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so...Will he call this weekend?

everythingchanges456

By everythingchanges456
in Dating Advice

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Miss M Experienced

Miss M

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....the following morning my phone rang while I was still asleep (I had slept in) it was him calling on the way to his Mom's to get some work done for her just to make sure that I was awake because it was a beautiful day and he didn't want me to miss it (so sweet).

Since he didn't handcraft the "beautiful day" and didn't personally deliver it to you (both of which would be TOTALLY impossible), there was nothing particularly "sweet" about him waking you up. That was just empty words, a smokescreen so he could pretend he was doing something generous and special for you when he really wasn't.

 

And I also don't think he's spending that much time with his mom.

 

In fact, when I look at everything you've posted about this guy it seems particularly unimpressive to me.

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everythingchanges456 Apprentice

everythingchanges456

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Since he didn't handcraft the "beautiful day" and didn't personally deliver it to you (both of which would be TOTALLY impossible), there was nothing particularly "sweet" about him waking you up. That was just empty words, a smokescreen so he could pretend he was doing something generous and special for you when he really wasn't.

 

And I also don't think he's spending that much time with his mom.

 

In fact, when I look at everything you've posted about this guy it seems particularly unimpressive to me.

 

 

His father recently passed away so yes...he actually likely is spending that much time with his Mom.

 

He didn't have to call in the morning so though not a grand gesture...I thought it was sweet nonetheless.

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Miss M Experienced

Miss M

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Boy ya'll are tough on him. My friend yesterday thought it was very sweet of him to call in the morning. It showed he was thinking of me.

Sorry hon, I don't mean to be so tough, really. I just don't get why a morning phone call is "sweet." After all, it doesn't come close to making up for the fact that rest of the time he seems to act as if you're nothing special. And maybe if he hadn't said that he didn't want you to miss the beautiful day? Gosh, that sounds totally cheesy to me, and like he's trying to take credit for giving you something that God gives us all.

 

But then, when I've let it be known that I'm sleeping in, I get cranky when someone wakes me up.

 

By the way, how did you end up seeing him again (going to his house?). I'm getting that it was another last-minute spontaneous occasion, but did he invite you, or did you invite yourself again? Not trying to give you a hard time, but I'm just curious.

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Batya33 Grand Master

Batya33

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when a man is sincerely interested in dating you the frustrating part is at a minimum. The minute you have a hint of insecurity - the minute you find yourself thinking about listening to sarah mclachlan (my personal favorite when I am frustrated with a man), the phone is ringing and it is him wanting to take you out on a date or tell you what a lovely time he had last night and is looking forward to seeing you again. OK so I am exxagerating a bit but those insecure times are far and few between when a man is sincerely interested in dating you.

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Batya33 Grand Master

Batya33

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Just to be clear - it wasn't wrong at all. It was absolutely right to go and hang out with him because your priority was that you were excited to see him and wanted to see him right then despite the disadvantages. It is, to me and perhaps some others, inconsistent with wanting to see if the two of you could be involved in a long term relationship and inconsistent with giving him the impression of serious intentions, but there's no reason to give up hanging out with someone you're excited to see just because of that. But the behavior itself - nothing wrong with it, sounds like you had a lot of fun.

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Miss M Experienced

Miss M

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ETC, I'm not judging you nor your decision as wrong. I've done plenty of things in my life that could be seen as wrong, so I really don't judge. I'm just asking you these questions so you can ask them of yourself. In the end it's your life and your decision and I totally respect that.

 

I also know it's easy for me to sit back and give advice when my own emotions aren't involved. And I know why it feels so tough for you because I've had my own similar type challenges to which I've also succumbed. All I'm really saying is if you get physically involved with this man you should be clear within yourself about what you're doing and your reasons for doing it. And I think you shouldn't expect anything like a meaningful relationship from him, because he seems to be giving all indications that he's not thinking along those lines. If you get physical with him you should go in without any expectations beyond the physical, and that way you won't be disappointed.

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everythingchanges456 Apprentice

everythingchanges456

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I know. I don't think I could be physical and not get attached unless I saw it as that from the get go. Two weeks of phone conversations and learning about one anothers lives...tender kisses and looking in one anothers eyes and now I can't just view it as a hook up. He says things to the contrary of a hook up...things that make me feel he is really interested in me but it scares him (he doesn't say it scares him but i get the impression he is cautious)

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itsallgrand Grand Master

itsallgrand

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He seems either lazy, preoccupied, or not interested in any serious.

 

The invites for you to go to him, and little calls here and there, he's being lazy and half you-know-what about it.

 

I think he should have asked you on a date by now. At the very least, to meet up somewhere that requires him to put some effort into reaching you.

 

I'd carry on, but that's just me.

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itsallgrand Grand Master

itsallgrand

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You mentioned his father's passing. That could be a major preoccupation factor.

 

Being left as the man of the house. Dealing with grief, and a grieving mother. All that.

 

Perhaps the timing is off.

 

Any chance you could run into him later? Keep a light contact but give him time?

 

It's one idea. If you have mutual friends, it might figure out some how.

 

Or you could stick around and wait patiently, being content with as it is now. That seems like quite a lot to do for someone you have yet to really get to know, though.

 

hope it works out for you anyways. At least, it's nice to meet someone who gives us that Zing! and spark again.

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Miss M Experienced

Miss M

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Well, I think it's really good when other women chime in because it shows that it's not only Batya and I who have these thoughts (hint, hint )

 

Miss M...why do you think that things aren't adding up? You think I'm being naive that he is spending so much time with his Mom? Truly (not that it is even my business at this point anyway)...but it was I think one day last weekend...one day this weekend and one night during the week...and sure I believe him.

"Naïve" isn't a word I like to use describe people, because it's most often used as a way to unkindly criticize someone who is too trusting. I don't like to criticize because 1)I have absolutely no right to do that, and 2)I think criticism is counter-productive and won't help you to sort out what's really going on. But without the negative connotations, yes, naïve is an accurate word... also gullible. At this point I think you don't know him well enough to believe what he says. It seems like you should still be in a "wait and see" mode, and not let his excuses/explanations cause you see him as a noble man. (Of course I know that's easy for me to say because I haven't gazed into his eyes, ahhh. )

 

As to his father's death, I'll just say that if he really wanted to get to know you the 2-year old passing of his father wouldn't be a factor... and neither would the seemingly noble deeds of looking after his grieving mother keep him away from you.

 

I know he seems to be doing the gallant and decent thing by looking after his mother, but personally, I think it's suspicious. There is some vague memory (that I can't even recall at the moment) of a man(men?) using his mother as a way to cover that he was really spending time with other women. First it may seem legitimate and even admirable, but then as time goes on it seems more and more suspicious. In those relatively small snippets of time you've had contact with him it seems his mother gets mentioned a lot. I have an automatic suspicion of any man who is that attentive to his mother, whether it's legitimate or not, because most single adult men have a life, dates, hobbies, jobs, socializing with male and female friends, etc. And their mothers' roles are much less prominent ones.

 

Also, I think it's a classic smokescreen for a man to say he doesn't want a relationship, but also wouldn't rule it out (I saw that mentioned somewhere?). It's a totally ambivalent comment that's meant to tell you the truth (that he's not interested in a relationship with you), while also giving you threads of hope to cling to. It's only used when a guy wants to keep a woman around who might otherwise discard him if he honestly and flatly told her the complete truth. The least honest men say that they do in fact want a meaningful relationship with you; they just tell an outright lie to get sex. But those who aren't as comfortable with an outright lie will typically say they aren't looking for a relationship, but also wouldn't rule it out. That's designed to pull on the emotions of any optimistic woman who tends to see the glass as half full. It's also designed to prompt you to prove your worthiness, as someone(Batya?) has already pointed out. And it's interesting that a man who isn't putting in much effort seems to be inviting you to put in more effort? Personally I've heard that comment so often that I immediately and summarily discard any guy who lets it pass from his lips, but that's just me. And then a teeny-tiny percentage of men will just tell the whole truth without adding the hook. Those are rare.

 

The fact that he's being CLASSICALLY ambivalent with you, not showing any genuine interest or effort, is calling you to pretend he's giving you the gift of a beautiful day, and supposedly is spending so much time with his mom, and is calling you only for last-minute visits to his home, etc. etc. etc... just seems to add up to a big red flag IMO. One single thing by itself might not stand out as a red flag, but when I step back to look at the overall picture from a dispassionate perspective, it's starting to sound like all of his combined excuses/explanations are lame ones.

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itsallgrand Grand Master

itsallgrand

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That's my honest opinion. Actually, right from the start of how she explained it all going down.

However! I do tend to jump the gun, so wanted to gather more info.

 

Also, can think of a few times where I met a guy who really got my eye and heart right fast, and so I was willing to overlook much in the beginning. Most times, finding out rather quick that he wasn't for me.

 

Then looking back when it was over going "what was I thinking?!" oh yeah. I really wanted it to happen, sort of thing.

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