IAmFCA

You're not my ex - you've never been mine. I will not chat with you although you for some reason expect to chat with me... I appreciated your message. Some acknowledgement was called for. Sometimes, you seem aware of what it means to look after my softness and let it know it is safe. And yet... we remain engaged in a control deadlock of epic proportions. I demand intimacy before sex. You demand sex before intimacy. Of course we don't demand. We give minimal amounts. You want to judge my suitability based on my sex? Really? Get a hooker. You ask women to open themselves up to you when you are only a smidge vulnerable emotionally. It is an imbalance you claim to not understand. Well. I match my vulnerability to yours, Sir, and therefore, we have been on a treadmill for longer than some marriages. My requirements are nothing, a pittance. And a universe. Give, or go. BTW you love me. It is so obvi. Love isn't everything. You might find someone more suitable. That will cause a conflict for you. Deal with it.

Yes, life affirming!

Ambitious ladies attempt running marathons. HARDY

Dedication repairs a mercurial alliance. ANGST

iag, i am sorry for your loss, and for the abrupt disruption of expectations, rhythms, and personal power that comes with it. very glad to read that the two of you pulled together. ♡ when i had a miscarriage, i found comfort in the discovery that many people have been through this. If that is true for you, there you go: one more to add to the list.

well put and so very true

this cracked me up Touching his injured glute hurt. SWANK

Could I watch a movie with you now? You bet I could. It would feel so good to have that quiet place you provide. Do I like someone else who seems (seems, only, it is too new) to hold more potential? I sure do. Interesting, he shares a lot of your traits except a big big difference. Rather than be fearful enough to avoid responsibility for his involvement with someone else, he involves himself with many people in many ways and talks with each openly about their roles with him and his roles with them. He trusts them to manage themselves, and knows their choices aren't his responsibility because he was transparent. That is all you need, and I wonder if you don't already think you do it. Just to be clear, you don't. In any event, it remains that the people whom I collect are people who are irreplaceable. They are people of consequence. You are one of those people, whether we express it to one another doesn't matter.

It still takes a bit of practice, letting you go. It feels singularly grounding to be in your embrace, but that feeling will happen again. So much that nobody else could tolerate, that I could. Feeling that you are not good enough, that's killer. I hope you find a way to break that pattern.

You were behind me in line this morning. I saw you, you obvi saw me, my car is so distinctive. I didn't wave hello. Didn't even occur to me to do so. You are hot as blazes. I'm kinda sure you feel the same about me. Its a pity you were hesitant to pursue consistently. It would have been powerful.

did you get it? if i were you i would read it, throw it away, shove memory into a box, and "never" talk to me again.

Yes! Exactly. I declined an early concert because I didn't know about his dual tracks. It was an oops.

I wrote a lot this morning. I think I ended up in the same spot where you are. Most powerfully, I identified the gift, articulated it. Felt its loyalty. You will get my letter; it will make sense. And then there is nothing but time. You will not unchoose me, I have to unchoose you. I have around me two extroverts. Maybe they exist to remind me how much I enjoy letting my energy coast in the brightness of others. One is not serious. One may be rebounding. Both could be serious, one day. Its a slow awakening. I wish myself grace to let you float away.

I said, within a few days you’ll be gone. You protested, drew me close, and then, poof, you were gone. You tried to pretend wanting to see me, and that really was the worst. That fake invitation didn’t make sense, and it felt cheap and disrespectful and dishonest. Why would you do that? Oh, I made it worse, to be sure. A plant had finally been watered, it’s green shoots just coming through the soil, and then crushed under the non-negotiable footfall of your disinterest. A fake invite. Part of a longer pattern. The very thing I said, and you drew me close anyway. Neither of us handled it as best we could. You think it’s nice to say nothing. I think it’s respectful to be told. We have been friends, we have been keenly observant of one another. It is respectful, responsible, and something I would appreciate. Instead you avoided, and I expressed the pain of my discovery as confusion and anger. Predictable. Regrettable. Avoidable. I suggest to you, fwiw, that a direct address is better. The pain will happen no matter what. If you are direct with someone, you can manage the message, state your new goals with each other even if it is only to think kindly of one another. This serves your interests. It protects your option in a way that a fake invite does not. It allows you to float new terms, change ground rules, to be explicit. It would have served your purposes, even if that purpose was to dismiss me entirely.

Whoa. Did you know, previously, the identity of your birth father? And even if you did, striking that the DNA test identified and named him in its report back to you. It never struck me that the testing companies accumulate so much information and use to better illuminate future testing results. Mind blowing potential. Like making the first dictionary.

i get smiley face. Which is what, yes? no? dodge? it's all breadcrumbs. Put it in front of my face. over a drink i would tell you of my pain. you would fix it? i would ask you, how do i explore an issue with you, and you would answer its easier not to bother. i think.

Well yes, that's what I was just thinking. Then I realized... its what do I want. That is the question.

Do. Worthwhile. Its power is in part in how spare it is so I'll not say a word. I think you might like it.

Three Billboards Powerful, engrossing. A story of love, really. Compelling.

Well, hindsight tells me I offered you the dregs of me. I guess two years of multiple deaths will do that to a person. So, that's on me. I am going to be fast. I am going to be happy. You are going to see it in my face. When I win, you will know. I am not sure how, maybe I will have to tell you my dang self, but you will know. You will be glad for me. By then, maybe I won't care, but right now, I want you to think, oh dang. I should have hung on to that. Its all good though. I know where I am going. It is going to get better from here. I feel it. I see my shadow life with you in it, everywhere. I would have liked seeing this movie with you. The fish was good too. I am glad to be done with you. Forced me out. Before this weekend is over, I will have had 5 dates/meets. I am hurt. I also am happy as a clam. (That is a funny saying!) None of them are you, its true. In some ways, my dear, that is a good thing. My father died, you know? It matters. You don't know. But, you will, in 5 or 10 years. You will know. So much about me you will discover by looking in your rear view mirror. Pity. Ill be gone by then, you will have only your memory.

Your vocal emphasis on the word - you knew exactly what I meant when I thanked you for it. You made me level jump. Gosh dang you are the person who can answer my question. Ok. I will blog here to frame the question. Maybe I'll never ask you.

Let's just put this out there. You are -er than many. Richer than. hotter than. sexier than. smarter than. more confident than. ... I want it. I am finding men in transition still. My pics will help. This means I am in transition. hm

I don't want to tell you these things but I want you to know them. Am peeling off layers of depression. 2016 was no prize. 2017 stunk up the place. Now that I've unblocked my emotions, tears are close to the surface. I am sorry for however that impacted my choices. I am glad to be on the road to finding someone to have fun with. I still want that to have been you. Its just faith x 1,000 that it turns out however it is supposed to, and I know your personality may have suppressed mine over time. But I really truly could love you if you invited me to, and love you hard. I still wonder if I ever will even as I know I won't. You are a problem I never solved. I am a problem you never solved. Its bothersome. We ought to just get after it.

I've said what I need to say. It just feels wrong. It feels wrong. My best choice is turn the corner and become my next self. I will hope you miss, want, raise a hand. I will hope. The sooner I stop hoping, the better. Turn the corner. I hurt. I know you hurt. But you created a new path and that's that. Maybe shes a friend already, maybe she will stick. Her timing is right. You are ready now. You weren't, when we met. My prayers will be for guidance to the proper outcome. Would I be bowled over if you were to reconnect? Oh, yes. Yes I would. Very much. But that's fantasy. I HAVE to close this door. Have to. Have to close it without showing you its lock. Thank goodness you can't see me or hear me. What you saw was my (test) invite, my TY for the straightforward decline. Your words did not say Another time. Its so over over over. You know I am dribbling out and you're being nice about it. I'll not hear from you, unless she doesn't work, and then only maybe. But she will work out. You will make sure of it. You risked me for it and you knew I was expensive. You never stumble, but you did because you knew. I just flashed forward to graduation, two of you there. Suck. Well. I have time to deal with that. I'm done droning on. I'm bored of myself.

Two odds and ends - TY: Your implicit directive re church got me to go. I've been avoiding it since Dad. - FWIW Am addressing my reactive impulse at its source and replacing with a stronger foundation & different skills. Its like whack-a-mole. I usually win. Those suckers show me something new on occasion and get ahead of me. That's all.