MissCanuck

I'm sorry Mas, but if you haven't met her in person, this isn't a relationship. As such, she is free to talk to whomever she wants. You two just aren't being realistic about this and your expectations are not aligned with the reality of the sitution. You have never been on a date, much less developed a real relationship with each other. You have a cyber friend here, not a girlfriend. Don't put yourself on hold for a stranger who lives so far away. She isn't doing the same for you, anyway.

This is my first question too

If you decide to stay, OP, you two still have a big problem that is not specifically related to this man: There is a huge disconnect in your marriage here. That isn't going to be corrected just by making sure this man is gone. You two have much bigger problems to address, problems that speak to her overall lack of commitment and interest in you. Somewhere along the way, she started detaching from and drifting away from the marriage. I do hope you don't try to rugsweep that, and assume that this will be resolved if she decides to cut him off. If you do, this will almost surely happen again, with some other man.

OP, the problem is not only regaining trust and getting her to cut this guy off. That's only part of the issue. The other, bigger and less easily-solved? She is not that into you anymore. There is no way she'd be looking to cheat on you (which is what she tried when they made plans to meet up, let's be honest) if her heart and mind were with you the way they need to be in a marriage. She's too detached from you and from this marriage for this to work out, in my opinion. Maybe she was not ready to get married when you did. Who knows. The point is that she won't remain faithful to you if she's, A) as selfish as she is, and seeks attention outside the marriage, and B) has lost interest in you. You're dealing with both column A and column B here. This specific guy taking a hike is not going to make this all better.

She has admitted having sexual conversations with him. She has admitted this is an emotional affair. She made plans to meet him in person. And now she doesn't want him out of her life. OP, I know it hurts, but your marriage is already over. She is really checked out and no longer has even basic respect for you.

But she doesn't. Not really. She is hardly even trying. What does that tell you about her true commitment to you anymore?

What do you want to do, in your heart of hearts?

He's already largely done with the relationship. Take the job, and start afresh.

Oh, not at all surprised about their existence. They're just not as prolific as assumed.

Ah, got it! Safe to say we inhabit different parts of the continent, none of these Boobs & Beer places where I am! Now the better question - where are our Schlongs & Shots joints? Or Dongs & Daiquiris? Meatsicles & Margaritas? That's what I want to know.

Ah, maybe that's it. I am not in the UK nor the USA. If you mean continental Europe, I can vouch for the fact that the city where I live (and it's a major contiental European city) definitely does not have such places, either. The locals would turn over in their graves at the audacity! Probably more common in other Euro countries, but certainly not this one. In any case, OP, I think you need to just consider her as doing her job. Their marketing is clever and "comping" a meal for someone who might become a regular is a fairly common strategy. Keeps the customer coming back. It's working.

I don't know where "here" is, but certainly not common where I come from. Hooters is literally the only one. And where I live now, there is no such thing at all. Hence me asking what the term means! Never heard it before.

Thanks, @Wiseman2. These do not exist in the part of the world where I live. Been away from the homeland too long, apparently!

The eff is a "breastaurant"?

It sounds to me like there was more going wrong in your relationship than being worried about him in the company of other women at work. Perhaps your instincts were bang-on that something wasn't right. I'm sorry it happened, but it appears you're at peace with your decision. Good luck to you, MOcha.

This stands out to me. What is going on here? Do you two have time to spend together, just the two of you? And I don't mean just hanging out at home, but participating in activities you enjoy together. How long has the communication been fading? My ex was a chef / restaurant-owner, so I do get that opposite schedules for people in hospitality can be very challenging for a couple. A lot of late nights, a lot of alcohol around, a lot of partying in general. It's a difficult mix.

They can usually offer more targeted coping strategies, once they get to know you. They can tailor ideas and mechanisms specifically for you, in a way that a stranger (this forum) or untrained and unobjective observers (your friends and family) cannot. It might be worth a try, if you find that this is interfering in your day-to-day life to this degree. Also keep in mind that you are pretty fresh into No Contact are only now really genuinely learning to live without her. You are learning not to hope to hear from her, not to communicate with her at all. That will take time. The clock for that started when you blocked her everywhere, so it's very recent. I am sorry you're struggling so much. It's really hard when you just can't seem to focus on anything else and continue to feel so down. But keep talking, and keep the faith that this process will eventually move you forward.

And where do you suppose this lack of self-confidence stems from?

Where's your self-esteem, OP? You seem terrified of making any slight misstep. Have you been dumped out of the blue before or something?

It's probably a fear of rejection kicking in.

It sounds like you don't have a lot else going on in your life, OP. Can you call up some friends or family and make plans for this weekend? You don't need to be sitting around and doing nothing. Start filling up your life with your own actitvities and you will have better balance overall, and naturally not be so anxious when your crush is unavailable.

It's tough. I've been where you are, after the break-up of a long-term, live-in relaitonship. I remained the house we shared while he went to stay with friends, and later the woman who I discovered he'd been secretly seeing the last couple months of our relationship. His things were all still in our place, except for some clothes he'd taken with him. He came back occasionally when I wasn't there to pick up more things, but I finally got sick of looking at all his stuff, every day. So I bagged it all up rather indiscriminately and tossed it in the basement. Told him where he could find it. Both our names were on the lease so I couldn't exactly kick him out altogether but not looking at all his belongings all the time was refreshing. Once you're through that part, you will make a big step in your healing. It's not easy but it won't be hanging over your head anymore.

You are keeping yourself stuck every time you respond. It's has nothing to do with maturity. Maturity would be recognizing that this person wiped her feet on you and deserves no place in your life. Maturity would be recognizing that she brings you pain, and continued contact of any kind is not working for you. It's flawed thinking to tell oursleves it's "mature" to respond to an ex. It is not. You're not quite ready to let her go, so you keep answering. This is normal when we are heartbroken. But at some point, we have to be our own best friends instead of our own worst enemies, and realize we are prolonging our own misery by not shutting down contact of all types: social media, random chit chat, whatever. You are not in a place where any of that is working. It doesn't matter if you're not talking about the relaitonship. The very fact that you're talking to her is preventing you from really moving on. Maybe someday, when you have both moved on a long time from now, you could be friendly. Now is not that time.

You need to see if you are still interested after you meet her too, OP. Strike up a friendly conversation when you meet her. Don't go telling her you like her. That's too much. See how you get along in person and try to assess whether there might be more there to work with.

Do you really need to repeat what she likely already knows? I am sure she understands that if she is cheated on you, you would dump her. That's generally a given in most relatiosnhips. Why is this coming up now, after 5 years together? Have you had a recent argument about this or something?