Relationship With X

[John Bendix]

Scorn,

 

Found this definition on the subject and it hits home:

 

Dissonance normally occurs when a person perceives a logical inconsistency among his or her cognitions. This happens when one idea implies the opposite of another. For example, a belief in animal rights could be interpreted as inconsistent with eating meat or wearing fur. Noticing the contradiction would lead to dissonance, which could be experienced as anxiety, guilt, shame, anger, embarrassment, stress, and other negative emotional states.

 

A powerful cause of dissonance is when an idea conflicts with a fundamental element of the self-concept, such as "I am a good person" or "I made the right decision." This can lead to rationalization when a person is presented with evidence of a bad choice. It can also lead to confirmation bias, the denial of disconfirming evidence, and other ego defense mechanisms.

 

The part in bold could have been speaking directly about my X. I would like a dollar for every time she told me in a angry voice that, "I am a good person".

 

 

In another article I saw further examples of avoidance called "Selective Exposure". Only allowing ourselves to hear and absorb information that will not produce further dissonance. The "Wall"?

 

Finally, perhaps the most important way people deal with cognitive dissonance is to prevent it in the first place. If someone is presented with information that is dissonant from what they already know, the easiest way to deal with this new information is to ignore it, refuse to accept it, or simply avoid that type of information in general. Thus, a new study that says ice cream is more fattening than originally thought would be easily dealt with by ignoring it. Further, future problems can be prevented by simply avoiding that type of information -- simply refusing to read studies on ice cream, health magazines, etc.

 

Viewing cognitions as thoughts, ideas, and the emotions thus produced, I can see the logic behind this therory. When the ego perceives itself (and thereforee us) to be the "cognitions" that we experience, it becomes imperative that the conflicting ones be dealt with in some manner, whether rational or irrational.

[lostandhurt]

John,

 

Who ever wrote that must know my ex! One of my favorite lines from her to me was "I must be a strong person because I am doing all this" By all this I thought she meant lying to me and my son, cheating on me and leaving. It turns out she had didn't mean that at all. They twist the truth like a paper clip to fit their needs and actions.

 

lost

[scornandtorn]

They twist the truth like a paper clip to fit their needs and actions.

 

Yeah Lost exactly, WORD!

 

John, thanks for the additional information. With the holidays approaching its like I have to reevaluate why I am here, still in this state of dismay. Why it all happened and why I still give a s***.

 

I hope that my X and former good friend enjoy this holiday season with all of the decorations, ornaments (that signify our life together) in his home can provide. All of these things were precious to her and I let her have them, as I would never benefit from them.

[John Bendix]

John,

 

Who ever wrote that must know my ex! One of my favorite lines from her to me was "I must be a strong person because I am doing all this" By all this I thought she meant lying to me and my son, cheating on me and leaving. It turns out she had didn't mean that at all. They twist the truth like a paper clip to fit their needs and actions.

 

lost

 

Rewriting history, denying actual events and actions, etc., all are expressed coping mechaisms within the dissonance theory. As I have stated before, I never thought my X was lying because that would denote she knew what the truth was or is. It is simply a dysfunctional way of dealing with conflicting thoughts and emotions.

[scornandtorn]

Further, future problems can be prevented by simply avoiding that type of information -- simply refusing to read studies on ice cream, health magazines, etc.

 

Yeah John, just like the final time I tried to reason with my X and told her that "the statistics seem to indicate that your affair born relationship has less than a 10% chance of success." Her response? "I plan on being in that 10%".

[John Bendix]

From a post in the "Dating" section of ENA. Leo73's thread of "Why can’t I find an honest woman?" and ForsakenLove's post in response:

 

 

 

"Second, they often find it impossible to be friends with their ex’s. Not because of anything they did themselves…it’s always the other guys fault. Like I said, they are very self-aware women so it’s not that they haven’t examined their own roles in the relationship but that they have examined it and found no fault of their own."

 

"That's b/c they're the ones screwed up. Why should she keep being in contact with you? So you can be a reminder how screwed up she is?"

 

This is what we have describing in our exploration of "selective exposure" within the psychological theory of Cognitive Dissonance. They must sever that connection between them and the other partner in any way they can. It can include hostile behavior, ambivalence, withdrawal, anger, hatred, acts of vengence, and so on. Keeping the other person at a distance, reduces the contact and limits their exposure.

[scornandtorn]

They must sever that connection between them and the other partner in any way they can. It can include hostile behavior, ambivalence, withdrawal, anger, hatred, acts of vengence, and so on. Keeping the other person at a distance, reduces the contact and limits their exposure.

 

The ones in bold are how my X tried to keep me at a distance. The last time she stepped foot on this property,when I was to sign a document for her, she went into a rage when I opened the door.

 

I calmly closed the door as I told her to "mail it me". She then tried to throw her body through the picture window, repeatedly, after failing to break down the door.

 

A restraining order is how I helped her limit her exposure.

[John Bendix]

The drama that people seem to need is another appeal of the ego. "You WILL notice me! I am a good person! I deserve respect!" What they are really saying is that their ego is demanding it in order to enhance itself. Their ego dominated existence relies on this, erroneously, to give themselves something that the ego feels it lacks. Unfortunately, this desire is insatiable.

 

The ego needs to be fed as if these type of activities were a drug and another fix is needed. As with any addiction, all other facets of life become distant seconds in importance. The fufillment of that need is mandatory and no course of action is inappropriate or unwarranted. The end justifies the means seems to be their credo.

 

How you ever seen an addicted gambler, drinker, or drug user, show remorse for their actions when they are in need or even when they are realizing the object of their desire? If they did, they could begin to break their addiction.

[John Bendix]

Relationship with X, or in my case, No Relationship with X, during the hoidays does get easier.

 

It still never ceases to amaze me that my X, knowing how much X-mas and family meant to her, could stand not seeing our boys coming down the stairs on Christmas morning to open their presents. Then we would go over to my brother's for dinner. They will go over her house sometime over the weekend to open her presents to them. Maybe 2 hours tops then they want to leave.

 

It is really sad sometimes but then I remember the X-mas when she was last here and how hostile and crazy she was. She had already signed the divorced papers (unbenownst to me) and I was served the next business day. I will not go through another X-mas like that again.

 

We make the best of it but the kids are still sad and feel like something is missing.

[John Bendix]

I was just dozing on the couch when my cell rings and I just pick it up and say hello w/o looking to see who it was. It was my X. Have not spoken to her in over a month, when I answered that by mistake, and at least a month before that, as I do not answer her calls.

 

She started a conversation about the kids as if we were in a talking mode. Like we were still together and everything was fine between us. She calmly explained how the kids were supposed to go over there today (N0, there was never planned by them and her) and she waited all day for them to come. Done in a way that denotes that she thinks that the kids and me never talk and she can say anything untrue and get away with it. There's a history of that. The last two X-mas they went over for a couple of hours several days later.

 

She continued as if the way they do not interact with her is something new and out of the blue. "What was wrong with the kids today? They acted like they were just ignoring me". She went on and on about it. They have limited their contact with her for almost three years. But now, this was something new???

 

I did not even respond to any of it and just let her talk. Even remained silent when she paused. She was venting irrationally to me like we were still a couple. To someone that does not even want to talk with her and she has been told so on too many occasions.

 

I did not say 5 words. She ended it with this, "Well, I'm pretty tired so I am going to bed. Good night and Merry Christmas".

 

It is too difficult to fathom. Irrationality cannot be understood.

[waveseer]

Have you mastered the art of holding the phone just far enough away from your ear so you can't make out the words but you can tell when the person stops talking?

[John Bendix]

Ready,

 

Of course. But I have also learned not to react to it.

 

If you have read my posts or my book, you would see how irrational this person can get. She just does not get it.

[waveseer]

Hey, I was just trying to help. I'm not sure I will ever master being accused without taking an action on my behalf (like hanging up).

[John Bendix]

Thanks for the help.

 

I have hung up so many times but not as many as not answering. The kids do not answer her calls bc it is usually so bizarre.

 

There is no having a conversation and it is difficult to stand up for yourself when facts are changed, denial of known truths, etc., to fit the other's purposes.

[waveseer]

What does she do when she gets hung up on?

[John Bendix]

Ready,

 

Whenever it would get just down right bizarre and I would hang up. I would get a call right back to which I would ignore. The voicemail would be her screaming, "Don't you ever hang up on me again!".

[waveseer]

I feel like I might be one of her distant relatives, that's how familiar that sounds to me.

[John Bendix]

Ready,

 

Why do you say that?

[waveseer]

I can hear those exact words ringing in my ear from memory. Not that they are particularly unique or anything. Spoken with a NY accent, and a little screechy.

[John Bendix]

Well, she has the screech but with a Virginia accent. I am the one with the NY accent.

[waveseer]

Ok, no relation. lol

[John Bendix]

I have posted on other parts of ENA about attending the funeral of my aunt that my X had a friendship with.

 

I went to the mass, burial and reception today. All of my blood relations, uncles, aunts, cousins and second cousins, were there. She has not seen or talked to them in over 3 1/2 years. My X came and of course we did not socialize with each other.

 

At the reception, she started taking pictures of my family. Why? I do not understand it. She hugged a kissed everyone of my relatives, that know that she is somewhat (to be kind) "out there". She waited for them when they were leaving to hug and kiss them all goodbye. My family are very nice people and did not react negatively to this.

 

My mother could not get a flight out quick enough to be here but is coming this week to support her brother in his grief. If she would have been there, there would have been a scene. That is w/o question.

 

Does anyone find this strange? You could cut the air of phoniness that surrounded it. I received a phone call later from her (Yes, I answered it) that was so strange that I cannot even comment on it.

[scornandtorn]

Yeah, it does seem strange. It appears she is just trying salvage the "I'm a good person" illusion with your family.

 

I doubt my X would be capable of attempting such an effort. I am sorry for your loss, John. I am equally sorry your X had to put a spin on it.

[John Bendix]

Yeah, it does seem strange. It appears she is just trying salvage the "I'm a good person" illusion with your family.

 

I doubt my X would be capable of attempting such an effort. I am sorry for your loss, John. I am equally sorry your X had to put a spin on it.

 

You got it, Scorn. "Everyone HAS to like me" syndrome. She knows that they do not think much of her actions and see behavior as erratic and disturbed. She does not like that.

[lostandhurt]

Wow!

 

The sad thing John is that I could see my ex trying something like this but not so bold. She is trying so hard to pretend everything is fine instead of just being honest with herself......oh wait, that is what got most of us in this situation.

 

My family knew my ex for 20 years and loved her with all their hearts and most of them are still in disbelief and heartbroken over what she has done. The one thing I am greatful for is that I do not have to live the life she is living.......I don't think I could take it.

 

lost

 

P.S.

John I think you need to see about making this into a made for TV movie.