Batya33

Part of being assertive is expressing yourself in a direct way. Part of being in a personal conversation is wanting the other person to feel comfortable around you and comfortable sharing in the conversation. So it's a balance. I am not saying be indirect but sometimes it's better to be quiet and actively listen (meaning not rehearsing what you're going to counter with or say next) than to speak. And then mirror back in a direct way. I met new people on Friday. They are parents at my son's new school. The context was a group walk in the park. One woman shared with me why she moved from working for my organization to my husband's (I know, small world) -she told me of the stressful conditions at her former job during the pandemic which prompted her to leave. I knew of exactly what she was referring to - it's common knowledge around here. But instead of jumping in to show off my knowledge I let her speak -she was not venting -she was actually being quite diplomatic. When she was done I said "I can imagine that must have been stressful and frustrating!" She nodded and I could tell she was happy to be validated in a simple way -rather than continuing down a path of talking about her stressful past job. We then talked about other topics we had in common including her current position. So that's part of it -sure it's interesting to talk about the drama of a past job but my goal was to get to know this person in a positive way, to have her feel comfortable about talking about present stuff because now things are going well for her. I reached out to her on Linkedin later that day to find that she had reached out first with a lovely note. An example to show you how many ways this could have gone - we touched on sensitive topics - working during the pandemic, leaving a good job, parenting - and because I had just met her I kept it with letting her do most of the talking even though I am extroverted and tend to chatty - and not focusing on negative aspects of sensitive topics. It takes practice but also just plain old common sense. At bottom -if you really do like people and like to know what makes them tick and you want people to be comfortable -rather than really liking to hear yourself speak and debate for debate's sake -a lot of this will come naturally. Also if you like to debate and want to improve social skills I've heard Toastmasters is great for that. A few friends have done it. I was on a public speaking/debate team for awhile in college many years ago and absolutely loved it.

I mean it's totally fine not to want to discuss body odor in detail unless it's specifically related to a medical concern and you want your partner to help you find a medical provider or you're scared of what it could be. I am not a "no topic is too personal" person -I'm married -we will only discuss body odor in passing like my husband will say "OK after that walk in the heat I'd better shower again -I stink!" He saw me in labor and no I would not have liked if he declined (other than if he said he would certainly pass out LOL) but that's a rare occasion when I thought nothing of sharing that not so attractive no hold barred bodily experience with everything hanging out -this was our child being born, so yes stick around, thanks. It's also fine if with past partners they have wanted to know all the gory details. You don't -it kills the mood -would she want to hear from you about the unfortunate consequences of the beans you had for lunch -while you're making out? I think it's odd that she doesn't get this.

And I have a child and still won't - the only difference is that in a non-judgmental way I will share my experience with my own child but only if I am certain the other person won't see it as me telling them to do as I did. Especially with subjective experiences like fear, physical risks, milestones. I've gotten great input from parents and non-parents alike about child rearing. I do think fear is a universal emotion and broadly speaking children and adults share some of the same fears - but that's irrelevant mostly because the way a child reacts to fear is often far different from an adult because of developmental stages, even physical changes. For example - my child and I each fear getting lost in a strange country where we don't speak the language - but my child's fear is compounded by the fact that if he were lost he'd also be afraid to be apart from his parent or "grownup" which is not a real fear of an adult (sure for some maybe subconscious but not reality). Children and adults can fear loud, sudden noises but very often the adult knows a lot more about the source of the loud noise so the experience of fear is quite different.

I'm sorry your housemates are keeping you up. Those are interesting insights and really have no relevance to you. Every relationship is different and focusing on how these two separate people argue can be fun to ponder but irrelevant to your situation and going down that path is similar to you choosing to dress things up in fancy words or psychobabble to avoid getting down to common sense simple stuff. I too am fascinated by how other people relate, their choices, their marriages and I was so hung up on hearing all of their opinions when I was going through my own angst and sometimes it helped short term, mostly it was just a temporary bandaid. When I'm listening just to try to help the person and/or because it's a topic that interests me that is fine but not as a way to resolve any issues in my own marriage. Apples and oranges.

I think you're overthinking this. Please don't elevate your playing kissy face with this guy to some etiquette question overall. He is an individual person, a human being who deserves basic respect. So tell him as an individual that you're having a good time hanging out with him and tell him you'd like to keep things casual, as they are. No huge back story, no "I don't want a relationship" just tell him this so you don't feel like you're leading him on. Or if you feel you want to properly date him then ask him what his intentions are towards you. I will add - I'd stop this "my friend made me leave" -if you had a plan with the friend to leave at a specific time then tell this person "by the way I'm staying at this party till ____ and then I have to leave -I have plans with my friend." It's not respectful to abruptly leave like that in that situation. Nothing to do with college or so-called hookup etiquette - just basic manners you learned in kindergarten or earlier.

I think you were more focused on being right and expressing your strong opinions than being close -meaning getting to know her. There is no general notion about kids and scary movies - kids are individual people and develop at individual rates and have individual sensitivities. I had a cousin who was scared when our grandfather wore a hat. I was terrified of throwing up-hearing it mentioned, hearing the sounds. And of the Chiller movies in the 1970s when I was young. My son when he was a toddler was really scared of his Elmo doll because of the buggy eyes, but when I took him to see Frozen -his first movie in a theater at age 4 -he wasn't scared of the loud sounds, scary parts. But as his mom I kept an eye on his reactions, was ready to leave if it got too intense and never thought he "should" watch a scary movie. And I would be really annoyed if a new person talked at length just to play devil's advocate about children should be exposed to scary movies. And slightly worse if the person was not a parent. It's not about keeping it in mind when you date a parent -it's far broader than that. Ask yourself -is your purpose in speaking to have the person feel comfortable around you or to show off at what a debater/orator you are? Certainly she might be overly sensitive - I wasn't there. Tread lightly on sensitive topics when first getting to know someone. Be a good listener -listen 80% of the time, talk 20% of the time - and don't rehearse in your head what you wish to say next.

When I was trying to conceive and pregnant I had to quickly stop looking at any websites -I chose one reputable one - very reputable and likely connected to the two books I trusted -back then The Pregnancy Bible and What to Expect When You're Expecting. There was so much misinformation/scary information, random people posting -truly unhelpful. Don't go down the rabbit hole ,pun intended.

oh yes for sure -if you feel safe going -meaning you will drive there on your own etc -I'd go-what an adventure no matter what happens between the 2 of you -he obviously wants to spend time with you -so also now you can suggest a local activity prior to the trip I'm not a huge fan of you letting him chat/flirt with you without a specific plan but now he's invited you to spend time in person, whether date or otherwise.

Also I thought I had implantation bleeding when I was not pregnant. (Or if I was it was only a chemical pregnancy- I didn’t test ). When I was pregnant I spotted in weeks 5 and 6 which apparently was not implantation but never got it checked out. Could have been. Please know there is so much variation in symptoms among pregnant women. I did NOT think I was when I was and did think I was when I wasn’t. Which is typical.

Oh I’m sorry ! Yes ! But somehow I thought also referred to as Irish. I used to make oatmeal for us for dinner - haven’t in years.

Again there is so much room for error especially in your situation where you want to prove it can’t be yours based on a guesstimate date of conception. I only knew my last cycle date because for some odd reason it was my most painful one in years and occurred at a very important business lunch meeting where I was the only woman. So I could pinpoint the day. And yes I conceived between days 14 and 16 I guess. I know of women who had positive pregnancy tests who had no clue when they ovulated or if. Tests can be wrong and there are so many variables. you can look yourself at the basic information and you’ll see what a wide variation there is and the unknowns. Yes of course if it was months I get it how do you know she took the pill or took it correctly? When you have casual sex with someone you barely know then you don’t know whether they’re reliable or honest with medication. I knew of a woman who didn’t tell her boyfriend she was on antibiotics which messes with the pill - she claimed she forgot or didn’t know. So she got pregnant. He married her I think. Maybe the pill or the way she took it caused it to malfunction. Or she didn’t actually take it.

I recommend trying Irish oatmeal -meaning Irish oats. Also when I used to prepare it more regularly I'd cook in bananas (and often raisins) while cooking. Enjoy! I like the Starbucks reduced fat turkey bacon sandwich on a whole wheat english muffin -egg white and a tiny bit of cheddr.

Same. My friend had her period the first 3 months -- and it was her 4th child and they'd given up trying to conceive much earlier so total surprise -a happy one !! I knew mine was over a specific weekend since we were long distance at the time.

Not in my opinion. There is so much room for error. Yes, if it was months - meaning she was 2 months along and you'd had sex with her 5 months earlier - and you had proof she was only in her 8th week -but anything less than that it's anybody's guess. Even due dates -you're told it could be two weeks on either side. And clinging onto hope is fine -whatever floats your boat - but still get your finances in order, the paternity test set up, etc.

I found that diet drinks triggered carb cravings -so over the last couple of years I virtually cut out all diet drinks. I drink 10-11 glasses of plain water a day. At night I might have a bit of flavored sparkling water (no sugar or fake sugar). I now drink 3 glasses of water in the morning before breakfast while I am on the treadmill (or out power walking if we're away from home). I'm delighted you have a nutritionist - one tip -scoop out what you can from the english muffin so you have even less carbs.

It's not just sex or proof of sex -he is acting inappropriately as a married man and playing with fire.

I would add to that hydrating healthy (and almond butter is more nutritious than peanut, from what I know) hydrating healthy does a couple of things- it gives you something to do -I don't nibble between meals or when I prepare meals for my son anymore - but my water bottle which I drink from regularly between the hours of around 5am-5PM means I can sort of "snack" on water -gives me something to do sort of like people who smoke (which I did for a year as a teen so I know that whole thing about the habit of having a cigarette, etc). Plain water helps keep you full between meals (I don't like to drink a lot during meals), helps curb carb cravings I find and helps you differentiate between true hunger and thirst).

To regain trust : you tell her that you betrayed her and you are sorry. You tell her what you plan to do so if never happens again. Then it’s up to her to accept or not.

You said that things were stressful before he met this woman. Is this woman married/in a relationship? Does he supervise her? She is not being respectful of your marriage and your husband is playing with fire- if this woman has emotional issues she could tell their boss what's going on and your husband could be in a very bad work situation. I think it's great that he wants to make friends. I'm married and yesterday I went to my son's school-related event specifically to meet other parents and maybe make a new friend/acquaintance. It felt great especially given the pandemic-last few years. I spoke only to the women there but there were a few men there and I'd have spoken to them as well if it happened to occur while we were doing our walk through the park. But I know how to conduct myself in those situations -your husband is crossing boundaries and she is not just a friend because she is disrespectful of your marriage and wants to be romantic with your husband. There are ways to make friends, develop friendships that are perfectly appropriate and your husband -as a married man and an employee- he knows this as well. He is just choosing to hang out with this woman who wants more than friendship. I would tell him you are uncomfortable with him interacting with her particularly since she apparently has such intense emotional issues that her mother harassed you at your job. Ask him what his priorities are as far as your marriage. And tell him it's fine for him to go out and make friends and it's not fine to play with fire. Good luck.

Agree with the others. Also if word gets out that you did this and revealed it word travels fast even among other employers. I had sensitive information of a personal nature a few years ago - I did nothing wrong -other than randomly a Facebook friend I used to know in person as a friend most likely is the mistress of my other friend's former partner/father of her child (real life friend who I knew for years) - and this mistress had been harassing her with letters to their home, etc. My friend had met her in person years previously. But by the time I realized my friend's partner had passed away. What good would it do at all for me to share with my friend that I knew this person? She might be interested in the information - and what this person had posted, etc. - but even if I'd known before this man passed away I doubt I would have said anything. In fact when she wanted to show me the letters from the mistress - before I knew the connection -when this man was still alive- I declined because I did not want to be involved. Was it tempting? Yes, it was on some level. But I decided to show restraint and stay in my lane. It's really hard sometimes when it's literally right in front of you - but you can't unsee something, can't unring the bell. You can't unsee it but do damage control by keeping silent. 100%. Even though it is hard. Good luck.

Because feelings aren't facts and the more space you give the feelings in your brain (rather than letting them exist on the periphery) and the more power you give the feelings by mulling them over and analyzing them with flowery words, the more you get in your own way. Great that you went on the creek walk!

I think you grab at and cling to complicated ways of analyzing what is simple and basic so you can remain in the status quo. So often what is simple and basic requires action and choices that also are basic yet not easy to do. repeating mantras may work for some just like hanging upside down works for others. today I had to force myself to go to an outdoor social event for parents at my son’s new school. I had to accept I’d be inconvenienced since I have specific errands and things I do Friday mornings plus despite being extroverted meeting new parents is kind of daunting. I refused to let myself get mired in excuses. I knew it was really good for me to put myself out there and good for my son too. I made excuses as I walked the one long block to the park meeting place after I dropped off my son. But I kept putting one foot in front of the other. That simple. One foot. One step. I ended up having a great time. Was really impressed with how well attended and organized the event was and met a few people I will stay in touch with. I could have researched the awkwardness of post-pandemic socializing or told myself I’d go “next time “ etc - instead of spinning my wheels I put one foot in front of the other despite internal protests. And felt really rewarded for it. I highly recommend it over the woo woo psycho speak you can’t seem to let go of.

May her memory be for a blessing. My husband and son are part British. My mother told me last night when she was a teenager she watched the coronation. When I was a teenager I watched Diana and Charles wedding. I feel sad and also awestruck and inspired. I’ll also add that we got to watch the Paddington and Queen scene in full yesterday. Loved it !! Thanks for posting this Seraphim.

The issue was this was during her campaign to be elected -so all eyes were on her at a professional event, etc. I know of people who drink a lot after work - not as much anymore but way back when. Was never my thing! OP the career you chose doesn't have a strict "outside of work" boundary like other jobs. For example, teachers I know refrain from friending parents on social media even if they're actually friends already because it could give the wrong impression. So their outside of work social media is affected by what they do during the day.

Well no. You chose to get drunk and chose the consequences. You intended to drink. Not a mistake. No one slipped a drug into your drink. Two years isn’t a long time especially if you can be sexual and affectionate and just not have intercourse- you are a person who has specific standards as far as fatherhood. I can relate. I did too about motherhood. So I chose to abstain except in very specific situations. Even if it meant years. I get that you’re not promiscuous. I don’t get why you’re calling this a mistake. You intended to get drunk. You intended to interact with people while drunk. It’s not an excuse just because a consequence of choosing to be drunk is that you might show poor judgment.