malcontent

It's weird how you can be doing so well for so long and then out of the blue feel sad just because of a dream, or hearing a song, or anything else that might remind you of the ex. You'll get through this. It's true what they say: no one can love you until you love yourself. You need to stop focusing on her and start focusing on yourself. Take advantage of this opportunity to be completely selfish. You can do what you want, when you want, and with whom you want (except, unfortunately, the ex....sorry). If you haven't been doing this yet, exercise. For me it's the best medicine by far. Nothing improves your mood more than natural endorphins, and I can't think of anything that produces more of those than strenuous exercise. It gives you a feeling of accomplishment and pride, or at least it does for me. Keep the chin up and just focus on yourself.

I feel like it gets easier as the time goes on. Today is three weeks with no "official" contact. I crossed paths with her and her new guy out one night, but I just waved hello and went about my business.

I personally think that leaving the person you're with to be with someone else is only a notch or two below actually cheating. If you're emotinally available and/or searching for something new, then you shouldn't be in a relationship. In a perfect world, relationships could end naturally due to actual, irreconcilable differences as opposed to because of "someone else". My relationship ended recently, and to be honest it was basically the "Terri Schaivo" of relationships for a while there at the end. It had to end, but it still hurt me like hell that she started seeing someone so soon after we broke it off. She and the new guy had been building a relationship over the past few months, purely in the emotional sense, but nevertheless it was fundamentally dishonest and disrespectful to me. Plus, I've know the guy my whole life - he's a friend of mine's father. He's like 61 years old and she's 37. I'm digressing, but my point is that I think it's a sign of a weak and insecure person to build their next relationship before they end their current one. Like I said, if you know you're unhappy and your needs aren't being met, then end the relationship for that reason as soon as you know. Don't keep using that person to provide for you emotionally, physically, or financially. That's just selfish. Plus, having a relationship end and then knowing your ex is almost immediately giving it up to a new guy is like a double-whammy. Even when you wanted it to end anyway. It's weird, I know, but that's the way it goes....

ocrob, It's sort of ironic, because one of the biggest problems my ex and I had was that I always felt that she was too dependent on me for everything. She was always calling, always tracking me down, always making plans for when I'd be coming over next, always needing something, or whatever it may have been. I felt completely smothered by her and tried to get her to be more independent. I told her I'd like it if she hung out with her friends once in a while or found a hobby she liked...anything to show me that she could function independently of me. Well, she did. She found a guy who's 23 years older than she is who I've known my whole life...not exactly what I meant, but, as they say, "be careful what you wish for"... As far as having anything keeping me in the town where I live, no, I don't. There were a lot of times I tried explaining to the ex that I was going to have to leave because there wasn't anything for me around here, professionally speaking. I guess now's my chance, eh? My plan right now is to move to Boston at some point this summer. I've got a lot of friends down there, plus my sister and her fiance live there and have been bugging me to move down there for a while now. I've currently got my resume circulating around with friends who are well-established in the city. I plan to start networking in the next few weeks. In the meantime, I've re-dedicated myself to being physically fit again. I really let go during the relationship: stopped going to the gym, barely rode my bicycle, never went hiking. In other words, I stopped doing most of the things that I've always felt were most important to me. In just two months back at the gym, I've seen huge improvements accross the board. I've also got almost 700 miles on my bike already this spring, and it's not even May yet. I've also dropped about 20 pounds in the past two months. I agree completely with your sentiments regarding a change of scenery. I just want to work at rebuilding myself and regaining the confidence that, for me at least, always goes hand in hand with being in good shape. Once I feel great about myself, I'll be ready to relocate and hopefully pick up where my life left off before the past three and a half years of grief.

Nicely written post. Good luck at the wedding, I can imagine how stressful that would be for me. I've been apart from my ex-gf for about two months now and even though I've been doing NC for the past almost three weeks, I still have an involuntary fight-or-flight type anxiety reaction when we cross paths. It doesn't help that she's always got her new man, whom she was with a week after we split, all over her. Your post seems to indicate that you expect her to be attending the wedding alone; are you certain about this? How would her having a date change your approach? That's a big part of my problem, that my ex and the new guy are have basically been attached at the hip since they started hanging out. Meanwhile, even though I had wanted out of the relationship for a long time, I'm nowhere near ready to be dating again yet. I feel like I need to lick my wounds for a while longer and work to improve myself, mentally, emotionally, and physically. I know this will just sound like sour grapes, and it probably is, but the fact that I'm dealing with the loss by myself while she loses herself in a new fling stings. How would you handle this? How do you maintain your composure when confronted with that extremely uncomfortable situation? I'm hoping it's just a function of time.

He's probably keeping it from you because it's none of your business. Even though you "talk all the time", he's probably got you partitioned into the acquaintance portion of his life and is not comfortable sharing private details with you. That, or he doesn't want to have to deal with the probing questions you'll end up asking him: "Is she prettier than me?" "Do you like her more than me?" Personally, I can't believe how selfish you are. Get over yourself and let him get on with his life.

I know what you're saying about her son. Her selfish behavior destroyed her marriage, and god only knows how many men she's going to parade through her sons life given her lifestyle. She's really, really hot. She knows it. She dresses sort of slutty and thinks she needs to be able to seduce any man. To be honest, there are probably not that many guys who wouldn't screw her given the chance. It's just that she's a better lay than SO. She can't be trusted and she's an emotional vampire. I can't imagine the disrespect her son is going to have for women when he grows up...WATCH OUT LADIES.

Well, I don't know, per se, but there were definite indications. I will attempt to get into the details, but it's such a particular situation with so many moving parts that it'll be tough to prove anything one way or another. I'll put it this way: her son found a used condom under her bed. She and I never used condoms. The caveat: she lives in an apartment located in a house occupied by a family with four sons, two of whom are 17 and 19. Their "rec room", where they have parties on weekends and stuff, is located accross the hall from her apartment and they are in and out of her place all the time when she's not there because they let her dog out when she's at work and stuff. She told me about the condom and brought it downstairs and showed the landlord, who in turn had the locks changed. There were many, many times we'd come home and the toilet seat would be up with pee in it, and those were times when I'd been there the night before and had been with her the whole day it happened, so I knew there wasn't another guy there with her. The house where her apartment is located has a very communal atmosphere. The grandparents live in the in-law apartment downstairs and have three dogs themselves. They are in her place all the time. Anyway, I wasn't there when her son found it and there's no way I ever would have found out about it if she hadn't told me. Part of me thinks it was some sort of elaborate cover story she thought up after her son found it because she thought he might tell me (he's only 3 and a half). The boys next door denied it, but if you screwed your girlfriend in the tenants bed while she was away, would you confess to your parents? It's a tough call. I still think she cheated, though, but hopefully you can see how there could be doubts.

Yeah, we can't control that. My current philosophy is "all me, all the time", at least for the time being. Until I get my own house in order I don't think it'd be worth looking for anything new. As bitter as I am about the whole situation, there is a certain pathetic quality about a person who has never experienced life as a single person. I'm not saying single is the way to go, but it does give you an opportunity to get to know yourself. I feel like she's sort of a chameleon or something; she becomes just like whoever she's dating and she MUST be with someone at all times. She was constantly working on building her next relationship with some guy any time we hit the skids. A lot of times I feel like I should slap myself when I look back on how oblivious I was....very embarrassing.

I agree about the cheating. I should probably also mention that the reason her marriage ended was because she was screwing the contractor while her husband was at work. * * * * *. Beware of women with low self-esteem, no self-respect, and validation addiction.

Absolutely not, under any circumstances, should you contact her to wish her a happy birthday. You need to "forget" it's her birthday, just like you need to "forget" everything else about her. Even though you and I both know that you can't really forget these things, for the sake of your sanity, your pride, and any chance you might have of salvaging or maintaining any respect she might still hold for you, you need to act like you have.

I honestly think I need to take this opportunity to move on with my life. I am currently living in the town where I grew up, a town I never intended to stay in. In fact, I had left for almost ten years and then came home following the death of my brother. From there things just snowballed and I started feeling trapped. She (the ex) didn't help, because every time I would try to explain that I felt like I needed to leave this area she would guilt trip me, BIGTIME. She has a lot of qualities I like, but by the same token there's a lot about her I can't stand. I'm sure that's going to be the case in any relationship, but neither of us ever seemed to have any interest in improving ourselves while we were together, and in fact I completely let go, so to speak, of myself physically. I used to rank fitness as one of my highest priorities, and I'm glad to say that it has again retaken that spot, however while we were together I completely lost the will to do that. I can't say it was her fault, but my general dissatisfaction with the relationship and with my life in general made it hard for me to motivate. As painful as this break-up process has been, it is really proving to be a tremendous learning experience for me. I have a much clearer idea of what I'm looking for in a woman now, and I have a whole new appreciation for the concepts of boundries and communication. That sounds lame and cliche, but it's true. I know this will probably sound selfish and immature, but her jumping into this relationship immediately and flaunting it all over our very small town sort of removed any ambiguity I was feeling about the break up. I felt like she showed absolutely no respect for my feelings and actually went out of her way to show me what a great time she was having, knowing full well that it was hurting me badly. I just can't see myself ever being able to put that behind me and being able to develop trust for her again. As much as my sentiments right now may be just pride, maybe even foolish pride, I am not willing to go back there. Plus, my sisters and mother can't stand her. They think she's a whiny, manipulative drama queen. They're pretty astute, BTW.

Well, as far as not going to the bar where she works, we live in a small town and it's really the "it" place for socializing/entertainment. I was going there for years before she even moved to this area, so I really don't think I should have to stop going someplace where I know practically everyone because she's there. I do understand what you're saying, though. Can you still do no contact if you know you're going to run into the person on a regular, if somewhat infrequent, basis? I could just be aloof and ignore her, right? I'm trying to leave her alone more for me than for her. As much as I know the relationship wasn't right - she was too clingy, too needy, had no independence, was an emotional vampire, etc. - I still have a two-year history with her and it pains me to see her with someone else. In fact, I got in the guys grill last night and am frankly a little embarrassed about it, but that's another story. Anyway, thanks for the advice.

That's a tough situation. My mother stayed in a horrible marriage to my father because of some ill-placed sense of duty to us, her children. He was abusive to both her and me, primarily in an emotional capacity buy he was capable of low-grade physical abuse, too. She finally got a divorce after 21 years of marriage and still despises him to this day. I can't say as I blame her because he has always had the ability to inflict emotional damage by yanking the rug out from under people when they're counting on him most. He wasn't an alcoholic, but he definitely, DEFINITELY has some mood disorder issues. He never had positive things to say, he was always cutting us down and just angry in general. Anyway, my advice to you would be to start looking for a place you can stay. There are homes for battered women that serve almost as halfway houses to enable you to put some distance between the two of you while you attempt to either get your own life in order or allow him to experience life without you and see if that makes him want to work on improving himself. From what you wrote, it might be too late for that but I figured I'd leave it on the table. Either way, you need to start making plans to extricate yourself from the situation. Life is too short to spend it miserable. If there's something you can do to better your life, then do it. Trust me, it will be much, MUCH better for the children in the long run, too. As someone who grew up in a house with zero love between parents, I completely appreciate the damage that can cause. I also know how deep the scars from early childhood abuse run, and I still work towards overcoming my fears of committment and abandonment. Do what's right for you. Leave him.

My ex and I have been broken up for about two months. She started seeing someone new a week after we split and has been going full bore with him ever since. My initial inclination was to remove myself completely from her life. I moved most of my things out of her apartment and told her that I thought it would be best if we didn't speak anymore. I also gave her a car of mine that she had been driving since hers got repossessed and lent (see: bad loan) her the money to register it. I wanted her off my insurance, but since she has a young son who I really liked, I couldn't in good conscience take the car (although the little devil on my shoulder was really pushing for that). My father had given it to me and it was probably worth less than $3k. She called me repeatedly that weekend and I ignored all the calls, until I was awoken from a Xanax induced slumber at 1am Sunday. She then proceeded to sob and cry into the phone for three hours telling me that she was still totally in love with me and that she'd give me another chance in a second if things would be different. I said "they won't be", which was hard, but I wasn't in the mood to reconcile at that point. I told her I thought she was codependent and that I would have had a lot more respect for her if she'd at least taken a little time to grieve the relationship before immediately jumping into the sack with a new (really old) guy. I told her I thought he was just a band-aid and that her inability to deal with anything was pathetic. The next day I felt much better initially, but as the day wore on I felt like I'd been too hard on her. I called and told her I wanted to finish our conversation and my sole intention, believe it or not, was to go over and tell her nice things and try to improve her self-esteem a little bit. I did not go over with the intention of getting her back or anything. By the time I left she had literally sucked the life out of me. She was so depressed, she had left work early, hadn't slept the night before, and the apartment was completely dark. She and her son were curled up on the couch like two terminally ill patients. I realized that talking to her in any capacity was futile. I mentioned that I wanted my down comforter and pillows back and my Vonage phone. I told her that the thought of her screwing that old guy on my stuff really didn't sit well with me. She said "I need a week on the phone". That was five weeks ago, she still has it. Anyway, I re-initiated no contact after that meeting. About a week later on a Friday night, after much introspection and some preliminary therapy, I randomly met this guy who used to stop in and give her flowers while she was working. (I should mention that she ALWAYS told me about guys who were hitting on her, something I didn't ever care to hear about) I had questioned whether anything had happened between the two of them due to some really overwhelming evidence and her response was "have you ever even seen John?!?" Since I hadn't, I just assumed he was ugly. He wasn't, and it got me to thinking that she probably had been screwing around on me. So the next morning I called and said that I wanted the rest of my stuff back. She still had my down comforter, pillows, a $200 ethernet bridge, and Vonage phone service that I PAY FOR. She completely flipped out and we proceeded to talk repeatedly over the course of the day. Looking back, it was a HUGE mistake on my part because she always seems able to manipulate me and redirect my intentions, a tendency that strained the relationship, to say the least. Anyway, the following week I called her on Tuesday and stopped by to visit her and her son, with whom I had developed a strong bond in the two years we were together. I left feeling fine, but the following Friday I walked into the local pub (where she works and where she met her new daddy), and lo and behold, there they both are, hammered and all over each other. For whatever reason, my fight or flight took over and I could feel my heart start racing. I walked past without saying anything and ordered a beer. A minute later the two of them literally skipped past me holding hands out to the dance floor and were all over each other. I should mention that she had told me the previous Tuesday when we spoke that he was "ehhh" and she wasn't that into him. So a little while later the two of them walk by and she's all friendly "how are you?" I just said, "I'm okay", and the guy sticks his hand out to shake mine. I crushed it for a minute and then said, "you're lookin' a little sweaty there, gramps. Plus, it looks like you're getting a liver spot on your face, you'll probably want to get that checked out." She came up to me later and was completely obliterated. Important to note is that her new guy has no drivers license for multiple DWI's so she was now the designated driver. Nice. Anyway, I said "Look at yourself, you're trashed. Wrinkles is waiting for you over there, why don't you leave me alone." That was the last time I talked to her. She's literally called me almost every day since, with her emotions running the gammit from the initial friendly tone, to the slightly frustrated, to the "oh, I get it you're not taking my calls", to the "you don't even have the decency to call and check on my child", to the sobbing "I just need to talk to you, I miss you so much, it's like you're dead or something". In addition, I've had about twenty hang-ups from her. I know it's her because my cell phone either reads "Warning! * * * * *", or "Do Not Answer", depending which number she's calling from. So my question is, do I just need to keep dealing with her calling all the time. Even though I am completely committed to getting past her, it still sets me back to have to see that she's calling me. Should I just answer once and tell her to take a hint and give me my damn space? Sorry this is so long, but I have a lot of stuff I feel like venting these days, as do most people on this site. Thanks for any replies.

Well, she's obviously checking on him, he spends half of each week with her. I agree that she's using him to get to me. Hell, she used him to draw me into more of a relationship than I ever intended to share with her. With the clarity of hindsight, I guess I sort of got what I deserved. I told her before we ever even hung out (a.k.a. hooked up) that I was "emotionally unavailable", as I was sort of in a weird place in my life and didn't want to get into anything serious. Her response was "Oh, I totally understand. I'm not looking for anything serious, either." Yeah, right. It's too bad they don't have a little vampire emoticon.

My ex started seeing someone "officially" a week after she and I broke it off. However, she had been building the foundation of the relationship over the course of three months. He was a regular at a restaurant/bar where she works, so he was able to play the role of the older, good listner. It hurt like hell that she was able to handle it that way: ignore the pain and just lose herself head-over-heels in a new relationship, while I was suffering. I really had no choice but to take the opposite approach and confront my pain and anger head on. I honestly think it's made me a better person. Plus, I wasn't out meeting other women while she and I were together, whereas she basically flirted with every guy she came accross at work (waitress). That in no way means I'm perfect - far, far, from it. However, I learned more about myself and what makes me tick. As sad as this is, she was my first "legitimate" relationship, and I'm 34 right now. I've had plenty of casual relationships that revolved primarily around sex and socializing, but I always got spooked when it came time to become emotionally attached and would bail, or I would come on too strong when I had a huge crush and smother the chances of having things evolve. As much as you probably wish you could forget her, sort of like "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind", instead see if you can focus on the things about her that weren't right for you. It's easy to fall into the trap of losing sight of all of her flaws, and believe me, she had flaws, everyone does. It seems like when the other party moves on before you have there's a tendency to idealize that person and tell yourself that you'll never do that well again. That's wrong. I don't know about your ex, but my ex was EXTREMELY manipulative. She would break down and sob and cry at the drop of a hat. There were numerous times when I had reached my limit with her and I'd attempt to break it off, but she'd go into hysterics and scream and cry that she couldn't live without me, or "I do everything for you!!!! EVERYTHING!!!!", which of course, wasn't true. She was hyper-clingy and needy and dropped major guilt trips on me any time I wanted to go hang out with friends or just go stay at my place and have some alone time. The list goes on and on. Even with all that, I still despise her new guy with a passion that is clearly unhealthy. With any luck I'll be able to keep it under wraps for the most part and avoid any embarrassment. Anywho, remind yourself that it's hard to want someone who's chosen to be with someone else. Good luck.

Thanks for the replies, it's nice to get some objective perspective on things. I just felt badly about it because I'd gained some high ground by keeping my distance and refusing to answer her calls, then I go and basically give it all back by being a * * * * to the new guy. I should mention that I live in a small town, and this pub is pretty much it for socializing. Also, I wasn't drinking at all; I just went in to get some dinner and I was drinking ice water. It's not my nature to start a physical altercation, it's more my style to push people's buttons until they feel the need to start something. It's immature and the fact that I'm sure she's heard about it and is feeling like I'm still hurting is probably giving her a lot of satisfaction. The no contact is the way to go. It's definitely allowed me to just focus on myself and what I want to do. I've been back at the gym for two months now and already have almost 700 miles on my bicycle so far this spring. I'm getting leaner and putting on muscle, both of which alway makes me feel better about myself. As far as the ex goes, I'm going to continue with this tack, regardless of last night's setback. At some point in time I imagine I won't harbor as much resentment and I'll be able to ask for my stuff back. I assume the money she owes me is a lost cause since she's a complete financial deadbeat, but I guess that's the price you pay for no contact. Here's another situation: Her 3 and a half year old son and I have (had) a really good relationship and I know I was a positive influence in his life, but I am not comfortable with either of them right now because of the way things went down. She'll sometimes leave messages saying things like "I'd think you'd at least call to check on my child" in an exasperated tone. I feel like no contact is going to have to be absolute, and as far as things go he is part of her and so unfortunately for both him and me, we're out of each other's lives. I really don't want to punish him at all, any thoughts on what the best way to handle this situation is? Plus, I miss him.

My gf of two years and I broke up at the beginning of March. She had a new guy a week later. He's 23 years older than she is and he's the friend of a father of mine. It bugs me, to say the least. Plus, he's a drunk with no drivers license, so she drives him around in my old car, which I gave to her like a sucker. I should note that she has a 3 1/2 year old son who I adore, and I knew she'd be screwed without a car. Anyway, I've been doing no contact with her for about three weeks now, even though she tries calling pretty much every day and leaves these long, sappy, sobbing messages begging me to call her. I'm not ready, I know that. I am still bitter about how little consideration she had for my feelings following the break up. Granted, I don't think the relationship was right and I did have myself convinced I wanted out, but I would have thought a grace period was in order. Cut to last night: I walked into the local pub and there was "Geoff", the 61 year old drunk sitting at the bar. I walked to the other end of the bar and ordered dinner, and while hanging my jacket off, flipped him the bird. A few minutes later he came over and asked if I'd just flipped him off. I said yes and told him to get the f*ck out of my space. I told him I didn't like him and that he'd shown me a complete lack of respect. He said "you're making this uglier than it has to be", to which I said "it's going to get a lot uglier if you don't get out of my face". As I left the bar, I asked him if he was driving yet (he lost his license for I think three years for his second DWI) He said "let's see....no". I said, "you may want to think about giving those up (pointing to the two beers in front of him), you drunk f#ck", then left. I felt much worse after because I again let my emotions get the best of me. Why is it that I have such an overwhelming urge to kick his teeth in?