Not sure if this was a bit manipulative

[JeckyllNHyde]

Wow, how old is your bf?

I think maybe he is trying to like take on some father/parent role, instead of a bf-role as a means of showing you he cares.

Not sure but it sounds like something I read where sometimes women tend to start taking on the role of their husbands mother by doing his laundry, choosing clothes, telling him what to eat, etc.

 

But the wiping thing is a bit weird.. But probably just one of the things he tells you how to do. I think though it's b/c he cares for you and wants to see you do it right. But no need to go checking up on you like a "police".. That just gets annoying after some time.

 

I had an aunt who would notice when I was on my period by what was in the trash. Annoying!!! Can't imagine a bf/husband like that to deal with.

 

Also, it could be a sign of him being bossy and anting you to do thing his way.

[Batya33]

I understand that you have an opinion of abuse. I suggest you speak to someone who is a professional or do some research into the types of behavior that suggest future abuse. I don't think I wrote that he is abusive right now. I agree with the many other posters who have highlighted his controlling behavior as a high indicator of future abuse.

 

You did not respond to whether you would be concerned about him telling a child of yours that the child did not love him enough if the child was overweight. (I said it in different words). Hopefully, the thought of that makes you ill enough to stay away from this person unless he gets help over a long period of time.

 

I went to college before the internet was around which in a way made it harder to connect with people- you need to join clubs and organizations and activities if you want to get to know people. I cannot believe that every student in your college doesn't talk to anyone else because they study. It sounds from what you write about that you might not get enough exposure to people in your age group who have strong values and goals - that sometimes helps people to see that they are tolerating controlling and unacceptable behavior.

 

If you cannot meet people in college then get involved in community activities. But please get away from your computer and find a way to gain some perspective so you can see how unhealthy his behavior is and your response. Defending him is a natural response but you need to get over that enough to get some objective distance.

[yeawutever]

He's 23 years old and well he did once told me that whenever he would tell girls (meaning his ex's) that their rooms were messy and smelly, they would get angry. He went on saying how he was only trying to help them. My guess is that he could be having an OCD problem.

 

When I first met him, he did notice I pop one zit on my face and went on explaining how that was bad, that it can leave me a scar. So ok I did kinda met him like that but it was less noticible.

[Batya33]

Helping someone requires tact, insight, respect and compassion. It doesn't sound like "help" in the example you gave or with respect to your weight as much as a desire to control different aspects of your life. Don't confuse that with "help" or some other positive motive. He may also want to help but the dominating motive here is not coming from a place of caring.

[ilovepoemsalot]

How would someone be able to tell that you don't use the toilet often from what's in the trash?

[yeawutever]

How would someone be able to tell that you don't use the toilet often from what's in the trash?

 

Because he would tell both me and my mother that whenever he would come to my house and enter my bathroom, it didn't smell like crap nor would he see crap on the trash (I guess he must have search through it too, lol).

[yeawutever]

You did not respond to whether you would be concerned about him telling a child of yours that the child did not love him enough if the child was overweight. (I said it in different words). Hopefully, the thought of that makes you ill enough to stay away from this person unless he gets help over a long period of time.

 

Good point, didn't pay attention to that. Yes it would be kinda concerning and well in that case I would tell him to do something about it, less with the talk and to actually help him. But I don't think he would say that to his own child.

I did talk to him a few days ago (he called my house) and well he does say the reason he's concern about my weight is b/c he's only trying looking after me (to him, he views it as helping me). He does say that if I keep gaining weight than it will be a lot harder to lose it (well it's true at the same time). I guess that's his way of caring for me afterall, it's me he loves.

He did once explained to me how he wished his mother would lose weight and take care of herself but that he can't do anything for her.

[Batya33]

Be careful about those who express "love" by acting in a controlling manner - it's a convenient excuse to be controlling and a typical excuse by controlling types. What would happen if you told him "if you want to show me you love and respect me you will back off and have faith that I can take care of myself and if I need your advice or input I would ask for it." My guess is that he will not choose to show "love" in that manner because it won't allow him to be controlling.

 

As far as helping him to change my advice is to run - don't walk - to a premarital counselor either with him or without him so that you can test your theory that you can "help" him with a professional.

 

The more you defend his controlling behavior as love the more you give the impression that part of you likes to be controlled - which makes you a very good candidate for an abusive relationship down the road. Those who allow themselves to be controlled give the controller permission to go further and at some point to cross the line. Please don't let yourself be a doormat - particularly since you are getting a college education which can be empowering. That empowerment can be undone if you let yourself be controlled by this man.

 

But don't listen to me - I hope you take advantage of the free counseling services which I am sure are offered at or through your college.

[yeawutever]

Yes in the future if we do end up getting marry, there will be boundaries that's for sure. Come to think of it, I wonder if OCD (it seems that's the problem) can decreased even almost go away through correct medication.

I'm still in love with him, thus I guess, mainly why I chose to stay with him.

[blender]

If you don't set healthy respectful boundaries now in for your own life they won't magically appear if you "get married"... this guy has a very unhealthy pattern and you are choosing to be a willing participant... you run the very real risk of losing who YOU are in this relationship.. be careful not to wrap your self worth or identity up in this relationship, it's such an unhealthy pattern you two are in, and it's only the beginning. please try to seek some therapy for yourself...

[Batya33]

"But I love him" given all the circumstances - huge red flags! - is an insufficient reason to be with someone or to consider marriage and family.