makeshiftdoll

Things *will* get better, as long as you welcome changes and make it a point to put this person out of your mind, at least until you are over things completely. I was in a whirlwind relationship for awhile, with my best friend's brother (huge mistake from the get-go, but what can I tell you?), whom, I felt, was created by God just for me. He was loving and wonderful, thoughtful, fun, respectful and would tell me such reassuring things like "when we get married", etc. Shortly after, he dumped me because I was "too much" for him, meaning that I represented something in his life that he was not ready to handle yet - basically, a mature, adult relationship. He wanted to continue partying, drinking, etc. He left me for a girl he knew where he went to school, who was very much into that sort of lifestyle - not so much partying in the "clubbing" sense of the word, but more the "hanging out in pubs and moshing at shows" sense. Anyway, I was devastated. I thought I'd never get over it. At some point, my body and my mind just could not take anymore unhappiness, so I had to distract myself. Slowly, I came back to my old self, and before I could realize it, I had stopped thinking about him - and when I would, I wouldn't feel those pangs of longing anymore. Sometimes the situations we deem as "the worst" are often the best. If he and I hadn't split, I would never have been available to meet my current partner, who is, undoubtedly, the most amazing boyfriend. He is responsible, mature, ultra-loving and someone I can trust. I am very blessed. It's easy to say "don't dwell", but we all do it. I've done it heavily in the past, and still do on occasion. Do what you have to do to rid yourself of the pain and frustration, and then embrace whatever wonderful opportunities - relationship-wise or otherwise- life has to offer. Take care!

P.S. Has he given you any reason to mistrust him? Past incidents?

Well, it's never too late to bring something up if you are still feeling concerned about it. In the past, when something like that has happened to me (not so much a similar situation as just a situation where I was feeling suspicious), I would say something like "Gosh, I'm sorry to be harping on this, but I just can't shake that weird feeling from what happened the other day." and then say simply *why*. As long as you approach it with the proper attitude (read: not a raving lunatic), you should be able to discuss this openly and calmly - and hopefully, this will all be cleared up and you can be relieved and enjoy the rest of your relationship - and he will remember to be more considerate about 2 AM phone calls!

Hi Laura, First and foremost, you are not in the wrong here. However, if you continue to spend your precious time dwelling on "what might have been" with this man who is *married*, then you are going to set yourself up for more hurt and more disappointment. He is still with this woman, and although his actions indicate that he is not entirely fulfilled in that marriage, there is no excuse for cheating... if he did, in fact, pursue a relationship with you, what makes you think he wouldn't do the same to you? You deserve much better, and once you make that difficult first step to move on, you will come to realize that and eventually understand why he is no good for you. As for a friendship - what kind of friendship would you be able to have with him? Don't you agree that you would still harbor those romantic feelings for him, and that you would be hoping that 'friendship' might escalate? At this point, if you ARE destined to be friends with this guy, the only way that will happen is if you get over him completely. When my last serious boyfriend broke up with me, I was so desperate to maintain ANY type of relationship with him. I fooled myself into believing I could handle a friendship - when, in fact, all I wanted was him to myself. It killed me, because I stood by while he began dating another girl knowing full well that he could have me back whenever he wanted. Eventually, I had no choice but to let go completely - and I was convinced that someday we would be together because it was IMPOSSIBLE that anyone could ever make me that happy, it was him and only him, we had that "connection" - and truthfully, I couldn't care less about him now. I have a wonderful relationship now with a man I NEVER worry about, who is completely devoted and loving... and you deserve the same and WILL find the same. It's time to stop worrying about this guy and put the memories away. You're going to set yourself up for more emotional damage, and I think you know that you deserve someone who is for you and you only. Best of luck.

Hi MJ, Why don't you ask him how his sister is doing regarding the "guy problem"? Express some mild concern and see how he reacts. The 2 AM call situation can lean both ways, but ultimately, I wouldn't be *too* concerned if he held the conversation in the vicinity of you, let alone in the same room! Furthermore, in the case that he was advising a female friend of his, it is possible that he didn't want you to grow too concerned about a close friendship with a female friend that is, in fact, completely innocent... but if that is the case, his "covering up" will only make you more suspicious and he should be totally honest with you. I say, if this is going to consume you, then I would either bring it up casually again (inquiring about his sister) or tell him why the whole occurrence bugged you so much, and that you only worry because you care about your relationship's future. If he's a normal guy, he'll understand why the situation seemed a little odd, no matter how fantastic of a relationship you two have. Best of luck to you.

Hello dear, I've just finished reading this thread, and I completely understand what you're going through right now. You will get to a point where you won't even wonder if he's going to call or contact - but in order for you to get there, you have to distract yourself from him. Much easier said than done, but that's really the only option you have to be genuinely happy. I was at a point that whenever I'd see the little envelope thing on my phone appear saying "The Idiot has sent you a message" (well, not "The Idiot" exactly, but that's what he is) it was like someone injected happy juice into my veins. My heart would race, I would stare at the text like God had just sent me the next commandment. Nevermind it when he called! He had a special ringtone, and whenever it would come on, it was like freak-out central! A celebrity was calling me! So ridiculous. If he wants to talk to you further, he will contact you. This doesn't mean that if he doesn't contact you that he doesn't care, he might feel awkard and unsure how to handle it. Regardless of the reasons, they are not for you to worry about. This time you now have without him, take advantage of it. Improve something in your life. Start doing something that will remind you of *you* and not of him. My ex and I have been broken up since the beginning of September. We dated for the summer, he is my friend's brother. He is dating someone else now, someone he doesn't have to meet expectations with. He couldn't handle a mature relationship with me, and now that I think of it... I guess it was a blessing. Perhaps one day, if he grows up, things might work out. For now, I'm worried about me. We still talk, but it's very awkward. There are feelings there, but that means jack if he won't act on them. So, I'm doing my own thing. Some days I get sad... some days I can't listen to songs because they remind me of him... so what I do (it helps me a lot) if that happens is I write him an email and send it to myself. It feels good to write it because it's almost as if you are going to send it to them - there's some relief in that... but after it's written, you'll find yourself debating on sending it... and then you won't. It just seems to work that way. Anyway, that helps me tremendously. You will be JUST FINE. You are obviously a passionate girl that any guy would be lucky to have love him. Hopefully, he will realize this and you two will come to reconcile in the future - but regardless of when or if that happens, get back to yourself first. It'll be slow and tough, but it's inevitable.

I actually bought my ex a gift, a copy of my favorite book. He mentioned (while we were dating) that he wanted to read it. The reason I bought him anything at all was because I was spending Christmas with his family and I had gifts for everyone... would have felt a little bad, you know? Oddly enough, he bought me a copy of *his* favorite book for Christmas. Talk about weird. I'm sure someone mentioned to him that I was getting him something, but hey, it was still nice. Though my ex was a complete jerk for what he did to me, I still care about him a lot... we've maintained some sort of 'ship throughout all of this... and with feelings on both ends. He just needs to grow up.

Hello friends, I hope that all who celebrate had a very joyous holiday. I, myself, had a very unusual holiday starring myself and the ex-boyfriend. link removed I felt somewhat obligated to buy something for him, partly (if not mostly) because I had a gift for everyone at his house, and felt it would seem a bit spiteful if I didn't get him a little something. So, I opted for something very non-relationshipy, a copy of my favorite book (which he expressed an interest in reading). Oddly enough, his gift to *me* was a book he had wanted me to read while we were dating. Funny stuff. So many people said to me "you'll know at least some of how he feels when you see him", and I can't tell you how true that is. There's something to be said about someone who comes at you with a "Hey! Great to see you, Merry Christmas!" and someone who comes at you with nervousness in their eye, a boyish smirk and a soft whisper of a greeting when they hug you hello. At the end of the night, we just parted ways. I left to go home, and felt so empty that we hadn't really had a chance to talk by ourselves - not necessarily about 'us', but just a chance to talk face to face. We went to have coffee together, pretty much just driving to the place and back, awkward conversation the whole time. We parked at his house for a bit, just kinda sat there. He kept saying how weird this was and how nervous he was, and how he knew he would be nervous but had no idea he would be "this" nervous. I just kept laughing lightly at it, teasing him about it, telling him to cut it out, etc. He would make eye contact with me for a few seconds, then when I caught him, he'd smirk and look away. It was weird. We had moments. Something was there, for sure, but I didn't press it. I think seeing me definitely did something to him. We exchanged hugs and said goodbye, he said it felt like our faces were "going to explode", whatever that means. Then he kinda lost the rest of the sentence and looked at me, then we hugged and said goodbye. My take? I don't even care at this point. I'm so tired of reading into things. This is essentially a child I am dealing with. I'm sad because we're not together, but I'm more disappointed that he's not grown up enough yet to make the decision he wants to. I'm sad that he'd rather party it up than settle down with someone he said he wanted to with. I've cried and dwelled so much over this, and you know what? I can't do it anymore. In a sense, *some* question was answered, and I know he still cares about me, but that will essentially mean nothing unless he does something about it. The whole "friends" thing. You know, I would like to be friends with him, but neither of us will ever bring up the "other person" in our lives. If he wanted to talk about it, then hey, I'd accept it, but he won't. I know for a fact he does not want to hear about mine. How can you be friends with someone if you have to watch what you talk about with them? I cut him off cold turkey, but didn't let him know. He said he's going to call me, he probably will, but I've gotta just let him go. I'm so tired of reading into things. It gets you nowhere. All it does is give them more time to "think about things", and (in most cases) they don't deserve that. They should start thinking about the mistakes they made and grow up and try to rectify them. So, my advice to everyone who is suffering: put these people out of your mind. Please. It's so much easier said than done, but you'll find yourself physically ill if you continue to invest your time and energy in thinking about them and calculating their next move. The new year is right around the corner, folks. Do yourselves a favor and start fresh.

Hello friends, I've posted several times before, but in the next week I suppose I will have more concrete answers to a lot of questions I've been having. My ex and I have been broken up for about 3 months now. He's been dating a girl for convenience reasons (whatever), and essentially we broke up because he couldn't handle me... felt threatened by my career, all that stuff. I was wonderful to him, though. Anyway, we've been in contact the last couple of months, and he comes home from school today. The first email we exchanged, he said we should go have dinner "like old times". I responded with "Well, I'll be up to see your sister and the family for Christmas, so we'll see each other." Then, he sends me something in the mail about when he's going to be home (the exact dates). The next time I spoke to him I didn't mention anything about it. Yesterday, while at a luncheon, I got a voicemail from him apologizing for not getting back to me sooner, but that he just finished his last exam, etc. Again, he went on about the whole "hanging out" thing. He said "We should definitely hang out" and then "If we could work something out, that'd be great." I obviously want to hang out with him, but I don't want it to seem like I'm hanging onto his being home like a desperate puppy. Also, his gal pal was supposed to come pick him up and bring him back up to school, instead he convinced his sister (my friend) to drive him back up. I have not mentioned a single thing other than the "I'll be up on Christmas" thing to him in regards to us making plans. I mean, it's pretty obvious he wants to see me... but why? I guess the answer is pretty much in front of me, he wants to see what might happen... I want to make sure I take the best approach and be a mystery to him. Considering we've been broken up such a short amount of time, do you think it's possible he still has those feelings for me and wants to see me for "other" reasons?

My former boyfriend and I broke up at the end of the summer. He goes to school in Massachusetts, I live a few hours away. He started dating another girl shortly after we broke up, a girl that he's been friends with for years. His reasons for the breakup were: I can't handle you - You're too good for me - I have to grow up. Very true reasons, in all honesty. We've been in contact these past few months. He never brings up the other girl, not even to his family. I'm not threatened by her in the least, but you know, it bugs me. He gave me his phone number, asked me to call. I told him to call me, and he did. We've spoken on the phone several times, we play a lot of phone tag, he texts me, and has expressed an interest in seeing me while he's home (for a mere week) on his Christmas break. He's also not bringing her down for Christmas. His sister is my friend and she told me that originally she (the girl) was going to pick him up from his house and drive him back up, but he asked her (his sister) if she would please drive him back up to school... I dunno, just a little thing to throw in there. He's been ridiculously weird lately. He's constantly on my website (he doesn't know I know that), looking at pictures, etc. Also, he contacted me on a screen name I had used a couple of years ago (before I met him) the other day, and it threw me for a loop. I'm looking forward to seeing him, but I'm nervous. I'm sure he's a bit nervous, too, but to what extent - I have no idea. While I don't have any crazy expectations, a huge part of me really wants something about "us" to come up when we see each other. I dunno if I should initiate any talk or what... I would assume not to, but I feel like I deserve a little more clarity on what happened, and some truth about how he feels about me and about how I feel about him. Any advice? I'm nervous!

Tiny updates!

That's one gift he's *not* getting this year Thanks for the concern, I will keep you guys posted!

Indeed it does! It's just frustrating. You just wish someone would say something! Though, I think the person who caused the mess should be the one to clean up. That's why I haven't pressed anything yet

Thanks for that I agree. I guess "the meeting" will really say more than any of this will!

This is a bit of an update since my last post (below). I decided I still wouldn't call him. I had already initiated contact by sending him that email, and I thought it should be up to him to do his part. Well, sure enough, he's called. Several times. Each time, though, our cell phones go a little bananas and we wind up losing each other. I guess neither of us have the nerve to call back, but he usually winds up texting me something afterwards. The conversations (if you can call them that) have been EXTREMELY weird. He sounds nervous and dumb at the same time, going "um" a lot, etc. I've mentioned this before - he's on my webpage at least 4 times a day checking up, etc. I came back from the press junket / premiere of that film Closer the other night (I work in film) and *only* on my journal did I write it was a press junket. So, I told him I just saw the movie and he says "Oh, was it like a press junket or something?" Because, you know, that's the first thing you'd ask someone after they tell you they went to the movies Alright I'm getting way too into detail here, but he did send me "art" yesterday. It's some strange comic-like flyer thing saying when he's going to be home for Christmas and "plan accordingly!" Yea, I know he was kinda kidding, but what on Earth. I sent him a Christmas card yesterday. I just wanted to update you all on the situation a bit... I'm not sure where any of this is going with him - I'm not expecting anything substantial, but I dunno... Alright, so last night I caved in and I called him. I got his answering machine. I basically said "Hey, it's me, just calling to see what's up. You can call me back if you'd like. If not, I'll talk to you eventually." Argh, part of me just wants to talk to him and have a normal conversation without him or I being jittery idiots. I'm guessing he's nervous... but for crying out loud, it's only me. I guess my question is... does it look (on my part) like I'm throwing myself at him? That's the last thing I want to do... Sorry for rambling! ------------------------------------------------------------------------> My ex-boyfriend and I have had awkward-though-consistent contact the last month or so. He expressed a desire to see me when he comes home from Christmas break, he also reminded me of his new cell phone number and asked me to call him. In response to that, I told him "my number hasn't changed, give me a call." He texted me a very flirtatious birthday message on my birthday, and I replied with a light aura of flirtation. So, then I just kinda waited. Would he make the next move? I have no idea. The other night my cell phone rings, and it's him. I couldn't answer it, my phone is idiotic. I didn't call back. About an hour later, he text messages me asking me "What's your home address again?" He's on my website about 6 times a day. He goes back to old entries to look at pictures. I'm at the point now where I just want to know what he's thinking (don't we all?) I've accepted that we're broken up - but I still have feelings for him. Is it too grand of an idea to think that he might be trying to ease his way back in?