For women in their 30s and up mainly

[Batya33]

I think it's unfair to the gender to lower expectations of an entire gender in that way and in that area. I am wired to want lots of carbs when it's that time of the month. But if I promised someone not to eat lots of carbs, I would stick to the promise because I am a person who upholds her promises despite wiring. That's what I see as the flaw in your argument - that wiring automatically precludes someone from using his head (and I am not saying I agree with your wiring theory just commenting that if it is true, it doesn't mean that men cannot be faithful).

 

My father's been faithful to my mother for 51 years, 11 months and 8 days or so. So far, so good.

[RayKay]

I think it's unfair to the gender to lower expectations of an entire gender in that way and in that area. I am wired to want lots of carbs when it's that time of the month. But if I promised someone not to eat lots of carbs, I would stick to the promise because I am a person who upholds her promises despite wiring. That's what I see as the flaw in your argument - that wiring automatically precludes someone from using his head (and I am not saying I agree with your wiring theory just commenting that if it is true, it doesn't mean that men cannot be faithful).

 

My father's been faithful to my mother for 51 years, 11 months and 8 days or so. So far, so good.

 

Agreed.

 

One of the attributes of being human is the ability to reason and make conscious decisions; whatever our "impulse" may be. For me, it is in fact an important character trait in a person that they recognize this ability to make decisions based on more than just biological impulse.

[Tethys]

As a woman in her mid-thirties, no, I don't worry about younger women. I too feel it has little to do with age -- women of all ages are attractive for a variety of reasons to men. I'd be more concerned, as someone mentioned earlier (Batya?) of my boyfriend finding someone he felt had more in common with him than I.

[JadedStar]

I'd be more concerned, as someone mentioned earlier (Batya?) of my boyfriend finding someone he felt had more in common with him than I.

 

I think that this, yes, is the most common thing to fear in this area...

[Miss Firecracker]

Yes, JS, I also agree with this.

 

I would be worried you would take my husband since you are into sports. It is something that I think about, especially during football season. Please don't take him, please?

[JadedStar]

Yes, JS, I also agree with this.

 

I would be worried you would take my husband since you are into sports. It is something that I think about, especially during football season. Please don't take him, please?

 

LOL I will try very hard to refrain Miss F.

 

IF he is a Giants fan...I dunno....

[PreciousPrincess]

A lot of good stuff in here. I will be 40 this year and am not threatened by younger women. However, with that being said, I also take the time to ensure my husband is satisfied and vice versa. The reason I don't feel threatened is he validates me and honors me as his wife. I give him no reason to want to look elsewhere

[shikashika]

I'm only 30, so maybe i'm ignorant...but i just haven't seent his sort of thing happening yet in my life or my friends' lives.

 

maybe its more that old is a state of mind, than just body. sure, you have to look after your body , and take some carein your appearance and dress, but i don't hink of 30's as old...

 

Maybe when I'm in my 60's... ha ha!

 

I meet some people my age and older who are as boring as batpoo and are just so dull.

 

I guess i've never worried about it because i don't feel old at all. 30 is young!

[Batya33]

LOL I will try very hard to refrain Miss F.

 

IF he is a Giants fan...I dunno....

 

JS - this reminds me of the football quiz scene in the movie Diner - classic

 

for those of you who did not see it - on the eve of their wedding day the groom requires the bride to pass a football quiz as a condition to him walking down the aisle. I won't spoil it for those who haven't seen it.

 

I also get slightly insecure about women who know sports - I did a bit of learnin' myself on baseball for that reason.

[Maya_A]

Gosh, what a thread... I've read a good deal of it but not all replies, so I'll stick to the original question & bypass some of the interesting offshoot tangents...

 

I am 34, and had never worried about younger women being a threat to my relationships until I did something I never dreamed I would do, and became interested in someone 7 years younger than me. Age imbalance in dating can trigger this for some, and if I am honest, this did bring about insecurities. I work in the fitness industry & am in great physio. shape, look youthful enough, etc., but I was still worried that this person would compare me to younger women & realize he might want to date someone closer to his own age, partially based on very youthful looks.

 

I'm not saying he was like that at all, only that it was my worry.

 

I suppose another point (if it has been brought up I apologize) is the stage of the relationship. If I'd been dating this younger guy for say, 5 years reasonably happily, and still taking excellent care of myself (this is impt.), this fear would not be there in the same way. I think the insecurity lies in the newness of it & wondering if he would get "cold feet", with the 19 & 20 year old beauties playing at least a part in that. And there are young, beautiful women who would make a great companion in all ways of course. It is not only a scenario of choosing merely the body (& nothing more) of someone younger over the established emotional content of a relationship with someone older... The younger ones might very well have the complete package...

 

I do know that men truly enjoy youthful looks... And I have to say, as a women I appreciate it as well in men. In my prior work as a counselor, I can't tell you how many men confided that they were losing physical attraction for their partners because they were aging in a certain way. These were not superficial men or superfical comments. They were very natural feelings and these men were very pained by these feelings. They wanted a way to change the feeling, not act on it. In the end, a pecentage would change it and a percentage would act on it.

 

These men also did not mention this to their partners & so they had no idea. Their sig. others might even be one of the ones saying "my partner would not be interested in someone younger". We might be surprised at how many men struggle with this. Even if they (hopefully) do not end up acting on it, it is something many do struggle with, and we might not have any idea, as not to be hurtful, they would not share this.

[Cimmie]

Agreed.

 

One of the attributes of being human is the ability to reason and make conscious decisions; whatever our "impulse" may be. For me, it is in fact an important character trait in a person that they recognize this ability to make decisions based on more than just biological impulse.

 

I guess my point is that the sexual drive is one of the strongest drives we experience as humans. In addition, there are issues for men around validation, novelty and so on. It can be awfully hard for a man to turn down a chance to sleep with a young attractive woman who throws herself at him. To a large extent (and an extent much less well known to most 'nice' girls from nice families) male sexuality is about opportunism.

 

I know gay men who have slept with lots of ostensibly 'straight' guys with girlfriends and wives, for instance. I'm sure these women would never DREAM that their partners are cruising gay bars in their spare time. There is a lot more of it about than you would think, and women understand a lot less about men than they like to think.

 

Also, if it's not a common insecurity, why are there so many women on this thread saying 'I make sure I keep myself in shape and keep my man satisfied'?

A human sexual relationship is a deal that is very easily reneged on.

[Batya33]

I am 100% sure my bf would not take the opportunity you wrote about in your post unless he was drugged or otherwise incapacitated (and then it wouldn't be his choice). And he is 100% straight and a man in every sense of the word. Even if he wasn't dating me and was single, he would not be interested in that situation (i.e. a one night stand or similar). And I don't find him unusual or "wonderful" for being that way - I find him loyal and committed and I find that he acts consistently with his values and character.

 

You can always look at things from a cynical perspective, Cimmie. But what's the point?

[RayKay]

I don't think the comments on gay bars would surprise me; my brother is gay and has said there are many men with wives/girlfriends whom visit them. I would argue they are not straight however. They are cheaters whom are just cheating with men. Their relationship covers up their life for them in some sense.

 

The point for me is that even a man with a strong sex drive can make CHOICES about that sex drive. He can find novelty with someone else...or he can work on novelty with his partner. It comes down to someone's values and principals, and his commitment. If he values his commitment it does not matter how many women throw themselves at him.

 

Even if it is "hard to do"; an honest, loving man DOES turn down someone throwing themselves at them. You can call me naive, but I do see this happen regularly too.

 

"Opportunism" can be said about many things...about seeing the chance to steal wealth, or lie about something.....but people with values and principles they believe in, that are fundamental to their sense of self and how they see themselves as a person....make CHOICES when faced with "opportunities".

 

I choose to be involved seriously with men whose values and principals are ones that do not fall within the line of "do it as I want too and screw everyone else". My partner is not a "casual sex" kind of guy and values intimacy on more than a "get his rocks off" kind of basis. He was like this BEFORE we started dating, and has been like this the entire time we have dated. He is truly a loyal person in every sense of the word.

 

I am sure that many people are insecure; but often the biggest threat to fidelity and commitment is not a younger woman....but both partners drifting apart from one another. Someone can cheat with someone of any age; and I know that of those men I know whom cheated, rarely was it with a woman much younger than them, or even younger than their partner for that matter.

 

I do keep in shape because it is for ME - I enjoy many physical activities and I enjoy how they make me feel. I also enjoy the benefit that it does keep things invigorated between my partner and I. That is not to do with fear of him cheating, but because it makes it more fun for US, and because for me part of my commitment to him is to care enough about HIM to care about myself.

[Cimmie]

Those are very eloquent posts, and you know, I do agree or want to in my heart. I am playing devil's advocate to a certain extent, largely because I lived with a man who was unable to commit to me and who took the opportunity with alacrity when it was presented to him.

 

It is, I guess, faulty logic to extrapolate from one bad experience, but unfortunately that experience is all I have to go on!

 

I guess it would be nice to meet a man who was that committed, open, and honest, but I see too much infideltiy happening around me to hold out much hope!

 

I find myself incapable of *imagining* the possibilty of trusting someone now. I guess that is something one can choose to work on, or not.

[Maya_A]

Batya,

 

To me, it doesn't feel like Cimmie is being cynical at all. That is more personalizing it, and to me it just came accross as her opinion on the topic. Identical for your opinion. I wouldn't say that you are being "naive" by opposition (personalizing it again), but stating your experience.

 

That said, I do have to agree somewhat along the lines of what Cimmie says. Yes, we all have the ability for responsible/conscious choice in these matters as you mention. But though millions have which is great, still, the majority of humanity in general have not reached levels of inner awareness or conscious evolution (including myself in dif. life areas - few are exempt) to be able to always override ego driven feelings/emotions vs. ones that come from a more healed, authentic self. That being the case, the choices made reflect this, meaning they are often ego/gut level driven choices.

 

As I have mentioned in my prior post, if you could be privy to the very private thoughts of people (men in this case), thoughts that they do not share with their sig. others. Working in the field of counseling is a real eye opener. Many, many, men, and good, decent men of character, struggle very much with sexual impulses. The way a woman ages physically vs. youthful looks is also an extremely common point of struggle for men in the attraction area.

 

I would never question your own situation that you feel very sure of, but can only tell you that these things have happened where the female partner was left dumbfounded, stating that she would have sworn on her very life that her partner would never have done such a thing.

 

Cheating is HUGE in our society unfortunately... And whether they leave the sig. other or just cheat in order to experience someone younger physically, it is going along the same lines in terms being a "threat" to relationships...

 

It is not so much that these women themselves are a threat, they aren't. It is that humanity has not evolved enough or inwardly connected enough (so much is externally based, included pleasure seeking) for the whole thing not to be an issue. And this is not an "excuse" but sort of just a very sad fact of current times. As we evolve more consciously as a species (& I think we are headed there) such things would become less of a happening because within our ability to make choices as you mention, more conscious ones coming from a spiritual, inwardly healed, authentic self would be made in place of external ego choices.

[Batya33]

Thanks for sharing. I found several of Cimmie's statements to be very generalizing in a negative way about men. We can disagree on that, of course!

 

I love the way you write!

[Maya_A]

Batya - thanks.

 

You write very nicely as well....

 

Have a great day...

[KAT MOMMY]

Look-you are only as old as you feel. Not that a younger woman has nothing to offer or nothing in common that is an understatement indeed! There are many things that we as young women can actually teach older men who are most of the time stuck in their ways. Bayta I like you and your point of view (sometimes) just be sure to leave yourself open for someone new-stay vibrant, free and full of life-you won't have to wonder-you know you got your man all to yourself!

[Miss Firecracker]

To me, it doesn't feel like Cimmie is being cynical at all. That is more personalizing it, and to me it just came accross as her opinion on the topic.

 

I agree. Cimmie is just being honest and open about her experience. And I don't ever see her as trying to shove this belief she has onto others. She is just sharing it.

[Batya33]

I agree. Cimmie is just being honest and open about her experience. And I don't ever see her as trying to shove this belief she has onto others. She is just sharing it.

 

I completely agree. I just think she has a cynical point of view about men, not just the men she has come in contact with.

[Dako]

Cimmie is a fine woman who deserves more from a relationship that she's had.

As a man, I don't blame her for her feelings. Some men are beyond redemption.

I once considered women in a similar light, but discovered I was absolutely wrong.

 

I truly hope she has as much luck.

[Daddy Bear]

Cimmie is a fine woman who deserves more from a relationship that she's had.

As a man, I don't blame her for her feelings. Some men are beyond redemption.

I once considered women in a similar light, but discovered I was absolutely wrong.

 

I truly hope she has as much luck.

Hear, hear. Cimmie is a fine woman inside (as you all know from the graceful sentience found in her posts) and out (I have two lovely photos on my hard drive). Though she knows we're in academic disagreement on the subject of the near-universality of male callowness and callousness, I've long since concluded that she's well within her right to feel and express as she does.

 

Cimmie does deserve far better than the shrift she got in her last relationship. I look forward to reading soon of her scales balancing out.

[Batya33]

I completely agree and look forward to the same.

[Cimmie]

Thanks guys! Even though I am a cynical old witch, it's nice to read the positive sentiments on a Monday morning

 

I fully agree with Batya that I am cynical. But that is based on my experience to a large extent. Some of it is defensive, but not much. It seems to me to be a rational enough response.

 

And I fully acknowledge that women can be unfaithful as easily as men. It's just that the consequences are potentially more serious (as with all sexual encounters for women). I just don't think we should posit a false equality between the sexes when it comes to sexuality. It's a balance between instinct and reason, but sexual impulses are strong, and I do think that women often misunderstand men in this regard (and vice versa). But we could all argue until we're blue in the face about this. As Maya A said, it's a matter of opinion, and opinions are formed from personal experiences.

[DN]

There is a difference between being realistic and being cynical. As was once said, a cynic is someone who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.