Relationship With X

[lostandhurt]

Well it has been over a year since I caught her and she still is dragging her feet on the divorce. I just don't get it. Her loser is her soul mate and love of her life and it was fate that brought them together (her words) so you would think she would want to divorce me so she can unveil her bf to the world. Instead she lies and doesn't go anywhere in public with him.

 

I keep prodding her but it doesn't seem to help much. It is like she is okay the way things are. I don't want her back in any way shape or form and she knows that. I think it is time to have a talk and see just what the hold up is. I hate dealing with her.

 

vent over

 

lost

[Hosedbywife]

Have you already filed for divorce? My wife dragged her feet for about two weeks, she wanted to test drive her new BF and put me on hold. I said no way baby! you made your choice and so I filed after a two week delay. If you have not done so, then go file it on Monday. Good Luck

[lostandhurt]

Yeah the papers are filed by both of us. I had a mediator lined up but the stbx messed around so long she couldn't help us because she had a family emergency out of town. Now to find a new mediator, get an appointment and start the process.

 

funny there was time that I didn't want my marriage to end and now it can't end quick enough

 

lost

[Skinman]

Its sad that so many guys are going through this.. its been 5 months for me and at this time my wife of 15 years is in Argentina with her boyfriend ... this was our trip but she replaced me before then....mine wanted the separation and divirce but has threatened to drag it out as long as possible so she can live in our house and have me pay half the mortgage along with rent where i am at...

 

I feel for everyone who is going through this type of Walkaway wife situation.. I have read so much on this subject that it has become an obsession of mine to try and figure out how i got into this situation but the more i read the less I feel to blame as My wife has stated over and over... After Reading Johns book i have gotten a much better handle on the situation and must accpet it for what it is... I find that hard to do I love my wife with all my heart and would help her anyway i can but theres doesn't seem to be anything I can do but let her go.......

 

I wish us all the best during these difficult times and hope that we all come out better people and learn from our mistakes......... Everyone who is going through this is in my thoughts and prayers... God bless you all

[benga]

My advice to those who carry a heavy heart this evening....

 

Everybody has a different recovery time. There are folks who have been around for a few days and those (like myself) for around 2 years. Healing takes its own time and there aren't any timetables. You will never be entirely healed, but would have learnt alot about life from this experience. You will learn to forgive (maybe never forget), accept, accept, accept and move on to a life which is different and something that you would never have imagined when you got married. Nobody ever gets married with the thought or intent of calling it quits one day. Not you nor your EX/STBX. Give them that benefit. Accept that something did go wrong in your relationship and you too had contributed. Because of which the dynamics of the relationship changed, and you/we got walked out on.

 

What can you do... Well, nothing much.

 

Make time your friend. Rediscover yourself, spend time with yourself, understand yourself. Go get a life which is different from the past. Go do things you haven't done before. There aren't any easy answers in healing, but I can bet you, sitting at home, feeling sorry, moping will not get you there as fast as you want. Go and get a life and do things you haven't done before....

[Hosedbywife]

Do your best to not fall for the X's phony signals of interest in you. I did fall for those signal's for a while! We have 2 kids so NC is kinda tough because we have to talk about the kids. For the past 8 months I have not called her at all, she has made virtually every call or text to me to start out any conversation that occurs between us. I got sucked into other topics like her job, car, whatever else was on her mind. I was playing the emotional support while she has been "Pumped & Dumped" at least twice in the past year by two different guys. The best advice is to stop trying to figure the X out. It's taken me a while to follow this advice myself. She keeps asking me for a portion of our old life back, that's the part where she wants me to pay more for her to have that old life back, funny- it never has included me in the old life that she wants back.

 

The one great thing that I have been able to change is my Ex's parent's point of view. They stopped buying into her version of the story in the past 6 months. They know now that she lied about the real reasons for walking away from the marriage. It came down to a friend of the family who was chatting up my wife and then the affair began. It all happened in 3 weeks and then it was over (our marriage). She wanted me gone and so it was over. She has never looked back either at any time. Even after being dumped by the affair partner after a few months. Her mother barely speaks with her right now because she is so pissed at her. I take solace in knowing that her future will have a high probability of not turning out the way she wants, with the knight on the white horse coming in to sweep her off her feet and give her back the lifestyle she wants back so bad. Guys keep running from her because she drips neediness out of every pore in her body. Most men will pass on her except for having sex with her for the long run deal she craves so much. Her demeanor & our two kids are enough road blocks for most men out there. I hate to say that I enjoy knowing she will most likely fall on her face. I am now in NC as much as possible. I do not answer her calls and let her text instead. I do not want her back...I am still moving on though! Stay strong my friend.

[John Bendix]

This post did provoke some thoughts for me to consider. The major one is compassion.

 

I have had compassion for my X for what she was and is emotionally going through. I have seen through all of the blame and hostility thrown my way. I did, from the onset of her "episodes", to try and help her no matter how irrational she acted.

 

On the other hand, she has shown absolutely no compassion for what her friends, our friends, her family, my family, our kids and myself, were going through. She had always shown compassion for everyone before and now has lost that capacity.

 

I have not posted on my X's escapades in awhile for I choose to remain in N/C and have so for months. After a particularly nasty text message to our sons, I texted her to please not do this to the children she gave birth to just to vent her own frustrations. She replied, "Shut up im so sick of ur * * * * u mind ur own biz my kids need to learn manners theres no hatred ur teaching ur kids to act like u"

 

I replied that I have been nothing but nice but I will no longer ignore her assaults upon our kids and me. I have had enough.

 

She replied that I should be really nice to her so our kids will like her more and that it is all my fault that they think she is crazy, followed by "ur welcome for the pasta". ???? She had brought over some spaghetti (maybe 5 or 6 times in 3 yrs she has done this- was my suggestion to her to try and see the kids) a couple of days before this.

 

I do not know this woman......Just go away and live her own life

[scornandtorn]

"She replied that I should be really nice to her so our kids will like her more and that it is all my fault that they think she is crazy, followed by "ur welcome for the pasta"."

 

Wow, those are awesome superpowers you have there John. I mean to control someone else's thoughts is quite an achievment.

 

Also I know if my X brought me pasta, it would go directly in the trash because it would probably be laced with arsenic or something similar.

[John Bendix]

Thanks Scorn. I did not realize how omnipotent I could be! I cannot get boys of 16, 20 and 23 to help me clean the house or feed the dogs so how can I get them to communicate with their mother if they do not want to do so? They are the ones that tell me not to respond to her calls or messages for they are so weird and nasty.

 

The pasta was for the kids. I had told her some months ago (last year), when I went out of the way to try to making the kids some food, bring it over, maybe they will like that. also, if she wanted, come in and eat with them. Her reply was, "You do not want me in your house". She has not entered it since she left and I have never told her not to. Another example of an attempt to be nice that was ignored when it is contradictory to what her opionion of me "has" to be in order to support her behavior and actions.

[Raoul]

All (especially John),

 

It took some days to read this thread through. But it was worth it! It helps to know that you're not the only one. I was 24 years married, 3 great kids (17 15, 12; boy, boy, girl) She took up with an unemployed, multiple dui 'bad boy'. I got her to move out and 'Hell followed after' (Revelations).

 

What you've taught me:

- 'She' was gone long before she left. She's not coming back,

- Don't try to make sense out of nonsense (stop asking 'why'),

- Divorce is forever (never goes away, especially with kids)

- Limited contact (divorce and children only topics I'll discuss),

- Enablers ginned her up to 'deserve' (be entitled to) more and I am the Devil!

- Her irrationality has no boundaries, so I must set them,

- She lives in a world I cannot comprehend,

- Lawyers make money on misery, more misery is better for them.

 

Do I get the tee-shirt now? I'd love to join in this discussion. Maybe we can get to a better place together? How is it possible for so many to see things happen this way?

 

Its interesting that women and men both have the same experience from Walkaways.

 

Raoul

[John Bendix]

 

Raoul,

 

Sorry, but welcome to the club.

 

Properly named The Walkaway Spouse Club.

 

It was initally interesting, and disturbing, to me the similarities in these situations. But I think that you have gotten a good handle on how to proceed.

 

I have to say again that my lawyer was a God send. He was empathetic to my plight. He did not charge for all of the usual charges. Her set of legal firms (3) all quit her and could not get away from her fast enough. The last one actually begged my attorney to sign the final decree so he could, in his words, "Get away from this crazy woman".

 

The common denominator seeems to me to be the level of emotional instability that they reach for them to act, react and think, in the way you described below:

 

What you've taught me:

- 'She' was gone long before she left. She's not coming back,

- Don't try to make sense out of nonsense (stop asking 'why'),

- Divorce is forever (never goes away, especially with kids)

- Limited contact (divorce and children only topics I'll discuss),

- Enablers ginned her up to 'deserve' (be entitled to) more and I am the Devil!

- Her irrationality has no boundaries, so I must set them,

- She lives in a world I cannot comprehend,

- Lawyers make money on misery, more misery is better for them.

 

The bad part is that they usually never "get it" and see just how dysfunctional their a view of the world really is. They keep using the same line of reasoning and cannot see why their suffering still continues while they deny that anything is wrong, to themselves and everyone else.

 

In fairness, we all suffer from using maladaptive coping mechanisms but differ as to what level we allow it get to. To me, their level is off the charts.

[Raoul]

John,

 

Many thanks. I reluctantly join.

 

Off the charts? Yes. Bewlidering? Yes.

 

Maladaptive is the word. They become someone you do not know and would not choose to know now.

 

In ealry 08, my wife was 50, beautiful, maybe periomenopausal, definitely in a mid-life thing, and gradually distanced herself from me, her kids and her whole life. Then her father fell ill and died of colon cancer starting in April, ending in late June. That's a lot to deal with I know. But...

 

She had started country line dancing in early 07. I was happy when she did. It was something for her alone, no kids, no pressure.

 

It was there that she met the 'prime enabler', a new best girlfriend who listened to her tales of woe and got the 'I deserve better' attitude. Cheered on by her newfound friends, she began coming home later and later and going out more and more. Its was if she' was a teenager again.

 

I protested the amount of time she was gone but she said 'I'm not doing anything wrong'. She was routinely coming in at 2:00 AM, even when I was traveling for business and my kids were home alone.

 

By the time I had detectives run down the real story, she was way gone into an affair with a 'bad boy'. Confronting her with the facts and offering her the chance to work things out, she said 'she couldn't do that right now'. And so I filed for divorce. I told her that I would neither leave our children nor leave the house. Whatever she planned, she had to plan around that.

 

She lived in our home, slept in our bed for about another six weeks with all this going on when I told her to go. Amazzingly, she moved out three weeks later to a 2 bedroom place.

 

The story to her 'buds' and family was that 'I threw her out' even though they knew she'd been screwing around.

 

From there, she quickly became the classic Walkaway. She is abusive, violent, unrepentant, self-righteous, vindictive and just plain mean.

 

The divorce itself is horrific as she uses it to get at me. I'm fine with 'equitable distribution'. Its fair. We built our life together, half is hers.

 

But she wants huge alimony. In New Jersey, she's entitled to it. All she needs to do is wait for the legal process to deliver it. My attorney says the NJ system is biased against higher income earners and men. That's an understatement of Biblical stature. She will try to get everyting she can to support her new life. She has said several times that she will not support college educations for the kids as she didn't go and she's doing okay.

 

The children are in bad shape. My 12-year old daughter is in therapy. My oldest son is beside himself with anger and hurt. She has residential custody on alternate weeks. The kids and her are crammed into her place. Boyfriend is an everpresent fixture. None of the kids like him.

 

Collateral damage means nothing to my ex. She will have what she wants at any cost to anyone but her.

 

Our last conversation was when she went crazy in the home, in front of the kids. She was shrieking that it was her house, she would come in anytime she wanted and do what she wanted to. I 'helped' her out the door as I was not willing to have my children witness the steady stream of obscenities she was spewing and the complete lack of control she showed. My oldest son asked if 'we could have Mom drug tested' after she left. My daugher just wanted to know 'why Mommy tried to hit you'.

 

This is not the half of it. Suffice it to say that your thread and the very good roster of posters have helped me understand where I am, if not how we got here or how to go forward. That comes in time, I hope.

 

Thanks to you and all the contributors here. I am here to learn and give back if I can.

 

Best,

Raoul

[John Bendix]

Hey,

 

If you read my book, you will see things all too familiar.

 

I asked her to stay and raised the kids, on many ocasions. She refused. She declared that she had a "right" (entitlement) to be happy. She told everyone that I threw her out. Later she tried to convince ME that I threw her out. Her re-writing of history went so far as her believing it herself.

 

I took my X (after months of pleading and the marriage counselor telling me not to bring her back until she has had her hormones checked) to a gynecological endocrinologist who said she is in denial, has hardly any hormones left, and by his 40 years of experience- my marriage will not last.

 

This part in bold sums it up nicely.

 

My middle son (high school senior at the time) claimed that his mother was on drugs like the druggies in his school. She made little sense most of the time.

 

Age regression seems common also. I have felt that not only did I lose a wife and the mother of my kids, I lost a 17 year old daughter to boot.

[Hosedbywife]

-Enablers ginned her up to 'deserve' (be entitled to) more and I am the Devil

I love that line above, just perfect!!!

My walkaway had all sorts of "Enablers" that empowered her to jump out of our marriage.

 

We have been divorced since Sept 08. Today, for the 8th time since the divorce she called to berate me because I am taking the children on an extended vacation during my summer possession. I was called a F**k*n a**h**e four times in the conversation. She said this as she stated the following lines:

 

"You have not been affected by the divorce, you are still the same person, planning your vacations and that you have your life just the way you want it."

 

"Why is it that you get to do these things with the kids while all I do is work"

 

"Why aren't you working harder so that you can give me more money, so I can get a part time job and stay home with the kids more?"

 

"It isn't fair that you get to take the kids away on a trip when I can barely afford my rent"

 

and then she started crying, about how hard her life is these days. You see, while we were married she did not work. She was a stay at home mom. I took care of everything, every bill for the household. She had not a care in the real world, except for our kids, which she was a great mother. I pay over the state mandated formula child support for two kids and still- that is not enough for this X with a false sense of entitlement. Where do these Walk Away's come off thinking that they are OWED by the husband who THEY dumped??

 

When she walked away with her affair partner, I guess she did not properly preview her future life to well. She envisioned a new warm body next to her, a father figure to our boys and a man who would be there for her forever. After 3 months he dumped her! The classic Pump & Dump!!.

 

I always let her contact me and most of the time I do not answer her calls. but she was very persistent in calling today, so I took the call. I am glad I did! Sorry to say but when she hits full throttle complaint mode about her life and how she wants me to give her back just a portion of her old lifestyle, I get to say- How can I give you back something that I never took from you to begin with?

You left the marriage....Remember?? She then just goes nuts and usually just hangs up at that moment of the conversation. This type of conversation with her makes me feel great & sorry for her at the same time, Sorry for her because I know she will most likely will not figure out what most of her problems were caused by....HER! and then I do enjoy it because I know she is in a nightmare dead end job going nowhere and that there is a high probability that her best years of her life are behind her (she is only 33). She says that too me as well. I would love to hear any comments. Thanks

 

Another Walkway Wife- short circuts!!!

[Raoul]

-

When she walked away with her affair partner, I guess she did not properly preview her future life to well. She envisioned a new warm body next to her, a father figure to our boys and a man who would be there for her forever.

 

Wow! This is so true. I'm settled on giving her half of everything we built together. That's fair (and inevitable in any case). Now we're focused on dissolving everything else through the divorce case.

 

But she seems to want to drag me down to misery. A while after she moved out, she sent me an email saying that "she could no longer tolerate the loose arrangement that I (me) had made about money". I wrote back that "I made no arrangments about anything, you left". This after I pay the mortgage, her car payments, the deposit for her apartment and a large chunk of other expenses.

 

I have treated my kids well as we've all had to adjust to a Walkaway. The kids are devastated too. So I've done a lot to keep us all busy and happy.

 

She acted like our life was a family picture where she could cut me out, tape a picture of 'rebound boy' where I was and that everything would be just fine. That it hasn't worked that way seems to make her crazier.

 

And her enabler(s) just tell her that she deserves more. Well, 'more' will come as the divorce moves along but that will be a while.

 

I cannot help wondering how one party in a divorce seems to go bonkers while the other is left crawling from the wreckage and wondering 'what the h*** just happened?' Is it really this way or is that how perception works when a long-term blow-up happens.

 

Your thoughts?

 

Raoul

[Raoul]

I just ordered your book on link removed. Why is the author listed as John Norris?

 

Raoul

[Hosedbywife]

Prepare yourself. I have been in this swamp since Dec 07. My Ex's re-write of history is her truth. To her & her team of enablers...I am the worst example of a human being. When I told the Ex last night at our son's baseball game that we were going to a ranch to go camping. She shot back with, "you never liked to do these type of activities before, why now"? She just cannot understand that she can't just cut me out and paste in a new man. It's eating her up. She thought I would just evaporate after the divorce and be removed like a tumor from her family. The fact is her parents stopped buying her version of the story about 6 months ago. The loaned me their Suburban for the weekend to take the kids to the ranch. Of course my walkaway is pissed about that.

 

My Ex measures her misery index against mine. She only see's that I have no misery in my life!! I have made certain that she never gets to hear or see me down. She wants to know that I am suffering like she is. I may be in pain, but I refuse to let her know about it. In her mind, I am the happy unaffected person who is not in turmoil, living life to it's fullest with a big smile on my face. My motto- "Living well is the best revenge". Don't waste your time talking to her about the relationship/marriage, just keep it to the kids. Tell her that you will let the lawyers figure out the divorce. Get a mean lawyer now! Whenever you are around her be cheerful and upbeat about your new life...Just exude happiness! Watch your wife unravel!! Do not be your her emotional support- Let her new rebound guy do that. The rebound guys like to bail out once they start hearing about your Ex's life problems. Let's face it!! They are there for the P**sy and do not want to hear reality. They did not sign up for all of her problems this fast. Try it! at the worst you will feel better anyway!

[Raoul]

I am prepared as best I'm able. Better now for having read this thread and joine the WAS team.

 

Her family seems to have made their peace with what she's done. Her Mom says that she has to stay close to V. because 'that's her daughter' and fears she will just disappear if they call her out on it.

 

The stupid thing is that 'Mom' says that most important to focus on is the kids. Yet, V's (ex) actions confuse them and the divorce will make sure that their future is in doubt. So the kids' present and future is sacrificed to her present. Meanwhile, I'm all about these kids, yet her family is buying into the 'rewrite' of our entire marriage. Yet (and predictably I guess) Mom stands by her daughter watching her daughter and all of us burn to the ground.

 

I will only (and usually in short text messages) communicate with her about the kids and (when necessary) the divorce. I just try not to respond at all to anything else. When she 'goes off' its usually when we're face to face. So I don't let that happen anymore. The last episode was when she was shrieking obscenities at me in front of the kids on a Sunday when she stopped by to drop something off. I did shove her out the door (firmly but not violently). (I know it was stupid to even touch her but would not let her act out like that with the kids present). Of course I've heard from her attorney about this but thankfully not the police.

 

Lawyers are all mean aren't they? I have a good one. But NJ is such a bad state for men to divorce in, especially if they earn more money than the stbx.

 

I keep hoping and working to make it better and just end it but speed is not my friend in the divorce. And I'm sure more dark days are coming.

 

That's why I'm pleased to have found this lifeboat. I hope we can all help each other to shore.

 

Best,

Raoul

[John Bendix]

I just ordered your book on link removed. Why is the author listed as John Norris?

 

Raoul

 

I just saw that. For some reason Amazon changed the name. John Bendix is my pen name (did so to ensure anonimity for all concerned). I just e-mailed Amazon to ask them why? Thanks-

[John Bendix]

The anger issue on the part of the WAS is also interesting. The anger seems to come from all the pain and suffering that they have accumulated over a lifetime of believing they are entitled to this and that.

 

My X told me, in one of our rare conversations, that she is still extremely angry at me (as has been demonstrated in hostility) for even "having" to leave. Since I was to fully blame for the the unhappiness that she felt being married to me and the fact that I would not give her the house and the kids (confusing since she did leave w/o a fight at all in court?). I have been told, as well as her telling the kids, that I am the man and the man should leave if the wife asks. ???? Her version of what's right is always interpreted as what works best for her.

 

Anger is used to build an emotional wall against the pain that they have inside and against further potential emotional harm from the most likely source. Namely, their intimate partner. The anger strengthens the dysfunctional wall from any internal or possible outside source of suffering. That is what the shut down demeanor, "coldness", or lack of compassion, etc., demonstrates.

 

Being self-involved, self-centered, self-absorbed, or selfish, are all extreme defense mechanisms in reaction to the nature of their emotional distress. It got to the point with my X that it became (and still is) boarderline paranoia. They feel so vulnerable that they see no other option (irrational and dysfunctional as it seems) but return to what therapists call the "primordial cave". It becomes a matter of emotional survival.

[Raoul]

Thanks John. I've been alive long enough to know that reality is not an objective thing. But the distortions 'she' is capable of are truly amazing. I try to accept my role in all this. I know I am not blameless. But whatever I did over what period of time is something I will never know as she's incapable of verbalizing it, escpecially with me.

 

You would think that a wall built and maintained like this would consume the builder/maintainer. But if I hear you and other WAS members, it can go on and on.

 

I am angry about all this. But I am sad for us and for her too. I wll heal (I guess). She cannot even face her thoughts, feelings and actions, much less do anything about them. How can this not eventually crush them?

 

Raoul

[John Bendix]

It may not crush them to point of being incapacitated but it distorts their veiw of the the world and their life situation as it exists. This is a difficult way to go through life.

 

As I have said, we all suffer from emotional and mental (go hand and hand) dysfunction but it is becuase of the ego. An ego that we seem to always HAVE to protect as if our very existence depends on it. No action, no matter how irrational, is unwarranted once the ego feels it is vulnerable to some perceived assault. The more fragile the ego (which means the more it is dominating our decision making processes), the more it perceives as potential threats to its perceived vulnerable state.

 

It is to what extent we allow our egos to dominate our actions, reactions, and our thoughts, is the determining factor to what level of dysfunction we view the world, calculate what is our "reality", and ultimately base our decisions on.

 

An example; My X is trying to "portray" to everyone how happy she is and how nice a person she is. To me and to the kids when she does not get the acceptance, respect, and affection that she thinks she is entitled, she is angry, hostile, heartless, mean, manipulative, etc. The dichotomy expressed here is to the point of being bi-polar. Suggested as a strong possibility by any of the therapists, doctors, and counselors that she has encountered. Being phoney is the way the kids see her now.

 

But she infactically denies (Denial, a big red flag of depression and emotional distress) that there is, and has never been, anything wrong with her. Her frail and exposed ego will not let her accept that possibility. The ego has an extremely difficult time accepting any circumstances to exist that it feels has a chance of diminishing itself. As in, "I can't believe this is happening. It cannot be real".

[Hosedbywife]

Hey John,

 

I have heard of a couple of instances where the Walkaway is prescribed some anti-depressants by a Dr. and then about a month later they come out of the state they have been in and have wondered "what the hell happened?, what did I do to my family and my life?"

 

Have you any thoughts on this?

[Raoul]

Hosedbywife,

 

I've definitely heard this, including from a woman who did it. She got to the "what was I thinkin'" stage after starting with an anti-depressant (Lexapro if memory serves). I've heard of others too, though less directly.

 

Its very possible that some (many?) of these cases (husbands but, it seems, wives especially) have 'chemistry' issues as menopause, depression and anxiety combine to throw them off. The key seems to be recognizing that you're on a bad path and doing something about it.

 

My ex will not go to counseling or a doctor over any of this. She must like the way she is I guess, even though she does not seem happy. You must want help or at least believe that something's off and be strong enough to do something. For many here, that's not in the cards.

 

Best,

Raoul

[John Bendix]

To receive treatment for any illness, you have to admit that you have an ailment. My X lives in denial.

 

Her gyno told her that she was in perimenopause and prescribed her hormones and medication. This all unbeknownst to me for six months until I found the unfilled prescriptions. She said, "There's nothing worng with me."

 

Her family has a long history of depression. Her father's sister and father both committed suicide. All her uncles are or were in AA. Other aunts and cousins have been in alcohol abuse clinics several times.

 

Our marriage counselor (3 visits) told me not to bring her back w/o a trip to a gyno-endocrinologist. He did a full blood work up. Meeting with him, he told me that my X was in denial of her symptoms, had very little estrogen, progesterone, testasterone and DHEA. He said she admitted to three of the 33 classic symptoms of acute perimenopause but he put her down for having 28 of them. He would not put her on anti-depressants bc of her family history of suicide unless she demanded them. He said she was so acute that it would take 6 months to a year to get her hormones in check and that my marriage, in his 30 years of experience would not survive.

 

She begin taking bio-idenical hormones just when she left so I do not know how it went. She told the kids much later that this specialist was just trying to milk her for money and that she was "fine". Her father died of throat cancer (many years ago and was extremely depressed- would not leave his house) do to smoking AND alcohol abuse but refused treatment for a year bc the doctors do not know anything and he would be fine.....after several operations, chemo, and radiation therapy, hewas dead in less than year after we convinced to go to a cancer hospital.

 

I tried to get the X to seek treatment for hre own sake. Divorce if you want but get some help. The kids told her to get help a couple of times or please just leave. They have some guilt over that but their words were met with the "wall". A wall of denial.

 

I just had a feeling of sadness for her. To paraphrase Jesus of Nazareth,

'Forgive her, for she knows not of what she's done'.