Not sure if this was a bit manipulative

[yeawutever]

Ok so I'm in a long distance relationship. In total we are 1 year and 5 months into it. For months he's been focusing on me losing weight and doing exercise, which I'm not interest (I don't really care but he wanted me at 125 ibs). He's been saying things like ''If I came visit you and I see you lost no weight at all and you still eating, I'm gonna get mad because it means you don't love me''. In other occasions he's been saying the same thing that if I love him as I say I would focus on losing weight that he's been doing exercise. Seriously I see myself normal at 140-150 ibs if I'm 5''7''.

 

So ok I got fed up with it and I was giving me my conditions. I know that he wants kids in the future so I was giving him two options.

 

a) Lose a lot of weight like he wants me too and not have any kids

b) Not lose that much weight (as long as a mantain at my current frame) and have kids

 

So he went for the later option, at least he won't be bothering me with the weight.

[RayKay]

How about Option C) Dump him.

 

I am all for fitness and health as I am sure you know, however it is one thing for a partner to express concern when their SO starts gaining weight, another for him to say things like "if you don't lose it, you don't love me" and I also assume he MET you at this weight? If he met you like this, that is VERY different than you suddenly putting on 40 pounds or something in a few months.

 

Have you ever met in person?

 

I would be QUITE alarmed about this attempt to exert control - that is often something abusive people start to do, and it progresses over time.

[Aleadragonhawk]

Well, honestly, I think that both of you are being a bit manipulative.

[RayKay]

Well, honestly, I think that both of you are being a bit manipulative.

 

Yes, and I agree. Responding back with those "choices" is just as bad.

 

Seriously, something sounds very off if these kind of games are the usual for you two.

[HappyAsALark]

What does having children have anything to do with losing weight?? And why are you still with a guy that was dumb enough for chosing either of those options??

[Aurian]

This guy is more concerned about your weight than about you. It doesn`t sound like you`re at an unhealthy weight and the way he is trying to blackmail you into it "lose the weight or you don`t love me!" is disgusting.

 

I`m sorry you felt like you had to blackmail him in turn "stop nagging me or we`ll have no kids!".

 

Is this really a relationship you want to be in?

[BeStrongBeHappy]

this kind of bartering is not healthy... him threatening to withhold love to manipulate you into losing weight, you threatening to withhold children in exchange for not losing the weight.

 

you are not an unhealthy weight. end of story.

 

and you shouldn't have to barter anything in exchange to get him to leave you alone about the weight when you are a healthy weight.

 

and having children or not is a BIG decision that shouldn't be related to such disagreements over things like this.

[blender]

Yes, you are both choosing to be in an unhealthy manipulative controlling immature and disrespectful cycle. Do not allow yourself to ever be invovled with any guy who sets these kind of conditions on you. If you ASKED for HIS opinion on what he can do to help you get in shape that is one thing, but the fact that he is TELLING you that "if you loved him" you would lose wieght...well that's just creepy.

 

Ask yourself "why" you are interested in this drama, and this unhealthy type of guy?

[leo_s84]

a) Lose a lot of weight like he wants me too and not have any kids

b) Not lose that much weight (as long as a mantain at my current frame) and have kids

 

You sound like a 13 year old, no offense

[ilovepoemsalot]

Ailec1987, it's bad of him to say that. You should have told him 'No, that isn't true at all, I do love you but I don't want to lose the weight'.

 

There's nothing wrong with your weight anyway Ailec. Maybe you could say to him, 'If you loved me you'd put on weight and be fat', see how he likes it.

 

Yes, and I agree. Responding back with those "choices" is just as bad.

 

Seriously, something sounds very off if these kind of games are the usual for you two.

 

It wasn't just as bad, she was pissed off at him and thought how he'd like it.

[ilovepoemsalot]

You sound like a 13 year old, no offense

 

Yet you obviously know that what you've said is offensive.

 

I don't even think that what she said was immature anyway.

[annie24]

i'm concerned with both of you - he shouldn't be so pressuing you to lose weight, if you are at a healthy weight for your height, and you shouldn't use your weight as a bargaining chip for the children. why does he think you should have to weigh 125? you are at a good weight right now that is healthy. like raykay said - it's not like you were thinner before, and now gained 40 pounds. didn't he meet you at this weight? he is always more than welcome to break up with you and find a 125 pound woman, if that is what he wants.

 

i would certainly be concerned and not start having kids with this man until he has proven himself a good and understanding partner.

[PixelPusher]

Yeah, a whole lot of manipulation being thrown around from both sides.

 

1) He should NEVER use your weight as a bartering tool for his affection.

2) You should NEVER use your weight as a bartering tool for your affection.

 

Honestly, the guy is a shallow jerk. Anyone who says stuff like that is trying to fit you into a mold and he doesn't love you for YOU. He is a control freak. It may start with your weight, but I can guarantee that it will grow into many other areas of your life. If you want to lose weight, then great... but if you're happy with yourself then you need to find someone who loves YOU, not what size jeans you can wear.

 

This one-up mentality from you both is forming a very dysfunctional and control-oriented foundation to your relationship. Very unhealthy for both of you.

[ghost69]

i think you should get rid of him. you aren't comfortable changing. he needs to find someone into fitness.

[Veroni]

haha! I could have said it better myself.

 

Check box C

How about Option C) Dump him.

 

I am all for fitness and health as I am sure you know, however it is one thing for a partner to express concern when their SO starts gaining weight, another for him to say things like "if you don't lose it, you don't love me" and I also assume he MET you at this weight? If he met you like this, that is VERY different than you suddenly putting on 40 pounds or something in a few months.

 

Have you ever met in person?

 

I would be QUITE alarmed about this attempt to exert control - that is often something abusive people start to do, and it progresses over time.

[yeawutever]

I also assume he MET you at this weight? If he met you like this, that is VERY different than you suddenly putting on 40 pounds or something in a few months.

 

Have you ever met in person?

 

I would be QUITE alarmed about this attempt to exert control - that is often something abusive people start to do, and it progresses over time.

 

Actually he met me more thinner (I say I was somewhat from 133-136 Ibs, not 125 like he wanted me to be, I was never a stick figure), yes I do admit I do overeat sometimes and did gain extra pounds but I'm happy like this.

Yes we did meet in person, we were dating and now we're in a long distance relationship.

I guess the reason I gave him those two chooses is b/c I wanted to test him if he was only based on appearances or if he wants me overall. I hate to think I been dating a shallow person, this is not how he was when I met him.

 

Then again I recall my mother telling me that most guys like thin, skinny girls, that most go for stick figures. As for me yuck, I never was a stick figure and will never be.

[PixelPusher]

Actually he met me more thinner (I say I was somewhat from 133-136 Ibs, not 125 like he wanted me to be, I was never a stick figure), yes I do admit I do overeat sometimes and did gain extra pounds but I'm happy like this.

Yes we did meet in person, we were dating and now we're in a long distance relationship.

I guess the reason I gave him those two chooses is b/c I wanted to test him if he was only based on appearances or if he wants me overall. I hate to think I been dating a shallow person, this is not how he was when I met him.

 

Then again I recall my mother telling me that most guys like thin, skinny girls, that most go for stick figures. As for me yuck, I never was a stick figure and will never be.

 

No, not all men like stick figures. I for one like my women to look like women, not 12-year old boys.

 

Yes, he was like this when you met him. He was just hiding it to impress you. Not that he "has" you he is letting his false walls down. But what still disturbs me about your response is that you both are still manipulating. You just admitted you were "testing" him to see if he passed. Well obviously he failed, but beyond that... "testing" someone isn't a nice thing to do in a relationship. At least in a healthy relationship, it's not.

[yeawutever]

What does having children have anything to do with losing weight?? And why are you still with a guy that was dumb enough for chosing either of those options??

 

I know right, if he was more smarter he would have asked the first questioned you posted above. Yes I agree having children got nothing to do with losing weight but that was the only way for him to stop bothering me with that. Yes maybe other girls would have say something like ''You know what, get lost'', but I guess I still maintain the same good image I had of him when I met him. I guess I don't wanna think that he was only dating me for appearances or that maybe it's his way of having ''I'm concern for your healthy and eating habits''.

 

Yes there were times he did say that if I was able to pass 140 ibs (since he met me at 133-136 ibs) then I can easily gain more.

[yeawutever]

I guess for some reason my father never liked him and still doesn't (he's the only one not impressed at all), they never got introduced properly (in fact he would only come in my house when dad wasn't around). As for my mother, she doesn't say anything anymore but yes there was a terrible argument between them long ago on my birthday on april.

[blender]

Well honey, this guy's pattern that he is now revealing is NOT a healthy respectful classy one.. this guy is not who you want to give your precious heart to.. is it? I mean c'mon he's a an emotional bully... and any guy who "only would come into your house when your dad wans't around" is clearly some guy who is afraid of his own issues, and is not self respecting or mature or classy enough to be up to a level that your father could appreciate... so ask yourself "why" you are choosing to stay invovled with a guy who is now revealing that he lacks respect for people?

[yeawutever]

Yes true but then again my father didn't wanted him to come in and once he say ''Once he at least buys a car then he can come in''.

 

As for now my dad is like ''Only married then I would welcome him in open arms''. Yes he did say he does wants to marry him. Well it's a complicated situation because the reason he are in a long distance relationship is because I got no documents while he's gonna be a citizen. He does say as gone as he gets his citizenship then he will go to my country and marry me.

[ilovepoemsalot]

Hope things work out for you Ailec.

[JeckyllNHyde]

I wouldn't be with someone who told me I needed to lose weight.

Had a guy who did this to me once. He was a so called nice guy. We were out getting donuts and I was treating, and I wanted 3 lol. He looked at me with this face and said " don't think you should....

I don't ever want to be with a guy like that nor my next bf who also had a big thing for skinny girls with perfect athletic bodies. It's just not something I am. And it made me think I had to lose the weight.

I hate a guy who will get on my case about looks or weight (all the time). Imagine being married to someone like this?

 

I dunno... I'm gonna agree with you that yes alot of guys do like thin girls. Not really stick figure but thin.

[Batya33]

I agree with those who told you to dump him. Do you really want to subject an innocent child to this controlling and potentially abusive man?

 

What are your plans as far as continuing your education? My sense is that if you are around people in your age group who are pursuing a career and/or an education it will help you see how unhealthy this relationship is.

[yeawutever]

I agree with those who told you to dump him. Do you really want to subject an innocent child to this controlling and potentially abusive man?

 

What are your plans as far as continuing your education? My sense is that if you are around people in your age group who are pursuing a career and/or an education it will help you see how unhealthy this relationship is.

 

I didn't think he was abusive since I tend to only view abusive when your partner yells at you along with cursing or actually starts hitting you and he NEVER done any of this, he knows very well I wouldn't put up with that, now that's an immediate deal-breaker for sure.

 

I did notice how he does seem to be so much on the health fitness thing and things clean. For example (ok this is embarrassing but here goes) he figure out that I sometimes constipate because one day he did asked ''By the way this is something personal but when do you take a crap b/c I looked on your bathroom trash and it seems you haven't, that's bad''. He went on explaning this to my mother, now that's super embarrassing. Then he went telling me the correct ways of how I should wipe myself when I use the bathroom.

Or checks under my pillow or would open my closet to see if there were dirty clothes.

 

As for my plans yes I do want to continue as a psychologist, maybe if I later on choose to change my major I will. I hardly find people on college that I can talk to, they tend to mainly focus on work and not being friends I can talk to. So it's online I tend to find friends (on myspace was where I found my b/f).

 

I guess he's so special to me since I lost it to him, thus he being my first.