indespair

But I still see the age thing while he says it never will matter. He's now talking marriage and I'm still talking age. Any help, any insights, any reassurances....advice.... would be appreciated here. Thanks. Well, my b/f and I definitely butt heads sometimes, but that's more to do with our personalities than the age gap thing. I think when you reach your 40's, you definitely have some pretty rock solid ideas and opinions. And...let's face it, there may be a little personal "disbelief" that a younger guy would fall for us older chicks, that we're subscribing to, and thereforeeee maybe we feel a little more jaded and wary. But this kind of stuff is really all in our heads, since problems can arise with ANYONE at ANY age. And come on - there are some men out there who never mature, at any age. I know guys in their 50's and 6o's who have never grown up. I think we just have to relearn trust and be able to really love without passing judgment, if this relationship is indeed what we want. There are worse things than having a young outlook on life, even if it is naive. Relax...and enjoy this wonderful, new, surprising experience! It could be the best one you ever had!

23 years. He's 24...I'm 46. We hardly notice the age gap and have a very close spiritual & physical connection. The one thing I've noticed on this site though, is that there are more older men, younger women relationships. I think our relationship is more unusual, in that I'm a woman and decidedly older, but he was the one who came looking for me!! Definitely one of the best relationships I've ever had. Are there any other older women-younger men out there with similar stories?

So here's the long and short of it: Basically, my boyfriend tried to break up with me in January but we talked about it and we decided that we were going to stay together, and work out our problems. Then, he went away for 3 weeks to Cali to work and when he came back he totally broke up with me. Said we were OVER, and that he was just done with me and wanted to move on. He was very harsh. Naturally, I was completely devastated. Tried everything to convince him not to, but he was unmoveable. I asked him if there was someone else, he said "no" he just wanted to work on himself. Then, he went back to California for over a month but kept in contact with me and when he came back, he just wanted to be friends. Still called me regularly. I had not gotten over him and told him that it would be hard to be just friends. Then, one night, after we went out for drinks and seemed like we might be getting intimate again, he announces that he has a 19 year old girlfriend! Another blow. Two weeks later he breaks up with her, and he comes over to my house with a bottle of champagne---says he's toasting to his breakup. Well, days later we become intimate, but I sense a distance in him that wasn't there before. But I don't ask, just assume it's stress. We start "dating" and hanging out and talking about starting a business. Then he totally drops the bomb on me and tells me that "there's something he has to tell me" the guilt is killing him. He tells me that when he went to Cali the 1st time, he met up with a mutual friend of ours and they slept together, then started going out. So when he went back the 2nd time, they started up again over there. This girl was one of my close friends!!! Anyway, he tells me that they broke up when he came back. But SHE says they were still a couple. So much treachery and betrayal, I feel like a f--g idiot. He lied. She called me crying, and saying how sorry she was etc., and then proceeds to tell me all this stuff about what they did. So I confront him with it and he got angry, telling me that she lied. I got mad and told him that I had enough, that I was going, too bad too little too late, but he begged me to not leave, that he realizes how much he loves me now, and that all that stuff he did with her was a mistake and that he was really only trying to stop thinking about me when he did it. This was 3-4 weeks ago. He has been very patient, kind and understanding, and says that he knows how much he hurt me and that he will never do that again, that he's changed, only wants to be with me, how good I am to him and how much I make him feel loved...he's never experienced that before...and that he wants to completely commit to me, fully, and that he realizes that what he THOUGHT he wanted was not actually what he wanted. He wants to be with me. And will do everything in his power to make me feel/understand that. My question...can I trust him? Do I believe him? I want to. I see sincerity in him, but oh man-I don't think I can go thru that anguish again! I totally stayed in love with him, couldn't look at another man the entire time we were broken up. I feel like a fool. But he says that HE'S the fool. I don't know, I feel a bitterness but I want to believe that it could be possible this time around. BTW, during our relationship (1 year) he always remained faithful to me. I've agonized over this so many times that I am feeling pretty strung out. He is very afraid he'll lose me, that I know. Yes, I love him. But it just seems like right now, it is tinged with a little pessimism. Is this normal? And can it get better?? Thanks guys...

Oh man, does this ever resonate with me! I just got back together with my ex too, and then he laid the bomb on me and told me that not only had he slept with someone else while we were broken up, but it was with a friend of mine!! He moved out of state for a few months, found her (bcs she was a friend of mine & his) and then they hooked up. Both of them didn't want to tell me, but he finally did after he got back and eventually back together with me - said he couldn't live with the guilt anymore and he wanted to tell me - not hear it from someone else. Asked me to forgive him. Told me it was just a fling (but it wasn't for HER bcs she completely fell head over heels in love with him during the 4 weeks they went out). Now he doesn't want to have anything to do with her (she was calling him incessantly) and I certainly am not friends with her anymore. Now, during the time we were broken up I never even looked at another guy, I was still so in love with him. My gf's all thought I was crazy, but supported my feelings. Now they think he's a jerk for doing that - but, logically, my mind tells me that since we WERE broken up that if we agree to be together again, I should move on and get past this. But, it's just a ****ed-up situation with everyone knowing each other. I still love him and want to make it work, but sometimes I struggle with feelings of resentment and jealousy. Is this normal?? It's only been a little over a week since I found out...He's been very very respectful of my feelings since he told me (I cried a lot in the beginning) and swears he will never talk to her again....

So my ex and I are getting back together...slowly...but in the 2 months we were apart I found out that he slept with 2 people, one of which was a good friend of mine! This was a pretty low blow, but since were broken up, I basically had to swallow my pride and let it go. I, on the other hand, was miserable during the time we were apart, and didn't sleep with anyone. I remained in love with him... He told me that no matter what he tries to do, he always seems to come back to me. The girls he was with fell short. We had a few problems in our relationship, but he says that he really likes the "new" me, and can see the changes that I've made, and this is what makes him believe in our second chance. We are also best friends. The thing is; he seems to vacillate between wanting to get back together with me, or just remaining "best" friends. The difficulty is that our sex is GREAT (the best for both of us) we are super attracted to each other and cannot keep our hands off, we get along like 2 peas in a pod, we like the same jokes, have intense discussions...we are so perfect for each other! But - he's still hesitating because he thinks that there could be something "better" out there for him. It's absolutely heartbreaking because just when I feel like we're back together and kissing and holding hands, the next time around he's pulling back and distant. I'm trying to not pressure him out...we are just 2 weeks into our new "relationship" so what should I do? Just keep on keepin on, no pressure and let him go on his wild swings between wanting me and not wanting me? How can I make him see that I am the best thing in his life right now? I want him back...but I want him to come back to me because he's scared of losing me....

Wow, great posts from all of you. This forum is so wonderful to have...but I just wanted to clear up a few things: 1) she wasn't my best friend. I've known her for 15 years, she's friends with all my other friends, and she "was" a good friend for hanging out, clubbing, etc., but by no means my best friend. Still, she was always invited to my house get togethers and such. She pretended to be my friend - that's what hurts the most, and I don't think I will choose to forgive her. 2) My bf broke up with ME. I was heartbroken about it, but he felt that that's what he needed to do. I have spent the better part of 3 months trying to get him back, and it's been working...slowly...but I was thinking that our relationship is actually better than it was. He realized that I meant more to him than he thought. That was the thing that angered him...was this girl called him the other day and told him that he needed to stop seeing me and hanging out with me, and go be with her. Well, he got mad and told her that if she was going to try and force him to make a decision that I would win out every time, because if nothing else, he and I are VERY good friends...more like best friends. So he deleted her from his phone, myspace, everything. And so did I. 3) Yes, we were broken up during that period. He also left town to go to Cali (which is where she lives too) and that's how they hooked up. Basically it boils down to this: yes, I have a few issues with him, and how he could have done that. But I also know how this girl operates, and I know she has little regard for a code of ethics. She flirted with him at my house! That's just...wrong, on so many levels. I just never ever thought she'd go THAT far. So, yeah, by virtue of the fact that I've known her far longer than I've known him, I blame her more. Even if he had come on to HER, it's still her CHOICE as to whether or not to do it. Frankly, if one of my friends bf's came on to me, I'd be MAD. At HIM!! To me, it doesn't matter if the bf is current or not. It's just - not - done. Out of respect! Also, my bf and I talked for a long time the night he told me. I spent the better part of the night crying and asking why why, and pushing him away but he wouldn't leave, was just standing there hugging me and crying and saying he was sorry...I don't know, I am very very mad at him, but the logical part of me says that we WERE broken up at that time, and that during these kinds of periods it means that anything can happen. I think he was surprised and shocked that I was so loyal to him in the 3 months we spent apart. I worked on myself, dropped 15 pounds, and started to live my life. But I WAS waiting for him. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't. 4) The friend is no longer my friend. The kicker is she totally badmouthed me to my bf when they were together. Told him that she & I really weren't friends at all. This was naturally to convince him that "doing" it with her wouldn't be so bad then.

Girlfriends who sleep with your ex!! What if after you get back together, you find out from your ex that one of your close friends came on to him and they slept together, during the time you were broken up (only 2 months)... and that she KNEW that you were heartbroken and still in love with him as she was doing it? That even when you were still together with him, she was always flirting with him behind your back, while still pretending to be sweet & nice to you? That this person had been your friend for 15 years!! He told me this and feels extremely guilty and scared that I will hate him or leave him for doing this. He says it was just a momentary distraction, they were drunk, etc., but she really fell for him. I know she's mad & jealous that he's back hanging out with me again, but he claims there was no real connection between them. I know we were broken up at the time BUT...now that doesn't excuse HER behavior. Isn't this what you call betrayal to the highest degree??? What do you people think-don't most of us believe there is an unspoken code of ethics with our women friends...you just don't F**K other friends boyfriends - or exboyfriends. I mean, come on, at least not while the body's still warm! We hadn't even been broken up for that long, and we had a year and a half long relationship. Opinions?

I totally know how much stress he is under. I knew about this when I met him, and I vowed then that I would stand by him no matter what. He just seems unwilling to let go of ME completely...still talking doing stuff together when he gets out...it's obvious he still wants me in his life, but at the same time he is saying "no" to a relationship. I know I must respect his wishes...but it's hard because we do see each other everyday, and when we hug...it's like we are hugging each other's souls. I know everyone tells me to move on, but I don't want him to think that I am just abandoning ship at the critical point. It's like he is pushing everyone around him away who is close...I know he's afraid...that's why I want him to know that I have the strength to be there for him if he needs me. Yes, there is hope on my part for more later. But I feel like this is the best way, if there is ever going to be a next time.

Many of you may have read my posts. I'm not really sure where to post this thread, but I thought I'd give it try here. Here's the thing - My ex and I have been hanging out lately. I was heartbroken over the breakup and he knows that I am still very much in love with him. (We broke up 2 months ago, together for a year) Anyway, I think part of the reason why he broke up with me is because he is about to be incarcerated for a short time and it is really affecting him mentally. He says that he doesn't want to be attached to anything or anyone right now, and doesn't want to feel committed either. However, he keeps calling me, and needing contact and we've been intimate but he is definitely very distant emotionally. He pulls away, no tenderness or affection. (he used to be VERY affectionate) He says that he loves me, and if I respect him, I should just be patient and take a wait and see attitude...that if anything were to happen again with us it will have to be because we are friends first. I told him that I will be there for him, during and after this horrible experience (he's innocent) that of course I am his friend but in no way can I look at him platonically. He said he understood that I can't...but that he just feels numb right now and can't give anything. He said I should wait until he gets out when he will b able to focus more clearly on everything. He says he just wants to get this whole thing over with. So-what should I do?? Is he just telling me what I want to hear? Is he just BS-ing me? Is this just his "nice guy" way to let me off easy? Just doesn't want to hurt me? Or do you think there's a real chance that we can get back together when he is out (2 months)? I have been extremely patient these past few months...we've been rebuilding our friendship and having great discussions, and eventually, some really incredible sex. I find myself falling even more in love with him...and he is giving me no indication of wanting anything more right now. It's killing me. Any advice?

But- what if your ex DID NOT break up with you because of you...what if there were extenuating circumstances that he did not want to expose you to, so by breaking it off, would in essense push you away from him? Maybe he thought that I couldn't handle it, without really talking about it beforehand. Would total NC really be appropriate in this instance?? And then-what if you decided to stand by him anyway...wouldn't that show him that no matter what, you were ready to just be there for him, even though he shows signs of just wanting to disengage?

It;s funny...a lot of people here talk about love equalling addiction...and then disparaging the addiction as unhealthy. But love is something different for all. Some can have that "healthy" kind of love, whereby both parties have an equal invested interest in each other, everything is balanced, blah blah blah...but really, in reality things are much different. One person may love the other more, then the other loves the other more, and the boat tips from one end to the other. What about the 2 people you meet, who've been together for 40 years and have never spent a night apart? Would you call that unhealthy? Yes, sometimes there is balance, and those are the times you strive for. But love is very irrational. And no matter what someone advises, the heart will always want what the heart wants. Personally, I will take passion any day over a logical, rational, conservative relationship. Differences of opinion are integral to any relationship. Loving completely is also integral. The two, to me, should co-exist naturally in any relationship.

eendjuh I know exactly how you feel. My bf broke up with me in feb and he always calls me, lets me know he's thinking of me, but will NOT commit to a getting back together again phase...it's hard bcs I see him everyday, and hard to do NC...so I've gone the "friend" route...friends, even tho there's lots of sexual tension between us. I think your ex definitely still has feelings for you-but at this point, I wouldn't force her to be one way or the other. Let her talk to you. Talk to her. Be comforting. But be in control. Tell her you'd love to talk to her over dinner or something, but if she's gonna call you randomly, tell her it's just too hard, or just turn your phone off. We, as ex's who want to get back together with our ex's, must retain some sort of control..even if it's shortlived...If she really wants/needs you, your being there will speak for itself. But you shouldn't be a doormat either. I'm trying to live by these words too!!!

These are all really great recommendations...thanks to you all...yes, I think by not being too available will make him wonder. Like tonight, he came over and when my phone rang, (with a private ring tone) he asked if it was my new bf. (Ha!, as if) I just said well, I didn't know..then when my phone kept ringing he wanted to answer it, then talked to the person (as it happened, a mutual friend) But really, in my mind I was thinking I;d never answer HIS phone like that (especially if it was his new gf), so what is it he's really doing? Being possessive like that doesn't sound like he's completely over us...or does it????

Update on my situation: So, my ex and I have maintained pretty friendly contact these past couple of weeks after breaking up 2 months ago. At that time he told me that he felt like he needed to "explore" other areas...needless to say I was devastated. Anyway, I have been trying to just be his friend, struggling to keep my composure when he'd tell me about his new gf and just listen. He knows that I still have feelings for him, but strangely this doesn't seem to keep him from calling or coming around to see me. I guess he's been having trouble being with her because she is really young and immature. Well, the other night he came over pretty late and we had a great talk, just laughing and dreaming up inventions and when I suggested he just sleep on the couch he said it wouldn't be right because "we might do something we'd regret later". When I disagreed and said "don't be ridiculous, I'm not going to attack you or anything" he said "it wouldn't be me he'd have to worry about" it was him. Well, one thing led to another - yes, we slept together, and of course it was great. Afterwards I could tell that he felt a little weird about it, so I just told him to not worry, that this was something we both wanted and needed, that if he could respect my feelings of being still in love with him, then I'd try to respect where he was coming from, and that we should just be gentle with each other's feelings. He acted like he was still in love with me...just loving and tender and passionate. We told each other that we loved one another very much. He asked me to be patient-that his mind is just chaotic right now. I told him that I don't want to sleep with anyone else. He revealed that he CAN'T sleep with anyone else. He's tried - with her - but just can't bring himself to do it. So, today, he told me that he's breaking up with his gf. He said he just can't stand being with someone who has absolutely nothing to say. (shes 19) and talks non-stop about nothing, he says when he's with her he pretty much says nothing. (BTW, he's 23) I don't know what I should do with this information! I feel like maybe he was unconsciously comparing her to me and coming up short. But I don't know if this is a positive sign that he may be coming back to me or if it means that he's going to continue on his search for someone else or what! I am still so in love with him (he knows this) and am trying to be strong but I don't want to get my hopes up too high. I think he may have felt a little weird about telling me, because afterwards it was alittle awkward, but I just tried to act like it didn't affect me too much. Should I just keep doing what I'm doing - no pressure, being fun & flirty, living my life, and making him feel good when he's around me? The last thing I want to do is go "well, what about us then?" I feel like that might just scare him away...I really could use some advice on this!! Thanks guys

Yes, I definitely want to stick with him thru his incarceration. It's whyI chose to NOT just take off when he broke upwith me. I know it's unusual to be in love with someone his age, but please understand that our age difference was never an issue before...he is an "old soul"...has worked on his own since he was 16...and has a lot to offer in terms of experience and conversation. I fell in love with "him" and not his age. It's only NOW that he seems to be reassessing his situation. He told me when we broke up that "we can't grow old together". And "we can't have kids together". I don't think this is an obstacle when 2 people are in love...he never brought it up before...but again - it's like he did a lot of re-evaluating on his trip. It's just that he seems to desperately want to know that I will be around in his life still.