Wandering eye...

[miracle29]

All straight men notice women visually. We can't help it. It's something we're born with.

 

All women have a menstral cycle that can cause them to become irratible and moody. They can't help it. It's something they're born with.

 

The difference is whether or not you have enough respect for your SO not to let them notice it.

 

It seems as though your husband does not have enough respect to realize that this kind of behavior will hurt your feelings and thereforeeee he isn't trying to keep it covered up.

 

You should explain to him that you expect and deserve this kind of respect and that if he can't give it to you then there is a problem.

 

 

 

This is a GREAT point, however, i think in this case, he will just hide his attraction to "bratz dolls" as she said. He seems to want a 16 yr old and not a actual woman...from what i've gathered from this post. Her confronting him will go like this..."yes I'm pretending to be a mind reader"

 

Ok..here goes.

 

Her: "It really hurts me that you seem to like to notice much younger women than me. I dont' like it"

Him "what are you talking about?"

 

Her: "you know what i'm talking about!"

Him: "no i don't"

Her: "what about you staring at your cousin, she was only 17 yrs old and you went on and on........."

 

Him "you're just being insecure, I don't like underaged women, its allin your head"

 

 

See..pointless

[Batya33]

Only pointless if the man in question does not respect you or your feelings.

[JadedStar]

There are huge generalizations going on here. First it was respectful men must be doing much more behind a woman's back, then it was they must have a controlling g/f if they are doing it, wow...

 

Huge generalizations are occurring here.

 

I think if a man with his girl were checking me out while we were in the same place is pretty creepy. I would feel sorry for her to be honest. If he is alone that is one thing, but if he keeps making a point to constantly check me out with her there i'd tell my husband "look at this jerk at table two".

 

Blows my mind!

 

I think it boils down to how much you feel you can trust your SO. Instead of making sweeping generalizations why not ask how much that person can trust their partner. If i did not feel i could trust my partner, it wouldn't matter if he was not getting hot and bothered checking out women because I would know he is not trustworthy.

 

There is far more to knowing if you can trust your husband than just this one aspect. To say that a man who tries to pay attn to his lady while out is hen pecked or probably cheating behind her back is a gross disrespect to men as a gender.

 

And for the record, I would never try to control my husband or demand he act a certain way. We both respect one another's feelings and if something upsets me, i talk to him like a human being and we try to reach a compromise.

If we find one cannot be reached and the issue is huge, then we have to make decisions about our future, but there has never been control in our marriage.

[miracle29]

Only pointless if the man in question does not respect you or your feelings.

 

 

Batya 33...does he sound like someone who really respects her feelings!

 

Not so much right?](*,)

[JadedStar]

Whomever said something to the effect of this whole "boys will be boys" thing is nothing more than an excuse like when women blame b*tchy behavior on PMS was right on target!

 

Looking and becoming distracted and ogling in front of your g/f are very different.

[Batya33]

Batya 33...does he sound like someone who really respects her feelings!

 

Not so much right?](*,)

 

No - but that's my point - the reason she can't have the conversation is not because of the subject matter but because it seems like there is a general lack of respect so they could be talking about any concern she has not just about his "wandering eye."

[JadedStar]

No - but that's my point - the reason she can't have the conversation is not because of the subject matter but because it seems like there is a general lack of respect so they could be talking about any concern she has not just about his "wandering eye."

 

I agree.

 

This is not the only issue of disrespect that seems to have come up with this guy if I am remembering past threads correctly. I don't think the issue is even just about this as the fact that he is a disrespectful man in general.

 

And she is a newlywed, no wonder she is so worried.

[jul-els]

Whomever said something to the effect of this whole "boys will be boys" thing is nothing more than an excuse like when women blame b*tchy behavior on PMS was right on target!

 

Looking and becoming distracted and ogling in front of your g/f are very different.

 

So very true. Becoming distracted and ogling is gross and rude.

 

Looking or noticing is normal and can be done in a non-offensive manner.

 

I don't think the OP's husband seems to realize the difference and thereforeeee is exhibiting a very low level of respect for her feelings in this regard.

 

I think she needs to tell him to step up to the plate and start showing her a standard modicum of respect.

[Lady Bugg]

Hiya..I am viewing this thread a bit late...but truthfully I think this is resolvable. Why not play along? When you see him looking at another woman...say something like.."She's cute huh"? Or point out attractive women TO him....and say "Wow, isn't she kinda hot??" I say this because I think what your husband is doing is harmless. He is LOOKING at other women. He isn't talking to them, flirting with them or pursuing them.

 

That said..I am not implying your feelings are NOT important.They are...but

do they warrant pursuing a divorce? What about this causes you to be so insecure? Is it because these "girls" are so much younger than you? Well...that's something you can't change, and will never be able to.

What you CAN change is your reactions to this. If you TRULY believe your hubby will end up cheating on you then I do agree, it's best to call it quits....

a relationship with NO trust will never last and you will only end up driving yourself crazy.

 

Just think about if this is as important as you are making it....

 

I wish you all the best!!!

[fnlyfrei]

Yeah Lady Bugg...if he were staring at obviously attractive women (like you)and your age..I might not feel so threatened...but really young ones. High school age to about 24...maybe...and yes, you are right, I really can't become younger. You can dye your hair, work out, do lots of things..but you cannot become 19 again. That is the age group that he seems to become the most animated about. And no, if women that age visably excite him that much...why fight it? Why should I stay married to someone who is quite obviously attracted to other people? In the meantime we are working on it.

[Lady Bugg]

Hey girl..I totally understand. I agree what he does IS disrespectful..especially if you HAVE told him it bothers you

I just think some men are "wired" that way. I'm not making excuses for him at all. Truthfully I don;t think this should be about the age of the women he looks at..it should be about the fact that he can't control himself

even in your presense. THAT is the issue. Anyway..again I hope you guys can resolve this and work it out....

[HealingHandsWarmHeart]

fnlyfrei...

 

i'm sure you've been asked this ...but didn't you see his wandering eye for younger woman before you married him? there are always signs ... maybe the key for you is to figure out why you didn't see the signs sooner...and why you are letting this affect you so much?

 

i guess what i'm saying is that it seems to be a common issue for you...is your husband faithful to you? is he a good man? is he a liar? or is it a respect thing for you?

 

I also think that the more you feed his behavior the more he is going to do it.. a lot of times when someone likes to make someone feel jealous ..its actually because they feel inferior to that person ... so to see you get jealous over him... may boost his ego ... ya know? so maybe if you tried to ignore it... and not feed into it.. he will stop.

 

As for your post earlier today about the 20 yr old flipping her hair and things like that... i think you were reading too much into it... my niece is shy and 16 yrs old... she does all of those things out of nervous energy and my niece is a gorgeous girl..and when she does it ...it looks so flirty ..i tease her and say you are such a flirt ..and she's like huh? how? and shes sincere! lol

 

(oh and trust me i have had my share of jealousy issues so i'm not preaching.)

[JadedStar]

Yeah, fnlyfrei there are two things at play here. Either you are spot on and he is into young girls and NOTHING you do will change that, or you are just getting older (i am your age so i am not calling you old LOL!) and feeling most insecure around women who are very young.

 

You need to figure out what is really going on here. If the former, and it is really him becoming animated with young girls, i don't know...you have a major decision to make. Live with it, or leave. Not much else you can do if he knows you don't like this and continues.

 

if you find it is really you getting sensitive because you are insecure over your aging process then therapy can help you. I feel a very attractive person for my age but of course being 40 can make anyone insecure at times. We are not 20 anymore. But just make sure to keep it in check and not get obsessed over it. I have seen your pic and you can hold your own attractive wise with any twenty something female. But YOU have to believe that, not just be told that.

 

If he really is animated with young girls, i echo the question already asked - were these signs evident before marriage?

[annie24]

hi - i am in on this thread late. I am just curious, how do your fights go, and what does he say? I mean, do you say, "Stop drooling at that 21 year old!" and then he says, "I wasn't starting" or "no, I won't stop." what exactly do you two say during your fights.

 

Also, when he looks, how long does he look for? Is it like for a second, or a 5 seconds with bulging eyes? Do you think you may be hypersensitive to this? I'm not discounting your feelings, just wondering if you may notice his ogling more than other women would.

 

I think the thing with the 18 year old and him making comments about her "development" was really creepy

[fnlyfrei]

hi - i am in on this thread late. I am just curious, how do your fights go, and what does he say? I mean, do you say, "Stop drooling at that 21 year old!" and then he says, "I wasn't starting" or "no, I won't stop." what exactly do you two say during your fights.

 

Also, when he looks, how long does he look for? Is it like for a second, or a 5 seconds with bulging eyes? Do you think you may be hypersensitive to this? I'm not discounting your feelings, just wondering if you may notice his ogling more than other women would.

 

I think the thing with the 18 year old and him making comments about her "development" was really creepy

 

 

Example:

 

We are in a shopping mall parking lot...a young blonde woman gets out of the passenger side of her boyfriends jeep. She has blonde, shoulder length straightend hair, hip hugger jeans, a wide pink belt...yeah, bratz doll cute. My husband watches them walk away. Unblinking. To the point we are standing there waiting for him to finish watching so we can go into a store. He comments that we should maybe tell them their lights are on so they can come back. (Their lights weren't on.) I guess I didn't get the joke. He watched her until they disappeared into the store. Yeah, I get furious. I am not exagerrating....he ADMITS he has a staring problem. I don't mind NOTICING someone...drooling is another matter.

[Batya33]

I would find that behavior disrespectful. Forgive me if you have answered this as I have seen this asked several times of you - but did he act like this before you were married?

[RayKay]

I would find that behavior disrespectful. Forgive me if you have answered this as I have seen this asked several times of you - but did he act like this before you were married?

 

I second this, and the question...I think you have kind of skirted around that question (understandably, but important too)....

 

I know my boyfriend would look at a good looking woman - heck, I do too...some people just ARE attractive; but you can "look" with discretion. I would however be EXTREMELY bothered by this blatant staring, the strange comments (particularly if he said them to ME!) and the seeming "disregard" towards you. Him saying "yes I know I have a staring problem" seems to me to kind of be saying ".....so I can't help it and I will keep doing it".

[jul-els]

It seems like he just has really poor social skills in this particular regard. How about if you "flip the script" (sorry for the cheesy cliche) and sit down and calmly, caringly, and rationally described his behavior to him it the context of you exhibiting the same exact behavior towards him.

 

Just explain the actions very clinically and with as little emotional attachment as possible (not easy, I know) down to a t.

 

Then ask him; "How would that make you feel?" "What would you do?" Maybe this will help him see how he's acting in a more realistic light and make him more conducive to working on the issue.

[JadedStar]

It seems like he just has really poor social skills in this particular regard. How about if you "flip the script" (sorry for the cheesy cliche) and sit down and calmly, caringly, and rationally described his behavior to him it the context of you exhibiting the same exact behavior towards him.

 

Just explain the actions very clinically and with as little emotional attachment as possible (not easy, I know) down to a t.

 

Then ask him; "How would that make you feel?" "What would you do?" Maybe this will help him see how he's acting in a more realistic light and make him more conducive to working on the issue.

 

I think that is a good idea.

[fnlyfrei]

THought I answered it, must have been interrupted whilst posting...no, before we were married, he wasn't so blatant. We had a two instances where a little red flag went up....but I thought I was being a jerk....and yeah, I did talk to him about them. Since we have been married and spend every moment together now, I guess I just saw more of that side of him. We did not live together until after the wedding...a month after ! And yes, insecurity plays a part. If I felt terrific about myself, I wouldn't get so upset when he paid attention to other women. I am going to work on that.

[Mr. Mysterious]

Have you thought about putting him in your position?

For example, what if the two of you went out together.

Let's say you wear something kinda sexy.

Go somewhere that others will notice you.

And when you see another guy oogling you in front of your husband......give him a sly wink.

Do that a few times and see if he changes his ways.

If he doesn't notice that........it's a REAL bad sign.

[JadedStar]

THought I answered it, must have been interrupted whilst posting...no, before we were married, he wasn't so blatant. We had a two instances where a little red flag went up....but I thought I was being a jerk....and yeah, I did talk to him about them. Since we have been married and spend every moment together now, I guess I just saw more of that side of him. We did not live together until after the wedding...a month after ! And yes, insecurity plays a part. If I felt terrific about myself, I wouldn't get so upset when he paid attention to other women. I am going to work on that.

 

Maybe spending every moment together is part of the issue. Just because we are married doesn't mean we should be glued to the hip. Maybe before he had some alone time and couild get these silly things out of his system, but now you are always together and he is tryign to do what he would normally do alone.

 

I am not saying that will make you feel much better to know he did that when alone, but i would think if he could refrain from this when with you that would be a better alternative.

 

But if you are never apart, this can't happen. Maybe the two of you spending so much time together is making you BOTH get on each others nerves. Sounds like more time apart may help save your marriage.

[fnlyfrei]

Maybe spending every moment together is part of the issue. Just because we are married doesn't mean we should be glued to the hip. Maybe before he had some alone time and couild get these silly things out of his system, but now you are always together and he is tryign to do what he would normally do alone.

 

I am not saying that will make you feel much better to know he did that when alone, but i would think if he could refrain from this when with you that would be a better alternative.

 

But if you are never apart, this can't happen. Maybe the two of you spending so much time together is making you BOTH get on each others nerves. Sounds like more time apart may help save your marriage.

 

Funny thing is...not kidding...HE insists we spend every moment together. I have told him that it isn't healthy and that I need time to myself...and so does he. And as far as him being alone so he can get it out of his system...if he has so much of it in his system...perhaps he wasn't ready for a marriage. Either he puts his eyes back in his head or he is completely invited to call this whole thing off. Especially since his ogle of choice are very young women.

[fnlyfrei]

Well, novo....we just met last sept...it's not even been a year...so yeah, I could have NOT known. I guess I married him too soon. We have only been married two months. My ex husband was a jerk for 22 years and I stuck it out...he never changed. I am not wasting another lifetime if I can see the forest for the trees.

[HealingHandsWarmHeart]

Well, novo....we just met last sept...it's not even been a year...so yeah, I could have NOT known. I guess I married him too soon. We have only been married two months. My ex husband was a jerk for 22 years and I stuck it out...he never changed. I am not wasting another lifetime if I can see the forest for the trees.

 

wow that was fast.

 

are the issues you are having with your current husband...similar to the issues that you had with your ex-husband?