meadow8

Thanks for your kind words. I'm still not sure...

Unfortunately as I said, I can't just go to Australia, especially not pregnant with no heathcare. Not to mention that I have a house, car, cats and possesions that I would need to sell/take care of first. And adoption doesn't speak to my issue. If I'm going to go through the pregnancy by myself and be with my fiancee in the future, I wouldn't then give the child away. You're correct though about stepping back and looking at the bigger picture, it's something we need to do more of. Thanks for your input.

honestly, i think you should take the ring back and put it away and forget about it. save it for the true 'one', give it to someone who loves you for you and will appreciate it. it may takes years to find, but it will happen.

Hello all, I have a big issue and I'm looking for opinions and advice. I have no one to talk to and need to hear other opinions. Here's my story: Basically the shorter version of my story is that I am 32, engaged and just found out last weekend that I am pregnant. This has come as a surprise we were not expecting and are not ready for, the main reason being that he currently lives in Australia, I am in NYC. He was recently here on a 2.5 week visit in which we got engaged and started our fiancee visa planning process when I got pregnant accidentally. We had already started the paperwork, interviewed with a lawyer, etc. He is already gone back to Australia, I discoverd I was pregnant alone. The plan we had decided on a month or two before this happened was that I was going to migrate to Australia, and we would live there for at least a few years until i got my citizenship. He has been with a company for 8 years, has a lot of stock options, and they are about to go public. The plan was to be there so that he could finish off paying loans and buy his stock options, and in a year we would be well and set, and married. I am financially secure with a house, good job, car, etc. but I was going to set it aside to be with him there. Then this bomb dropped. We both want kids, but wanted to start in about 1.5 years, once we had time to live together as a couple and settle into life. We are very tormented now. I am completely split on what to do as I see pros and cons to both sides. I am 4 weeks pregnant max, and am not against abortion, but I also did want to have kids, love my fiance and plan on being with him forever. I am getting older and I wonder what if this time was rare, and going forward I have issues conceiving? I have several friends with issues. He feels it's too soon, as I do, but wants me to do what I feel I need to do. He doesn't want me to have regrets and loves me and he will support me and do whatever he has to. If we decide to go for it, the plan will change and he will have to come here and give up everything, and I'll need to be pregnant for the majority of the time here without him. Because of immigration issues, I can't go to Australia to have the baby, first off because I wouldnt have health insurance, and secondly, they could send me home if i go on a visitor visa and outstay my terms of 3 months. I can no longer apply for a fiancee visa being pregnant, and a spousal visa wouldnt go through in time. And when he comes here, he won't be able to work so I'll be the breadwinner and helping to pay off any debts he left behind. This has turned into such a sad time for us. We cry on the phone. We're tired and bickering and agitated and exhausted. We have to talk at opposite times of the day which isn't very flexible. I keep flipping back and forth in my head. I even had an appointment to terminate tomorrow morning, but now I feel I need more thinking time. But I do feel myself that we are not ready either. Yet I have always believed that things happen for a reason, so am I going against my own advice? I'd rather be married, I'd rather be settled, I'd rather have time together alone first to build our foundation (we've never lived together, merely flown back and forth accross the world to visit for the last 1.5 years). We are very committed to each other. But I do not want to sabotage our relationship with so much stress so early on, jumping right into life with a child and no time with just each other. Yet again, I feel attached to the idea of having the baby as well. I'm VERY confused as what to do. But I do know that if I am terminating, I want to do it early. I think my fiance is thinking logically and I'm thinking emotionally. Other perspectives are welcomed. Thanks for your opinion or advice!

I had a 9 year LDR. He was in Trinidad, me in NYC mostly. In that time we each lived with each other for a bit. So maybe in 9 years, 7.5 was apart. We broke up eventually. I think honestly the distance prolonged things that shouldn't have been continued. I swore up and down not to get in another LDR. And by sheer luck, now my soon-to-be fiancee lives in Australia! I don't know what's up with me? But we're not prolonging this one. When you know, you know. We plan to be married and living together in the next year - that's if immigration doesn't take too long. And we decide on which country we're going to There are reasons distance is necessary. Love can last the distance if both people are committed and the communication is good. But if there is distance with no permanent togetherness in sight -- not a good thing.

I think it's good to find a common subject between you and the person you're talking to and run with it. It's always hard to talk to someone new. I'm not sure it's easy for anyone. But I think the people that are good at it are the ones who make you feel comfortable and can talk about anything. I think if you come off nervous or fumbling or petrified, that gets the conversation off on a bad note. Try to relax, don't be so concentrated on WHAT you're going to say but HOW you're saying it. Talk about the weather, the party, the news... anything. And what I've learned over the years in a lot of areas is that confidence is 95% of the battle. If you say something like you mean it, people listen. Mumbling and sheepish, to the average person, unfortunately comes off as uninterested, unknowing, etc - even if it's completely untrue. Maybe you could start out at social gatherings that involve a mutual interest- like a club, group, class, etc? Good luck!

I wanted to let all of my shy people out there know that it can get better. I used to be a horrendously shy girl. Not so much with individual conversations with a fellow girl, but definitely in groups or with guys. It's a very hard way to be. Others think you should just snap out of it. But you can't. Well, with time, it gets easier. And one of the best and only ways is to get out there and experience life and make mistakes. I think often shy people paralyze themselves in their shyness. They build up situations so much in their heads, that they're then doomed to get nervous or fail or over-analyze everything. Try to relax. Get out there and enjoy your day. In the grand scheme of things, who cares if you look silly in front of this person or that person. They are people too. And only once you get the confidence to step out of your self-contained prison, will things start to change. I think when I started changing was when I went to live in another country with a much different social culture than say the US. There it was normal to kid around, make fun of and joke at people. It was harmlessly intentioned, but you could either sit around and take it or speak up and shoot right back. This kind of situation challenges you to change. And once you start changing, it just builds and builds. I am still shyish to this day, and I'm definitely not in high school anymore! I'm not great in a big crowd, but that's OK. (If you're not either, concentrate on one person at a time. Don't freak out and get over-whelmed.) I'm not a loud, joke of the party type. But I'm very funny in a lot of other situations. And that's good for me. So my shy peeps... have faith. Ask that girl/guy out! The worst that can happen is she/he says no. In the grand scheme of your life, it's not a big deal. And if she/he says no, it just wasn't meant to be anyway. Someday you may look back like me and realize it was all much less scary than you made it out to be. Don't let other people have all the fun!

I'm not sure what you mean by having any regrets. With that sentence, it sounds as if you ARE curious about this person romantically (and maybe not as sure of your relationship as you're trying to convince yourself of). But you have to remember, curiosity and reality are two different things. I'm not sure which way you should go but I can say a similar situation happened to me. I also randomly started talking to a guy online about 7 years ago- he had a girlfriend, I had a boyfriend, he was in Australia, I was in NYC. It was strictly platonic and a great friendship evolved over the years. We kept in touch and wrote back and forth and I never felt weird or guilty because while there may have been the slightest itty-bitty sense of flirting, it never crossed the line. Fast forward to a year ago, we're both now single, we decide to talk on the phone, talk incessantly for months which leads to meeting in Hawaii and a long stay in NYC and now we're heading towards getting engaged. Point is, you never know what's out there. I found my soulmate on the other end. But if you really are THAT dedicated to your boyfriend and sure that he's the one, I don't think you should meet this guy. But I also see nothing wrong with continuing an online friendship if it's clear to both that that's all it is. Life is not so black and white- not so wrong and right. What you need to do is ask yourself honestly why you're interested? Guilty feelings stem from the fact that you feel something for this person and think about him- obviously not something easy to turn off and on. I DON'T think it would be considerate to just block this person and never speak to them again. Everyone has feelings and at the very least, explain your situation honestly and then say goodbye.

I've been in two long, long distance relationships over the years. The first one obviously not working out, the second going great. I'm in NYC, my boyfriend's in Australia- about as far apart as you can get. Ways to deal include like others said, a lot of communication, honesty, maturity, trust and a date where you can see each other again. Invest in a good phone card too (if you can call him). I use link removed - it's not expensive and I can refill my card online, and unlike a lot of other cards I've used, they don't rip you off on minutes. Another thing we've done is send a lot of postcards, just quick little notes, a few a week. I buy one wherever I go and send to him, it makes it fun. And that way there's constant mail, and it's always nice to have something written in front of you. Anyway, 6 months is not that bad! It might even make things stronger. While you're on your own make sure to keep busy and have fun. Don't sit around brooding or it will make it worse.