HeartAche

Thecheddaboy, you and me are so on the same page it's scary. You may have read my tale of wo, but here's the cliffnotes version. Met her in June 2001, she was 22, I was 27. Hit it off immediately, a few months into the relationship (just before my 28th birthday) she asked me to marry her and I said yes. Years passed and, although we had a few ups and downs, I thought things were okay. We wanted to get married but both knew that we couldn't afford it just yet. Had a "big row", not exactly a row but didn't speak for almost a week, in October last year. She started packing her stuff but had no intention of going. I comforted her and apologised, we hugged and I thought that was it. Over the next couple of months she was cold and distant with me (see ). During that time we had a couple of talks where she basically said the last 4 years have been crap! Managed to get through it and things seemed to be getting better. I occasionally went quiet because I was wondering what actually happened between the two of them even though she swore nothing happened. Went away to Egypt together in April and were talking about doing up the house so we could move. Then she started putting work before me and I got upset about that and one morning I was all worried that we were going to drift back to where we were last year with her not being loving, that I just snapped. I wanted attention so I made the big mistake of sending her a text saying 'You're right, this isn't working'. She first came back with 'What does that mean', then she came back with 'You're right it isn't'. I was gobsmacked. I quickly phoned her and she was adamant it was over. I was in tears, asking her not to do this and stuff. Got home that night and she said we need a break, it's only temporary, think of it like a holiday. Didn't move out that night because my dad came round and she felt awkward. Still, whilst he was there, she was saying that she's can't stay away too long as we've got a wedding to plan! Next day she moved in with her sister, communication got less and less then the following week, by email, she said it was over. That was a week last Friday and I'm still devastated by the whole thing. I try to keep busy but I seem to think about her every waking moment. I go to the cinema with a friend but it just doesn't seem the same anymore. I know she's not coming back but I'm still clinging to the hope that perhaps she'll email me one day and say she's made a terrible mistake. I just don't think I'll ever find anyone that can make me feel as happy as she did. Sorry to waffle on so much in your thread, when my fingers start typing about her, I just can't seem to stop! ](*,)

Okay I know I'm probably just clutching at straws here but I just thought I'd see what you guys think. I've been broken up from my Fiancee now for 2 weeks - officially 1 week (the first week she said we need a temporary break). Anyway, we haven't agreed on strict NC as she's still got to collect her things from the house and we've a lot of financial issues to resolve so I usually just wait for her to contact me and then, if she asks a question, I'll reply. The last time she contacted me was Tuesday 25th, we sent a few emails back and forth, I corrected her on a few issues, told her I wasn't saying this because I wanted her back, because I don't (I do really but you know!). She replied saying I was correct with some things and that was it. However, apart from Wednesday, every day this week she's logged onto my website. I set up a special message that only she can see for her ages ago and she doesn't seem to do anything else but login and then logout. So I'm thinking that she's logging in to see if the message is still there. Why would she do this if she doesn't want to be with me anymore? Is there a chance that, after I told her I didn't want her back she's now having second thoughts and thereforeeee checking if her special message is still there? ](*,) It's just strange that it's about the same time everyday, and what's more strange is the time. It's usually about 9.20 which seems a bit weird to me as, when we were together, she always started work about 7.30 - 8.00 so you'd think the logical time to log onto the site would be when she gets to work before anyone else comes in. Am I reading too much into this?

I'm glad I'm not the only one who thinks this! Thecheddaboy, everything you've mentioned in this thread is how I'm currently feeling. I tried browsing through a dating site the other evening and, although there we plenty of attractive women, I couldn't see myself with any of them. Maybe it's too soon but I think of her getting asked out by tons of blokes and being out having a good time having completely forgotten about me and the 5 years we had together. If I think of her alone then, although it hurts, it's not too bad. But, the circumstances of which we split are all a bit suspicious to me - and several people I've mentioned it to (including a bunch on here). So it seems like she's found this new bloke and has already moved on and is really happy. I just keep thinking of all her good qualities that this new guy will be enjoying whilst I'm at home alone suffering.

Yes I've got the same problem. I seem to be sleeping really easily but then I wake up and realise I can't rollover and hug her and then I start wondering if she's in bed snuggling up to someone else and I just feel sick.

Excellent post. I'm exactly the same. My Fiancee of 5 years broke up with me a week ago and I'm utterly crushed. Although I'm 32, she was the first woman I ever loved. It makes me think back to my first long term relationship that I ended after 6 years due to my own immaturity and selfish reasons. How that poor girl must have felt and I was just so oblivious to it. The stupid thing is, I really regret ending my first relationship. The only reason I think I didn't love her is because I didn't let myself love her, if that makes any sense. She was a lovely girl and would make any man happy but, for some reason, I just didn't let her in. The only thing that's keeping me going at the moment is the fact that I know my next relationship should be a million times better as I'm a much better person now than I ever was.

Excellent advice and my thoughts exactly. I'm faced with a similar dilema, just split up last Friday after a week and one day of being "on a break". Her birthdays in a couple of weeks. We haven't had a strict NC rule. She seems to email or text me whenever she feels like it and I'm too polite to ignore her. If you do decide to send her some birthday wishes, as Crvers suggested, DON'T ask her any questions. If you do then you'll be sitting there expecting a reply that may never come. Just keep it short and friendly, something like "All the best on your xx birthday, hope you have a fantastic day. Love always, {Rimshot} xxx" Not sure about the "Love" and the "xxx", it all depends on how you still feel about her.

Is there some "How to break up" guide book and this is one of the required steps? That's exactly what my Fiancee of 5 years said to me last Friday.

That's exactly what I was thinking. I find it hard to believe that after 5 years of living together, 4 of which we were engaged after SHE asked me to marry her. She's now decided that she's too young to settle down and she wants to be single. Why can't she just be honest with me, why say crap like "we're too different", "I love you but I'm not in love with you"? Makes absolutely no sense and why on earth does she want to remain friends? Why say she doesn't want me to hate her for this? What difference does it make how I feel about her now? She's obviously off doing her thing so what does it matter what I think of her now? Also, after Fridays revelations, there was no contact from her over the weekend and then this afternoon, I get a text and an email "Are you in work?" Why??? I eventually replied with "Yes, why?" and got a "Just askin" in return! What's the point. She's also still visiting my web site, presumably to see if her special message is still there. Surely she'd want nothing to do with me now, she's made her decision that she doesn't want to be with me so why try to say in contact????

After a bunch of emails I eventually asked her if she's made her decision and got this: I'm glad you've started sorting yourself out and I'm glad you've booked an appointment with the doctor I really should do that as well. Honey I just want you to know that I'm not blaming you for what's gone on recently as I've realised that had i have spoken to you about things we probably wouldn't be in this situation now, but there were reasons why i didn't or couldn't speak to you and some of that I blame you for but I blame myself as well i think maybe I just didn't want to talk to you, I just couldn't be bothered and I don't mean that in a horrible way. Baby I'm bored with the relationship I'm still young and I want to do stuff, anything and everything I don't care who with or where i just want to do stuff, i don't want to look back on my life in 20-30 years time and have nothing to talk about. I can go out now and do some private work earn a bit more money and not feel guilty about leaving you at home on your own or you being mad with me cause I'm late or not charged enough or whatever, I know you care about me but I can't deal with the stroppyness believe it or not it actual hurts when your mad at me and it makes me dislike you for it which I don't want to do. I think we should just call it a day, I know that's not what you want and i'm leaving you with nothing of my own so it'll be harder for me but I'll pick myself up cause i know I'm strong. I love you but as I said the other day I'm not in love with you and I can't see me spending the rest of my life with you. You may well change but I don't want you to change for me and I don't want to turn you into something you're not. We have had alot of good times and I'll never forget you but I want to spend the rest of my life being happy, maybe I would have with you but I think i let it go too far without explaining how I felt earlier. I hope you don't think that this has been five years wasted because to me it hasn't. I'm sorry for hurting you, please don't hate me I don't want you to hate me for this xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx I just feel so numb now, my stomach is churning and I'm just shell shocked. I always had a feeling that it was over but now there's was always that glimmer of hope... and now that's gone. I'd appreciate some words of encouragement from anyone who's been through this before.

Not wanting to ignore her I replied and so far today I've had 8 emails! I was gradually improving but now I feel I'm back to square one. Her emails are little chit chat things, like "hope you're okay", "what have you been up to?" but she's throwing in a few digs about things that obviously annoyed her in the past and adding in phrases like "not that it matters now". What does this mean? Do I take the fact that she's emailing me as a good sign? Or is this kind of behaviour normal when you split up with someone you've been with for a while? I'm doing my best to not mention that I'm missing her loads and asking her if she's any closer to a decision yet but it's extremely hard. Having said that, her last email that I've just received is pretty damning: You really need to get out of there! You're not happy with your job and you obviously don't like the people you work with so why stay there? I know I moan about my job but on the whole I have a laugh and a joke at work which makes the day go quicker plus I'm actually going places with it so that I'm pleased about it's just the politics that annoy me. I think you're just the type of person that settles down in something gets comfortable and that's where you want to stay because it's easy. You tell me I have no back bone yours is just as soft!! I'm not having a go at you I'm saying this because it's true and I think if you sat down and thought about it you'd realise it too. I want you to be happy in everything you do believe it or not (and I've realised it ) if you think about yourself for a bit and take a grip, go after something that you want and achieve it you'll be happier, and I don't mean with someone else I mean alone. This sounds bad and selfish but I'm actually enjoying this break I'm tired and run down but I'm finishing work when I want get home when I want call who I want take the dogs out fall asleep early leave stuff lying about and I just feel free! I have thought about you, mainly hoping that you're okay and I do miss you to some extent. I think that i am a very independent person really I need my space but I also like to do things and get there meet people and make friends. You need to find yourself and be truthful with yourself as to what you really want out of life. I sound like I'm preaching, I'm sorry! Don't take any of what I've said the wrong way okay I'm just giving some advise which you probably don't want but hopefully it might o some good xxxxxxxx So I don't think it takes a genius to figure out that she's no intention of coming back, even though she hasn't said it in so many words.

Well the NC lasted a whole 46 hours. I was on the way home last night when I got a text from her: "You okay?" Bit cold I thought but, as we hadn't said that there was a no contact rule, I thought I'd best reply. I was toying about being honest and telling her how I really was but then thought, what's the point? It's not going to change anything, so I replied with: "Fine thanks, you?" I was expecting her to come back with a 'Yeah I'm okay' response and I was right, a few minutes later I got a: "Yeah apart from having a head cold!" There was no question attached to it so I just left it at that. I'm trying not to read into the messages too much but it's hard not too. I suppose the fact that she contacted me means that she's obviously thinking about me - or am I wrong? The fact she didn't put any kisses on them is probably so I don't get the wrong idea or maybe this whole thing is a big game to her and she's just doing this to torment me, let me know that she still exists and that she's perfectly fine without me. Oh well, there's only one week to go now until I get her decision - not that I'm expecting it to be the one I want but I can live in hope eh? Edit: This just in, she's just sent me an email: "How are you? How come you didn't reply to the last text I sent?" Why is she doing this to me? My heart is now pounding big time and my stomach is churning once again. Should I tell her how I really am or should I just be aloof again?

I'm in exactly the same situation as you and VictoriasImage (see ) so I know how you're feeling. People tell you you'll find someone else but that's the last thing on your mind right now. You keep thinking of her all happy, out with other people having a good time whilst you're sat at home all miserable thinking about her. You can't get motivated to doing anything, even eat and you keep hoping that she'll phone you out the blue to tell you she's sorry she's made a huge mistake and wants to come back to you. I wish I had all the answers for you mate, I really do. I've never experienced pain like this either but unfortunately things are out of your hands. I've started keeping a book where, every evening, I write down what I'm thinking and feeling. I've even written a couple of poems about the situation and it actually helps a little. You said you're based in the UK, perhaps if you're not too far from me we could go out for a drink some time and drown our sorrows together? Feel free to PM me (same with you Victoria) and we can chat about our woes.

Sounds very much like the situation I'm currently in with my Fiancee (assuming she still thinks we're engaged). She's moved out after 5 years of being together saying she needs a break. She used the "we fight too much, we're too different" lines too. Unfortunately it's out of your control. All you can do is what I'm trying to do now. Give them the space they want. Hopefully they'll use the time to seriously think about things and, if we're lucky, perhaps if they're on their own they'll realise they miss us too much and come back. It's incredibly hard and painful I know because, as I said, I'm going through the exact same thing right now. Just give them space, try not to contact them and wait to see what happens. Don't wait too long though, give him something like 2 weeks to figure out what he wants and if he wants more time say that's fine but you're not going to hang about.

Thanks everyone for your kind words of support. I've managed to get through the first 24 hours of no contact. It wasn't easy as, because we didn't set any NC rules as such, I was still expecting her to contact me and the fact that she hasn't, after the way she was on Tuesday, makes me think that she's made her decision all ready. However, no news is good news I guess. Perhaps she feels that if she doesn't contact me for a few days it will help her figure out how she really feels. Feels very strange though, after having some sort of contact with someone everyday for 5 years then all of a sudden they're not there anymore.

Salt, You seem to have a similar opinion to my dad. He finds the hole "empty flat thing" a bit convenient and when I think back to the conversation it does seem strange. She said that she would be doing a couple of private jobs after work next week and I told her not to overdo it as, because of the excessive travelling, she'll make herself ill. She originally said that it's okay, she'll probably spend a couple of nights near her friend. I then asked if it's okay if she stays with her friend and she said it was. Then, only after I said that she should spend some time alone, she decided to mention the flat. Both the flat and the friend are near to where she works so why didn't she mention the flat to begin with? Kitten, Thanks for the advice. I think what you have suggested is a good idea but I'm just worried that if I don't reply to her emails or texts then she'll think I'm ignoring her and that'll push her away also. Yesterday, for example, I didn't get her email straight away and so obviously didn't reply. After about 30 minutes, because I hadn't replied, she sent me a text saying the same thing. If she emails me, should I reply saying that I think we shouldn't contact each other anymore until the 27th or would it be better to try and ignore her?

Hi, My Fiancee of 5 years left me last Thursday telling me that we need a break. She was all reasurring telling me that she'd be back and we just needed a couple of weeks apart and that I should look at it as though she's just on holiday. We made love before she left and she phoned me after about 10 minutes of going and we talked until she got to her sisters who lives about an hour away. The following day she popped in on her way to her sisters from work and, as I wasn't there, she tried calling a couple of times but I was in the cinema so I couldn't answer. I got out the cinema, called her just as she was about to leave and she asked if I wanted her to wait, I said yes. She then offered to cook me dinner and I said that it would be nice. I got home and saw she had written me a loving note. I gave her a hug and she asked why I couldn't be like that all the time. We had dinner then snuggled on the sofa and ended up making love again. She then left and again phoned me and we spoke until she got to her sisters. Over the weekend she sent a couple of texts and we spoke briefly but she seemed really fed-up and hardly said anything. I then phoned her early on Monday and again she seemed miserable and didn't seem to want to talk to me. I got a couple of cold texts during the day and she popped in on the way back from work but wasn't like she was on Friday. I tried to talk to her but she didn't seem to want to say anything. Eventually she told me that she loves me but she doesn't know if she's in love with me and that's why we need this time apart. She said she didn't want to throw away the five years we've had and she thinks this is a good idea. I said that she should really be on her own then rather than with her family and then she said that her boss has a flat for sale that's currently empty and she could use that for a bit. I said that it was a good idea and she said she'll move into the flat today (Wednesday). I suggested that perhaps we shouldn't contact each other and she said that she'll probably send me loads of emails tomorrow anyway. So we agreed that she could contact me and I'll respond but I won't contact her. We hugged and said goodbye and that was the last time I saw her. On Tuesday mid-day I got an email which I replied to then she came back with another one that sounded a bit nasty, effectively blaming my parents for "the way I am" and there was no loving signoff (we usually sign off with three kisses and the first email had those). I was diplomatic in my response and said that she's probably right but I think it'll make me a better father as I won't make the same mistakes. Again she came back with a nasty response saying that she won't contact my parents for fear of saying something she'll regret, like "because of them I need councelling". Then she had a couple of digs about me being a father, saying that I'd probably be good apart from the fact that I can't cook and I'd always be worried about my stuff getting damaged. I decided to leave it at that so didn't reply. When I got home I found that she'd already been there and from the way things were left it was obvious that she rushed around to get in and out before I got back. She'd taken a few extra clothes, some old mail, her hair straightners, laptop and laptop bag plus a weeks supply of the pill - she'd stopped taking the pill about a month ago so why, if she's on her own, would she start now? She's not even due on for another couple of weeks so this would throw her cycle out of wack. Before I knew what was gone, I phoned her to make sure it was her and she ignored the phone. 10 minutes later she called back and asked if I called - I called her mobile so unless she's erased me from her phonebook she'd know that I'd called. I said I just wanted to check that it was her who came in the house and I made a comment about it being a fleeting visit. She said it was and she had to get back because she's got to sort out the dogs. I asked if she's moving into the flat tonight and she said she was. I then said that I'd let her go then and I can't be 100% certain but it sounded like she said "okay, see you later mate". Mate? Again I can't be sure and I don't think I've ever heard her call anyone mate before but it certainly sounded like it. The two week "break" is due to end on the 27th of this month but from the way things have gone, I don't think she'll come back. It's hurting so much because I'm alone and it feels like it's over but I'm also clinging to the hope that she'll come back to me. What should I do?