John Bendix Posted January 1, 2009 Author Share Posted January 1, 2009 Lost, The movie has been proposed! I received a call from my an uncle that was there whom I am very close to. His wife, my close aunt) and he used to comment on what A great family I had and even told my X that they considered her a daughter. I did not say a word about it to my family. He said all of my relatives were really taken back. They just wanted her to go away but they are too nice to say that to her. They said that her being there and all of the false affection was really out pf place. My uncle went so far as to say that he really feels (as most of them did) sorry for her and the fact that she really looks and acts like she needs some medical attention. It saddens me that she has been reduced to this. Link to comment
scornandtorn Posted January 2, 2009 Share Posted January 2, 2009 It saddens me that she has been reduced to this. This quote is spot on with me to, John. But, as we all well know by now, they dictate their own destiny. Every time I find myself saddened by my ex wife's behavior, I simply pull up that vivid image in my mind of her trying to bust through the front window of my house in a complete rage. I have learned more and more to accept that she has chosen this life for herself. Was I willing to uphold my marriage vows to her? Absolutely. Was I given the chance to? Nope. Link to comment
ieatglue Posted January 2, 2009 Share Posted January 2, 2009 Was I willing to uphold my marriage vows to her? Absolutely. Was I given the chance to? Nope. Oh. My. Gawd. - This is so spot on. Sorry to break in on the conversation. Link to comment
lostandhurt Posted January 2, 2009 Share Posted January 2, 2009 Break in anytime. John, I will buy the popcorn and sodas at the premier! lost Link to comment
John Bendix Posted January 7, 2009 Author Share Posted January 7, 2009 For those of you with children thinking the saga never ends, well...... I text my X, not wanting to engage in another toxic conversation, that she needs to go to the appointment with our youngest bc the therapist specifically said that she needs to be with him to work out their issues. She replied, "ur such a downer". What did my message to her have to do with me? Never replied to my question. Link to comment
John Bendix Posted January 10, 2009 Author Share Posted January 10, 2009 My X emphatically told me the other the day that she simply chooses to forget anything that has happened in her life that she finds negative. Even any objectionable behavior on her part simply did not happen. She feels she is coping (the way many people do, she says) perfectly with these circumstances from the past. I had never heard anyone admit to this and then go as so far as proposing that this is a sound way of dealing with these issues. She told me that she simply does not believe that her children do not want to deal with her even when they refuse her calls, do not call her back, refuse to go see her. Her quote, "I refuse to believe this". Excuse me, I'm wanted back on the planet Earth. Link to comment
lostandhurt Posted January 12, 2009 Share Posted January 12, 2009 That is quite a theory she has there John. I had a guy at work told me once "that was then and this is now" referring to how he was once the lazy worker but now that he wanted to get a promotion he was different. The only problem was his "then" was just before he applied for the promotion. My ex has tried to convince me of some ridiculous things but your ex gets the award I am afraid. lost Link to comment
JadedStar Posted January 12, 2009 Share Posted January 12, 2009 My X emphatically told me the other the day that she simply chooses to forget anything that has happened in her life that she finds negative. Even any objectionable behavior on her part simply did not happen. She feels she is coping (the way many people do, she says) perfectly with these circumstances from the past. I had never heard anyone admit to this and then go as so far as proposing that this is a sound way of dealing with these issues. She told me that she simply does not believe that her children do not want to deal with her even when they refuse her calls, do not call her back, refuse to go see her. Her quote, "I refuse to believe this". Excuse me, I'm wanted back on the planet Earth. She might refuse to believe it but it doesn't change reality. I refuse to believe I will not make a million dollars this year. I wonder if that will help my W2? Link to comment
John Bendix Posted January 12, 2009 Author Share Posted January 12, 2009 That is quite a theory she has there John. I had a guy at work told me once "that was then and this is now" referring to how he was once the lazy worker but now that he wanted to get a promotion he was different. The only problem was his "then" was just before he applied for the promotion. My ex has tried to convince me of some ridiculous things but your ex gets the award I am afraid. lost Is this what they mean when they call someone a "Trophy Wife"? jk Link to comment
John Bendix Posted January 12, 2009 Author Share Posted January 12, 2009 She might refuse to believe it but it doesn't change reality. I refuse to believe I will not make a million dollars this year. I wonder if that will help my W2? JS, You can see how frustrating it can be to deal with someone like this. Even when weeks and months of NC go by, I know that I have to deal with some of this bc of the kids. And it runs in cycles with no rhyme or reason to it. Once I start getting calls and text messages they will persist until I somehow end them. I know it will go on when a get a message of, "Answer my calls!" 0r "Don't ignore me!" or "OK! The kids don't talk to me cause you won't and they are going to be jerks just like you!". It reminds me of an Allman Brother's song, "I Must Have Done Somebody Wrong" to have had to experience this. Link to comment
Skinman Posted February 27, 2009 Share Posted February 27, 2009 I have read this entire thread and see so many similarities to what my wife of almost 16 years has done. She told me back in October that she didnt love me and to get out of the house... October 25 to be exact was the day I moved out.... Since that time I have heard every nasty name and hatefull word come out of her mouth towards me... Telling me how everything was my fault she wasnt happy and deserved to find someone who she had more in common with... Telling me she hasnt loved me in years but everything seemed fine until that day.... It has tore our family apart what she has done and reading what everyone here has gone through I can see that I am not alone... Sadly she has now found comfort with someone else who I suspect has been in the background all along... My heart has been broken and is healing slowly but there are days when its hard to get thoughts of her off my mind....... I feel for everyone who has gone through this...... Link to comment
John Bendix Posted February 28, 2009 Author Share Posted February 28, 2009 Skinman, Sorry, but welcome to the club. Unfortunately, it is not very exclusive. I see it, when someone says that they "deserve" to be with someone that "makes" then happy, as a very dysfunctional way of viewing the world and inter-personal relationships. First of all, entitlement is a very strange concept to me. Where does entitlement or sense of "deserving" come from? Is there a mysterious power that decides who deserves what and when? If there is, who would we be to decide that we are deserving? Defies logic to me. Second, how can someone else give (as if you had no choice in it as the world makes implies) the emotional sensation of happiness or any feeling for that matter? Since feeling or emotions are own reactions, no one can produce these. We cause them in reaction to our perception of our life situation. Trying to deal with someone in an intimate relationship that views the world in this manner can be frustrating (another emotion caused by us in reaction). It is used in these situations as justification or rationalization for someone to try and escape their perceived "state" of unhappiness. Pretty useless since this emotion, as well as all feelings, are fleeting and just seem to us to be states of being because we create them in reaction over and over again. Link to comment
Skinman Posted March 1, 2009 Share Posted March 1, 2009 Thank you JB. I have ordered your book and look forward to reading it. Like I said I have read this entire thread almost twice looking for answers or something to help me understand my situation a little better. When this all started i was blindsided by her unhappiness. We had just gotten back from a 2 1/2 week cross country vaction in September.. Everything seemed fine of course we had our small problems but like any marriage of length usually does... One day I sent her an email wishing her a good day and telling her how much i loved her.. something i did almost everyday. wel she replied with the usual stuff she had planned for the day and I repsonded.. thnaks for asking my days going well... Well that must have been the strawthat broke the camels back.. she replied with what would have been 2 pages printed out of FU and I have never loved you and have been unhappy for so many years.. To say I was shocked in an understatement.. Here I had been going a long thinking we were leading a happy life together to be told the things she had been thinking about broke my heart... its been almost 4 months since our separation and during this time she has taken every opportunty to lay blame on our problems with me... She is out to destroy me emottionally , financially and physically... She will not be happy until I have nothing left... I have tried to move on and get past all of this but there are days when I struggle with thoughts of her and her new man sleeping in our bed in our house... I sent her an article about the Walkaway wife Syndrom and she flipped out telling me that had nothing to do with her. I told her i could have written that article myself because of all that she has done to me during this time... Thanks for your opinions and comments they are greatly appreciated... Skinman Link to comment
scornandtorn Posted March 2, 2009 Share Posted March 2, 2009 Hi Skinman, Your story is also very close to mine. John has a lot of good advice on how to perceive the erratic behavior your wife exhibits. My X also sought the arms of another man to fill the emotional void she has in her life. I have learned to accept that it wasn't something I created, but rather something that existed in her long before I came into her life (dysfunctional family, childhood issues, possible abuse). "I have never loved you and have been unhappy for so many years.." Yep, I heard these exact words to. Just brush it off as if she is saying the truth "I am forced to rewrite my whole marital history so I can justify what I am doing." "She is out to destroy me emotionally , financially and physically" Again, just her trying to deamonize you into something more manageable in the guilt department. Brush it all off and just try to protect yourself in every way you can from her aggressive assault on your psyche and finances and just be there for your kids, as you are doing. Scorn Link to comment
John Bendix Posted March 2, 2009 Author Share Posted March 2, 2009 Skinman, Scorn knows of what he speaks. Demonizing is used often in this situations. Not only do these individuals in the throes of emotional turmoil (for whatever reasons) seek justification for their actions, they go as far as attempting to create it by making their former partner akin to Atilla the Hun. This really seems to be a delusion born in desperation. They are basing their justifications and rationalizations for their actions, to themeselves and their entourages, on severely exaggerated re-writes of the facts that they themselves have created. In order to rationalize their actions, thoughts, and emotional reactions, their partner needs to be blamed for their perceived life situation and distraught emotional state. This perception of extreme culpability for their problems put on their partner "must" be true to them in order to justify any action they take. Actions, at other times in their lives, would have been viewed by them to have been irrational and lacking compassion. Therapists deal with these issues all of the time. Link to comment
lostandhurt Posted March 2, 2009 Share Posted March 2, 2009 Skinman, Do yourself a very big favor and stop trying to find the magic answer that will stop what is happening. Even if you found the smoking gun (chemical imbalance, poisoning, cosmic rays) she will not listen! You could literally tell her that grass is green and she would argue the point with you. She simply does not want to hear that it is her that has done these things. John, Scorn and others here like Benga, Surfjon and many many more have been through variations of what you are going through as well as me. Learning to accept that it is happening and it is real will start you down the path of healing. She made a choice and now looks for anything to support it as right. The more you say to her the more ammo she has to prove she was right to do this horrible thing. It has been a year for me just recently. PM me anytime, I am always around. lost Link to comment
Skinman Posted March 2, 2009 Share Posted March 2, 2009 Thank you all for your replies. It has been difficult these past few months... It seems that the more she get to know her friend the nastier she gets toward me... I have tried to let go and move on but I am finding it very hard.. I can go days without speaking with her and be doing well and once we talk all those old feelings come back just hearing her voice and all..... She has totally changed from the woman I fell in love with she has tried to convince all of her family that I am a monster who caused all of this.... They know that I am a god person and its her reputation with them that is suffering.... Not that I care anymore but its sad... she even has her oldest daughter lying for her and covering her tracks when she stays with the OM... Hopefullys soon like you all I can put this all behind me and realize that my life will be better off without her. thanks again........ Skin Link to comment
benga Posted March 2, 2009 Share Posted March 2, 2009 Skin - I know these are difficult times, and there aren't any easy or magical answers that are going to come your way. I think over time it is about acceptance and the fact that at the moment, there is no reasoning with your wife. Think of her having been abducted by aliens. She may or maynot return to earth, but all you can do is see, ignore and take nothing you hear & see personally. I know the other man scenario must suck, but this is a situation over which you have no control Check out some of the posts on divorcebusting, by folks who have been left behind and also posts put up there by walk away spouses. You aren't alone here. Many of the walk away spouses display stereotypical behaviours so all you can do is to see and understand it. It will help you in the long run... Take care.... For what its worth, I/we know exactly what you are experiencing and feeling at this point. This rollercoaster sucks and it will take time. You will feel fine in blocks of time, but sure there would be times when longing for your wife will return. Keep yourself healthy, strong and get into a good daily routine... Link to comment
Skinman Posted March 2, 2009 Share Posted March 2, 2009 Thank you Benga... I feel as if I know you from reading all of your posts so I know what you have gone through and everyone else for that matter.. I guess thats all I can do is try and accept it for what it is and get on with my life.. Scorn had mentioned in his reply about abuse and dysfunctional familes well she had both growing up.. She was abused by her brother at an early age and her dad was almost never around and when he was he treated the famiy like crap... I have spoken with family members of my stbxw and they have told me she is just like her dad so I can undertand where some of these actions come from... hopefully there are better days ahead for me and a better life. Skin Link to comment
iridiumrabbit Posted March 18, 2009 Share Posted March 18, 2009 Hey Guys, So I ran accross this site when I was searching up topics for sudden divorce, and I must say, many of the stories sound similar to mine, except the gender roles reversed. He wanted out of the relationship, saying I wasn't supporting him emotionally, wasn't listening to him, and too argumentative. Hey, I've made mistakes, but nothing more than the average human. Recently, I had been listening to him even more and supporting him very much because his father had just passed away from cancer. I thought I was a good wife--- I made my own money, let him hold the remote, cooked dinner, would let him watch his sports and I loved sex. But anyway, he was just done. I could make it a long story to explain all the details, but as you all know, when the spouse calls it quits, there's nothing you can do to change their mind. Right now, I'm past the denial stage and the trying to fix it/let's go to counseling stage to the I'm sad, but I'll agree to a separation/divorce if that's what you want stage. The thing that I have the most trouble with is the hostility he feels towards me. He is very angry with me, and even when I try to assuage him, it only helps temporarily and then he gets angry again and blames me for everything. What is the best way to deal with this aspect? I've heard people talking about no contact as a good strategy, but there are still some divorce aspects that need to be worked out. Any suggestions? It's tough--- I miss the 'old' him--- I didn't realize that a bodysnatcher worked so fast. Link to comment
benga Posted March 18, 2009 Share Posted March 18, 2009 Hi there.. Its been 2.5 years for me and trust me things fall into place and you will gain perspective over time. This is your first post and by the glace of it, it seems that the "bomb" was dropped on you a while ago. Am I correct? There is nothing that you say or do that is going to change anything he does or feels at this point of time. If you are still looking for a reconciliation, I would say time is your friend and make the most of it. Guilt, pain, emotional distress will prevent him from thinking rationally and logically at this point of time. Blaming you for everything is something that will happen because at this point of time he is going through a very selfish phase and its all about him and all the fault is yours. Make time your friend. Use it constructively. Go and get yourself a live outside of your marriage (or so called). Be aloof and play it cool. Don't force any relationship conversations on him it will only make him feel more restricted and push him away. Behaviours & reactions of WAS (walk away spouces) are very similar. I would also suggest you go through link removed and check out the open forums. Besides this site, there is a wealth of information & stories out there from where you will gain some insight. Be strong, hang in there, over time you will be fine. Cheers Benga Link to comment
iridiumrabbit Posted March 19, 2009 Share Posted March 19, 2009 Thanks for the advice--- his father passed in November, he dropped the 'bomb' in Dec., and the separation papers will likely be signed this next week. Fortunately, I've had awesome support from friends, family and a therapist that has a great perspective on life. Reconciliation would be nice, but I think I have more of a chance of waking up one day rich, famous, and remarried. I'll check out those sites, though. I like the advice of playing it aloof---at least one of us will keep their cool that way. Link to comment
lostandhurt Posted March 20, 2009 Share Posted March 20, 2009 Welcome to our club. The new members seem to come in waves.......then a pause and then more waves. I am sorry to hear your marriage is ending. Listen to Benga and John and the others here. They have all been a great help to me and so many others. As you have seen the "Walk Away" knows no gender. My stbx tried very very hard to be mad at me constantly. Like she was mad I caught her cheating and put her in the position she was in. He is trying to demonize you. The thing about walk aways is that it is almost never their fault (in their own minds) so it must be someone else that is the problem. In the end it can't be the kids or family so it must be the spouse that is the reason they are unhappy. You husband thinks what he is doing will make him happy........it won't. What you need to learn most of all is what NOT to do more than what to do. As Benga says you need to start living your life (such as it is) because either way this goes you will survive and will be happy once again. Read my signature below. It has kept me going from time to time. Look back to the things you once did but somehow lost over time. Rekindle the spirit from years past and I think you will find there is more to you than just your marriage. let us know how you are doing lost Thanks for the advice--- his father passed in November, he dropped the 'bomb' in Dec., and the separation papers will likely be signed this next week. Fortunately, I've had awesome support from friends, family and a therapist that has a great perspective on life. Reconciliation would be nice, but I think I have more of a chance of waking up one day rich, famous, and remarried. I'll check out those sites, though. I like the advice of playing it aloof---at least one of us will keep their cool that way. Link to comment
Skinman Posted March 26, 2009 Share Posted March 26, 2009 It seems like this is the way of the future its happening all around us.. It has been 5 months since my WAW decided she wanted out and to this day its still all my fault.. Now she is trying to drag out the divorce process that she wanted in order to screw me a little more... She feels entitled to be living in the house while i pay most of the mortgage and rent on a basement apartment.. I feel for everyone who is going through this they will stop at no cost to demoralize you and make you feel the blame...... John, I finished your book... i feel for what you have gone through my friend !! Link to comment
John Bendix Posted March 27, 2009 Author Share Posted March 27, 2009 Skin, Thank you. It is truly amazing the parallels that can be discovered within all Walkaway Spouse situations. Link to comment
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