MissDashwood

How about a different version of this for me? Guy friend of mine and I used to be close (there was attraction) but because of an age gap we couldn't be together, so we stayed "friends". But now he is married and I am "legal" as it were. He and I have emailed for 2.5 years now and he just recently reminded me of his personal email address for the fourth time and also gave his work email as well, plus his home address for writing too. Now, when he gave me these it was my graduation party (four weeks prior to his wedding date) and he told me to write and to also give him my college email as soon as I have it. I have written once through email and once through post, both of which have been strictly platonic and "just friends" in tone, but haven't heard anything at all in response. I don't even know if he's married now. I was one of the first people he told when he planned to get engaged so I don't understand why he hasn't written to me at all when he is the one who has been adamant that we write to each other! What are his motives for this? Thanks! PS - Sorry to anyone who's already heard this story, just trying to get other perspectives in a different area.

I think it's funny that this question is so heated these days because it used to be general practice that girls were married off between the ages of 16-23 nearly a century and beyond ago. Today there is so much controversy over protecting children and keeping them pure as far as possible and such, which is fine now as I agree that this is a different time period and teens do not have a mindset of being married off to a 30 year old man at 18. It doens't happen anymore and so teens have been slowed down by society. It is true that society has turned the teenage adults of a Jane Austen novel (example) into "children" now who are not "emotionally mature" to handle "the hard expectations of love". For crying out loud, 40 year olds hardly know what the expectations of love are. This is a time when divorce is a quick out and men and women expect to be on the same playing field and so men do not have to "respect" women as gentle, delicate females because a woman would find that condescending now! I know some girls back from high school who I would have said are complete nutters if they claimed they were in love, both because of who they were interested in as well as their interactions with the boy being superficial. A date would be twenty of their friends hanging around a tree at the park doing nothing. It's bogus. I don't believe in "dating" in that way that even 20-somethings think counts - clubbing and getting drunk, are you kidding me? The Real World is the worst broadcasting of the idiocy of 20-somethings. I believe "courtship" is a more proper term for what should happen. Who needs to "date around" to "have fun while you're young" and waste precious time "mingling" when you could just be looking for someone for long-term happiness? That's what I intend to do. And also, as for my story from above, I was 13/14 when I had the crush but I didn't feel "the twinges of love" until I was 16, but I can definitely say that the real feeling of love didn't come until I was 17.5 .

Edited because I was stupid to air my laundry on here. Only I can handle the situation I'm in as well as what comes of it. Nobody else.

I agree on the emotional and physical cheating being both equally important. Physical means that the partner is no longer attracted to what was originally offered, that they want better elsewhere. Just the matter of seeking a physical interaction from someone else is terrible. But if you add in an emotional connection, actual preference for someone new in all aspects, that is terrible too. But I think love instead of lust is a more worrisome factor in cheating. Imagine your husband is caught cheating with a prettier, younger girl. He's obviously attracted to something he wasn't getting anymore and acted on it. She had something you don't. But, what if this girl is intelligent, successful, fun, an all-around great gal who just happened to fall into the relationship? What if the husband loves this girl, would rather be with her because he thinks she's a better mate? That's where a woman would feel an even deeper hurt. That's complete rejection on all levels. That the husband is interested in someone better and you simply can't live up to her? Wow.

I had a crush on a teacher when I was 13/14, never talked to him because I was too nervous, but paid attention to who he was in class and watched how he interacted with others and the crush grew to admiration because I found him to be truly a wonderful person. Because of it I pushed myself to get to know him even though I left that school and through the course of a further four years I can now say that being as close with him as I could get, I feel love for him now. I realized it was love, or darn close, about two years ago, but it's official. He is the first person I ever loved and though it doesn't look like there will be a "we" in the not-too-distant future, I'd like to hope that life will put him and me together one day as I think we belong.

Thank you!!

Edited because it was stupid to air my laundry in this way to people who neither know me nor my situation in full. I am the only one who can handle it and anything that comes of it.

Let me give my 2 cents as I am a girl who happens to go for shy guys all the time. First, let's identify what shy really is: Shy is what you call someone who isn't good at socializing with new people or who doesn't always take part in conversations, typically because what is being talked about may not interest them. Almost always a shy person will "scope" out a person and wait to be addressed; and if they are addressed and there is a good topic at hand, then generally a shy peson becomes extremely talkative and can put forth commentary. It's normally just about feeling awkward with new people is all, and awkward not knowing what to say. However, a reserved person is the type who just doesn't talk to anyone and even when addressed may not have much to say. That doesn't mean they don't have anything to say - it just means it will be really hard to get it out of them or they may have a social problem with handling new people and talking. It just depends. But in the case of people who you think are shy, the key is to be the one to take the initiative to talk because they're not going to. And if after a few minutes you don't manage to get words out of them, then they might just not be into talking at all. Now, as for shy GUYS, yes, they are sometimes more appealing to females. Typically it is shy guys who shy girls go for, in my case, or older women who see the benefit of a shy guy. But rarely will you find an outgoing girl going after a shy guy. So, an example of a great shy guy with the positive characteristics a girl such as myself goes for: Alan Rickman. Based on what his fans, and I am one, know of him, he has the following traits: *Thoughtful and quiet, but outgoing and friendly once you know him *Very manly, but displays feminine characteristics that reveal a softer, more vulnerable side *Charming and extremely funny *Sensual in a romantic light, sexual in a fiery light *Handsome and attractive in a strange way - very boyish-looking but also has mysterious eyes with a voice that makes every one of his female fans swoon; many like his smile as well and ironically, the lines of his face give him this "lived-in" look and it does make him more appealing; suggests wisdom and girls go for that *Very educated, well-read, and sophisticated; but also has a rebellious, fun-loving side (is a fan of the film CHASING AMY and loves roller coasters) *Has more polished tastes in music and the arts - loves going to the movies, theatre, loves classical music but also likes Coldplay, and loves reading and travel; but also will put on a good game of soccer/football or a tennis match and go down to a pub to enjoy the festivities *Strikes women as understanding of females and knowledgeable of what makes them happy and aims to please *Kind and caring, all-around nice person and someone you never have to worry would be the type to hurt you in any way *Very timid and so thereforeeee pleasant and lovely to be around; nothing but positivity; not an an obnoxious or rude bone in his body - is not the type of guy who's going to whistle when a girl walks past and say some filthy line. This is the type of guy I go for and frankly, you don't find them anywhere really. From what I've heard, Alan Rickman is the only guy walking around with these qualities, but then again I haven't done comparative studies yet. The type of guy I've described is a guy who isn't doing anything wrong in a woman's eye: He's manly enough to not be a wimp, but he's vulnerable enough to not be cold and impersonal; he can go enjoy the symphony with a girl but also be rowdy for the sports team he supports; low-maintenance when a guy's favorite things to do are go to the movies and the theatre and reading; has that sensuality meaning he is gentle, bit can turn on the rough sexuality when called upon. He is good-looking but not to the point where you worry that he's too pretty for you (how many girls will agree that though Brad Pitt is beautiful, they'd feel self-conscious next to a man like him?). Also, while Rickman can enjoy a film like CHASING AMY and go to a theme park to have fun, he is also very intelligent and you know that you would find stimulating conversation. And also that he's one who will talk. There's nothing worse than being with a guy who doesn't want to talk to you about anything because he either doesn't have much to say to girls or because he doesn't have anything meaningful to say at all!

Okay, at 16 I told a guy that I liked him, and I mean, I didn't use a stronger word than like, but it was implied that it was stronger. He and I were friends and getting close with each other and very cutesy goofy with each other. There was enough coming from his side that made me at least have this feeling that he liked me. At the time, I had never had anybody show interest in me in the way he was showing me interest. Now, through circumstances, he and I were not in a position to have a relationship at all. But, if we were allowed, I would have liked one. So, I tell the guy that I like him (it was in a birthday card of all things). He hugged me for the card and the gift I brought him (I actually used to make a special dessert that he likes for his birthdays) and then we talked for a little while and he said what I wrote was very sweet. He seemed a bit nervous or sheepish but he did not recoil and he did still hug me. So anyhoo, about a week later I was just feeling a tad funny around him because of what I wrote and felt maybe it wasn't the right thing to do. I told him that I was sorry if I was a bit too forward with writing that and perhaps it wasn't right to do it as I did and so soon. Again, there were circumstances prohibiting any sort of relationship. He then sighed like a weight was coming off his chest and said he meant to bring it up (I could tell he was too nervous to start the conversation, though he is older than me by 9 years) but never did and he was glad I decided to. He said he was flattered by how I felt and that a relationship at the time would be wrong. He used "at the time." Yet he and I after that day would continue to have an even closer friendship and we were never cowed by what went down and it didn't put a damper on anything. But, two years ago, about six months after this card incident, I found out he got himself a girlfriend because he and I were still prohibited. He didn't even want me to know he had one at first. And when i didn't react in a funny way to the news he took it as my being okay with it. I wasn't of course. He and I stayed friendly but after that he was distant with me and has been ever since. He is not the same goofy excited guy I once knew with me, though he is with everyone else. I am the only one who he reacts too with a dull, plain attitude whereas we used to be cutesy goofy with each other flirted quite a bit. That ended. And while he does still show he cares for me very much and has said that I am "very important" to him and he'll "never forget me", there is still this matter of how he really feels for me. We stay in contact though i don't see him anymore because he moved and was supposed to get married last month. I did see him two months ago because I had a special occasion he came for, but since then he hasn't written nor emailed even though he was adamant that I write to him since he gave me two emails and his home address to write to. I don't understand how we could go from extremely friendly to the point that it was annoyingly cutesy and made other people wonder, to disconnected due to some kind of block he's put on me, yet he still insists on my keeping in contact with him and still shows that he cares for me. And now we would be in a position to have a relationship - with the small hiccup that he decided a year ago that that girlfriend of his was the one to get engaged to. I wonder now if I am somehow "tempting" to him now and what that means in terms of his marriage? I knew him before her and now that he and I could have a relationship if he wasn't married, I wonder how that factors into things? It doesn't make sense for him to be so distant with me if he was 100% solid in his relationship. I don't see how someone could marry someone unless they were 100% and if I'm actually right and he is tempted by me, what does that mean for the future? Is he more liable to divorce? Be unhappy? Still have interest if we stayed in contact? And not that I'm looking to ruin their relationship - I just worry for what it could spell for him as he has said to me before that he doesn't want to ever have to divorce. Well, given other aspects of this marriage of his, it would seem like a possibility. But what I am just focused on is his distancing he and I and what that means to me. Sorry for the long post.

I chose "Still Finding Out If It Is True" because I am in a situation where I don't know how this guy feels for me due to unbelievably nuts circumstances, but nevertheless I am aware that if I knew for sure whether he harbors a liking or love for me, I wouldn't want to just love him and leave him because in all honesty, it is clear to me that he and I are a perfect match. So I don't want to just leave the guy and find out in ten years that had we finally gotten together it would have been wonderful, but instead we didn't and things turned out wretched, you know? Like, why risk giving up what is the best thing for you for the chance that maybe you'll find another? Why bother continuing the search when you might have it here and in front of you now? That's where I'm coming from.

Have you ever seen the film LOVE ACTUALLY? I think the situation in that film between the husband and wife is truly accurate to what your husband may be experiencing. In the film, the husband is "seduced" by his much-younger co-worker whom makes it her goal to have an affair with despite meeting his wife and everything. The husband and wife have two children and the wife is at a point where she is not as attractive anymore and prefers dumpy clothing to "trendy" outfits like the co-worker. The husband is rather coerced into the relationship with the co-worker and buys her a necklace which the wife finds, expecting it to be for her. Instead, she never receives the necklace (it was Christmas). Now, the film does not show anything between the co-worker and husband in terms of sex, but the co-worker made it perfectly clear to him that if he gave her something "pretty" for Christmas, he would get "something" in return. We see that the girl received the necklace, but we do not see if he ever received anything, though it is implied. Now, the smart move on the wife's part is how she calls him out on it - she basically threatens him with taking the children to "cut and run". She does stay with him however for the children and because he does own up to being a fool and is clearly remorseful. We see that they're not as happy as they were but they are dealing with it because they had years together. The point of this long post (forgive me) is that the husband was being propositioned by a young, pretty co-worker who was seemingly interested in him. He was cowed by it in the beginning, shocked and a little nervous with her. However, he fell for the tricks because she showed genuine interest. So, I think in the case of men actually acting out their desires like the husband did in the film shows a lack of something they're wanting, also male idiocy ( ); but if a man is just looking and would never in a million years react, again, male idiocy just for looking ( ), but it's also a good thing that he can control it. And also, there are many men out there who are different. Take this example as something nifty: the actor who played in LOVE ACTUALLY as the husband is Alan Rickman. He never married nor had kids, but he has been with the same woman since he was 19 - and she was his first girlfriend (and last, it seems). He is 60 years old now and while he gets to act onscreen with other women and perhaps get that momentary rush of male excitement to be involved with a younger girl onscreen, he has never acted on it and broken up with the girlfriend of forty years. That and he is said to be generally the greatest man around! But that's more one of his female fans talking.

Edited because it was stupid to air my laundry to others in this way. I got too close with a guy I should have known it would never work out with and he made the mistake of getting too close too, too emotionally involved. Mine is the type of situation when life really sucks!