For women in their 30s and up mainly

[Batya33]

Thanks. I have a very youthful look - always have. I remember being at dinner with a former boyfriend at his private club. We were both 36 at the time. He said when I went to the ladies room one of the members came to our table and congratulated him for having landed a much younger woman. I recognize that a 24 year old girl typically looks younger than I do, but not enough to make a real difference. I am slim but not that "buff" but I notice women in their 40s who are more "buff" than I am and than women in their 20s so in that case age doesn't make much of a difference.

[lenni]

I am soooo much more comfortable with myself now then I was in my 20s. I am 34. I value much more the way I have grown as a person, the interests I have developed that keep me mentally and emotionally occupied and stimulated. I like my own company better than I used to, am more at peace, can focus on other things outside myself better and am not very self-conscious like I used to be. I figure that a lot of men will appreciate those things too, and if they don't then we probably don't have that much in common anyway. Not to say that younger women aren't confident and curious. I don't know, I just feel like love is about so much more than looks, since my love for myself came for other reasons, you know? And I'll know when someone loves me that way.

 

So it doesn't really threaten me, no. But I do still look pretty young too. People are often pretty surprised when they find out how old I am, saying they thought I was around 26. I still get ID'd about half the time too.

[Batya33]

Of course they are a threat, if you think they are not, then you are in a dream world or are overly confident. It is good to have that threat though because it makes you work for each other's attention, makes you keep in shape and be sexy. So it is a necessary evil.

 

I would agree with respect to some men I could date, I suppose. But not my boyfriend - based on his commitment to me, that he's never dated a much younger woman, and that he's not focused on hot young model types. I know other men like him, too so I disagree with your generalization.

 

We don't have to work for each other's attention in that way. We stay in shape because we like living a healthy lifestyle and we like looking attractive for each other because it makes us happy, not because of any perceived threat.

 

I am most certainly not living in a dream world and definitely not overconfident.

 

(When I was 25 I might have been threatened by someone like me - because I am in better shape and more attractive than I was then - and more confident/interesting - and no I had no work done, no plans to, either).

[loveistough]

Exactly. This is the way I feel too. Maybe if I looked old I might feel threatened but I don't look old and I am not threatened at all. I get hit on by a lot of guys in their early 20's.

[loveistough]

Of course they are a threat, if you think they are not, then you are in a dream world or are overly confident. It is good to have that threat though because it makes you work for each other's attention, makes you keep in shape and be sexy. So it is a necessary evil.

 

That's your opinion....It's not as much of an issue as apparently some men think it is.....I do agree with you about one thing though, if I didn't take care of myself then I might feel threatened by another woman that did take better care of herself but that wouldn't have anything to do with age.

[doyathink]

Batya, great thread!

I never have felt threatened. Till it happened to me....three times with one man. Did he do it because they were younger? I don't know. But I finally met one, and it definitely wasn't brains that attracted him.

 

Would I feel threatened by this in another relationship? Doubtful, but it depends on the man and the way he makes me feel.

[Batya33]

A friend of mine referred to a woman like that as "a vacuous piece of lint." (except the young lady wouldn't have understood the word "vacuous" lol).

 

I am sorry this happened to you!!

[lenni]

Exactly. This is the way I feel too. Maybe if I looked old I might feel threatened but I don't look old and I am not threatened at all. I get hit on by a lot of guys in their early 20's.

 

Hah! I forgot about that. I got asked out by a 23 year old a couple months ago. I'm not interested in dating someone that young, though

[melrich]

A friend of mine referred to a woman like that as "a vacuous piece of lint." (except the young lady wouldn't have understood the word "vacuous" lol).

 

Sometimes I look at this type of stereotyping and see it as somewhat like that nervous chuckle I was talking about before.

 

The examples I have seen of men actually starting relationships with younger women... they haven't been particularly stunning or model types. Just younger. And really great, interesting people. I tried to get a handle on it before. It's often not about "looks". It's about change.

[doyathink]

A friend of mine referred to a woman like that as "a vacuous piece of lint." (except the young lady wouldn't have understood the word "vacuous" lol).

 

I am sorry this happened to you!!

 

LOL! Well, this will be his new nickname from me!

Thanks lady.

[loveistough]

Sometimes I look at this type of stereotyping and see it as somewhat like that nervous chuckle I was talking about before.

 

The examples I have seen of men actually starting relationships with younger women... they haven't been particularly stunning or model types. Just younger. And really great, interesting people. I tried to get a handle on it before. It's often not about "looks". It's about change.

 

I think that it is more about change, as you said, than about age or even looks. That's why I don't think you can really say women feel insecure about "younger" women. I think there definitely are other reasons men pursue another woman and vise versa. I think people want change sometimes or they just connect with another person and it just happens. I don't think it really has anything to do with someone being a certain age. Yes there are some men that do pursue women because they are younger or "hotter" but I think they often find someone they have more in common with. Same thing with women though. It works both ways.

[Batya33]

Sometimes I look at this type of stereotyping and see it as somewhat like that nervous chuckle I was talking about before.

 

The examples I have seen of men actually starting relationships with younger women... they haven't been particularly stunning or model types. Just younger. And really great, interesting people. I tried to get a handle on it before. It's often not about "looks". It's about change.

 

I was just referring to the woman the other poster referred to who was young and apparently was unintelligent. Not "all younger women" not in the least.

[melrich]

I think there definitely are other reasons men pursue another woman and vise versa.

 

Oh for sure.

 

I don't think it really has anything to do with someone being a certain age.

 

But there IS an element of age thing in terms of when people are likley to change.

 

Yes there are some men that do pursue women because they are younger or "hotter" but I think they often find someone they have more in common with.

 

Yes that is what I meant. There is a tendency in discussions like this to stereotype the "younger" woman as a 24, blonde, air head, trophy.

 

But a 30 year old is "young" to a 40 year old. And the reality for me, where I have seen men swap from the wife to a younger woman, is the younger woman are people of substance.

[Batya33]

I understand. This thread started with a focus on women in their early 20s where the SO/spouse is in her mid-late 30s and up.

[melrich]

In regards to the age and time of life thing. Whilst I do see amongst my crowd anyway, an element unease amongst women around the whole "younger" woman thing, I also feel that there is an element of justification for that.

 

The forties for a lot of men is a huge transition. It is an age where you realise life is finite, you body is slowing down, you are closer to old age than you are to youth. It brings things into sharp focus and there is a degree of introspection about that. Many men struggle with the fact that youth is behind them. many try and hold on to it in different ways.

[Cimmie]

Yes I would feel massively threatened. My ex cheated on me with a girl of 20. I was 31 when this happened and could pass for early twenties myself, but that didn't stop him. Not only is it about young flesh, with a lot of men it's about being in control. They don't like women who are mature, they find that scary. Much better to be with a young and malleable woman, who thinks every word out of your mouth is genius.

 

I believe men are hard-wired to want to screw young women. It flatters their egos to have a young and beautiful woman with them whom they can display to other men. It doesn't matter how 'intelligent' or educated the man, I think this is a universal truth. That's why I will never get into a long-term thing with a man again. Too much to lose. Much better to have casual or shorter-term affairs and let them go their own sweet way as soon as something younger/prettier tempts them. Small loss. It's more important for a woman to be ok with her own company, to be financially independent, and to have good friends.

[Batya33]

I think there's a difference between being tempted and acting on that temptation though (I do happen to disagree with what you wrote, just saying that even if it were true you can't leap from temptation to action same as with any other impulse).

 

I don't know for sure about my (41 year old) bf's "wiring" but I do know that finding some hot young thing to mess around with or enjoying some hot young thing coming on to him when he is in a relationshp (and likely even when he isn't - it might flatter him for a minute and then he'd be uncomfortable) is as foreign to him as enjoying a chick flick (which he is hardwired to despise, oh well).

[JadedStar]

The men who leave otherwise great women who are in their 40s and up for a woman in their 20s represent a type of mentality that I am not attracted to in the first place.

 

So my answer is no. Not all men do this and not all women are concerned about it. I have a feeeling if me and my husband ever split it will be to reasons totally separate from this. LOL All men will LOOK at attractive women of ANY age but those who leave a woman for someone two decades younger, if you notice, typically almost always have a party boy mentality and a little peter pan syndrome they never exorcised fully in their youth and that is why - typically - they would leave someone for a person of that age.

 

the men i know in their 40s who date women in their 20s - now i mean no disrespect to these women at all - but these men who do that i can say i would NEVER date. Their maturity levels do not match mine. They might be my intellectual equal but they are certainly not my equal maturity wise.

 

It's the same for women who date men two decades younger. I have been hit on by guys in their 20s - even as young as 19 that was creepy - but there is no way in h e l l I would see myself dating someone that much younger than me. At least 75% - maybe even more - of a relationship to me is intellectual stimulation. It would be a rare 20 something year old with enough life's experiences to really challlenge me enough.

[RayKay]

Well, not in my 30's yet (getting closer everyday though!). It is funny, as I thought of something like this yesterday when I was talking with my boyfriend; I just mentioned I was feeling tired and he (jokingly per our own little internal humour dialogue!) said "why, you have not had a birthday recently", and it dawned on me that I can't claim to be in my mid 20's anymore...lol (not bad thing, and I am not dreading it, just realized how close 30 is!)

 

I just wanted to say I agree with Jaded, in that the type of men whom would actually do this are not the kind I would want to be with anyway. Not only the idea of leaving spouse for "younger model" but one whom would leave for "another model" at all! I know plenty of examples of men whom left wives/partners for women whom were equal (or older) in age than the current partner too. And while I do think the mid-life crisis thing is VERY real for many men; I think how they act on it really is up to that persons own values and the balance they have in their lives.

 

I want a partner whom puts the same emphasis on sharing our life together as I do, that also means experience growing old together

[Cimmie]

I think there's a difference between being tempted and acting on that temptation though (I do happen to disagree with what you wrote, just saying that even if it were true you can't leap from temptation to action same as with any other impulse).

 

I don't know for sure about my (41 year old) bf's "wiring" but I do know that finding some hot young thing to mess around with or enjoying some hot young thing coming on to him when he is in a relationshp (and likely even when he isn't - it might flatter him for a minute and then he'd be uncomfortable) is as foreign to him as enjoying a chick flick (which he is hardwired to despise, oh well).

 

Well, my ex was an immature jerk with an emotional age of about fourteen, so that probably did have something to do with it...

 

I would never trust that a man wouldn't do that again though. My point is that a lot of women occupy a fool's paradise of thinking 'my man wouldn't do that, he's just not that type' and are then shocked and devastated when they find out he's been having an affair. Best not to expect too much in the first place. That's my point.

[Grokker]

Yes I would feel massively threatened. My ex cheated on me with a girl of 20. I was 31 when this happened and could pass for early twenties myself, but that didn't stop him. Not only is it about young flesh, with a lot of men it's about being in control. They don't like women who are mature, they find that scary. Much better to be with a young and malleable woman, who thinks every word out of your mouth is genius.

.

 

That's it EXACTLY.

 

See, our generation (men who are between 30 and 50 today) is the FIRST generation of Western men who have had to come to terms with a new equation. Namely, the fact that women their own age are very often their equals in terms of social and economic power. Male-female relationships between individuals of this age group are the first ever to have to adjust to this new reality on a large scale, as a rule rather than an exception.

 

This is a generation of men who grew up looking at a very different male-female dynamic in their families. Pop had a career and was the breadwinner... when he came home after an 8-hour day he would sit in his favorite armchair and smoke a pipe and be waited on. Mom was a homemaker and did not "work", but took care of the house, cooked the meals, raised the kids and served the family's needs 16 hours a day.

 

Even today of course, things aren't yet completely "equal" in a lot of ways... but they're a far cry from the '60s, '70s or early '80s. It is the man, today, who feels threatened by an independent female partner who has the self-confidence to stand up for her own needs, and very often the means to afford them. In a two-income family, she has the economic power to hold an opinion regarding all sorts of short and long term plans... from vacation destinations to the kids' choice of college.

 

I strongly believe that this is the real substance of the 30-50 year old man's attraction to much-younger women. First, having someone young and impressionable of the opposite sex, that he can dominate socially and emotionally in the same way as pop dominated mom, is an attractive proposition to a certain kind of man. Second, making a female partner of his own age feel insecure or threatened by the rivalry of 20-somethings is a last refuge of the controlling man who cannot use money, education or social standing to pull rank any longer. Physical appearance and all of that is merely the icing on the cake.

[JadedStar]

See, our generation (men who are between 30 and 50 today) is the FIRST generation of Western men who have had to come to terms with a new equation. Namely, the fact that women their own age are very often their equals in terms of social and economic power. Male-female relationships between individuals of this age group are the first ever to have to adjust to this new reality on a large scale, as a rule rather than an exception.

 

 

Yes you nailed it perfectly. A man or woman who is immature for his or her age is another reason this happens.

[midnightrambler]

i think this pretty much says it all

[DN]

See, our generation (men who are between 30 and 50 today) is the FIRST generation of Western men who have had to come to terms with a new equation. Namely, the fact that women their own age are very often their equals in terms of social and economic power. Male-female relationships between individuals of this age group are the first ever to have to adjust to this new reality on a large scale, as a rule rather than an exception.

 

Except that this is an issue that has been going on for generations so it hardly something new.

 

It wasn't that long ago that it was considered perfectly normal for men to marry much younger women because a man could not marry until he was in a position to support a wife. A a couple of generations ago all familes had maiden aunts and bachelor uncles who never married for that reason.

 

Back then of course, people took lovers or mistresses rather than divorce to the extent they do today but this is by no means a modern issue. It just presents in a different way because divorce itself is so prevalent.

[Natty7]

I have read all the posts and speaking as a 24 year old woman (gonna hit the quarter century mark next month) I wonder is that how women older see all of us? As young, immature, vacuous, meek women? Is that how people, what 30+, saw you when you were younger?

 

Speaking on the other side of the spectrum, when I was younger my mother always taught me to be proud to be a woman. Maybe that's why I am so independent and a speaker of woman rights, but she also taught me a lot about understanding, and learning to support each other. Speaking as a younger woman, maybe and just maybe, these young women need the support from older, wiser women. Not just being put down or stereotyped ya know? Sometimes maybe we ALL need to join forces not as young and old but as women. I love being a woman as I am sure you all do as well. I love the fact that I can do things and create things that men cannot.

 

So next time there is a younger woman in the mix~ maybe women shouldn't be so quick to be so judgmental. For if someone is pushed, mistreated or discriminated against ~ and they actually have a spine~ why wouldn't they reply negatively? So the occurrences or experiences you might have come accross might and I repeat might have been a self fulfilling prophecy. You think?