shikashika Posted February 19, 2008 Author Share Posted February 19, 2008 Well, I don't think you can ask people not to be disappointed. If someone wants you there, of course they may feel a bit disappointed! However, they cannot "expect" people to come and need to factor in some won't (and other than your friend....I think most do...as I said I have turned down such invitations without much problem from their side before; very understanding). I know... i know it is disappointing for her, because i don't think she realised all of her friends would turn it down. I don't think she realises that its disappointing for many of the people who have turned down the invitation as many of them would love to be able to go. She is still sending around emails to other friends, who really DON'T have the money and giving them links to websites where perhaps they could find cheaper deals! They already said the couldn't go.. i think its is really unfair to put that kind of pressure on people. I know she asked her brother to see if ie could get a loan off someone so he could afford to go. i just think thats unfair to her brother and our other friends who don't have much cash! Link to comment
shikashika Posted February 19, 2008 Author Share Posted February 19, 2008 I guess i am a strange one. I don't plan my vacations (they are too sparse) to match someone's wedding destination. If this happened to me i'd have no qualms aobut declining the invite. I am too old to do things I don't really want to do. LOL My friends know this about me. ha ha.. i agree. Link to comment
annie24 Posted February 19, 2008 Share Posted February 19, 2008 yeah, especially some people who only get like 14 vacation days a year, like in the US, they may choose to use those 14 vacation days for visiting relatives during the holidays, not on a jamaican vacation.... Link to comment
annie24 Posted February 19, 2008 Share Posted February 19, 2008 I know... i know it is disappointing for her, because i don't think she realised all of her friends would turn it down. I don't think she realises that its disappointing for many of the people who have turned down the invitation as many of them would love to be able to go. She is still sending around emails to other friends, who really DON'T have the money and giving them links to websites where perhaps they could find cheaper deals! They already said the couldn't go.. i think its is really unfair to put that kind of pressure on people. I know she asked her brother to see if ie could get a loan off someone so he could afford to go. i just think thats unfair to her brother and our other friends who don't have much cash! maybe she should find richer friends..... Link to comment
RayKay Posted February 19, 2008 Share Posted February 19, 2008 I know... i know it is disappointing for her, because i don't think she realised all of her friends would turn it down. I don't think she realises that its disappointing for many of the people who have turned down the invitation as many of them would love to be able to go. She is still sending around emails to other friends, who really DON'T have the money and giving them links to websites where perhaps they could find cheaper deals! They already said the couldn't go.. i think its is really unfair to put that kind of pressure on people. I know she asked her brother to see if ie could get a loan off someone so he could afford to go. i just think thats unfair to her brother and our other friends who don't have much cash! Yes, I think the pressure is quite unfair. Like I said, fine for her to be disappointed, but she needs to "expect" that and accept that is part of risk of planning a destination wedding and leave it alone. FYI the people I know whom had destination weddings had usually under 10 people attend, and also did the big party thing when they returned. Those whom went had a blast, but the couple cannot expect everyone to be able to manage it (most people have careers, kids, and well, other vacation plans!). Link to comment
shikashika Posted February 19, 2008 Author Share Posted February 19, 2008 The best part is her fiance who said the other day how he was pissed off about having to have this other reception when they came back because of all these people who won't go to Mexico... so now they have to go into more debt to host a reception for these people when they get back.. ahhh.. i just need to win the lottery so throwing around 3000 is no problem...oh yeah and that i get an extra 10 weeks of holiday or something Link to comment
annie24 Posted February 19, 2008 Share Posted February 19, 2008 they don't HAVE to have a reception..... last time my mom got married i wasn't even invited..... Link to comment
RayKay Posted February 19, 2008 Share Posted February 19, 2008 they don't HAVE to have a reception..... last time my mom got married i wasn't even invited..... LOL Annie, you always manage to crack me up. I got invited to my dad's wedding (at civil hall)....it was only a few days after my parents divorced. I was only around 7 or so at the time so did not think much of it then...but that was weird in retrospect! I almost want to have a destination wedding to avoid inviting him to be honest and avoid the drama as I know he would not come.....or maybe elope haha (I know that sounds bad but lets just say he has not been the greatest father over the years....and it's a bit of a strange situation). Link to comment
annie24 Posted February 19, 2008 Share Posted February 19, 2008 no, i am serious. she didn't!!!! she eloped with this man she was dating for 4 weeks. civil ceremony. i offered to be her witness, she said no, they had a couple to do it for them. i said i wanted to be there, she said no. i think she didn't want me raising a scene or something, because she knew i was against the idea of her marrying a man she barely knew. sheesh, i wonder why? she thinks it's because i wouldn't like any man who is not my dad, but that is not true at all. 4 weeks is insane. but i digress.... Link to comment
RayKay Posted February 19, 2008 Share Posted February 19, 2008 Oh I believed it was true Annie, but that is exactly why you always crack me up...because I know it is true (not laughing AT you...with you ). Link to comment
anna0511 Posted February 19, 2008 Share Posted February 19, 2008 I actually feel kinda bad for your friend. I think she must have realized that not all of her friends would be able to make it, but never would have thought that none of her friends would go. Even though it's unfair that she is putting pressure on everyone to come, I don't blame her one bit for being disappointed, especially if she knew that at least one of her good friends could afford to go but choose not to. She probably wanted to have her dream wedding at a destination with close family and friends, and now is desperate just to have a few people that she cares about come and share her special day. Maybe when she makes light-hearted comments like "I'll forgive you if you don't come" and such, she is just trying to mask stronger feelings of guilt, regret, and disappointment. Link to comment
shikashika Posted February 19, 2008 Author Share Posted February 19, 2008 I actually feel kinda bad for your friend. I think she must have realized that not all of her friends would be able to make it, but never would have thought that none of her friends would go. Even though it's unfair that she is putting pressure on everyone to come, I don't blame her one bit for being disappointed, especially if she knew that at least one of her good friends could afford to go but choose not to. She probably wanted to have her dream wedding at a destination with close family and friends, and now is desperate just to have a few people that she cares about come and share her special day. Maybe when she makes light-hearted comments like "I'll forgive you if you don't come" and such, she is just trying to mask stronger feelings of guilt, regret, and disappointment. Maybe.... but when talking to people about destination weddings or reading about people who want to do them, they say "Its about US" or "The point of a destination wedding is that its a about the bride and the groom and what they want" or "This is what we want, not our guests" Fair enough.... of course they can do what they want....but thats what happens when you have a wedding in Mexico... its about THEM, so it shouldn't really matter if ANYONE shows up... they made that decision when the decided to get married there. I have no sympathy when they make a decision like that. If a destination is really what they want, then it shouldn't matter if its just the two of them. Link to comment
midnightrambler Posted February 19, 2008 Share Posted February 19, 2008 i agree, but I am sure reasonable people don't expect everyone to fly to Mexico......I went to one and Mom paid for my ticket because i wasn't going to go. Link to comment
anna0511 Posted February 19, 2008 Share Posted February 19, 2008 Maybe.... but when talking to people about destination weddings or reading about people who want to do them, they say "Its about US" or "The point of a destination wedding is that its a about the bride and the groom and what they want" or "This is what we want, not our guests" Fair enough.... of course they can do what they want....but thats what happens when you have a wedding in Mexico... its about THEM, so it shouldn't really matter if ANYONE shows up... they made that decision when the decided to get married there. I have no sympathy when they make a decision like that. If a destination is really what they want, then it shouldn't matter if its just the two of them. If it didn't matter whether anyone showed up, then they would have eloped. Instead, they chose to have a destination wedding and sent out invitations so obviously they want to share this event with people who are close to them. You're right, this is about what they want and they happen to want you there. They were probably hoping that you would want to be there too. It's not really up to you to decide what should or should not matter to them. Link to comment
shikashika Posted February 19, 2008 Author Share Posted February 19, 2008 If it didn't matter whether anyone showed up, then they would have eloped. Instead, they chose to have a destination wedding and sent out invitations so obviously they want to share this event with people who are close to them. You're right, this is about what they want and they happen to want you there. They were probably hoping that you would want to be there too. It's not really up to you to decide what should or should not matter to them. no... as i said earlier, people should do whatever their heart desires when they get married...but when their heart's desire is to have their friends use up holiday time and pay thousands of dollars, then yes it does matter to the guests! edited to add: if they wanted to share this event with people who are close to them, if that was so important... why get married so far away? If it was that important, they would have gotten married here. if they sent out invitations and happily shrugged off the fact that hardley anyone was attending, sure, thats fine...but they are not Link to comment
grendel Posted February 19, 2008 Share Posted February 19, 2008 Oh man, this thread is making me feel guilty. When I got married we decided to do so rather on the spur of the moment and planned the event to be about a month away. I have two friends who live hundreds of miles away and I live where there is very inhospitable weather and this was February. Still I invited my two friends, despite the fact it was a bare-bones wedding with no catered meals or anything of the sort. I offered to pay for their travel but perhaps they didn't believe me. I have this way of not communicating properly. I told them I definitely did not want gifts. Well, both my friends came. They brought gifts. I did at least take them out to dinner a couple times. This was three years ago and I feel guilty whenever I think of it. We basically eloped, so what possessed me to invite others to an elopement? It's like I had some buried desire to have a "big wedding". I shouldn't have invited them. It kind of puts a stain on the day. I've told them how guilty I felt and they said it was their own choice and I shouldn't feel guilty. Do I need to feel guilty about this for the rest of my days? What good does feeling guilty do? I am trying to get my two friends good stuff for their birthdays ever since, as a way of trying to make it up to them, but one of them outdid my gifts! I think the friendships would be less strained today if I hadn't gone and done that. Sorry to talk about myself in someone else's thread. I don't know that I really want the attention of starting my own thread so that's why I did it Link to comment
greenmonster Posted February 19, 2008 Share Posted February 19, 2008 a good friend of mine got married down in Miami...the girl he married is from there but he and his friends/family are all from back here in Texas. When it was first announced that they were having it down there he told all his groomsmen that all we had to pay for was the flight down and he/his family would cover everything else. once we got down there all he had "covered" was making hotel reservations. so here 6 groomsmen 3 ushers fly down there...all of us bring our girlfriends/wives...and he hadn't even arranged for us to be picked up at the airport or anything. we had to rent 2 vans to bus us all around, we went to the hotel and it was some 5 star joint that was like $340 a night with the wedding party discount for our rooms(which we quickly cancelled the reservations and went to a cheaper hotel), and then the guy even had the stones to ask us to shell out $150 each for our tux rentals...The only thing that he covered for the whole wedding was the rehersal dinner...even the reception had a frickin cash bar... needless to say...this pissed off every one of us because we all know this guy, and that his parents have money, so does he, but they are just so cheap that they forced us into a situation where we had to pay our own way to go to his wedding... basically...it cost us all well over $1,200 each to attend his wedding...and we never even got an appology or a thank you for everything...after that we all just stopped talking to him pretty much...no point in having cheap skate friends like that that just lie to you. destination weddings are fine as long as you cover the bill to get the wedding party down to wherever you're going....but if not then don't expect them to and don't even act like you expect ANYONE to show...its very selfish to expect that. when you get back, throw a big party and invite your friends to that... Link to comment
shikashika Posted February 19, 2008 Author Share Posted February 19, 2008 that sucks greenmoster! no, they aren't offering to pay for anything for anyone.. best man.. or me, maid of honor. In fact, she also wants me to organise a trip to Vegas for her stagette!!! here's another thing..since they both work in schools, and the wedding is in the summer, they get that time off anyway... so i don't think they really understand having to use valuable holiday time. If i decided to get married during the school year overseas (which i wouldn't!!!)... there's no way the two of them could take time off then, pay a sub and go to a wedding. I don't mind paying a bit... but i know they even admit they are hoping more people attend the wedding in Mexico, because then the resort will give them a discount!!! Link to comment
metrogirl Posted February 19, 2008 Share Posted February 19, 2008 One of my closest friends wants to get married in Hawaii. I told her right from the beginning that I probably wouldn't be able to go. The extent of my vacations with her is usually a weekender to Vegas or San Diego. Hawaii would be so out of my budget. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted February 20, 2008 Share Posted February 20, 2008 In the olden days (late 80s early 90s) it used to be that the bride paid for all or part of the bridesmaids dresses. And bridal showers were modest affairs in someone's house and the bride's parents paid for it. One really great thing i noticed with a few of my friends who got married or had kids or both in the last few years - they got me really nice bday presents or other presents which seemed to be sort of a "thank you" for the gifts I gave them for their weddings or kids, etc (since in the past we hadn't exchanged gifts). And I received a gorgeous designer wallet as a bridesmaid gift from my cousin. Link to comment
annie24 Posted March 10, 2008 Share Posted March 10, 2008 so....... what's the verdict? are you going to the wedding? Link to comment
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