For women in their 30s and up mainly

[Miss Firecracker]

Not everyone does believe in marriage. That is true. But I've seen many situations where a woman has convinced herself that she doesn't because the man supposedly doesn't.

 

One friend I had would tell me that her boyfriend wasn't interested in marriage at all, never wanted that for himself. So she stuck with him for a very long time. She accidentally became pregnant, and he didn't want to be a father either. She aborted her child, and within a few months he met another woman and married her. It devastated this girl.

[Batya33]

I have seen this too, several times.

 

But just because he married the other woman doesn't mean he believes in marriage. He might have just done it because he didn't want to lose the girl and who knows if his actions will reflect the marriage vows.....

[Natty7]

What I did comment on was your focus and your bf's focus on believing that since you each fell in love with the particular looks and body you had at the time you needed to stay that way in order to maintain the "in love" part of your relationship.

 

Nah~ but like another poster in the past that I gave advice to~

 

I would feel cheated if my b/f just discontinued his religious exercise routine after years and years of having it. I mean, I wouldn't feel any less for him, but if he gained significant weight for no apparent reason (other than the fact that he fell into this "comfort zone" with me) I would feel cheated.

 

Like I said before, looks aren't everything. But I do want him to stay and shape and be healthy. I want him to continue this. And I think nothing is wrong with wanting to look good for your partner. Maybe not enough people feel that way and after a few decades with someone, you might look and think "well what the hell happened here?"

 

 

 

 

Also, I wanted to mention that these older guys in younger relationships have insecurities as well. I can vouch for that. So it's not just older women, or even women in general. I have to hear it every so often from my guy.

[Natty7]

I have seen this too, several times.

 

But just because he married the other woman doesn't mean he believes in marriage. He might have just done it because he didn't want to lose the girl and who knows if his actions will reflect the marriage vows.....

 

And that's what really sucks. They should reflect them and I know in a lot of instances they just simply don't.

 

Why?

[midnightrambler]

Nah~ but like another poster in the past that I gave advice to~

 

I would feel cheated if my b/f just discontinued his religious exercise routine after years and years of having it. I mean, I wouldn't feel any less for him, but if he gained significant weight for no apparent reason (other than the fact that he fell into this "comfort zone" with me) I would feel cheated.

 

Like I said before, looks aren't everything. But I do want him to stay and shape and be healthy. I want him to continue this. And I think nothing is wrong with wanting to look good for your partner. Maybe not enough people feel that way and after a few decades with someone, you might look and think "well what the hell happened here?"

 

 

 

 

Also, I wanted to mention that these older guys in younger relationships have insecurities as well. I can vouch for that. So it's not just older women, or even women in general. I have to hear it every so often from my guy.[/quote

 

 

try getting to the gym with Dad 's kids playing sports......

[Batya33]

Because not everyone gets married in order to be in a long term committed loving relationship, not everyone signs up for "for better or for worse" when the going gets tough. I've seen friends settle, seen them go through with it because the wedding was all planned, because it was "time to settle down" but not for the right reasons, etc.

 

and then there are those who sign up for all those responsibilities and commitments but life happens and they cannot make it work.

[Natty7]

try getting to the gym with Dad 's kids playing sports......

 

???? ha ha

[Miss Firecracker]

I have seen this too, several times.

 

But just because he married the other woman doesn't mean he believes in marriage. He might have just done it because he didn't want to lose the girl and who knows if his actions will reflect the marriage vows.....

 

I think the fact that he married her shows he loved and respected her more than he did my friend. Guess I could be wrong though.

[melrich]

I don't think the divorce rates indicate that men must be leaving wives all the time for "newer models"; I read a statistic that in 75% of divorces after 40 or something, it is women whom initiate it (after kids grown, etc).

 

That's not what I am saying. I'm saying that age is a time of introspection. It's sort of a bridge between youth and moving toward aged. I am sure the reason it is common time of divorce is equally because many women stop and think the same types of things.

 

To go to the original post.

 

I have my jealous moments and insecure moments about other women. But not about my boyfriend wanting or being tempted by a woman 15 or more years younger than we are (we are both 41) who looks like a model. The thought is just - kind of bizarre to me -

 

In my experience and observtions this is a time when some women become insecure about their relationship and that insecurity is often justified because around this age many men do go through that introspection and do come face to face with their own mortality. They may also have that insecurity because they themselves are going through the same thought processes.

 

I'm NOT saying it happens to everyone nor that it is the major cause of divorce amongst this age group. But it is common enough to be reason for unease. I do see it as a hurdle decade for long term,committed relationships.

[Miss Firecracker]

I am wary to trust 100% also. But then again, I don't want to not trust my significant other fully... catch 22.

 

I feel that when I do get married I should be able to trust 100% though, vows are said aloud and I sometimes feel that I am naive to believe in them and hold as much credence in those vows than I should. When I speak to friends, and even strangers like you, some of you hold this notion that it can end and I have to be prepared for that. I know I am naive, but I don't want that to be the case.

 

Any advice Firecracker?

 

I know that I could live through it if my husband left me, Natty. The reason is that I've lived through so much worse than that. It would be a horror to go through that at my age, but my life has been worse than any horror movie the last two years. I know that doesn't give you a lot of inspiration. LOL

 

I remember a photo of you with your older guy. You two do not look that far apart in age to me, and I don't think people are going to think too much of that as the years go by. It's not like he's retirement age and you're 16 or somthing.

[Natty7]

I know that I could live through it if my husband left me, Natty. The reason is that I've lived through so much worse than that. It would be a horror to go through that at my age, but my life has been worse than any horror movie the last two years. I know that doesn't give you a lot of inspiration. LOL

 

I remember a photo of you with your older guy. You two do not look that far apart in age to me, and I don't think people are going to think too much of that as the years go by. It's not like he's retirement age and you're 16 or somthing.

 

ha ha... Thanks FireCracker.

 

Talking about the male insecurities~ yesterday I asked him "So babe, when do you think you aren't gonna look young and hot anymore? When do you think is the age you will start going downhill?" ha ha ha... he almost spit up his wine... he said twenty years. So when he is 60 he presumes that he will start slowing down... I will be 45 and am comfortable with it all.

 

So just know that whatever comes my way I can handle? I like that... thanks!!!!

[JadedStar]

LOL are you going thru a midlife crisis Mel?

[Natty7]

Maybe midlife crisis can happen earlier than in fact your midlife though. My guy said he started going through midlife when he was in his late twenties... three kids, law school, wife, mortgage... etc. (he started very very early with everything).

 

What do you think? Midlife crisis just for midlife?

[JadedStar]

WOmen go thru them too. I went thru mine at 35 i think it was, might have been 36. Was a bit crazy that year. LOL

[melrich]

LOL are you going thru a midlife crisis Mel?

 

I've had it. Mine was far more career oriented than relationship oriented but it can manifest in any number of ways. The conversations I have with my friends and peers now are far more about "life" than the conversations we had 10 years ago. Your thought process changes.

[Miss Firecracker]

WOmen go thru them too. I went thru mine at 35 i think it was, might have been 36. Was a bit crazy that year. LOL

 

I had one in mid-30's also. But it was nothing compared to mid-40's, JS. I think my 50's are going to be much better, since I have been through all of the hormonal changes at 47. We almost didn't make it through that.

 

I think the best defense is always a good offense. I make sure I don't let myself go, exercise, take my calcium and do many other things to keep myself up. That way if the worst happens I'll be ready to go another round.

[Natty7]

What catapulted the crisis? (i'm taking notes...) hee hee.... Like I said, I think that a lot of younger women can learn from the women who have been there done that.

[JadedStar]

I had one in mid-30's also. But it was nothing compared to mid-40's, JS. I think my 50's are going to be much better, since I have been through all of the hormonal changes at 47. We almost didn't make it through that.

 

I think the best defense is always a good offense. I make sure I don't let myself go, exercise, take my calcium and do many other things to keep myself up. That way if the worst happens I'll be ready to go another round.

 

I'm not talking about the female hormonal changes. LOL I don't look forward to that AT ALL! The horror stories we hear - and young ladies saddle up, you are going to go thru it too. LOL I meant in my last post just a mid life crisis where i was a wild child for about a year. Finding myself after having been in a bad marriage for so many years. DIdn't date a younger guy but you know the usual crisis stuff - slept with chicks and had lesbi@n sex, was a stripper for a few months, broke a few guys hearts... LMAO just kidding about that stuff. But yes i did have a mid life crisis whre i was wild.

 

But i agree about best defense is a good offense. You know i am a football fan. LOL I try to prepare myself for many things because i have had the rug ripped out from under me before. Better to be prepared and plan ahead.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

i think that Mel is right that everyone examines themselves and their mortality and the meaning of life, usually starting between age 40 and 50. they are more than half done with life, and sit up and realize they don't have forever and evaluate everything in their lives, from relationships to jobs.

 

Some look for ways to 'tweak' their current life to give them what they want, and other bolt from the current life in a panic, with more of less degrees of maturity. sometimes they are very afraid of getting older, and think a younger woman is the way to stay young, and want to trade in the wife for a new model in their quest to convince themselves they are still young, just like they also want to buy sports cars, or quit their jobs and go to Tahiti or any of the other vagaries of middle age...

 

but what is most interesting is that couples of ALL ages break up, all the time, but people have stereotypes that middle aged men will (naturally) want to leave their older wives for 'hotter' younger women. it happens, but is not the only time people break up, and younger women are not the only reason they leave.

 

some do, just like many relationships of all ages break up, and some do choose younger women. but they also break up with their wives for a whole variety of reasons that have nothing to do with looks, and everyone attributes the breakup to looks of the new woman, when that was not the main reason for the breakup. and middle aged women are actually more likely to dump their husbands than vice versa. they are bored in their marriages and feel stifled by it, and would rather be alone than continue. and many do find younger men themselves.

 

so it is almost a superstition to be afraid the man will leave for a younger woman. he might, but anybody of any age might leave, and not because of the woman's age or looks, but because of a roving sense of discontent and unhappiness with the marriage and life, or feeling the relationship isn't working for whatever reason.

 

so i think everyone is right on this thread, because there are cases to support each point of view. BUT worrying about this is a waste of time, because if the man does decide to leave for a younger woman, it is not her fault, and more about his own sense of sense of discontent with being middle age and seeing a reflection of his own middle aged self in his wife's middle aged countenance and body.

 

what i have seen happen to lots of middle aged men who go for much younger women is that it is fine for a while, but when he is ready to slow down and retire, she is not, so then that marriage breaks up, and the guy is alone in his old age (and wonders what he was thinking and often regrets dumping the first wife), and the younger woman is discovering middle aged zest and perhaps pursuing younger men now that she was with an older one for years and has the 'been there done that' mentality about older men. she's feeling pretty good in her 40s, and isn't ready to slow down, so the marriage falls apart then.

[JadedStar]

i think that Mel is right that everyone examines themselves and their mortality and the meaning of life, usually starting between age 40 and 50. they are more than half done with life, and sit up and realize they don't have forever and evaluate everything in their lives, from relationships to jobs.

 

Yeah that is about the right age frame. I think i went thru it earlier than most because i got married and had kids younger than most and had a lot more life experiences than some other people my age.

 

The thing about stressing if your husband or partner will leave you for a yuonger woman is fruitless. Like you said people leave their spouses for many reasons and sometimes the woman is older, sometimes the same age, sometimes younger. It all depends on WHERE the person in question is at mentally and emotinally and if they are in a vulnerable period.

[RayKay]

To be honest, I think I went through a crisis of sorts about "mortality" and the like already; when I was 22 a long-term boyfriend of mine died (he was just shy of 26) and for me that really threw me into that stage of assessing my mortality, my life direction, where I was.....

 

I nearly fell into another one when my mum was diagnosed with cancer in 2005; in our family unfortunately (at least on my mother's side) our life expectancy tends to be far less than average (so far, maybe 50's or early 60's) due to cancer....so maybe that is why I had one in my 20's....I am almost halfway already Dire I know...but I think people can go through these kind of stages at different times of life depending on circumstances. They are just more common around 40's or so as for most, that is indeed "mid life" and when they know more people going through illnesses or divorces themselves, etcetera.

 

Recently I was watching something on mid-life crisis and one of the best "preventatives" against balancing out the effects of it are....surprise, balance in life. When all your focus is on one thing (be it career, or looks....) it's much easier to get lost in the "crisis" and act out in more harmful ways that you may regret later.

 

As pointed out by BeStrong; men and women can leave at any age. My bio dad for example left my mum for someone else when he was 28 (my age!). And there are far more reasons to it than a "younger model". Often it is indeed dissatisfaction overall and the other woman represents something they feel is missing for example.

[Cimmie]

I am sorry this happened to you. I really want your true opinion because obviously this subject interests me... do you fault the younger woman or your ex?

 

Both of them. But him more than her. I'm glad she had removed herself from my proximity when I found out, because I think I would possibly be serving a jail term now if she hadn't. I hate her for ruining my life as it was.

 

But I blame him more. She was a student of his and he was in a position of trust and he 'helped himself to the cookies' which is disgusting and abusive. My disgust with his behaviour goes much further and deeper and it will never dissipate. BTW, I would have been considered more 'attractive' than she even though she was younger than I. That wasn't the point. The point was that she was young and willing and she wasn't any kind of work. He wasn't the type of guy who wanted to work at a relationship. Profound sense of entitlement.

 

Actually, now I sometimes think he has done me a big favour, in opening my eyes to the myth of romantic love and the true nature of 'love' between men and women. I learned a hard lesson about the importance of economic and emotional independence. I had been raised in a very old-fashioned, conventional household, where my father was the breadwinner and my mother a stay-at-home. My family was like that out of moral belief in it as a good way of life. I unconsciously tried to re-create that with my ex. BAD ERROR. Things change.

 

As women, we can't expect a man to stick around as our fathers did. This is a heavily consumerist society. Ever hear of inbuilt obsolescence? Women have it as well as computers, cars, and the ipod.

 

As I said, much better to expect very little of men. Take lovers, sleep with someone if you wish, but preserve your own bank account, living space, and most importantly, your emotional distance.

[pretty_mittens]

If a woman in her 30's feels threatened by the thought of a pretty girl in her twenties stealing her man... maybe she's with the wrong man... or maybe just totally insecure.

 

First of all, if you are in your 30's and worried about the 20 yr olds... step back and remember yourself at 22, 23, 24....

 

There will always be someone younger and prettier than you. However, the single women in their 30's are the ones you should be watching... if you are worried about your man straying away.

[RayKay]

As I said, much better to expect very little of men.

So do you want people to expect "very little of women" too? I mean, we can certainly go back to the days where women were not allowed to vote, go to medical school, work if they were married, have the rights to make choices about when to have children. Because that is what "thinking very little" of an entire gender does.

 

I am sorry but this is a horrible statement. I think anyone - man or woman - needs to take care to retain their independence and not become dependent on someone for their entire "being"; but there are many, many wonderful men out there whom are very committed to their partners. There are also plenty of women out there whom aren't.

 

I am sorry you were hurt, but it's truly unfair to men, and women whom love them be they partners, friends, mothers, brothers or daughters, to paint them all with the same brush. I could cite instances that have jaded me too, but I recognize those men were individuals to themselves. What they did was not a statement on me, or about all men.

 

Infidelity is not a "new thing". Men left in past generations too, or took on mistresses and did not leave. Sometimes their spouses new, sometimes not. So did women (have affairs I mean) for that matter. It's easy to blame "todays world" for the "trend", but the trend is nothing new. It's more noticeable as it is TALKED about more. We have forums like this to share stories. There is less stigma with divorce so the causes of divorce come out more often. But it is not new.

 

I am actually more sorry for you that you feel that way, because those kind of beliefs tend to perpetuate a reality; if you set your standards so low the irony is that you tend to attract those very kind of people in the long run over and over. It's like some kind of Murphy's Law.

[Cimmie]

So do you want people to expect "very little of women" too? I mean, we can certainly go back to the days where women were not allowed to vote, go to medical school, work if they were married, have the rights to make choices about when to have children. Because that is what "thinking very little" of an entire gender does.

 

I am actually more sorry for you that you feel that way, because those kind of beliefs tend to perpetuate a reality; if you set your standards so low the irony is that you tend to attract those very kind of people in the long run over and over. It's like some kind of Murphy's Law.

 

I wouldn't for one moment suggest men not have the vote! Or that they be repressed politically as a sex! That was a slight (respectfully) overreaction to my post I think. My point was that I 'expect very little of them' when it comes to sexual fidelity. In other words, I would not expect a man to remain faithful. I'm not dissing them as a sex - I have many good platonic male friends and good brothers too, all intelligent and perceptive people. But they are men, and men are not the same as women.

 

I firmly believe that the majority of women are biologically other-oriented and the majority of men are self-oriented. This is based on observation and interactions with men. There are honourable exceptions, but men and women are wired sexually in a fundamentally different way.

 

A woman is much more vulnerable during and as a consequence of the sex act, for instance. A man is not. To be crude about it: men do the nailing, women get nailed. A whole series of social/biological consequences flow from that very simple fact. There is no point in pretending there is sexual equlity between men and women. Power always comes into it.

 

There really is no need to feel sorry for me. As I said, I have come around to thinking that my ex did me a favour in many ways. I think one is much worse off (even if one doesn't know it) if one expects too much of a man in terms of sexual fidelity.