MissCanuck

It sounds like this is all coming from a place of feeling very insecure in this relationship. She's now more experienced than you, and you know that she's sexually attracted (and attractive) to other men. My sense is that you don't feel good enough for her, and that likely in part stems from a very unstable history with her. Do you tend to fixate on other things in your life?

No, I think this relationship is well and truly over. And no, I don't think you need to speak to him in person about this. The next time he messages or calls you, tell him that you no longer want to communicate because it's clear you two do not have the goal here and it's preventing you from accepting the break-up and moving on.

OP, you broke up a while ago. It would have already happened if it were going to. All you're doing him right now is keeping him warm until he finds someone else. Also, if he broke up because he wants to be single, you need to realize he's probably had sex with other girls by now too. It's time to face reality and let him go before you get your heart crushed.

You need to stop haning out with him, because it will hurt you way too much when he fades because he's started dating someone else.

I'll leave you with this: Since you evidently have never met him, don't uproot your whole life for him. And certainly not your children's lives either. You will get hurt and it's not worth it.

So you have never met this man, in other words?

Physically, in person. No, it was a simple question to clarify the situation. Why are you so defenisve?

That's because she doesn't have the heart to be very honest and say that he is an abusive drunk. Full stop. The problem is that you are so enmeshed you don't seem to see how bad this really is. It's bad. Can you get yourself into counseling? I think you need to start there, to understand your own codependent behaviour, and why you have allowed this to continue. You will then feel more empowered to make a choice about the future of this marriage.

Just to clarify: How much time have you spent together in person with your partner? Your children are re-locating with you, it seems?

Well, you need to be patient here. From what you describe, the break-up was very recent. It's going to take much more time to get over her. You can't expect it to happen within a few days. Unfortuantely, this is part of dating. Sometimes we grow apart, and it doesn't work out. It's hard. It will hurt. We have to lean into the experience and trust that the pain will diminish over time. And we have to trust that we learn to live with a new "normal" without the ex. It will feel frightening and unfamiliar and sad, but over time, we usually start to see that it's not as horrible as we imagined. We have time to reflect and see why the relationship maybe wasn't right for us, either.

It would be best for you to block him from all points of contact now. You had a chat but that's where it ends. Good for you for making an appointment with a professional who can help untangle your emotions about him. I would also strongly recommend journalling to get your thoughts out. It's a form of venting without having to reveal anything private to another person. Some questions I would ask myself in the same position, possibly to reflect on in said journal: What did I hope to gain from contacting this person? How's my self-esteem in general? Why do I measure it by his response to me? What are the things I say to myself about the end of this relationship? Why do I believe the negatives to be true?

Congratulations on completing your degree, Iris. I am sorry your parents have not recognized your achievement, that must really sting. But now that you have graduated, are you working? My plan in your shoes would be to find a job and move out of their house, as soon as possible.

Inappropriately communicating directy with other people is not at all the same as watching porn. That excuse wouldn't wash with me, and I doubt your girlfriend buys that either. You really need to think about why you did this. It wasn't a mistake. It was a series of conscious series of decisions, and you made those decisions more than once. What were you thinking, man? And don't say "I don't know." You know, so you need to dig deep: are you bored with your relationship? Were you just hoping she wouldn't find out? Have you done something like this before?

This woman either was not taking her pill, or not taking it as prescribed and skippping or forgetting days. You generally don't wind up pregnant twice when you are taking it as you should. Either way, she has lied a lot. She doesn't make great life choices, and it sounds like she was indeed having trouble letting go of the man she was supposed to marry last year. There's no trust here and I doubt this relationship is going to work out. You need to speak to a family lawyer to make sure you are 100% clear on your rights and obligations as this baby's father, and start devising a plan to co-parent with her.

No wonder you feel lost, OP. It sounds like you two have settled into this because you're familiar to each other but aren't necessarily in love with each other anymore. How long have you been engaged?

It's becoming more common, actually. I know several of my friends have done the same. I hid mine a few years back when a guy I was dating started going through my Friends list and asking about the guys on there he deemed attractive (ie. whether or not I had dated them) Got rid of that guy quick, but hid my Friends list in the process. People deserve their privacy, as do I. I doubt it has anything to do with you.

My strong impression is that this "friendship" with her is the symptom of much bigger problems in your relationship. The fact that he is actively excluding you is ridiculous, and there is no way I would accept that. But it says a lot about the overall dynamic between you, and I would imagine that's how it goes: he does what he wants without a lot of consideration for your feelings, and makes you feel bad when you express your concerns. And you go along with it because you think nobody else would want you and you can't afford the house by yourself. Is that fairly accurate?

I think you are reading too much into it. I have my Friends list blocked on FB as well. All of my contacts can only see which mutual friends we share, and that's it. It's unlikely that's it's only you who cannot see her Friends list anymore, and unlikely that it was because of you that she hid it. I wouldn't stress it.

Quoting myself here as you might have missed it before, @MB89...

Yes, I agree. Unfortunately, you have done everything you can really do here. She knows how you feel but she just doesn't feel the same way. When someone has lost interest in trying, we have to do the hard work of respecting their choice and letting go. Is there anywhere you can stay for a bit to get some breathing space? I don't think being at home together is wise. It will only hurt to see her all the time. Sooner or later, you two are going to have to separate homes and it would be best to spend as little time together as possible in the meantime.

I find that a bit strange, too. You were living together, OP. How did you not notice that she was quite depressed?

Any chance she has met someone else?

I think this one is done, OP. It sounds like she's trying to let you down easily because in her mind, it will hurt more to say "I'm not in love with you anymore." You have tried to get her to see your side but she just doesn't feel the same way. Whatever you feel the cause of this might be, she has been clear that it's not what she wants any longer. You can't make someone have feelings they just don't have, unfortunately. It hurts a lot but sometimes we have to accept the other person's decision. Is there somewhere else you could stay temporarily, just to give yourself some space from her? With a friend or family member? As far as possible, you two need to spend as little time under the same roof as possible. Also, if you have turned to drugs and have suffered suicidal thoughts, panic attacks and anxiety - please seek help. This is a very troubling reaction to the pain your're feeling and a compassionate professional can help you cope with these feelings.

This is the most important take-away. Don't wait patiently for a disgusting stranger to finish accosting you. Just walk away, and alert security if need be.

You don't already know? It's a very simple question with a very simple response, OP. There is no reason to "hope" to know that "soon." Ask her now: Are you going to cut off this man? If she puts up a fight about it, then you know her suggesiton of couples therapy was merely to distract you enough so she can continue her emotional affair with him.