itsallgrand

Why do you act from the position of a scared little girl in relationships, as you worded it? Do you know, are you willing to explore it? There's no shame at all in reaching out for help with a professional if you find yourself stuck in patterns of behavior. Might be worth looking into. I do agree with the other posts. For you, and for your daughter, and for the people in your life - if you are acting out of fear all the time rather than your moral compass , you are going to hurt people just trying to meet your own needs. Being able to depend on yourself is something that can be learned, practiced, and you CAN do it.

You don't have to agree with someone to understand where they are coming from. I understood it as Seraphim saying she could understand where both you and your future MIL are coming from in your actions. That's all.

This is the crux of it. Dynamics like this don't change overnight or because there is an engagement. It is going to take sustained effort on your fiances part and it will take time. I do disagree with you about needing to know the private convos he has with his mom. That's just asking for trouble imo. They have a lot to hash out and its not really about you. It's about his mom's anxieties and how he has related to them.

But you knew he had allowed the tracking and the shared bank account, right? It shouldn't be too shocking that there will be push back to changes to that when they have had this dynamic for so long. I don't really think it's entirely fair to put all of this on your MIL. Your fiance has had his part in this too. Its entirely reasonable to want this all sorted out before getting married. But I think maybe love goggles are making it hard for you to see that your SO is a part of this dynamic too. He has to be comfortable on his own establishing the boundaries and taking responsibility for that. Rather than come to you and say these things about his mom, he could just be handling it and telling you " I have some things with mom I need to work out, I hope you can be patient while I do these things I should have done a while ago". Give them a chance to do it but tell him you don't want to hear reports of the private convos he has with his mom. You don't need to know, and you trust him to take care of it. And that there won't be misunderstandings again. You are just starting out to a potential life long relationship with her. Think about what foot you want to put forward here at the first real blip in your relationship. You may have to make a few adjustments to expectations you have of her, but it's not as doom and gloom as it may feel right now to you. She has shown you many kindness es and so obviously does care to some degree about having a nice relationship with you. There's lots to work with here.

I think so too.

Many years ago, a friend of mine told me of the terrible treatment her boyfriend at the time was dishing out. She lived with the guy. She asked me to help her get her stuff and said she wanted to leave him. I said yes and accompanied her to their apartment. He wasn't supposed to be there according to her but he was. Turned out, she was hiding his passport and other documentation. She had conveniently failed to tell me this. They were arguing and then he turned on me. To this day, I've never encountered someone with such raw hate in their eyes. I was scared, I don't get intimidated easily. She ended up staying with him. I left...ended the friendship after that. Most I've heard is from when I've ran into her relatives. I learned my lesson. People have to want to help themselves. People in abusive situations often feed off each other. I'm not getting in the way of any of that ever again. You can help by directing to resources and professionals, but beyond that it's better to distance so you don't end up in the line of fire.

You can't afford to stay there. What's there to decide? Would you even be there if he wasn't paying your way...no. Your focus should be on standing on your own two feet, not some guy.

It's not uncommon for men to blame themselves. That's another possibility. Many men feel like it is their job to protect those dear in their life and when harm comes to them, they may battle with a sense of loss of control and anger at themselves. Since you haven't heard from him what he is feeling, and he may not even know himself - he's acting out - him seeing someone seems like the next step if he is willing. I'd probably talk to your councilor about how to approach this with him. He shouldn't be taking whatever he is going through out on you.

He's unavailable for a serious relationship. Time to give yourself a chance at being with someone who can be all in with you. You deserve that you know!

Did you have many kids? It was pretty cold and snowy here so the kids weren't out long.

Yes it's ok to disagree. 💓 Like I mentioned, I know it's still controversial to a lot of people. It's not something I ever bring up to people in person. I just choose not to put my money nor efforts towards those asking who are able to work for the income but choose not to.

We just disagree as far as childcare for one's own children being a job in and of itself and nothing else being required of a person. I have a handful of family members who do not work outside the home, their family pays for costs plus govt assistance in the form of child tax cheques and other benefits. No, staying home to do childcare is not enough. You have to feed them, house them, cover the costs. It's not right imo for them to be not providing an income when their kids need it.

I guess I just see childcare of one's own kids as a basic responsibility that is taken on when someone decides to have kids - whichever way someone decides to do it, with paid help or no. It doesn't dissolve in my mind the responsibility to pay ones own way and financial responsibility for one's part of covering the kids costs. It's not that I see childcare of your own as " not doing anything" - it's just that I don't see it as a job, no, in the same way other jobs are. Doing housework and laundry for example is work, but doing it for yourself isn't a job. Of course families might have arrangements where someone does bulk of domestic and they have their rent, food, expenses covered in exchange. But those costs are ultimately on the individual to cover for themselves. If the situation changes or the other changes their mind (or dies, or becomes disabled, anything really) its not right to dig in one's heels and say " but I have a job. I stay home to take care of things". And that's where I get bothered!! It's not a spouses responsibility to cover your side, it's not family responsibility to help pay for your kids while you stay home and do not earn income, it's not the govt and taxpayers who should pay either. It's on YOU ( not you personally, I mean generally if you choose to have kids). Sorry , bit of a rant. I've just had it really with women who aren't working who keep standing there with their hand out for someone else to cover them. Like no, get a job like everyone else.

Lol totally fair. I'll have to watch out.

Ok I keep forgetting this option exists! That makes sense what happened now. I've been here a million years and for the longest time you couldn't do that.

So I guess I got blocked from one thread for saying someone needs to get a job and such. Ok, that's fine, is one person and you can block me if you want. What bothers me though is we are now almost in 2024 and it's still controversial to a lot of people to suggest mothers are as responsible to financially provide for themselves and their kids as are fathers.

First snow. I'm not thrilled for a long winter but snow still is magical.

I love jewelry and nope, she's wrong. Methinks she equates a honking ring to quality.

And knowing it's the elderly father who cooks the meals. Ahhh just have him cook my dinner. What?? Your first time staying over and that's the impression on him and his fam you want to make?

Is she paying rent or bills? Would that be emasculating? Wondering if this is a situation where you will be paying for everything.

You can get a really nice piece of jewelry for a few thousand. If you buy used, twice as nice for the price. I could understand her stance if you had a teeny baby budget, but I think she must have a particular ring or idea in her mind in this scenario.

Ok, just wanted to make sure! Her attitude stinks imo. Have you seen this attitude peek out in her before? Careful because marriage to someone who is materialistic often makes for a miserable life.

Is that budget for an engagement ring only? And she doesn't want to get engaged until you can afford a more expensive ring?

That's terrible. I'd be so devastated if my pets died in a fire!

Well just to use one specific instance she described, she passively took care of everything when she wasn't feeling well instead of saying " Hon, I'm not feeling well. Will you feed and take care of the kids this evening?". And I don't think cheating is something natural people do because of issues in a relationship. I think cheating is personal choice - some cheat, some it's not an option in their minds regardless of what they feel. I'm not saying her husband is blameless in their dynamic but all she controls is her end and it would help her imo to work on that whether this relationship works out or not.