same gut feeling that led to us breaking up. This was just about the worst I've ever felt in my life, and after being silent for a while, I totally lost it, crying like I never have before. Even though she was pretty mad at me, she could tell I was a complete wreck, and told me to take the flight and "we'll work something out." It was pretty much out of pity that she said that, but it made me feel SOOO good to hear. For about 20-30 minutes after that, I genuinely felt that we might have a chance at getting back together, and without the bad gut feeling this time. But I wouldn't be able to see her until the next day (which was this morning, a couple hours ago).

 

When I got to my gate, and started waiting for the plane, and thinking, and coming down to normal emotionally, the gut feeling started to creep back. It told me that maybe I'd given her false hope by not being able to pull the plug completely. But at the same time, I had legitimately felt genuine hope that things could be fixed by at least talking in person, so I still felt like going out there was worth a chance. If anything, maybe it would help us both get some closure, and we'd at least see each other one last time knowing things are over.

 

When I met up with her to talk again, things didn't go at all like I'd hoped. There were some things I'd wanted to say, but once I started she said that kind of stuff was just hurtful and I was helping anything. I had hoped to get some kind of dialogue going, but she really didn't have anything to say if I was still floundering about things. Basically, the whole experience felt like breaking up with her again (and she said it felt the same way). And this time, since it wasn't over Skype, I had to see her crying much more than before, which I deserve, really. But again, for the third time in 24 hours (first by email, then by phone, then in person), I just couldn't cut it off completely. I said to her that I'd respect her wishes and not get in touch with her, but I still didn't have personal closure (which was probably a bad thing to say, because that doesn't help her get any closure). It was a long and drawn out goodbye, and we hugged a couple times, which felt amazing, so I'm glad we had that (and I hope she's glad too, because I know she didn't really feel like hugging me because it would make me feel good. But she gave in because it was made her feel better too). Then, when I finally walked away, with her crying by her car in the parking lot, I felt so much like running back to her, but I just kept on walking and waving to her, and when she was out of sight, I called my mom to have somebody to talk to. It felt very wrong to leave her, especially the way she was.

 

So basically, I just put us through the breakup all over again, and it was every bit as bad as the first time, if not worse. I had genuine hope for a little while that there could be a chance of reconnection or closure, just something either way, but it was just more of the same. I felt, as I did about most stuff in our relationship, like I was trying to do the right thing, but it ending up being bad for both of us.

 

I realized now I need some time to decide whether or not it was the right decision. And I need to give her time to get over me. And the longer it takes me to decide, the better chance there is that she's over me. I feel like if we were living in the same city, we could at least see each other a bit casually and maybe not talking about all the emotional stuff would give me a chance to figure things out. But if I'm making a 1000 mile trip to visit her, it can't just be for joking around. I felt like I had to make a decision this weekend, and it totally bombed. Just recreated the worst emotional day or both of our lives.

 

Luckily, I'm moving to her city, because of school/work, in the summer sometime. Deep down, I still think we might end up together once I figure things out, but for some reason it can't be NOW. But with her in the mindset she is (very sad and angry at me) I don't know if it'll ever happen, because she doesn't feel like we can ever be friends because of how I hurt her.

 

Anyway, I was so close to just saying goodbye on the phone yesterday, and ending up doing a 2nd breakup in person today. I don't think either of these decision would be "right" or "wrong," but both of them suck, I'm sure. The only thing that can make me feel better in this situation is her. I feel like I "had to break up with her," and I'm kind of victimizing myself. I've never felt so confused, or alone, or sad. The original breakup very rarely felt like a "relief," as I've heard some people say. Mostly, I just felt sooooo bad for her, partly because of being guilty, but partly because I do have feelings for her and people care about those who are close to them. I've thought about other girls, but it feels weird right now when I think about acting on crushes with other girls, and I can't picture another girl caring about me and loving me as much (in 4.5 years) as my ex-gf did/does. I just hope I find an answer soon.

 

Thanks for reading, sorry it's pretty much a rant.

[michelle21689]

Chicago, you're confused with your feelings. If you feel bad being with her I would break up with her so that you guys can go your separate ways. You sound like you're feeling what my ex did when he didn't want to break up with me but felt he had to. It was so painful for me, and he was crying really hard too...but I'm okay now after 3 weeks. I still think of him, miss him, and wish we'd find our way back to eachother. Now I realize these past few weeks that I'm okay without him and that this is my chance to experience life, travel, and work on myself...I was so dependent on him. If we were meant to be then we would definitely get back together...I do know now if he came back to me that I would have a hard time saying "No" even though it is for best right now because I think this is our journey where we both go our separate ways. He has the Army to focus on and his deployment, if he needs me I'll be there for him. I have a lot of growing up to do... who knows...maybe RIGHT NOW we can't be together but later on we can..which I'm hoping. But I know I am going to move on and be fine, maybe fall in love again.. I don't know. I just know there's going to be a happy "ending".

 

Just try to end on good terms as hard as you can because you don't want to burn bridges. =\

[Chicago708]

Oh man, I'm glad you're not depressed any more. I was just reading other threads about people who are still depressed about being broken up with after months or years, and to hear you say that you can see the good side of being independent again after only 3 weeks makes me feel better about her. Of course I don't know how she's going to feel, but this helps.

 

After the original breakup she said she didn't think she could be friends with me. Then after talking to her today I feel like I made it worse inadvertently. Her sister facebook messaged me to stay out of her life forever, so it's not really looking good from the don't burn bridges standpoint. But, regardless of what she says now, it's true that it's possible we could get back together in 6 months or a year or something, since we both just don't know how we'll feel then.

 

I just feel so guilty about making somebody feel so bad! It's awful. I'm glad your story is looking good.

[michelle21689]

Well, the wounds are still fresh. I told my ex that I can't be friends with him for now because it hurts too much. I will when I'm ready. Your ex may be talking out of pain...I'm sure that one day when it all feels better she'll come around. Some people hold on to grudges though...your break up wasn't as bad as other peoples involving lies, cheating, abuse, etc. I still see my ex as a very good man....it is hard to not hate him and blame him for all this. Some days I am angry at him and want to punch him in the face lol...only for a second though.

 

The people that are depressed and are in pain are because they allow themselves to be. Some prolong the pain by keeping in constant contact with the ex and allow themselves to be stringed along and have high hopes. Some don't want to admit it but they like the pain and will do things to make them sad. Like me, I'll avoid sad music, memories, etc. for now because I know I'll feel crappy.

 

I know you feel guilty but wouldn't you feel even worse staying in a relationship living a lie? I see you in my ex's perception now so it's nice to have a better understanding. I just hope he didn't have a "gut" feeling like you did that we're wrong for eachother or he couldn't see me in his future life lol..

 

I want to "rush" time and see where everything goes and how everything will be. It gets better each day, some days are backwards like last night I cried so hard but today I'm optimistic! haha.

[Anonymous82]

Chicago708, sorry to hear about the very difficult break-up situation you've gone through. "Closure" is a very difficult thing to quantify... Everyone wants it after a break-up, and has ideas of what he or she can do to attain it, but these steps can sometimes backfire and end up setting him or her further back. I think true closure often ends up coming weeks or months down the road, when you're able to reflect back on your experiences, better understand why you and your partner behaved the way you did, and hopefully learn from it and come to know yourself better and thus be a better partner down the road.

 

As difficult as it was for both of you, and as painful as I'm sure it was for you to have to witness what she was going through as a result of the break-up in person, I think you may look back and be glad you were at least able to discuss it face to face and hug good-bye rather than ending it from afar. And as you said, who knows what the future holds. You should be commended for staying strong and doing what you felt was the right thing not just for yourself but for your ex as well.

 

michelle21689, I'm thrilled to hear you're starting to feel less depressed and becoming able to envision some of the positives that could come from being single. Good for you!

[thewendy]

thank you for this thread, anon82. it's a refreshing thread, considering most of us here in this forum are the dumpees. i now have an idea of what my ex is going through. being the dumpee i tend to focus solely on what im feeling, that im the one who is truly hurt, and i forget my ex has feelings too and that he is also hurting.

we were together for 8 years, the last year being very rocky with four break ups, the most recent one just last week. he initiated all the break-ups and all the getting-back-togethers.

 

i think HE could use some advice from you.

[robhill311]

Hi Guys,

 

I just read all of the experiences on here and cant believe how similar it is to my siuation, especially the OP. I split with my gf of 3 years two days ago for similar reasons to the OP. We got on great etc but i just couldnt see myself settling down with her. There were numerous reasons why although most were quite small. I finally decided to end it, thinking it was for the best. the whole break up was awful, she cried, i cried and she apologised for not keeping me happy (which broke my heart). And since then i've not been able to stop thinking that its a huge mistake, even though i was convinced i was doing the right thing and didnt really love her anymore. I've spent the past two days crying and looking at gifts she got me in my room.

 

The reasons i broke up with her are, i guess important to list:

 

- Similar to the OP, i just didnt feel she "got" me, there were no deep conversations, little electricity etc. We got on well, but that was it.

- We had pretty much no sex life anymore, probably my fault, as i just didnt initiate anything anymore or reciprocate when she tried.

- She was very shy, and as i'm a shy person we often spent long periods of time in slight quiet periods.

-She had put on weight and got some tattoos which i admit i didnt find attractive which didnt help (i know how horrible and shallow that makes me sound)

-Whenever we were apart she would be telling me how much she missed me, but i just never felt like i missed her or loved her as much as she did me, which added a pressure to me, like, why wasnt i feeling that?

-The Age gap - She was 32 and i am 27, i just felt constantly under pressure that she would want to settle down and have babies while she could, and i just didnt feel ready. we had discussed this and whilst she affirmed that she was in no rush, i knew i couldnt delay forever.

-I was very depressed in my job and in my home life, and i cant help but feel a lot of these frustrations i pinned on her, no matter how hard she tried to help me or make me happy.

 

The funny thing is, i now find myself missing her, thinking how i'd love to wrap my arms around her and make her feel better if she came through the door. We had so much in common, and she was accepting of every little thing i wanted to do, i dont feel like i'd ever find that with anyone else.

Now that i look back though, i wonder how many of these problems were my fault? maybe, if, in my head the relationship hadnt been over, would i have made more effort to connect with her? to talk with her? to accept her and do things with her? We always got on well, and enjoyed doing stuff together, but it was always more her than me that felt truly happy. i always had this nagging feeling inside me that all wasnt right, and i just couldnt put my finger on why.

 

I appreciate this was only 2 days ago and i am still very raw and emotional. But i am concerned that, if i have made a mistake, i cant leave it to long before getting in contact with her. else she will have got over me/moved on/ or will have spent this time suffering for no reason.

 

I would appreciate any input anyone can give as i feel like a lost and lonely soul at present.

 

Thanks

Rob

[ks240030]

When I read your post, is a mirror to my own failed relationship with my ex. We were together for close to 2 years and then he broke up with me because he did not see a future with me. He admitted that he has commitment issues and that it is not fair to string me along. He said that if we kept dating for the next 10 years, he would have married me out of obligation/pressure.

 

Based on solely on your post, I think you do have commitment issues and you need to address it so in the future, you do not hurt or break any other other's girl heart. Talk to someone who is impartial.

[robhill311]

Hi, was this response aimed at me or the OP?

 

One thing i have noticed is that its always the guys who have this "gut" feeling, could it just be that men overthink things compared to women? Why is it that women generally feel happier and content in relationships, whereas it seems men seem conditioned to doubt and wear away at themselves until it eventually reaches breaking point? I appreciate this isnt true for all men and women but there must be a connection as to why so many men are feeling this without being able to identify the true problems. I am a man too btw.

 

When I read your post, is a mirror to my own failed relationship with my ex. We were together for close to 2 years and then he broke up with me because he did not see a future with me. He admitted that he has commitment issues and that it is not fair to string me along. He said that if we kept dating for the next 10 years, he would have married me out of obligation/pressure.

 

Based on solely on your post, I think you do have commitment issues and you need to address it so in the future, you do not hurt or break any other other's girl heart. Talk to someone who is impartial.

[kaboom1218]

Hi Rob,

 

I am in a similar situation with an age gap relationship larger than yours where he's younger and said that the biggest reason for the breakup was because I was closer to wanting to have a family and he didn't know when he'd be ready. Like your ex, I kept insisting I wasn't ready for a family either, but he still felt pressure. Can you expound upon that train of thought and whether that really is a legit reason to end things when he claims there are no other issues or just an easy excuse to ease his guilt?

 

I think he felt pressure in general to succeed and, oh yah, his hating as* friends were opposed to us being together. We also barely lasted a month, so clearly it didn't take him long to come to that conclusion, but he suggested becoming a couple and things were very intense and kismet from the start, which made it seem a lot more substantial than it was. Thoughts?

[wilyone 11]

Hi, was this response aimed at me or the OP?

 

One thing i have noticed is that its always the guys who have this "gut" feeling, could it just be that men overthink things compared to women? Why is it that women generally feel happier and content in relationships, whereas it seems men seem conditioned to doubt and wear away at themselves until it eventually reaches breaking point? I appreciate this isnt true for all men and women but there must be a connection as to why so many men are feeling this without being able to identify the true problems. I am a man too btw.

 

It seems to me that women are much more discriminating and uncertain about who they will go out with and have sex with in the first place, whereas men become much more uncertain once they've won the woman over. They can be head over heels in love one month and completely doubt the relationship the next. It's agonizing as a woman.

[robhill311]

Hi Kaboom,

 

I'm sorry to hear that you're in a similar situation as my gf, i can assure you youre partner wouldnt have taken the decision lightly and is probably suffering just as much as yourself right now. i know i am.

 

As for whether or not the age gap is a genuine reason in itself i wouldnt want to say, i think the age gap was a big issue for me, but there were other smaller issues too. But i like to think if there wasnt an age gap, and she was say, a couple of years younger than me, they wouldnt have mattered so much. The big problem, for me, was that, although she was insistant that she also wasn't ready for a family, its hard to ignore outside influences. I was constantly getting teased by friends that she would want a family soon, and my parents also applied pressure saying i couldnt keep her waiting forever, time was of the essence etc. I also saw numerous articles in newspapers etc about how hard it was to conceive later on. All of this added up and applied real guilt to myself. Then there was the other issue, in a couple of years, who could guarentee i'd be ready then? and if i wasnt, i would have wasted her time and she could have spent that time finding someone else who would be ready sooner. And if i did keep her waiting and then we struggled to conceive, i would feel awful guilt for making her wait.

 

I think the whole friends being opposed to it is a bit of a lame excuse. Whether friends oppose or supported his decision, it was exactly that, his decision, and his life. He would be the one spending his life and time with you, not his friends. But as i say, i dont really know the situation inside out and i can only speak from my own experiences. Personally speaking, it would be important that my partner got on with my friends. But not essential.

 

I guess deep down though, it comes down to how strong your feelings for each other are. If i TRULY loved her and wanted to be with her would all these things bother me? I'm not so sure, surely i would love her unconditionally? its all very confusing!

 

I hope i've helped somewhat either way, and hope my experience can help others. I'm still feeling very raw after my split (now 3 days ago) and doubting whether i made the right decision.

 

Rob

[robhill311]

It seems to me that women are much more discriminating and uncertain about who they will go out with and have sex with in the first place, whereas men become much more uncertain once they've won the woman over. They can be head over heels in love one month and completely doubt the relationship the next. It's agonizing as a woman.

 

Hi there,

 

i think you are spot on, when i first started going out with my gf i felt head over heels in love. but as time went on my feelings started to fade and i was constantly doubting myself and my feelings. I can assure you its just as bad being the man. Knowing the woman will do anything for you, and loves you unconditionaly, yet doubting your own feelings back. I can assure you its heartbreaking. and since breaking up with her on Saturday, i have done nothing but cry and miss her and feel wracked with guilt. I wish i could have loved her properly and been sure of my feelings. i really do. Then theres the other thought, are these feelings typical of being a man? and will i eventually feel them for every woman i'm with? in that case maybe it was a mistake?

 

Either way, i can assure you that we dont take the decision lightly, and do it just as much for the woman as for ourselves, in the hope that she will find someone she deserves, who loves her and know that they love her.

[kaboom1218]

Hi Rob,

 

Thanks for the reply. Sounds like your friends influenced you some as well, maybe not as much as my ex, but it's sad because this is our life & happiness on the line & they should be more supportive. We could have been meant to be with our former partners. The so called friends don't know & are free to date whomever they want w/o criticism. This one factor pisses me off as well, although my ex should be strong enough to stand up to his "friends", punk.

 

I need a man who will value me more and not be so easily influenced. I do understand the fear of not being ready to have a family at the same time, but no relationship is perfect and who's to say that would even be a factor? Why not focus on the positive and the good now? Mine couldn't seem to do that.

 

So I take it you two have had No Contact since the break? I was planning to do NC for a while since I told him the door would be open and he knew where to find me. But there was a small fire next door to me yesterday that luckily was put out in time, but could have harmed me & two dogs. Since he knew the neighbor & I thought he would wanna know that this happened & would be concerned, I text him what happened.

 

I said that life can change on a dime & to count our blessings. No response. Wouldn't u reply after hearing your ex had a fire so close and had some chest pain from the smoke? How hearltess! In about 4 days since the split, I had already decided he wasn't the one for me now or maybe ever & that we could only be friends at most. Too immature. I hope he wasn't thinkin my message was an attempt at reconciling or grasping at straws. Maybe.

 

Just a possible bad scenario that can happen suddenly to someone you care about & to be aware of this when making decisions. My new perspective just may support what you were saying about not giving your ex too much time to move on. But you probably need to take more time to ensure you know what you want and not go back and make an even bigger mistake. Part of me still wants him to attempt to contact me, but now that I see he can't even show basic concern why bother? Would you ignore a text from your ex at this time stating her life had been in danger? Ridiculous! Do you plan to contact yours anytime soon or plan to try to be friends in the future?

[robhill311]

I wouldnt say my friends influenced me as such. it was certainly my own decision and if anything my friends have tried to make me see that i did have a good thing. I completely agree with what you're saying about its his own life and happiness though. I guess it doesn't help that his friends are single. If they were in settled relationships maybe he would have been more tempted to settle down too. But even so, thats no reason in itself to stay with you. he needed to do that for the right reasons, being that he loved you. I think at the minute i am struggling as to whether i do still love my ex or whether the feelings i am feeling are just a loss of a friendship and intimacy that we shared. I certainly dont plan on getting back with her or anything until i have taken some time away from the situation and decided whats right. The last thing i would want to do is get back with her only for the same feelings to resurface later down the line.

 

I havent spoken to her since the split but she spoke to my mum yesterday saying she wished i loved her and thanking my mum for welcoming her into the family. it was heartbreaking really to hear but i dont want to confuse feelings of guilt with that of missing her and loving her. I wish i loved her, i really do, but deep down I'm really not sure i do.

 

I understand what you're saying about your ex not valuing you enough. I would like to think my ex thinks the same. If she knows that i have doubts about my feelings for her, i would hope that she would look for a man who doesnt doubt those feelings and someone that she truly deserves. I certainly feel she deserves better than me and my half feelings.

 

I am a little surprised at his nonchalonce of your situation of the fire, i certainly think if he cared about you he would want to make sure you are ok. Maybe you should take this as a sign that he wasnt the man for you and that you do deserve better? I hope that doesnt sound too harsh but you certainly seem like a genuine, caring person, which from the sounds of it, he doesnt.

 

I certainly know what u mean about part of u hoping they get back in contact, but i think we need to remember that feelings are very raw this soon and even if they did get back in contact and things were worked out, there is a good chance that the old problems will soon resurface.

 

I did tell her during our breakup that i would like to remain friends and should she ever need to talk to me then she knew my number and that i would do all i could to help. As i said, i havent heard from her so i guess she would find it too hard to just speak as friends at present.

 

Another thing that someone said to me that really struck home on the age gap was that i was her last chance at having a family and happiness. Whilst i completely disregarded this (shes only 32 - not exactly over the hill!). It added much more pressure to me to make things work, like i felt trapped, like it was up to me whether this girl would ever get what she truly wanted or whether she would end up on her own which she truly doesnt deserve. Pressure will always lead to doubts, no matter how much you ignore these comments, your subconscious will chew on them over and over leading to problems.

 

I dont know if i'm helping or not, all i can do is offer my advice and thoughts. I hope things work out for the best and that we all find happiness whatever that may be.

 

Rob

[ThirdAnonymous]

I have a very similar story. I just broke up with my girlfriend of two years because of a fear that I would have to end it at some point in the future. She moved to a foreign country for a year about a month ago, so I felt that if I had to take a break from the relationship, now would be the best time. It's been 4 hours and I'm so very sad. I very much think that I made a mistake and needlessly hurt someone who I care so deeply for. I read the OP's first post and was happy that someone felt exactly the same way as me. Shortly thereafter I was devastated to find out that he thought he'd made the right decision. I so badly want to call her and tell her I'm an idiot and make everything okay.

 

I lived with her for the past year, and we got along great. The sex was excellent, though missing a few things I would have liked. The one thing that I'm hoping sets me apart from OP is that I absolutely can picture myself spending the rest of my life with her. She meshes well with my family, we live together well, we rationally talk things out, we enjoy similar activities etc. However, for some reason I haven't been confident that I want to spend the rest of my life with her. There are really no tangible reasons I can think of for this, the closest I can come is that I sometimes don't like how she interacts with other people, or my friends. I also don't feel the same "getting each-other" connection that I've felt with a select few close friends. Also, the way I got into the relationship wasn't really by a conscious decision. I'd hooked up with many girls before, but hadn't really kept in contact with any of them, but she made the effort to keep in contact with me and it just kind of turned into a relationship. I had the feeling while I was with her that I needed time as a single person to know whether or not I wanted to be in a relationship with her for the rest of my life. I phrased what we were doing as a break, which I don't think was much less devastating and told her I would re-evaluate the relationship in a few months. (All of which is true). To be honest, I am hoping that in a month I still feel like I made a mistake and still want to get back together with her.

 

Anyways, this wasn't structured in any way and I'm not sure I even said everything I want to say, it was just kinda like word vomit all over this textbox and a way of exploding my feelings out of me.

 

Thanks to everyone, especially OP, who posted their stories it helps (even if right now it makes me feel worse) to know that many people have gone through the same thing.

[KronicMan]

i have a similar story. i broke up with my gf and realized it was a mistake. during our relationship i just kept thinking it would never last, but i thought our connection was intense. i realize now i should not have stopped it, and should have worked on our problems during the relationship. after we ended , she quickly got with someone else and i have not been able to get her back. its been pretty heartbreaking.

[Anonymous82]

ThirdAnonymous, sorry to hear you're dealing with some tough decisions and emotions.

 

...I absolutely can picture myself spending the rest of my life with her.

 

However, for some reason I haven't been confident that I want to spend the rest of my life with her.

 

You seem to be on the fence. My main question would be: Before you suggested the break, did you see yourself spending the rest of your life with her?

 

If the answer is yes, what prompted the decision to break it off? If the answer is no, I think you did the right thing for the time being.

 

I couldn't see myself spending the rest of my life with my ex while I was with her. As soon as I broke up with her, I was so devastated over ending the relationship and seeing how it had affected her that I became convinced I was in love with her and wanted to spend my life with her. As a result, I suddenly started to be able to envision a future with her. That turned out to be a subconscious reaction to the pain and sadness of the breakup, and it faded over time.

 

I'm not saying it's the same with you... but I think it's important to recognize the difficulty you may have in truly analyzing your relationship in a rational way right now, when your decision to break it off is so fresh. I think you might end up regretting it if you were to go back on it so quickly. Hopefully in the coming days and weeks, as you have time distance yourself from your partner and reflect on things, you'll come to realize whether or not you truly want to be with her.

[ThirdAnonymous]

ThirdAnonymous, sorry to hear you're dealing with some tough decisions and emotions.

 

You seem to be on the fence. My main question would be: Before you suggested the break, did you see yourself spending the rest of your life with her?

 

To answer your question, I don't really know what "see yourself" means. I can picture myself spending the rest of my life with her as images in my mind. I was able to do that beforehand as well, but I just wasn't confident that I was okay with being in a relationship for the rest of my life. Let me put it this way, if, two years ago, someone had come up to me before I hooked up with my girlfriend for the first time and said "if you go kiss that girl, it will be the last girl you ever kiss" then I would have thought about it much more. I felt pulled, no, not pulled, but felt more like I tripped and fell, into the situation of being in a lifelong relationship, and didn't feel confident that I was ready for that. I have the gut feeling that a few months out of a relationship might change that.

 

I'm feeling much better than I was last night (when I spoke with her). I phrased what we're currently doing as a "break" because at the time I felt like that was probably what was needed. Since then she's e-mailed me and apologized if I felt "pressured" by her and other things that just make me love her more for being so reasonable. She didn't say anything mean when I told her and yet apologized for taking my honesty so badly. Anyways, overall this isn't going that badly, though I'm not positive what the next few months will hold, but am growing surer that my future will be with her.

 

-Third

 

PS I read all your posts before posting and can't believe you're still replying to this thread, it's fantastic. As a side note, you should update the thread on how your life is going for future readers, as I very much enjoyed reading about the changes

[Fern]

I think I love you.

 

I hope there are men out there who think like you too.

[Anonymous82]

Makes sense. It sounds like you've gained a lot of perspective on your situation even just within the past 24 hours. That's great, and it really backs up the benefits of the decision you've made to take some time to evaluate your life while independent from your partner.

 

PS I read all your posts before posting and can't believe you're still replying to this thread, it's fantastic. As a side note, you should update the thread on how your life is going for future readers, as I very much enjoyed reading about the changes

 

Thank you. I can't believe the thread is still going on over three-and-a-half years after I started it! It's so awe-inspiring to me that something I wrote at a very specific, emotionally difficult point in my life has been so relatable and, in some cases, helpful to others. IMO, boards and threads like this are one of the coolest things about the Internet. Posters to this thread were immensely helpful to me when I was going through it back then, so hopefully I can be helpful to others as well!

 

I believe there are periodic updates on my life scattered through the thread, but to update/summarize...

 

The relationship about which this thread was started ended in February 2008, lasting about two years. It was my first "official" serious relationship (though there was a four-year on-again-off-again "friends with benefits" situation with a girl in college that by many measures was pretty much a relationship). I was in another relationship from the summer of '08 through the summer of '09, lasting about a year. Looking back, I was actually a lot more compatible with that girl than with the one discussed at the beginning of this thread, but as a result of the experience gained from the previous relationship, I was able to recognize much more quickly when it was time to move on.

 

Over the course of those relationships, I evolved into a much more confident, independent person (I was 27 when the most recent one ended and am 29 now), and by the time the latter one ended, I came to realize I needed a period of time to allow myself to enjoy life as a single person. (Prior to these relationships, I had never been able to enjoy being single because I was too self-conscious for it to be fun.)

 

I moved to a much bigger city in the fall of '09 and have been living here for nearly two years now. I've been out on a lot of dates (I have a first date tonight actually!) and have hooked up quite a bit (some with girls I've dated, some with friends or girls I've met while out). I haven't had anything turn into a seriously relationship though. I definitely feel like at this point, I've gotten the desire to have "single experiences" out of my system. I continue to enjoy it, but I also feel ready to settle down when I find the right girl.

 

That said, I am thoroughly happy with my life and am enjoying the excitement and independence of being single. I think this is very important for me, because one of the problems in the past was that I'd overlook potential down-the-road issues in my relationships because I so wanted to be in one. Now that I'm very content being single, I feel it allows me to move on when I get the sense I wouldn't have a future with someone. At this point, I'd only enter a long-term relationship if I felt a strong connection with a girl and could see a future with her, and I'm much more confident in my ability to assess if things are going awry and either fix it or, if it doesn't seem fixable, move on.

[Mazzy222]

It's like you are me, I just went through the EXACT same thing 5 months ago, in the morning he texted he loved me, in the evening he told me it was over. He told me I never pressured him, we were both happy being together, had a lot of future plans for travel, then BOOM...over. He cried and tried to hold me but I told him not to touch me, I was angry and felt like such a fool. He sent me cryptic messages over the internet from phony profiles with a picture of us together telling me that I was the woman of his dreams and that he missed me, but never said it directly and when I finally asked why he was doing this, he denied it was him and then went on to tell me he was already seeing somebody else. The difference in my story is that I am not in my 20's or 30's but in my 40's and this is my first time ever feeling like I had met "the one", even though I was not ready after just a year and the fact that he was finalizing a divorce. I was and still am devastated, I am left now thinking either I made him better and he has tossed me aside and will marry the next woman he dates OR he is so screwed up with what his 25 year marriage did to him that he will do this over and over until he gets his head on straight. I still in the back of my mind hope that he will date others and come to the realization that the connection we had is not one so easily found. I am glad I read this thread although, i have to admit, some of the comments from the guys like "i did her a favor" really kind of pissed me off. It has gotten so bad for me that I am now in therapy. MEN: (not the 20 year olds) if you find a woman who you hit it off with, who loves you but doesn't suffocate you, that can laugh with you, cry with you and stand by your side through thick and thin, think very carefully before kicking her to the curb just because she doesn't have that "new car smell" anymore. Love does change into something else after the initial rush, it turns into something much deeper. During the breakup my ex even said "I used to be enthralled by you"...those words forever will be a dagger to my heart. I believe that one day my ex will wake up knowing how wonderful I really was and I will be waking up with a man that already knows that. However, at this point I still have a small hope that he will get his head on straight, get some help and come back honestly. I am hoping therapy will change that and get him out of my head and my heart...this has been the worst time of my life. Thanks for sharing.

[marshmlofluff]

I think I love you.

 

I hope there are men out there who think like you too.

 

Aww...thank you so much. To my surprise, I'm still getting rep'ed for that post two years later. It is funny how relationships come and go, but late-night posts on an Internet forum are forever.

 

If you're curious, I still see that ex on dating sites, searching for that ephemeral woman who shares all his interests and holds her fork the right way. He hasn't found her, and I'm pretty sure he never will.

 

He did eventually regret leaving. I know this only from some plaintive things he wrote online--as I broke all contact with him when he dumped me.

 

Since that breakup, I moved a state away, I changed careers, and I got a new life. That ex really was a joy to be with; he may well have been the perfect man for me at that time in my life. We honestly did get along really well, and I was shocked and devastated beyond belief when he left. But it's been two years--and my life has changed so much that he wouldn't at all be the sort I'd go for now. In fact, he is so far in my past that when I list my "serious" relationships, I don't even count that one among them. It's curious to think that once I thought I'd marry him.

 

And in two years, I also learned another important lesson. Two years ago, I wrote this:

 

If I meet a good man and a kind one, and he doesn't lie or cheat or abuse or otherwise treat me badly, I don't need him to subscribe to my left-center political views and share my interest in Renaissance Literature. Personally, if I find a good man who is 70% compatible with me, I will give him my love and my life--and whatever our incompatibilities or flaws, his commitment to me will make up the remaining 30%.

 

I still believe that.

 

But I took it too far in my next relationship. I got so carried away with the idea that "love" is a verb that I forgot the part in bold, which mattered just as much.

 

"Love" (to me) doesn't mean you need to share every interest or every political point of view. But "love" also doesn't mean you hang around and put up with everything anyone throws at you.

 

That is worth remembering, too.

[SweetSeul]

Thank you so much for the OP who started this and all the other people who were in similar situations and contributed their input. A lot of what was mentioned here sounds like what my ex might have been going through until he finally decided to end it.

 

We were together for six years. Most of it, in my opinion, quite good. He pursued me very heavily and was always very expressive about how he never felt like this blah blah...even throughout our last few months together, he was still very sweet and loving.

 

I explained to her that I didn't see a future with her anymore

 

By the time, we were three to four years into the relationship, he said he totally saw himself with me. Since he was the one who said this, that was the only time I started to seriously consider a future together and because he first brought it up, I guess I started to talk about it as well. I don't understand how you can envision yourself with someone and then suddenly it goes away after a few years? Is that just plain flakiness and uncertainty of who they really are and what they want in life?

 

My ex and I both agreed that we didn't believe in the concept of "the one". We both believed that you work to be "the one" for the person you're with and he often said "love is verb". I thought that was why our relationship lasted so long and was mostly quite good, because we both worked for it to be so.

 

We had to do long-distance for a while, and he spent heaps of money and went through a lot of paperwork to visit me overseas after 5 months of long distance. During his visit, it was like a honeymoon stage all over again and I felt even more how committed he was.

 

What I don't understand is how from the time he visited (3 months ago) to now, things would suddenly change? What happened between those 3 months in which his doubts overpowered his love (which I thought had been renewed by his visit)?

 

He told me there is no one else and I do believe him. I dont want to get back together because I feel he is too lost at the moment and may need to be single for a while to figure out what he wants.

 

But yeah, I wonder how you can go from believing someone is "it" and adamantly saying so, wanting to commit then suddenly feeling blah about that person. I get the whole falling out of love concept but I thought because of my ex's and my mutual beliefs about how love is an action, not a feeling, he wouldn't fall prey to such vagueness.

[loulou37]

But yeah, I wonder how you can go from believing someone is "it" and adamantly saying so, wanting to commit then suddenly feeling blah about that person. I get the whole falling out of love concept but I thought because of my ex's and my mutual beliefs about how love is an action, not a feeling, he wouldn't fall prey to such vagueness.

 

this is what i am having a problem with, my ex and me really connected on every level and we were very much in love, he told me he'd never loved anyone like he loved me, i was his world, now we hardly ever fell out, we adored each other...then BAM!! it's over, he can't do it anymore!!

 

Where does that love go?