Was breaking up with her a huge mistake?

[lolgirl]

i just flipped through this post and it was very informative. Thank you Anonymous, for shining some light on how my ex is feeling. It has really helped me accept the fact that we are indeed over.

[lolgirl]

And one more thing...you've given me hope that my future can be bright and happy once again!! Thank you!

[Anonymous82]

And one more thing...you've given me hope that my future can be bright and happy once again!! Thank you!

 

Thanks for reading and posting, and I'm glad my thoughts helped give you hope for the future! Break-ups are brutal, but as time continues to pass and you continue to gain distance from it, I think your perspective on your outlook will get better and better!

[Lady Rashomon]

Thanks for reading and posting, and I'm glad my thoughts helped give you hope for the future! Break-ups are brutal, but as time continues to pass and you continue to gain distance from it, I think your perspective on your outlook will get better and better!

 

Anonymous, how are things with the new lady?

[Anonymous82]

Anonymous, how are things with the new lady?

 

You may want to read further along in the thread...

 

I've been single for almost a year now. I've had some fun, and dated a bit, but no serious relationship since then. I recently moved to a new, much bigger city. Life is good!

[Baily]

the real answer...is only you know...no one can tell what the future will bring...if she was the best one for you or if you are just having regret.

 

being alone after a break up is awkward....and feels strange....but know it'll pass.

[Lady Rashomon]

You may want to read further along in the thread...

 

I've been single for almost a year now. I've had some fun, and dated a bit, but no serious relationship since then. I recently moved to a new, much bigger city. Life is good!

 

Sweet! So great to know you are happy and thriving. I think it's imperative to take time to get to know yourself and have fun before settling into anything serious after getting out of a LTR.

[Fishman]

Outstanding post. I agree that a lot of people tend to look for reasons to get out of a relationship rather than stick it out and really try to work on things.

 

I don't think it's because people are generally lazy. We are all heroes in our own story. We think about events and methods in our own terms, based on our own experiences and histories. And we make judgments on people because of that. Being accepting and compassionate to other people's needs in the end really means that we see that we can be just as if not more flawed than the person we are dealing with. It means putting the ego aside and trying to live in their shoes, if only for a moment, and even if you don't agree with how they got there. I think that is a very difficult thing to do with someone you are close to sometimes, because we all feel they should know better sometimes.

 

Anyways, I really liked your post. And I think someone would be lucky to have you with your attitude. It's how I would like to live from now on. Good luck.

[lost my keys]

I just wanted to add my thanks to Anonymous for the original post and for everyone who has contributed to it over the last couple of years. I've read every reply.

 

I've just been through exactly the same situation where my ex could not really put his finger on why I wasn't the one for him - the inner conflict between how right I was for him in his head against the doubts he felt deep in his heart. I also know that he cared enough for me to not want to hurt me and the thought of doing so killed him. I spent a few months making excuses for him (putting it down to other stressors in his life) and also I think I thought that if I loved him enough it would enable change or solve his problems. The more he pulled back, the more I gave etc.

 

I've always been a great believer in trying to make relationships work as I do think people give up too easily a lot of the time, but somewhere in all of that, with all the giving and loving I was doing, I neglected to love myself first and realise what was important to me and the values I hold. My ex is an adult, he doesn't need someone to rescue him (we're both in our 30s), he had already let go of the relationship deep down but with enough good feeling for me remaining to not actually let me go.

 

Anyway long story short, I initiated the break up and it's only been a few weeks. I miss him every day and he said he misses me too, but this thread has helped to reaffirm my thoughts that it was entirely the right thing to do. I want to be with someone who is crazy about me as much as I am about them and as much as you can love/ care for a person, if one person is investing more than the other or doing more of the loving to try to reel the other person back then that's not a fulfilling relationship. I don't blame my ex or feel anger towards him for what happened and if anything I'm glad we have walked away now before we let it destroy us because I think in time we may even be able to be friends. The break now ensures we can each give it the perspective it needs and we're currently not in contact.

 

What I have learned this past few weeks is a lot about myself and what is important to me and I think some pain in the short term is better than hanging on in there hoping for change that might never come. I do think my ex had some issues with commitment (always pushing forward in the beginning then backing off as we got closer to actually committing) but I also think that by me overcompensating for him distancing himself, I made my own mistakes. I didn't walk away as a shock tactic, I did it because I don't want his love if it's not the most natural thing in the world for him to give it to me. I don't want him to have to change who he is for me as I fell in love with him exactly how he was. Don’t get me wrong it’s devastating that he doesn't feel the same but that's the way it goes sometimes and I accept it. Likewise, I'm a really great girl with masses of love to offer and I'd almost got to the stage where I didn't feel safe to love him freely anymore and that made me sad. I want to be in a relationship where I can love and be loved back equally.

 

Whatever happens in the future as we go our separate ways, I know that I will always look back on what we had with fondness and I'm really excited to find the person who does 'just know' that I'm right for them.

 

So yeah, thanks again for helping me gain some more clarity and for enabling me to see things from the other side of the coin.

[marshmlofluff]

Thank you so much, Fishman. I appreciated your post.

 

That is a fascinating point that you make, that the issue may not be laziness as much as an inability to really understand and empathize with another person, and to recognize the flaws in ourself as well.

 

Though I would still claim that the two are related issues, because empathy is not like doing pull-ups; whereas not anyone is not capable of doing a pull-up, anyone is capable of empathy, with enough effort. So in the realm of feelings, in the end, isn't "can't" the same as "doesn't bother to?"

 

As a happy footnote to this post, since writing this post I have met someone else; before we began dating, we discussed extensively what I have written here. His philosophy on love is, I believe, far closer to my own. There was not a huge blaze of passion in the beginning, but I feel safe, comfortable and loved, and I am very happy, and adore him more and more.

 

Hugs and best of luck to you.

[Ms Darcy]

I agree with you. There is a middle ground everywhere.

[lolgirl]

You and me both lost! I broke it off with my BF about a month ago, and it was the exact same circumstance as you. After a month, I'm slowly starting to come to the same realization as you. And I'm already focusing on the things in my life that are truly important in life, and things that I'm passionate for. Like you, my ex also pushed hard for a commitment in the beginning, then backed off for reasons ranging from work stress to a "gut feeling" that we're not meant to be. So I left. And things in life are already starting to look up!

 

We will get through this, and we will both become better, stronger people.

[lost my keys]

You and me both lost! I broke it off with my BF about a month ago, and it was the exact same circumstance as you. After a month, I'm slowly starting to come to the same realization as you. And I'm already focusing on the things in my life that are truly important in life, and things that I'm passionate for. Like you, my ex also pushed hard for a commitment in the beginning, then backed off for reasons ranging from work stress to a "gut feeling" that we're not meant to be. So I left. And things in life are already starting to look up!

 

We will get through this, and we will both become better, stronger people.

 

Looking at these posts it's reassuring to know we are not alone in this crazy game of love. Of course it's sad when a relationship comes to an end where you've had a deep investment and what kind of lovers would we be if we just forgot the other person. It will take time to heal for both of us logirl because if your situation is like mine, there's no betrayal, no reason to dislike the person, still some feelings on both sides - just a realisation that it's not right. I tried to fight for us because it was right for me but I couldn't make him feel things and this thread and a lot of soul searching this past month has enabled me to 'get real' with myself and just be glad we had what we had when we did.

 

The future will be bright for both of us, you'll see! X

[lolgirl]

Youre so right, lost! It's hard for me because it goes in waves...one day I'm totally ok...the next day, I'm completely angry...the next day, I miss him terribly. (Today was definitely an "angry" day, and I have no idea why.) When we were together, we never had one fight, one disagreement, and I have no reason to hate him. A week ago (4 weeks after our breakup, and our first conversation since then), we had a short conversation on the phone (no intentions of trying to get back together), and I told him that even though he's going through a lot in his life, and even though he's been burned in the past by other girls, I will always be there for him...and I swear he sounded like he was tearing up. He couldn't even tell me what he was feeling in his heart, he was literally stuttering and then said that he couldn't tell me how he was feeling. (Sidenote: I think he just feels too guilty that we are over, but thats just me....it's not like he was crying that he missed me! Otherwise, he would tell me!) He really is a good hearted guy, and I respect him for letting me go after several months of dating instead of dragging it out for years, but bottom line is, he just doesn't know what the heck he wants!

 

The thought of us not being together solidifies into my mind (and my heart) a little more each day, but its still so hard. And the thought that drives me even more crazy, is that I wonder if he feels the same way. Thats where anonymous's post helps me out so much. I know in the long run, this is good for both of us. But for right now, it's still so ridiculously hard.

 

*siiigh*. In other news, I'm trying out online dating for the first time ever. So far, its not as bad as I thought.

[lost my keys]

I know what you mean, your emotions go through a roller coaster pattern. The hardest bit is knowing that our men DO actually love us but not enough. We can't sell ourselves short by staying and allowing them to only half love us. It's ok to want more than that and I know it exists because I've seen it in others and felt it myself in past relationships.

Before the break up I too questioned everything and felt confused but the reality is the way your ex (and mine) feels currently is probably more guilt and fear of being alone than whether it was the right choice or not. My ex and I spoke too after about a month and it was like he couldn't actually feel anything, good or bad so I get that it's hard on him too and why wouldn't it be - in his head I'm everything he wants.

So, hard as it is you just have to ride out the tough/ angry/ sad days and even if limbo is a * * * * place to be for now, better that than rush into something so you're not alone or go back for the wrong reasons. The hurt you feel now ensures your future so that when you do meet Mr Butt Crazy About You, your relationship won't be spoilt by paranoia, just made safe with intelligence.

 

Xxx

[lolgirl]

Omg...are we dating the same guy?? Lol! I hate how my ex feels guilty...I don't need his pity!! It's like, how hard is it to show that you care?? Sometimes I feel so sorry for him that he's so emotionally numb. I'm holding myself together, but it definitely is easier now than it was a month ago. I'm so much more motivated in other things in life, but there are still some times when its hard. My heart closes up to him a little more with each passing day...I think thats what hurts the most. I still wonder sometimes if one day, he'll realize that I'm the one that got away. Or maybe not...who knows. Only time will tell...

[Anonymous82]

I want to be with someone who is crazy about me as much as I am about them and as much as you can love/ care for a person, if one person is investing more than the other or doing more of the loving to try to reel the other person back then that's not a fulfilling relationship.

 

So true... lost my keys, thanks for the post. I think you have an outstanding perspective on things, and you are handling it all beautifully.

 

I'd also say the same for lolgirl... I've been reading the exchanges between you two in this thread, and it's remarkable how much different relationships and break-ups between different people living in different parts of the world can have in common.

[lost my keys]

Yeah it's just men!! The common denominator I think most really are from Mars!

 

I do actually have faith that there are men out there who are willing to give back and open up their hearts to their ladies. It's sad my man couldn't because he is an awesome guy. It's also sad that he's rebounding to brush all of this under the carpet, so out of the two of us he will probably feel hurt for longer because he's delaying facing it.

 

Life is certainly a journey that's for sure. X

[lost my keys]

PS thanks Anonymous! I'm not a stranger to having my heart broken and I've done a LOT of soul searching to get to this state of

mind. I feel positive though despite the hurt and although I miss him so much I'm trying to be grown up about things so when the hurt passes we can keep each other in our lives in the friendzone (but not a minute before!

[Impreza]

Hey Annonymous,

 

Just thought i'd thank you for your input over the years to this thread. I'm going through a breakup with my ex of 7 years, and the posts in this thread have really helped me over the last week.

 

You really helped me see that there was no going back, and to move on. I feel that all the advice I received from friends and family really wasn't helping, until i found these forums.

 

Thanks for sharing your story.

[Anonymous82]

Hey Annonymous,

 

Just thought i'd thank you for your input over the years to this thread. I'm going through a breakup with my ex of 7 years, and the posts in this thread have really helped me over the last week.

 

You really helped me see that there was no going back, and to move on. I feel that all the advice I received from friends and family really wasn't helping, until i found these forums.

 

Thanks for sharing your story.

 

Thanks for the words. Everyone here was so helpful a couple years ago when I was going through my break-up, and I think it's so great that all our posts from back then are still helping people today. Best wishes to you with your recent break-up.

[britomart]

Anonymous82:

 

I apologize if this question has already been asked before, but when you broke up with her, were you still "in love" with her (not sure if there's a better way to phrase), but you felt she wasn't the one? Or was there a fading of romantic feelings?

[Anonymous82]

Anonymous82:

 

I apologize if this question has already been asked before, but when you broke up with her, were you still "in love" with her (not sure if there's a better way to phrase), but you felt she wasn't the one? Or was there a fading of romantic feelings?

 

In the relationship that was the original basis of this thread, there was definitely a significant fading of romantic feelings over the course of it. I still loved her, and we had become codependent in many ways, but I don't think I was in love with her anymore (and I'm not sure I ever was, though it's tough to define "in love" and the points at which the feeling first starts or ends). In the second relationship, I felt pretty sure I was "in love" with her early on, but as the relationship went on, it too faded.

 

In the first relationship, after I broke up with her, as evidenced by my early posts in this thread, I started to experience very strong feelings toward her and thinking I was in love with her and had been all along. However, as time passed and I gained distance from the relationship and the break-up, I came to realize these feelings were really just the result of missing her and missing the feeling of having someone in my life, not of being in love with her. In the second relationship, I experienced some of these feelings again, but not nearly too the same extent and they faded pretty quickly. I think this was because of my previous experience and the fact that the second break-up was more mutual, didn't catch her by surprise, and wasn't so devastating to her and painful for both of us.

 

I think many people who end a serious relationship with someone who hasn't wronged them in any way experience feelings similar to this, as many have expressed in this thread.

 

I hope this helps explain things for you.

[britomart]

Thank you - you have been a great help.

 

I had read this thread early on in my time here, but it wasn't until now that it really resonated with me. I suppose I wasn't able to relate to it earlier as I was not even anywhere close to the acceptance stage yet.

 

It feels like a lot of people who do the breaking up never explain their reasons when even confronted with the question, or will do so but later confuse the dumpee by appearing wishy-washy. They don't do it deliberately most of the time but rather because they're unable to express themselves in a mature manner. (IMHO)

 

So your honesty is refreshing. It sheds some light on "Why did he dump me?" question that mystifies dumpees everywhere.

 

Again, thanks!

[Anonymous82]

You're welcome.

 

I always try to be as honest and straightforward as possible. I think there are two reasons the "Why are you breaking up with me?" question can be tough to answer, at least in my own experience.

 

The first is that at the time of the break-up, when your partner never did anything to hurt you but you've simply "fallen out of love" with her, can no longer see a future with her, feel she isn't "the one", etc., as much as you express this, it's understandably never going to be a satisfactory explanation. Your partner will ask for more details or a better explanation, but often there just isn't one, at least at the time.

 

The second is that later on, after the break-up and once the reasons start to become clearer to you, it may just be hurtful to your partner to express them. My ex (from the first relationship) e-mailed me about a month later asking me to take her back and wanting more details about why I broke up with her. By this point, I was completely confident in my decision and had specific details in my mind as to why I did it. However, I felt providing her with these details would only hurt her more, so I initially chose to be honest but vague. She pushed harder for more of an explanation, and I eventually decided to be more brutally honest with her about my reasons. My e-mail to her explaining them was the last contact I had with her (other than exchanging short birthday cards in the next couple months), and while I tried to write it in as kind and polite a manner as I could, I'm sure it still hurt her tremendously. In retrospect, while I know I was hesitant and only did it because she asked repeatedly, I can't help but wonder if giving her all that detail only hurt her more and really wasn't necessary.