HeartAche

That's one way to look at it, but on the other side of the coin there's "out of site, out of mind". Don't let pride stand in the way of talking to her. Contact her and find out what she wants first. If she wants a break then, if you're okay with that, agree to it and immediately start NC. At the moment though, it sounds like you don't know where things are, so I would definitely try to establish where her heads at.

Have you tried talking to her since then? Most people say or do things in the heat of the moment that, when they think back, regret later on. Just because she wanted her keys back and gave you yours back doesn't necessarily mean it's over.

No I don't think the crying was fake. I think it really hit home when she went in the spare room to collect her stuff and saw all the "Me to You" Tatty Teddy oarnaments I've bought for her over the years nicely arranged. I must admit, at some points of the evening I thought she wanted to come back. One example was when she seemed to not know where to start with regards to what to pack first, I said in a joking manner "see, it would be so much easier if you stayed" and she said, "yes it would". I think she does still feel something for me because she said it was hard seeing me again, but she wouldn't let me hug her and when I asked if she wanted a hug she said "better not". I still love her but the way she said she'd "better not" to having a hug makes me think that she's already with someone else. Surely if she was still single and wanted to get back with me, she wouldn't have packed away her things? It's so confusing. I'd love to talk to her about it but, when I tried on Friday she just didn't seem to want to. Worst part is that it's opened up all those old wounds again just when I thought I was doing okay.

What makes you think it's over?

Everyone knows that a healthy relationship is based on communication, "honesty is the best policy" etc... etc... Yet it seems that in some part of every relationship we all seem to play mind games with each other. Why? My ex broke things off about 3 months ago and I was doing reasonably well until last Friday when she had to see me to pick up some of her stuff. I managed to get through the evening pretty calmly where I could see her shed several tears every now and then. She admitted that seeing me was really hard but when I asked two straight forward questions - "Do you think about me much?" and "Any regrets?", I got the answer of "Maybe" to both. Why not just give me a straight answer? I'm guessing that, as she didn't say yes, the answer to both was no but she either didn't want to hurt my feelings or she wants me to have false hope in case she ever changes her mind. As annoying as those responses were, the kicker was when I asked for the house keys back. "I want to keep them" she said. After going back and forth with "Why?" and "Because" for about five minutes she came out with "I might want to move my stuff back in". What?!?! I knew deep down the real reason was so she could come and collect the rest of her stuff when I wasn't around, so why blatently lie and give me renewed optomism? Other lies throughout the evening included gems such as "I'll probably be single for the rest of my life now" and "I can't be bothered with sex anymore". Part of me thinks that there's been someone else on the scene since the day she dumped me and it's nice that she's not rubbing that in my face, but why mention anything like that at all? The old "me think the girl doth protest too much" rings loud and clear on this one. Anyway, for those questioning the whole NC thing, this is a perfect example of why you need to stick with it. I was doing pretty well, it took me a while but I wasn't hurting so much. Now after seeing her again, I'm constantly going over the evenings events in my head trying to find little snippets that could have an indication she might want to get back together and I feel I'm back to square one.

I personally think it's a bad idea but I guess it all depends on your own personal situation. I split up from my ex 3 months ago, she had to come round last Friday to collect some more of her stuff and before I saw her, I thought I was doing reasonably well - I still thought about her everyday but it was no longer painful. Now after seeing her I feel I'm back to square one. I guess if you've moved on and are happy with someone else then it wouldn't be a problem. But if you're in my situation, you just try to analyse everything, why did she say that?, does that mean she misses me and wants me back? etc....

"Little idiosyncrasies that only I knew about. Those made her my wife. And she had the goods on me too. Little things I do out of habit. People call these things imperfections Will. It's just who we are. And we get to choose who we're going to let into out weird little worlds. You're not perfect. And let me save you the suspense, this girl you met isn't either. The question is, whether or not you're perfect for each other." Excellent bit of dialog. Nowt wrong with being a movie dork btw

Nope, and didn't even have the courtesy to let me know she wasn't!

Jue, I feel for you, I really do. It's horrible after you've been with someone for so long to suddenly have to contemplate life without them. Knowing that after a long day at work you've got to come home to an empty house. It's difficult and made even worse by the fact that your ex is out there enjoying themselves with someone else. Unfortunately all you can do is try to start living again but for you this time. Easier said than done I know but you don't want to waste your life thinking about him anymore. I know the lies are annoying, I have similar issues with my ex - she arranged to come round tonight to collect her things and discuss our joint financial issues, but didn't bother turning up and didn't even have the courtesy to let me know - you just have to live with it and use things like this to your advantage. He's a liar, would you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone you can't trust? Get angry about the fact that he's lying if it helps, start keeping a journal of how you're feeling and write down everything that's on you mind. I find that getting all your feelings out on paper is quite therapeutic.

I know exactly what you mean CheddaBoy. My ex is supposed to be coming round tonight to pick up the rest of her belongings and discuss our financial issues. Due to the time I don't think she's coming anymore but everytime I hear a car pull up or a noise outside the front door, my stomach does a quick spin.

Well, a few weeks ago I would have said yes. When she ended it, she said she didn't want a bad break up and force me to sell the house. However, she also agreed that she'd take it easy on the spending which she's obviously decided to change her mind on. What's more annoying is that she said she's been doing lots of private work, which I bet she's been paying the money from that into her own account. To be honest, I think I'm more annoyed by the fact that I'm unable to go out and have fun because I'm worried about the financial situation yet, a mere two weeks after she ended it, she's off having a fantastic time in one of Londons most expensive night spots. This makes me wonder who she was with and basically undoes 4 weeks of hard work where I've been keeping it together and moving on with my life. I could do with a night out in London myself, but I'm sensible and know that money is tight at the moment. Why do I have to be the sensible, responsible one and she can get to act like this?

The only thing is that I don't want to sell the house, although I guess I may not have a lot of choice. I'm just going to have to bite my lip tomorrow when she comes round and calmly mention that I thought we weren't going to go stupid with money until things are sorted. See what she has to say and take it from there.

Not really as two of her loans are in my name and, after this little spell, I wouldn't trust her to continually make the payments. Plus the secured loan can't be split accross two accounts.

Quick recap for those who don't know my story. Broke up with my Fiancee 5 weeks ago - she initially said a break, we agreed on 2 weeks the after the first week she ended it. Because we were together for so long our finances are somewhat intertwinned - joint mortgage, joint secured loan, joint account and she has two other loans that I took out for her. The day she ended it (via email btw), I asked about the finances and she said she'll continue paying into the account for now. Obviously not ideal I know but it'll give us both time to sort something out. Last week she said she's getting a van to come and pickup the rest of her stuff next week (tomorrow in fact). I asked if she had any thought on the money thing and she said no, have I? I said no and we agreed to discuss it on Tuesday. She's crap with money and knows money is extremely tight, I've been staying in at the weekends and stuff to save a bit of money until things are sorted out and was expecting her to do the same. BUT, just got my bank statement throught and noticed that last week she splurged £136.95 in a clothes shop and the very same day, withdrew £50.00 (with a £1.75 cashpoint charge no less) at one of London's night spots! She obviously spent the lot that night because the following day she withdrew another £30.00 from near where she works and she's obviously not using this money for food because that day she also spent £44.19 in the supermarket. Plus it's not for petrol either because the following day she spent £63.20 on a train ticket, followed by withdrawing a further £40.00 out of a mysterious cash point!! I mean, how selfish can you get?!?!? Together 5 years yet I obviously meant so little to her that she can go out for a night on the town!! No money and yet she's spending it like it's going out of fashion!!!!! Now I've got her coming round to pick up her stuff tomorrow and talk about money. What on earth am I going to say? ](*,)

It's not just men, it's also women. My Fiancee of 5 years decided at the age of 27 (almost 28) that she was too young to settle down. The big kicker was that SHE asked ME to marry her 4 years prior! I think the problem comes when you've been with someone a while, gotten comfy, the intial "honeymoon" effect has long gone and then you get a bit of attention from someone else that makes you feel special. So you start to think that you should always feel this way about someone - butterflies and all that stuff.

I guess it differs from person to person. I know the rule of thumb is it takes 2 months for every year you were with that person, but it all really depends on the circumstances I would imagine. I was with my ex for 5 years, we've been separated for a month and although I still constantly think about her every day, the pain isn't what it was a few weeks ago. Some people I guess are fast healers, but I've always believed that it's love not time that heals all wounds. Time helps obviously but until that new "special someone" comes into your life then you'll never be fully over your ex. Perhaps that's just me, I don't know. However, if you're finding it difficult to emotionally open up then perhaps you aren't ready to date yet. Does this new woman know your situation? I know the last thing you want to talk about in a new relationship is an old one but maybe if you tell this new person how you feel and that you want to take things slow - i.e. become really good friends first - then it might help you. I don't think it's going to do your new relationship any good if you're not fully into it. The new woman may sense there's something wrong and pull away herself.

Robin, image removed I'd love to go on a date with you - damn that atlantic ocean! And wouldn't class 35 as old - my original online dating profile said I was looking for women between 27 and 35 but everyone over 30 who contacted me looked about 45+!! So I had to drop it down to 32. You, on the other hand, certainly don't look 35, I'd have said late 20's if I had to guess. As for the IM thing, definitely and don't worry about 100 emails - I work in I.T. so I could with something to read during the day! Hope you're feeling better today, take care and make sure you look after yourself.

What an excellent quote *pops off to set it as his signature* Robin, Apologies about the MySp*ce suggestion - I forgot about some of your previous posts I know what you mean about the website thing, I keep checking mine to see if she's logged on and, if she has, I do a quick check to find out what she did. Fortunately she hasn't logged on for a few days now - ever since I removed her special message as it happens! The online dating thing will take a while, I've signed up too and the only women who have contacted me look very old - they're only 30 - 33 but they look in their 40's! But if I'm meant to find someone on there, then I'm sure I will and the same goes for you. Perhaps you're not meant to meet someone online, perhaps you'll bump into your Mr Right down the local Walmart or something. Just remain positive and if you feel the urge to go to his website, pop on here and send me a PM instead! Stay strong.

Courtesy of Ms Aguilera.. "When they push, when they pull Tell me can you hold on When they say you should change Can you lift your head high and stay strong Will you give up, give in When your heart's crying out "that is wrong" Will you love you for you at the end of it all Now in life there's gonna be times When you're feeling low And in your mind insecurities seem to take control We start to look outside ourselves For acceptance and approval We keep forgetting that the one thing we should know is [Chorus] Don't be scared To fly alone Find a path that is your own Love will open every door See in your hands the world is yours Don't hold back and always know All the answers you will unfold What are you waiting for Spread your wings and soar The boy who wonders, is he good enough for them Keep trying to please them all But he just never seems to fit in Then there's the girl who thinks she'll never ever be Good enough for him He's trying to change and That's a game she'll never win In life there will be times when you're feeling low And in your mind insecurities seem to take control We start to look outside ourselves For acceptance and approval We keep forgetting that one thing we should know is Don't be scared To fly alone Find a path that is your own Love will open every door See in your hands the world is yours Don't hold back and always know All the answers they will unfold What are you waiting for Spread your wings and soar In the mirror is where she comes Face to face with her fears Her reflection looked forward on to her After all these years However how she's tried to be Something besides herself Now time has passed and she's ended up Somewhere else with regret What is it is that makes us feel the need To keep pretending Gotta let ourselves be Don't be scared To fly alone Find a path that is your own Love will open every door See in your hands the world is yours Don't hold back and always know All the answers you will unfold Don't wait no more Spread your wings and soar Find your road Love will open every door See in your hands the world is yours Don't look back in the window, you'll find your way Always know all the answers will unfold Oh don't wait Spread your wings and soar Don't wait no more You've got to soar Spread your wings and soar Don't wait no more No don't you wait no more Spread your wings and soar You've can soar So what you waiting for Don't wait, Don't wait Soar" Get a copy of this tune onto your MP3 player and listen to it at least once a day and enjoy the goosebumps!!

Hi Robin, I'm really sorry to hear how sad and lonely you're feeling after all this time. Were you doing better before the "try again" 10 day period? Your ex sounds like an extremely selfish, self centered * * * * imo. Going back and forth between two women is bang out of order. I'm guessing that he's never been emotionally hurt if he's able to just toy with your feelings like that. Yet the other woman took him back too? Is he some kind of Brad Pitt stud? Whatever he is, he needs taking down a peg or two by the sounds of things. *Pause, calm down and breath* Ahhh that's better, sorry about the rant. It's just that I'm in a similar situation as you, my ex told me 4 weeks ago she wanted a temporary break, swore it was only temporary even though deep down I knew she wouldn't be back. Then a week after, a few emals went back and forth and I could tell from what she was saying that she wasn't coming back so I asked her if she'd reached a decision and got the whole "I'm bored with the relationship honey, I love you but I'm not in love with you anymore, I want to go out and meet people and have a laugh, I don't want to look back in 20-30 years time with nothing to say" spiel. Anyway, I've now been on my own for 4 weeks and I still miss her big time, she seems to have easily put our 5 year relationship behind her and moved on and I'm wondering why I can't do the same. I look at other woman and, although I find some of them physically attractive, I just can't see myself with them. She seemed to tick all my boxes and now she's gone. The thought of never finding anyone that can make me happy is a very scary one but I figure it's something that everyone goes through at some time or another. I'm not sure where I'm going with this as I just tend to cruise into waffle mode when I start thinking about her but I think the key thing is to try not to think about what he's up to. If you do think about him, try and convince yourself that he's sitting at home alone and unhappy. You need to focus on you, do stuff that makes you happy (as hard as it is). One thing that's helped me a bit is setting up my own MySpace page. You can spend hours customizing your page, finding things to put on it, writing about your interests and looking for new friends. No doubt you're an attractive woman - if that's you in your avatar then hubba hubba - so you'll have no problems meeting someone when you're ready to move on. Just try and think positive, don't let him ruin your life anymore. Sign up to MySpace and add me as a friend... do it, do it now!

I feel your pain my friend. Just gone 5 days NC myself then today she visits my web page again and then, this afternoon, she emails me asking how I am and saying how busy she's been this past week! Unfortunately for me, she's still got all her stuff at what is now my house. Plus the mortgage is in both our names, joint bank account and a couple of joint loans, so I can't really start to move on properly until all that's been sorted.

I'm the same as icemotoboy, there's a lot of similarities with your situation and mine and I'm currently blaming myself for the relationship ending. "If only I hadn't sent that text message in the heat of the moment just to try and get some attention from her, we'd probably still be together" If only this, if only that. The bottom line is that she decided to end it, which, in turn means, she wasn't truly commited to the cause. I'm very much like you in that I got annoyed with her over, what now seem like, silly little things. But at the time they were important to me. She was the most important thing in MY life why wasn't I in hers. In a way I think your situation is slightly worse as you know that she's already seeing someone else. I think my ex already had another interest and some of the things that have happened since we split seem to backup my theories. However, I don't have 100% concrete proof and in a way I'm glad because I felt what you described when she said she didn't want to be with me anymore. If I knew she was with someone else I think I'd feel a million times worse. All you can do, is what I'm trying to do, and that is not think about her. Try to keep yourself busy, even if it's only little things like a bit of household DIY, going to the gym or even something mundane like the washing and ironing. You won't be able to get her fully out of your head doing these things but it'll give you something else to think about. Also try not to think about what she's up to. If you have to think of her, imagine that she's alone just watching telly or something. You're naturally going to assume that she's out there having a great time with her new guy (I know I am) but this isn't necessarily the case and I can pretty much guarantee that she's not having as much fun as you think she is. Keep your chin up mate, we'll get through this together. PS. I liked your lens analogy, it was very well written.

I guess I'm going throught the standard break-up ritual where the dumpee can only think of the good times they had with their ex. All I seem to think about are the times when we were happy, going to the cinema, holding hands whilst walking round the shops, snuggling up on the sofa in the evening or in bed in the morning. Maybe I am just in love at the thought of her I don't know. She seemed to tick most of my boxes and at the moment I can't see anyone else matching up to her. But, again, maybe that's just part of the grieving process I don't know. I've only had three serious relationships in my life. The first lasted 6 years and started when I was 17. I ended it because I was young, stupid and selfish. She was devastated - much like I am now - but I was a total **** and thought the grass was greener. The second lasted 3 years and started when I was 23 (no prizes for guessing why I ended the first ). She ended it on Boxing Day of all days but I don't really remembering it bothering me that much. And now this one which lasted 5 years and started when I was 27. At the moment I believe that she was my first true love. I thought I'd found my soulmate as we seemed to have a lot of silly things in common - both supported the same football team, both used to watch the same TV shows, both had the same favourite artist. Plus we often thought the same thing, both worked great as a team when doing stuff around the house. All that type of stuff. I guess she never loved me as much as I loved her as, if she did, she never would have put me through so much pain last year then wait for me to start getting over it and dump me. I just hate not being part of her life anymore. It's not helped by the fact that I can't fully move on until we've resolved our financial ties and she's moved all her stuff out the house. Once that's done that I'll go the NC route.

Didn't realise a Poetry forum existed. Here's what I wrote for my ex the day she decided we should break up. I'm sorry it has come to this, I'm sorry that it's over. You were the greatest thing in my world, My friend, my soul mate and my lover. From 2001 you've been my life, We've had good times and some bad. I really thought you'd become my wife, And with you I'd become a Dad. I care about you more than you know, But it seems that's not enough. I couldn't bear to think that you'd ever go, Without you life will be tough. I think about you every day, And most likely always will. You were my world for five great years, Losing you is a bitter pill. My heart was always in the right place, Even though I never said it. Looks like by trying to save face, I'm going to live to regret it. I wish you all the best for the future, And that I really mean. Unfortunately I'm left without a cure, Thinking of what could have been.