Relationship With X

[Raoul]

You were putting them first, but in a way she did not and does not appreciate. Financial security is something (rare today) that I too placed a high priority on. I did that because, in today's uncertain world, without that, other priorities suffer early and constantly. I've read that money issues are the source of many divorces. Money cannot buy or maintain love. But financial security can make many things easier, maybe even breaking up the marriage. Yes you both worked. But I'll wager that you were the financial steward of your home.

 

You may have taken it for granted that she understood and accepted this. She took for granted the results of your efforts. If you're anything like me, you took some satisfaction in being able to provide not only money but comfort, security and fun and thus deeming it worth the effort.

 

Both 'for granteds' now will be laid bare. You are paying now, she will pay as the results of her actions reduce your finances and prospects and make raising children much more difficult both emotionally and financially. Two (or a whole family) really can live cheaper than one, especially when no lawyers are present.

 

Best,

Raoul

[thedaps]

agreed. but i also was remiss in her emotional needs - come home = plop into bed (a different one from hers as i woke up at 4 am) see my child 10 minutes a week...

[thedaps]

its hard to have minimal contact with someone when my mistake was having minimal contact - i read somewhere this might be the case where you would not go that route - jusat reaffirms you arent there. i still believe in my wife.

[Raoul]

I believe in mine as well. But with the state she's in (me too), contact seems to make things worse.

 

Raoul

[Raoul]

Things continue much as before. We had a court date last Friday and the divorce is moving forward. But something interesting happened yesterday that I wondered about and thought to ask you all.

 

My oldest son (all of 17) thought that his girlfriend might be pregnant (not, thank God). He had the courage and we have a relationship that let him discuss it with me and we came up with a way to find out what we needed to know and get through it. I was proud of him and pleased that we have the kind of relationship that allow him to talk to me about important stuff like this.

 

I did reach out to my (ex) wife to discuss all this. She did not know. And we handled it well. The kids are with her this week.

 

I had to stop by her place briefly last evening to drop something off. We discussed the situation, pleasantly and fully if quickly. She asked if I would stay for dinner (they had eaten, I had not). I was on my way to meet the woman I’ve been seeing and so could not stay. I was too stunned to even ask for a ‘rain check’.

 

But, this was the first pleasant interaction we’ve had since our split last August. I don’t want to read too much into it but don’t want to ignore it either.

 

What have your experiences been on this front?

 

Best regards,

Raoul

[John Bendix]

Raoul,

 

I did not have too many of those type of interactions with the X. When they did occur, a couple of days later I would usually get a phone call that was immediately confrontational. She demanded this and that, then proceded to "clue" me in on what I did wrong in the marriage, what I was doing wrong with the kids, and in a hostile manner she dictated what I was going to do. She actually "conjured" up reasons to why I was doing these things "against" her.

 

Even years later when anything I tried to do that could be perceived as nice for her (i.e. trying to get my youngest to spend time with her), she reacted with hostility because she thought that I had a motive and it would work against her.

 

I wish I could say that she will remain this way towards you but each and everytime it happened with me (not that often), a irrational rant would shortly follow.

[Raoul]

John,

 

Thank you as always. I was taken aback to be sure. And its very likely that it was an anomaly.

 

I texted her about our son. I also inserted a 'raincheck' request for dinner. She responded to the imformation about our son and was silent on the raincheck. False alarm I guess.

 

It was though the first decent exchange between us since October last year sort of like a gulp of air for an otherwise drowning man. I tried not to get my hopes up and that's why I reached out to you here.

 

Idiot that I am, hope still springs eternal.

 

Thanks again,

Raoul

 

P.S. Your book is very good. It frightens me how close some of what our spouses did (and do) really is. Your insights, both in the book and on this forum, are hard won and illuminating.

[lostandhurt]

Raoul,

 

My ex tried several times to have these talks but I keep them short and to the business at hand. In my case I saw no reason to discuss what was already over (her choice) and done with. I tried 3 times and was met with much of what you read here. My old self would have kept trying but I learned that my life was just that MINE! Reading and learning from here helped me see that waiting for her to change back to her old self was fruitless. I did not give up, I just ran out of reasonable things to try. She once offered to stay if she could "do her own thing" which falls under not reasonable.

I hope one of these turns out good but from what I have seen they don't very often.

 

I wish you and your whole family the very best. There will come a time when these comments/actions will affect you less and less.

 

Lost

[Raoul]

Lost,

 

I agree with all you've said. I stopped waiting a long time back. The divorce is underway (ruinous though it will be) as there isn't an alternative. She tried to have it all at the same time but I found her out and made her choose.

 

I'm essentially using a No Contact (NC) approach with her, discussing only the children and the legal matters of the divorce. Obviously the near miss for our son made discussion necessary. She had some sort of momentary lapse and asked me about staying for dinner. I got my hopes up but didn't salivate or anything. It passed quickly. Maybe the bobber moved but I didn't go for the bait, so the hook wasn't set. I'm glad I was busy and could not stay.

 

It is getting easier, mostly from my exhaustion and acclamation.

 

Peace and strength,

Raoul

[scornandtorn]

But, this was the first pleasant interaction we’ve had since our split last August. I don’t want to read too much into it but don’t want to ignore it either.

 

What have your experiences been on this front?

 

Best regards,

Raoul

 

 

Yeah, I experienced this "push/pull" dynamic as well. Don't fall for it!

 

I think they (walkaway spouses) all read from the same play book. In the beginning I to took the bait every time, but after a significant amount of time I learned my lesson. My opinion is it's only a "back-burner strategy" at best. My ex would continue to try and set me up for further emotional destruction as well as further her justification for the decisions she was making.

 

Don't take the bait. As my counselor put it, "shameless people will do what ever they need, no matter how irrational it is, in order to survive emotionally."

[Raoul]

Scorn,

 

Your advice is tough to take but probably accurate. I'm chalking it up to a fluke rather than a ruse. (Charitable to a fault I guess)

 

I've learned from many of you and from personal experience that she's so angry, crazy and scared, that nothing short of them begging to come back should get your attention.

 

Damn shame though.

 

Thanks,

Raoul

[John Bendix]

Yeah, I experienced this "push/pull" dynamic as well. Don't fall for it!

 

I think they (walkaway spouses) all read from the same play book. In the beginning I to took the bait every time, but after a signifigant amount of time I learned my lesson. My opinion is it's only a "backburner strategy" at best. My ex would continue to try and set me up for further emotional destruction as well as further her justification for the decisions she was making.

 

Don't take the bait. As my cousiler put it, "shameless people will do what ever they need, no matter how irrational it is, in order to survive emotionally."[/QUOTE]

 

Hi Scorn,

 

This quote by your counselor could not be more apt. Their self-perceived vulnerable emotional state leaves them only to concentrate on self-protection. The creation of the "wall" has been described a a return to the "primordial cave". An emotional self survival technique where they feel safer.

 

Having shame is a feeling that they cannot afford to have. They can not take on any more unpleasant feelings than they are already experiencing. They may sense that any more would put them over the top since they are already on the "borderline".

 

Lost,

 

I admire your resolve in your situation and how you have kept perspective.

 

Raoul,

 

You may be right in that fear is the motivating emotion. Coupled with pain that accumulated inside of them that they have not been able to deal with directly.

[Hosedbywife]

Yeah, I experienced this "push/pull" dynamic as well. Don't fall for it!

 

I think they (walkaway spouses) all read from the same play book. In the beginning I to took the bait every time, but after a signifigant amount of time I learned my lesson. My opinion is it's only a "backburner strategy" at best. My ex would continue to try and set me up for further emotional destruction as well as further her justification for the decisions she was making.

 

Don't take the bait. As my cousiler put it, "shameless people will do what ever they need, no matter how irrational it is, in order to survive emotionally."

 

I have to admit, even though my X is as much messed up as all the other wives on here, our relationship is pretty good, we get along fine, have no problem sitting next to each other at events for the kids, no problem going to a restaurant (just the 4 of us- kids too)

 

My X has been feeling very neglected by me lately. I ignored her on Mothers Day- she texted me three times to find out why I did not tell her happy Mothers Day (So strange to me-Why would I bother?) then on what would have been our 9th wedding anniversary I said nothing to her. We were together at our sons little league game. She & her family were going to dinner after the game, I was asked to go along and I politely declined ( i had plans with a new girl I am seeing) The look on my X's face was priceless!! It was like- who gave you permission to go somewhere other then where I am going.

 

Today she informs me that she has been really thinking about things and about the adjustment that she is making in her life. I told her that I still love that "Coco" perfume that she was wearing today and I leaned over to smell her arm & neck, next thing I know I kissed her neck!!! * * * was I doing? She did not stop me and then she asked if I still had my girlfriend. I paused and said "well yes" and then she said that did not sound very certain and then I said well at this moment when you asked that question that was not really on my mind. I said I just kissed you for the first time in 18 months. She then says- "we are only being friendly just because of the kids right? At that point I realized that she was just fishing for that little assurance that I was still her back up plan. (Which I know now has completely crumbled) I did not fall for it, instead I said, we are indeed friendly because of our kids. She started to cry and wipe tears away. I have been down this road about before where she wants to hear how I feel about her, just so she can feel better and then go about her life without me. You gotta watch these people, they will try anything to make the ego feel better. Emotional vampires- suck the life out of you and then you die!!!

 

Hosed is still standing tall tonight. It felt good leaving her today in the parking lot at Starbucks. Feel free to comment or ask any follow up qustions.

[lostandhurt]

I was with my ex for 20 years and some things were done by reflex I guess. I called her by a pet name once and regretted it right away. I don't know if she noticed though. My ex has had struggles with things I always took care of and I have let her struggle. I have never been in her house even though she has invited me in several times, I leave her to handle everything unless it will cause my son to be in danger. My son relates story after story ( I never ask ) and I just say I'm sure it will be taken care of.

I have tried to make sure I stay completely out of her "new" life so I can get on with mine.

 

I wish us all the best as we learn to live with what has been thrust upon us.

 

Lost

[Raoul]

In the rare instances when we get into a conversation lasting more than a few words, I find myself slipping and calling her 'Honey' as I did for all those years. I can hear myself do it but not catch it before it comes out.

 

I stay as close to No Contact as I can. I wish I could say it was helping me more.

 

Of late, I'm going backwards (and this after 8 months). My exercise program is off, my diet is lousy, my work habits are terrible. It the most blunt conflict between conscious and unconcious I've ever experienced. I cannot yet shake this. Neither self pep-talks nor therapist seem to help right now. Any advice here?

 

Staying away from her is easy, except when the kids are involved. They (undersatndably) don't admire what their mother did and they really do not like her new guy at all.

 

It really does help to discuss this with you all. But sometimes I wonder if doing this is not helping me to wallow in it instead of getting on with it. Nonetheless, thank you all for your points of view, sharing of experience and support.

 

Peace & strength,

Raoul

[lostandhurt]

Raoul,

I just recently had a bout of what ifs and old memeories of when. It isn't that you have them, it is how it makes you feel. Before they would bring me way down but now I they hardly affect me. Sure there are times when she does of says something but I am committed to staying on the high road no matter what.

I was thinking to myself the other day that is will be nice when I have new memories to think about but then thought to myself that I do. Every moment with my son has brought me more joy than ever before. Find a way to look at the good you have and accept that memories will haunt you from time to time. Do not let them control you. Stop and think about what is happening and what you want and then move forward. We all know we cannot change the past but it doesn't mean it isn't real. You are human my friend and as humans, emotions are what makes us so unique.

 

 

On another note:

I have my first mediation meeting in a month!!!! whipeee!!! Man it took forever to get here. Wish me luck

 

Lost

[yetanotherone]

Hi, I'm new here and in the same boat as most of you. I spent a good portion of last night feeling pretty bad and going through a lot of posts. It's a shame that wives have to go into this fog and hurt so many people in the process.

 

My wife started this a few months back saying we lost our spark, grew apart etc. I did more spying and snooping than James Bond and could not find any evidence of cheating which she denies. My wife is a professional woman in the banking industry and up until now has been a responsible and trustworthy individual.

She has changed before my eyes and has lost so much weight it is scary, she looks terrible physically.

In any case she has left me depressed and confused as well as our children and my son is starting to show issues in school as a result.

There's not much new i can add here as most of you have the same experience as me. My wife filed for divorce a couple of months ago and seems like a robot without feelings.

 

I have moved into an apartment and am waiting for the divorce and the aspects that go along with it. I feel bad for my wife that she is self destructing the family and I am also angry and wonder why I would associate with a person who would do such a thing whether they did it intentionally or not.

Like another user said I feel like leaving the state but the comment that the pain goes with you has pulled back on that idea. I just want the pain to go away. I saw a doctor to get meds to help ease the pain but it's there with me ever day and I can't seem to cope.

Today was an especially depressing day for me. I want my family back, i don't want to start over and I don't want "blended families.

 

I'll try to contribute more later thanks for reading.

[Raoul]

Yetanotherone,

 

As John Bendix says, 'welcome to the club that no one wants to join', but welcome nonetheless. I read throught this entire thread a while back. It is paralyzing and enlightening.

 

First, know that you will get through this. It may not seem like it some days or weeks. But you can and will do it.

 

Second, if you have children, older or younger, make sure that you are helping them understand what's happening.

 

Third, as counterintuitive as it sounds, consider promoting your wife's independence by going into No Contact with her. This will do two important things: 1) it will give you time to work on yourself - physically, emotionally, mentally, and (if you're so inclined) spiritually; 2) it will give your wife the 'gift of missing you'. This will establish her new life, which she's desperate enough to unilaterally initiate divorce over. You both need both of these things and you need them right now.

 

Fourth, there may not be another man. It happens that way sometimes. Pay attention, but don't be paranoid.

 

There are many others. but you will get perspective from others and that's really valuable.

 

You can do this,

Raoul

[John Bendix]

Yet,

 

Sorry that you are here under the circumstances. It never ceases to amaze me how many people find themselves in this situation. A situation that seems so irrational as to be surreal.

 

I would head the advice given by Raoul.

 

The robot w/o feelings that you speak is prpbably the emotional wall that she has erected in order to protect her from further emotional stimilus. In my research, it seems apparant to me that there is a fair amount of accumulated pain that these persons have gathered inside of them. Emotional pain that began being accumulated even before they met their intimate partners. Pain that has begun to dominate their decision making processes.

 

Pain that it is manifesting itself into other emotions such as fear, resentment, hate, anger, and so on. The wall is erected in self protection for they cannot take on any more (perceived) potentially harmful emotional input from the outside world and attempts to shield them from having to deal with the huge amount of pain that they have accumulated.

 

Do yourself a favor and check out link removed for an insight in the dynamic and link removed.

[Hosedbywife]

In February my X wife asked me to switch weekends with her in May so that I have our kids on the weekend of May 22nd -May 25th (Memorial Day). In Texas, men get the kids on Friday's on the 1st, 3rd, & 5th weekends. She said that she made plans and paid some money to go somewhere for that weekend. So we traded May 22nd for May 29th. Her parents thought they she & the kids would be coming to the country this weekend. Needless to say that they were very upset that she made alternative plans and that they would be denied the chance to be with the grand kids. FYI: Her parents stop buying into her Koolade story about 1 year ago, so the relationship with their daughter (My X) is quite strained at the moment. They also know full well that I was not the person who wanted to be divorced despite her typical "walkaway wife" lies, horrific stories of things that never happened in our marriage etc.

 

Here is where the brain damage starts: I offered her parents to bring the kids up to the country for a portion of the upcoming weekend. They were delighted about this prospect. Then I informed my X that I may be doing just that. She understood that to mean that I would be delivering our kids to her parents and then leaving quickly. However, her parents have offered to have all of us stay for a night or two. I explained that her parents asked me to stay over. She flatly stated that I was not allowed to do that, that I was crossing the boundary line since we are divorced. She went on to say that she did not want me around her friends that will be there too. (More Koolade drinkers) She talked with her mother tonight on the phone and hung up on her when her mother said it was perfectly fine to have me over and that she would not dream of having me drive 2 hours, drop my kids off and then just leave. That's when the dysfunctional X wife hung up on her mother!

 

During my subsequent conversation with the X- she repeated the boundaries thing again and again like a broken robot. I asked her who would be the losers in this situation? She said NO ONE!! I said how about the kids? She stated- "they see their grand parents enough, it's not your problem" Her parents do not care what she says and they still want me to come up and let her blow her top. What do you guys think? I can't win either way! To go or not to go...that is the question????

 

Funny how those boundary lines are always about the ones I cross and not about her various invasions of my boundaries for me to provide a service, a product, fix something....blah blah blah.

 

So, I was thinking it's about time to stop everything that I rationalize and do in the name of the kids and stop fooling myself...she's completely gone and frankly only cares about herself & no one else, not even her own family members or kids.

 

I started to write her a text or email about this boundary line issue that she keeps harping on about but I realize that it will fall on deaf ears. Here is what I have written:

 

Name______, Regarding the boundary lines that you do not want me to violate. If this is truly how you want me to behave then I will respect your wishes and do just that, but keep in mind that all fences/boundaries have two sides. Thanks- Hosed.

 

I know I am wasting my time by sending it, but I have kept it rather short in order for her to actually finish reading it. Any thoughts, should I waste my time and send it or what. Hosed

[John Bendix]

Hosed,

 

Should you send it? I personally would not because there is no use to it. It will not be understood for what it is and I do not engage in fruitless acts anymore.

 

She does not want you to go to stay with her parents because her "stories" to them will fully unravel. She may still think that her parents are not on to her and her mistruths. That her deceptions are not known.

 

Second, this would be a nice thing for you to do and it is contrary to the picture of you she has painted in her pysche. Her friends would see the nice person that they have known (if they did) and not the doer of evil deeds that she has portrayed you as.

 

If you think that you are doing right for your children and their family (grandfolk), then do that. You are not crossing any boundries. These people are not "owned" by her. They are sentient beings and not under her control. You are free to act with them if that is agreeable with them.

 

"Shameless people........"

 

I could tell you some stories in this regard myself.

[benga]

Hosed - I would completely go with John's suggestion. In her mind and in conversations with friends / family, she has demonized you, which internally she knows as incorrect. Your going there, with show the others the "real" you and she doesn't want that. I would suggest you go in anycase. What possible harm could come out of it. You will continue to receive irrational responses, crazy outburst... No harm done. If, with this trip, you are able to rebuild some bridges with your X's family, whats the harm. They are people and as John said, your X doesn't own them. Go, it will be good for you...

 

Like you I too spend some amount of peaceful time with the X. Cordial and go out for meals, movies and also a holiday together... I have learnt the hard way here.. Have no expectations from each/any of these interactions. You are under the scanner and each of your words, actions, gestures are being put under a microscope. She is observing you.. By know she knows clearly that the grass aint greener and she has visibly seen changes in your and is aware of your personal growth & development. She will continue to poke you till you crack and/or show vunerability. Don't!!! I know of this only too well... Immediately after putting herself "out there" to you, she will retract into her walls and will stay far away from you emotionally. Expect some crazy behaviours after that...

 

 

 

Raoul - I read your post about going backwards... We do progress in blocks of time. There are months where you will be feeling on top of the world... The combined result of No Contact, personal growth & development, learning etc.... Every now and then we go through a reality check, and some feelings and emotions resurface. But each time, the magnitude of it is smaller. Let me know if this is how you are feeling. I went through very similar cycles the first year of being separated. But each time you will come out stronger. My only advise to you in times like this, is to get yourself back into a good solid healthy routine. Eat right, drink right, dress right, work hard, speak with your chin up and please get some daily exercise. Endorphins are known to be awesome mood enhancers.. Keep on No Contact and stay on the high road. Stay away from any/all toxic interactions and confrontations. They will do you absolutely no good.

 

Yet - Sadly welcome you to the club where nobody really wants to be. There is ample good advise out here.. Your wifes reactions / actions are stereotypical. We have all been through this. Continue sharing pieces of your relationship and life. We cant heal you, but will offer ample support, guidance to help you through this phase...

 

Lost - You are doing really well. You have come a long way from where you started. Wow.. Well done to you... You will always keep those memories, because for you they are happy ones.. Dont deny yourself those wonderful memories. Kids make you a better person and keep on the high road. The journey hasn't ended my friend, and we still have a way to go.. Keep focussed on personal growth..

 

John - As always.. Your insights continue to keep me open to newer learnings everyday. I had been doing some research and been speaking with a psychologist friend (a family counsellor - who I didn't go to initially, because she was too close to my situation), who I keep sharing thoughts and getting perspective from.... She is very much clued in to the WAS syndrome and counsels folks going through marital crisis as well as family repatterning. She mentioned something very interesting to me yesterday. Based on her experience, the WAS starts to drop those walls once the "Left Behind Spouse" shows clear & strong signs of completely having moved on.. i.e an new intimate relationship, marriage, moving cities for better career prospects etc... Based on her experience in speaking with people, the WAS actually starts plotting her/his return when that happens. By then unfortunately based on her research, the LBS is actually long gone emotionally mentally... Why, because this process takes time... a very long time... Any thoughts on this?

[Hosedbywife]

John/ Benga

 

Thank you both for your insight on this minor hump in the road.

 

Here is what I am going to do. I told my X's mother tonight that since she & her husband invited me & the kids over for a portion of the weekend, we will come up. If my X calls or texts me about it then I will inform her that she has no right to place boundaries on her parents and that she does not own her parents (John's great line) and then just sit back & listen to her while she short circuts.

 

I also want these people (her friends) to see me for the good person that I am and have always been and not that horrible person that she made me out to be. That's what's bothering the X so much, a few more of her friends/family are going to realize the fraud she has perpetrated on everyone in her life. BTW: Her parents are fully supportive of me and no longer buy her fairy tale. Again guys, Thank you for the input.

 

Hosed

 

"it's no secret that a liar won't believe anyone else"

[Raoul]

Benga, thank you for your words. It is clear that 'progress' will be uneven and I've come to expect that. This 'down' period is deeper than I am comfortable with. I feel confronted with the most blunt conflict between my conscious efforts and unconcious feelings that I have yet experienced, hence the 'stall' I'm in doing those things I know will help me manage. Sometimes just being with that for a while rather than fightng it helps me so long as I do not go completely static. The sheer amount of things that need to be done is daunting, both those things we did before and all of the new tasks we face as single parents, emerging divorcees and the like would persent anyone 'adaptation challenges'. I can see how we fall into the abyss but don't think that's what's happened to me.

 

My investigation into WAS/LBS does not rise to the level of 'research'. But I have talked to any number of people who have experienced the WAS eventualy attempting to return after the LBS has truly moved on. I've heard the phrase "they always come back" several times. And each time, it has been from a LBS that is truly gone forward, just as you say. Perhaps it is that hope that I need to extinguish and just get on with it. So, until that hope is truly gone, maybe I really haven't 'let go'. I am working on that.

 

Pleasant moments with my WAS are just that, moments. Of late there have been one or two and that is new. I would find these much more confusing were it not for John's book and the counsel I find here. Focus on my childre and figuring out how my old routines can no longer work (and trying to get to new ones) and what to do about these are what I need to be doing.

 

Hosed, your decision has a 'happy ending' feeling that I hope becomes very real as you play it out. Benga is right, your ex surrendered rights to your 'controls' and her parents and family have their own minds too. So do what is right (and feels right) for you and your children. You are showing backbone. How can that be wrong?

 

John, your continuing insights are among the biggest contributors to my progress. Thank you.

 

Yet, without pretending to embrace what you're facing, face it and act on it as best you are able. The concept of 'blended families', starting over and all of it cannot be wanted or even understood at first. In addition to 'better living through chemistry', I see a psychologist. Consider that. The issues we all face could benefit from an experienced 'sherpa' as you navigate unfamiliar ground. I'm not sure how much its helping me. But I will do anything to try and get through this and help my children.

 

Thank you all for your insights and assistance. As this lifeboat moves away from the wreckage, I find myself beleiving that the unwilling crew we find ourselves with may yet pull together and go somewhere.

 

Raoul

[John Bendix]

Benga,

 

"John - As always.. Your insights continue to keep me open to newer learnings everyday. I had been doing some research and been speaking with a psychologist friend (a family counsellor - who I didn't go to initially, because she was too close to my situation), who I keep sharing thoughts and getting perspective from.... She is very much clued in to the WAS syndrome and counsels folks going through marital crisis as well as family repatterning. She mentioned something very interesting to me yesterday. Based on her experience, the WAS starts to drop those walls once the "Left Behind Spouse" shows clear & strong signs of completely having moved on.. i.e an new intimate relationship, marriage, moving cities for better career prospects etc... Based on her experience in speaking with people, the WAS actually starts plotting her/his return when that happens. By then unfortunately based on her research, the LBS is actually long gone emotionally mentally... Why, because this process takes time... a very long time... Any thoughts on this?"

 

Benga,

 

Good to hear from you.

 

I would love to hear more on your counselor friend's take on the WAS epidemic. Most, if not all, of the therapists that I have interviewed, concur with what your friend has said.

 

The part in bold above intriques me because of the apparant irrational behavior still being demonstrated. By merely wanting to come back to a person that they have demonized and accused of ruining their life, they are showing their emotional distress, again, all too well.

 

What could more irrational than considering to go back to someone that you have made akin to Attila the Hun or considered a loser that made you miserable? Their entourage of friends and family (who did not see much wrong with them except being in a bad marriage) would now really think that they have lost their minds.

 

As for the time issue. Think how long it takes the one left behind to get a grip on acceptance. Think how long it took the WAS to develop their emotional distress (if not most of their life). Think about how emotional instability enables them to change history without any thought of what is really the truth. They can actually say to themselves, "Well, we have not been apart that long. It has not been so bad."

 

For the shameless, the truth is what they need it to be.