so...Will he call this weekend?

[everythingchanges456]

THANK YOU!! I thought OP was "other person" lol. Yes, it WAS confusing because he said he enjoyed my aggressiveness...then, now, perhaps is turned off by it. I think I definitely showed I was still smitten but he either thought I was too much for the "carefree" dating style he wanted OR the saying no to following through on sex and wanted to be taken out on a date was outside of his goal. I think that he was dishonest...no matter how you look at it because he SHOULD have called me and SHOULD have said something and been upfront about it and not just say he was going to call and then not.

[Batya33]

THANK YOU!! I thought OP was "other person" lol. Yes, it WAS confusing because he said he enjoyed my aggressiveness...then, now, perhaps is turned off by it. I think I definitely showed I was still smitten but he either thought I was too much for the "carefree" dating style he wanted OR the saying no to following through on sex and wanted to be taken out on a date was outside of his goal. I think that he was dishonest...no matter how you look at it because he SHOULD have called me and SHOULD have said something and been upfront about it and not just say he was going to call and then not.

 

I responded to your complaint about his directness in the other thread. I also thought that perhaps he was confused that after you tell him you want him to take you out on a real date you text him with the "I want you" message - that might have been a bit too much for him and confused him because on the one hand you're saying you don't just want to hang out and hook up and you want to get to know him in a dating context, in public, at a restaurant and then you send him the sex-laden message. He also might have found it too aggressive because he already had told you he would contact you and you didn't give him a chance.

 

I thought you also wrote several times that you were willing to do the hang out hook up and see how it went (in a previous post) so maybe he similarly found you unclear as to your intentions or whether you were willing to settle for his hang out hook up offer.

 

I've gone out with many men twice who said they would call again and didn't. To me after only two dates I don't expect a call or an explanation as to why we don't click - it's only two dates. I don't like the "I'll call you" and then they don't but I didn't react as you did and call the person 'dishonest" - it's one of those typical parts of the dating game where very early on no call should just be interpreted as lack of interest - it sounds like somehow just because he invited you to his house twice and called you for one week he somehow is obligated to explain why he doesn't want to see you again.

[everythingchanges456]

I think that the best response to this "maybe" he thought "maybe" you thought stuff comes down to...being mature and having manners. I don't believe that I sent mix messages...however, perhaps because I was clear on my intentions within my own head...IF he was unclear the mature thing to do (since we're not teenagers) would have been to discuss it...not run from it. I don't see making excuses for someone being rude. Okay, you may say that he doesn't know me that well so he doesn't owe me that. I disagree, he took the time to have personal conversations with me, get to know me a bit, let me get to know him a bit, kiss me, being affectionate with me, etc. thereforeeee, why would anyone say it is understandable or make any excuse that it would be okay to just disappear. Say, you won't call....say you want to take this very slow and just see where it goes (no he did not say that...he called every day for over a week and twice the day after I last saw him and said he'd call yet again two days later and never did). There is nothing okay about that. Man up ... I say. You're not breaking up with me...we're not together. Send a voice mail...a text if you're a coward. Or simply say I'm wondering if we want different things.

 

Yes I feel like I came I came off as a genuine screw up in this scenario. He's being the jerk and I feel bad. I know he's wrong...(yes, he's wrong) but somehow all I can think is WHAT I MAY HAVE DONE WRONG.

 

I greatly appreciate, Batya, your advice on the way it should be. I think you have some points about what happened. I think had he been interested in me...none of it would have mattered. Going to his house (and not having sex ... or even having sex) shouldn't have mattered. If he had respect for me as a person...and just to be a good guy...he wouldn't have disappeared with leaving it that he'd call on "Monday."

 

Maybe he'll still call...maybe he won't. Yes I would truly like to understand why and hope that men will chime, if they have the patience to read through my thread, with what they think (as men themselves and having been privy to "guy' talk). Perhaps, he is just taking a BIG step back from a scenario that he felt was moving too fast. Perhaps, he fell off the planet and can't be decent about it. If the ladder is the case...then he lacks maturity and manners in my opinion.

[annie24]

just a question..... have you ever told a guy you'd only talked to a few times that you weren't interested in seeing him anymore? I tried to once, and I couldn't. It was too awkward and difficult, I decided not to return any of his calls. I had no idea how to tell him, "Thanks for the phone calls and the nice date, you seem like a good guy, but I just have absolutely no interest in dating you, e-mailing you, or seeing your face again. and have a good day."

 

seriously. it's awkward. it's one thing to break off a relationship, but it's another thing to break off something that isn't even a relationship.... just a casual acquaintance... that is tricky. I think it's better that he didn't do a "breakup" or call you to tell you he doesn't want to see you again. Know what I mean? I think he just didn't want to burn bridges.

[everythingchanges456]

Yes, I do know what you mean, it makes sense. However, when I left him at 4am and he called me at 10am to say good morning...then calls at 930pm to say hello. It doesn't make sense to never hear again

[annie24]

you never know what happened, so don't stress about it. maybe he bumped into his ex and they got back together and he doesn't know how to call you and say, "thanks for the fun dates, but I'll be taking my ex to that restaurant you wanted to go to." or maybe you said something that turned him off or was a warning flag for him, so he decided not to pursue things. I could give you a million examples of what could have happened, but don't worry about it.

 

There is a chapter in the book, "Mars and Venus on a date" and there is a chapter on why Men don't call. I would recommend you read it.

[Batya33]

I think when you agree to hang out and hook up with someone last minute at his house who you just met it's assumed it's with no strings attached and no obligation to call.

 

I agree it was rude of him not to call when he said he would. Absolutely. But that's only because in general, no matter who it is, it's rude to say you'll call and not call - no matter where you meet, etc. but you seem to be harping on more than just the "not calling" discretion - you seem to be reading into his calling you and talking to you as giving him an obligation to do more than he did - which was to show you with his actions he only wanted to hang out and hook up, show you with his words that at best there was only a slim possibility of a relationship, show you with his words that he didn't want to date you - he only agreed when you brought it up first and he probably felt a bit awkward/put on the spot. He's human just like you were human and couldn't force yourself to say no to hanging out again because you wanted to be with him more than you wanted to wait until he really asked you out. You're human too.

 

You agreed to this no strings attached casual arrangement and you got a lot out of it - you got instant gratification to see him as soon as he called and asked, you had two great evenings with him - conversation, cuddling, flirting, kissing - but on the downside you gave him the impression, until you spoke up, that you were fine with hanging out and hooking up - even when he cancelled on you that second time, you went there the very next time he asked.

 

I don't think there are strings attached when you go on two dates but there is a difference -you both are aware that the man asked you out on a date he planned in advance - he put in effort to see you - you are out in public for at least part of the time getting to know each other in that context (not on a couch,, late at night when you're still virtually strangers), and both people are familiar with the typical structure - (with exceptions) - boy asks girl out on a date, girl accepts, boy takes girl out and at the end of the night usually boy asks girl out again or says "I'll call you" for another date.

 

In these hanging out hooking up situations there's a lot more risk of mixed signals, misinterpretation by both people and confusing impressions. But the upside is you don't have to do all the "wait till he calls" then "wait for the date" then the sometimes awkwardness of sitting accross a table. You got to let it all hang out so to speak. But you also took the risks. Not of rude behavior, but of him not following the typical dating situation of asking you out again. As I mentioned even after a second real date most people don't have the "closure" conversation you would if it were a real date.

 

Once again it was rude of him not to call you - but to me it's unfair of you to take that one rude act and make him out to be dishonest because after two times of hanging out and one week or so of phone calls all of a sudden he owes you an explanation as if you were in a relationship.

 

This is why I don't let myself get attached to the hang out hook up type - I want to avoid exactly this situation of mixed signals, lying to yourself about what you really want, the temptation to blame it on the guy and call him a jerk. That name calling often leads to cynicsm against men in general - I've seen several of my friends go down that unfortunate path - and I wanted to avoid that path - and did.

[everythingchanges456]

When I first thought about getting out there again, as much as I wanted a relationship, I thought maybe some light unattached flings (kissing...sex...no strings just fun) might be good for me. Then I met this good catch and couldn't follow through. I liked him. Now in my up and down feelings on this....I'm wondering if I should have just not done all the get to know you and answering calls...used him for my personal needs and moved on.

 

I feel so rejected...

[Batya33]

When I first thought about getting out there again, as much as I wanted a relationship, I thought maybe some light unattached flings (kissing...sex...no strings just fun) might be good for me. Then I met this good catch and couldn't follow through. I liked him. Now in my up and down feelings on this....I'm wondering if I should have just not done all the get to know you and answering calls...used him for my personal needs and moved on.

 

I feel so rejected...

 

You have known and owned pairs of socks far longer than you knew him, lol! You have done what many of us have done (me too!) - gotten attached in a casual situation. It happens but at least you did have fun, right? He's not a good catch because he is not on the same wavelength as you. As far as your personal needs - could you separate those from emotional attachment? If so I would agree with you but it sounds like that might be hard for you?

 

He couldn't reject you - he didn't know you!

[everythingchanges456]

Apparently he didn't want to. Even just to be nice...or again, maybe he will just on his terms when he feels he's taken a step far enough back. I hope he calls in the next couple days...I will not rush to his house...I'll see him if he invites me out and I'll take it slow enough to learn of his intention. I will not let him know he affected me AT ALL.

If he doesn't call...I'll move on...but will occasionally feel like I messed up (just for a lil while)

The last time I saw him...he said repeatedly...you're just so cute...i want to figure you out...yeah right. You relax me...I'm so comfortable with you. You're so funny, cute, etc....

 

Why is it the ones I'm not sure about or not into are banging down my doors and the one I am interested in...ran from it!

[everythingchanges456]

you never know what happened, so don't stress about it. maybe he bumped into his ex and they got back together and he doesn't know how to call you and say, "thanks for the fun dates, but I'll be taking my ex to that restaurant you wanted to go to." or maybe you said something that turned him off or was a warning flag for him, so he decided not to pursue things. I could give you a million examples of what could have happened, but don't worry about it.

 

There is a chapter in the book, "Mars and Venus on a date" and there is a chapter on why Men don't call. I would recommend you read it.

 

I think it was the warning flag part that he thought he saw and so he ran UGH i messed up

[annie24]

nah, don't worry about it. look, some couples have sex on the first date and wind up happily ever after. others do everything the "right" way and wind up in divorce. I like what batya said, "he is not on your wavelength." Maybe you two just aren't made for each other. that's ok. hey, at least you got a bit of fun out of it

[Batya33]

I understand he said those things and I am sure he meant that at the time - but when you barely know someone - and know them mostly bare (justkidding, just a fun pun!!) it's easy to say lovely flattering things. That's why I believe in watching the feet - the actions - not the lips - especially early on - except for statements about relationships - as I mentioned - to me if someone expressses strong ambivalence plus is not asking me out on dates or being reliable, I assume that as of right then he is trying to make it very clear that there is no potential (and whether that can change, who knows).

 

Also until you know someone over a period of time - over a few months, you really don't know whether the actions match the words - anyone can keep up the calling and the compliments for a week - but if he or she is still doing that 6 months in, you just might have a keeper.

[everythingchanges456]

I understand he said those things and I am sure he meant that at the time - but when you barely know someone - and know them mostly bare (justkidding, just a fun pun!!) it's easy to say lovely flattering things. That's why I believe in watching the feet - the actions - not the lips - especially early on - except for statements about relationships -

 

I like that.....

[Miss M]

Hey, I just remembered a couple more...

IOW = in other words

LTR = long term relationship

 

and this last one might seem obvious, but maybe I should add it instead of just assuming?

PM = private message

 

 

I understand he said those things and I am sure he meant that at the time

I'm different in that I don't feel so sure that he meant what he said at the time, but I'm pretty sure he said it in a way that made it seem as if he meant it at the time. And yes, I still think he was being dishonest.

 

Anyways, when some of us say "watch the feet, not the lips" that means don't be so sure that what he says is really what he means, even when he says it very convincingly, (although I'm guessing batya intended to convey a slightly different meaning?)

[Miss M]

I just want to say that I'm feeling you, and I TOTALLY get what you're saying. I know that's not much, but I hope it helps a little. ((Hugs))

[everythingchanges456]

Thank you.

 

Funny I've decided to give him until Sunday to call if he's playing the take a step way back to give me the hint that he is not looking to move fast or get involved right now approach and if he calls and asks me OUT...I'll likely accept. If he doesn't call by Sunday then I know he won't.

 

If he calls and invites me over then I know what his intentions are.

 

There's still a part of me that wants to just call/text him but probably a very dumb idea.

[annie24]

I wouldn't worry about it anymore. Assume he isn't going to call, and continue your search. if he calls, you will be pleasantly surprised. if he doesn't, it's ok because you've already moved on.

[everythingchanges456]

so calling him...dangerously stupid, right?

keep thinking maybe he text (text hasn't been working for some reason this week from my friends sending me texts 6 days ago that i still haven't gotten...like 4 of them) and maybe he text and i didn't receive it.

[annie24]

he can call again or try again. I've certainly had men call me or e-mail me several times if I didn't reply to their message right away. Your phone is probably fine. I think the ball is in his court.

[Batya33]

I too used to play the "maybe his phone broke/my answering machine broke/he tried to call but didn't leave a message/his fingers broke" etc. I hated the waiting too. If you think his behavior towards you was so manipulative and rude why would you want to call him?

 

I agree that if he calls you, apologizes for not calling when he said he would and asks you out on a proper date, you should go if you're still interested.

[renaissancewoman101]

reading this thread makes me think most people think of dating like a game. A game where both sides can get their feelings hurt.

[everythingchanges456]

what do you think...? do you agree with that or disagree?

 

obviously, I didn't think it was a game...or couldn't play the game well

[annie24]

meh, the early stages of dating are very fickle. it doesn't mean that a relationship will happen. it's more akin to shopping. Just because you walk into a store and you look at a sweater fondly, or even pick it up and try it on, that doesn't mean that you will buy it and walk out with it and not return it the next day. there are many reasons why you might not buy the sweater.

 

maybe this just wasn't the guy for you. I've dated guys, and wondered why it didn't work, and then I found out 2 years later that they had some weird thing going on in their lives, or they were still in love with their ex, or they could never date a democrat or whatnot. doesn't matter. seriously, STOP STRESSING! you'll meet someone who is a better match for you.

[renaissancewoman101]

Annie24, after a while of those types of disappointments, doesn't it make you jaded about dating and meeting guys?