godschld7777

Sorry for your past. I was raped at 8 years old, 11 years old, and repeatedly almost daily from ages 13-16. I was used by my boyfriends until about the age of 16 when I realized that I cannot find what I am looking for in just letting guys use me. I realized that I had to start sticking up for myself. I do know that if a guy would mistreat me I would break up with them. I did not put up with anything hardly from any guy. The reason why I let them use me is because I didn't have a dad in my life and my mom was too busy for me. I felt that guys using me was their way of showing me that they care about me, cause at least someone wanted to have something to do with me. Around 15-16 years old I realized that I cannot find love by being used. I didn't trust anyone with my heart. I was married before my current marriage and during the entire 10 years I didn't trust him to be close to him. I without realizing it wouldn't let myself love completely. After 10 years we were divorce when I ended up leaving him for someone else. With this guy in which is my husband I trusted COMPLETELY and I let myself love without walls. Before I knew it my everything was consumed in him. I put up with way too much from him while we were dating, but I didn't suspect any need for distrust. After we were married my son and stepson told me that they found something on my husband's computer that I need to look at. They had found several pictures of women and porn. I would have never thought that my husband would be doing that. With my past I have very good insight, but I didn't see it. I guess because we weren't living together for the first year and a half of our relationship. I found out about the photos and porn just four months after we were married. He said that he likes looking at women and admitted that he had a problem and that he wanted for us to go to counseling. We went to counseling for a little over a year and he kept lying to me when I would ask if he looked at someone. I for some reason put some trust back into him cause I did not keep my eyes open fully. After fighting with this and counseling he confessed to me one night that he had cheated on me a little over a year ago. The timing made it that he had cheated on me after I found the photos and we were going to counseling. Two weeks after he confessed I was on his computer and found a weird profile name for yahoo. I went to yahoo and looked at it. It made me get more curious about the yahoo account, so I went to yahoo email and found in his sent folder some emails to other women asking when he can come over to their house. When I asked him about it he admitted to it and asked me if I had seen Yahoo Messenger on his computer and I said NO. He told me that the reason why is because about two weeks before he confessed the cheating he had deleted it. He said that he had realized how much he loved me and stopped the chatting. We discovered that he has a Sexual Addiction. He is now in recovery and is in a support group. He seems to be trying REALLY hard, but I still don't close my eyes and I never will whether with him or not. He can earn my trust back, but he will have to do exactly that. EARN IT!!! He knows that if he EVER does ANYTHING that I WILL leave. There will be NO asking for a reason just simply OK well you know what you need to do, the suitcase is in there. From what I have read you need to do what I have needed to do; start working on yourself. I suggest that you do some research on Codependency and learn about the recovery of it. Since you seem to keep a pattern they're may be a reason. One thing that I discovered a long time ago is that people will treat you however you allow them to. You probably need to work on your self-esteem, so that you can become a stronger person. If you learn to become a stronger person mentally then this will be sensed by men. You have to first respect yourself before you can be respected. As for your question on can you trust again. The answer is Yes, but if I were you I would make guys earn it and always keep your eyes open. We are all human so people do make mistakes even the ones that we would think to be the last to do so. I feel that we are placing too much confidence on a person if we completely close our eyes. Should you research him or watch him every second NO, but just stay alert. I suggest that you focus on how he treats you. While my husband I were dating I sensed that he didn't Truly love me, but I thought he loved me enough. A guy who truly loves you will want to spend time with you every second that they can. They need to be totally honest and open, so you may want to keep an eye on whether or not he is expressing his feelings. It needs to be both good feelings and bad feelings. If you sense a wall or barrier you may want to reconsider the relationship if it is all the time. I would look at the characteristics of your previous boyfriends and see what they had in common and then keep an eye out for these in new boyfriends. You may want to pay attention to how he treats other women when you go out in public. Does he seem to look at other women alot, cause if so he may be a risk? I hope that I didn't come off too harsh. I was trying to help by being completely honest. If you have any questions feel free to email me at email removed

Drzown: I am glad that you did what you felt was right for you. I will be happy to talk to you more about the addiction especially since you still have him as a friend. You can email me at email removed Mjayne: I have learned by my experience with my current husband that you do not know who someone is. When we got together I told myself that I was going to trust this guy until proven otherwise. I did and was. He seemed very responsible but still fun to be around. He was I thought a great dad, employee, son, person, etc. Needless did I know that he had even convinced himself that he was a great person. Denial can do alot of things to a person. It turned out that he had been cheating on me during the first three years of our relationship as well as for years on his ex-wife. He was chatting with women that he would find online. He cheated on me physically one time but cheated mulitple times daily mentally. He would fixate and fantisize about other women when he was out even when he was with me and I didn't even know. He would meet me for lunch everyday after talking sex with a stranger online at work and go back to work and do it again. He would come home and be loving wanting to hold my hand and snuggle. I can look back now and see some signs but he was a GOOD actor. I have learned that I shouldn't ever close my eyes and put that much trust in anyone except Jesus.

I can definitely sympathize with your situation. I have been there and I am still dealing with it. If you help him you will put yourself into a codependency situation. Before making that decision you need to consider many things. First, do some research on codependency to see if you really want to put yourself in that position. What your boyfriend more than likely has is a Sexual Addiction and you need to research that as well. He also, has a Porn Addiction. Helping him through this will completely consume you. All of your emotions, brain power, life, and dependence will be focused on him. He will hurt you over and over again even if he does want to change. If you can leave then you should. He lied to you during your entire relationship by deceiving you into thinking that he was different than he really was. This is betrayal, dishonesty, infidelity, cheating, and so so many other things. DO NOT LISTEN to these people that are telling you that this is normal. Do some research on pornography and what it does to a person's perspective on women and you will find that it is very damaging. They learn that women are objects, that they have no feelings, trophies, etc. If he is watching pornography and lusting after other women and maturbating to other women then he is using them as his source of pleasure instead of you. He is thinking of them as he is masturbating instead of being with you in a health sexual manner. You need to be aware that if he has a instant messaging program like AOL, MSN, or Yahoo that he could be chatting with people. People that watch porn learn that their major excitement comes from anonymous sex and cannot have health sex lives with that crap in their lives. Also, go to dating websites like Yahoo, Msn, Match, etc and see if he has a profile listed looking for women this way. Pornography use with escalate and he will begin using stuff that he would not have thought that he would at the beginning. I am telling you right now that I know all of this above because my husband has a sexual addiction. We dated for a year and a half before we were married and I knew nothing of it. He was really great except for that he did seem a little withdrawn and that he didn't really care whether or not he was with me sometimes. This is because he would want to look up the porn when he wasn't with me. He seemed very mature and trustworthy, but was far from it. About four months after we were married I found some pornography as well as photos of women on his computer. He told me that he loved looking at women and promised to change. We went to counseling for over another year. I was still suspicious of him looking during that year and confronted him many many times to be faced with lie after lie. It turned out that my suspicions were right, cause after three years with this man I was talking to him about separating and he made a confession. He confessed to me that right after I found the photos and porn that he was talking with a girl online and got an offer to come to her house. He didn't pass it up and actually cheated on me. After the first time of physically cheating on me he got a disease and gave it to me. I came down with it soon after he cheated, but wondered how I got it. I even asked him if he had cheated, but he would insist that he had not. I still didn't really believe him, so I kept asking. Two weeks later I found emails where he had been chatting with other women online with MSN and Yahoo. He had met these girls through his online profile on these chat services. I then researched more and discovered that he had profiles on lots of dating websites acting like he was single. Sexual and Porn Addiction is all about secrecy and now that the truth is out he is more shameful of his actions. This shame will be the very reason that he will need to act out even more against you. I suggest that you do your research before you decide to stay with this man, because you really need to know what you are up against. It is going to take more than just admitting a problem for him to stop this addiction. He will have to first admit he is powerless over it and that he CANNOT stop this on his own. He will need a support group, a therapist who knows about sexual addiction. If you all are going to a counselor and they have not mentioned sexual or porn addiction you have the wrong counselor. If the counselor seems to spend all the time trying to work on your healing than his problem get another counselor. Don't make the same mistake I did. These addictions are about medicating away feelings of shame and worthlessness and until those feelings are dealt with he will need his addiction to cope, to medicate them away. My husband is in a support group for Sexual Addiction. If your partner can find a 12-Step Support Group for Sexual Addiction that would be best. If not, then an accountability support group will need to be involved. If you stay with him, he will need to be COMPLETELY accountable to you for his feelings, thoughts, temptations, and actions in order to recover from the addiction. If he is not then he is either trying to do it himself or is deceiving you and is choosing to do porn. If he is trying to do it himself, he WILL fail and will be right back in it again but worse if he has gone away from it for awhile. Good Luck and I am so sorry for your hurt. I am going through it as well. It was only 6 months ago that he confessed. If you would like to talk further feel free to email me.

I strongly believe in complete openess and honesty. You should express to him your fear in telling him and if he cares for you he will respect you for caring enough about him to overcome that fear to put yourself on the line. If he feels the same then he will express that to you. If it scares him off then more than likely it was for the better especially after two months of a relationship. Good Luck

I think that the reason that you put up with her is the same reason that I put up with my husband treating me badly for so long. He cheated on me physically one time and mentally mulitiple times daily. He chatted with girls behind my back at work and was trying to find more women to cheat with. It turned out that he had a sexual addiction. He is now in recovery, but it has left many scars. I loved him completely as it seems you have. I was very forgiving as you have been. I discovered that the reason for me allowing him to treat me that way was because I love him deeply, but also because I have codependency that I am having to work on. You may want to do some research on codependency. It is a state of mind where we lose our own identity and we put too much of ourselves into another person. You may also, want to look up love addiction. You need to seriously consider yourself in this. It sounds like you may be a great guy who is looking to love someone, in which is great. You may want to look into working on yourself some. Deal with some problems from your childhood if you have some. Problems from our childhood can make us overly dependent on another person. We feel that it is the only way that we can keep someone, but the truth is that people will do to us whatever we allow them to. Also, it looks like to me she has what it is a form of love addiction, but is more like an avoidance addict. She avoids getting close to anyone. She may feel that this is the only way she can not be hurt. The problem is that she is only setting herself up to be hurt. If she does love you then she has a bad way of showing it. When someone loves you they will only want to make you happy not hurt you. You also, need to consider how compulsive and impulsive in behavior she is. This means that she is at very high risk of cheating if she already hasn't. If she does then she could give you a disease from one of her spur of the moment flings. I have been through alot with my husband and have done a lot of research on codependency, sexual addictions, love addictions, etc.

I understand that you are extremely hurt and feel betrayed. In my opinion if he is calling you and seems really desperate to talk with you then maybe you should face him with courage and deal with the problem. The problem will NOT go away and you may be faced with EXTREME regret if you find out that he was telling you the truth after he has given up on you giving him another chance. Be honest with him about your feelings and ask for him to honest with you in return. Ask him the questions that you so desperately need to ask. As he speaks to you look for any signs of lies. You both must have complete honesty and openess in order to possibly work through this problem. Try to give him the benefit of the doubt, but at the same time look for any clues that look like a lie. Although this may be considered stalking you may even want to do some checking on how he is using his time now that you all are broken up. If he is serious about you then he will not want to risk messing it up. If he messes around with someone else then if I were you I would not give him another chance.

Some of the problem could be your insecurity. You may want to do some research on codependency. On another note. I do not know if you believe in God, but I do and I can tell you this. God gave us instincts beyond what men could ever fathom. God gave us insight that is there if we want it. If I were you I would definitely research your husband's habits as much as possible. For instance, if he has a computer that he uses you may want to search his computer for pictures, instant messaging programs, emails, videos, internet files, or any other suspicious files. You may want to also, keep an eye on him when you go out in public. Does he look at women? Does he seem distracted when he is with you? Do you feel any distance at all? Do you sense any barriers? Did he have a bad childhood? Does he REALLY like spending TIME with you or does he seem smothered when he does? What I mean by time is snuggling. As you can tell I have had experience with this. I have been married for two years and my husband cheated on me about six months after we were married. He was chatting with women and trying to set up sexual encounters. I can tell you more about this if you wish. You can feel free to e-mail me and I will tell you my story in which, is actually recent. It was only six months ago that he confessed as well as give you any advice I can.

I am a woman with a husband that cheated on me for three years of our relationship. Our relationship began with him cheating on his previous wife and me on my previous husband. He pursued me and I gave in. We dated for a year and a half before we married. About four months later I found pictures and porn on his computer. He said that he liked looking at women and would fixate on them. He agreed to at that point to change and we began therapy. We were in therapy for an additional year and a half and things were getting worse. During that period I kept feeling that he was still looking, but of course he would lie about it. Finally after a year and half of additional lies he finally confessed that he had cheated on me after we started in therapy. I discovered two weeks later that he had been chatting with women and talking about meeting up with them to cheat with other women. After he confessed we realized the full problem. Due to his previous marriage he had developed a Sexual Addiction. With a Sexual Addiction a person with go to any extent to continue cheating unless that admit their problem and get help. My husband is not in a support group for Sexual Addiction and we found a much better therapist. If you are asking about a man that you are dating or married to I suggest that you watch him closely when you are out. If you see him looking at others then you are still at risk. He has to learn to only look at you, cause if he lusts over another woman he has already cheated on you in his heart and will do so again physically if he gets the chance. If you wish to contact me I would be happy to talk with you more about addictions.