ShySoul

You know the saying "time flies when you're having fun?" The reverse is also true. Time drags when you are miserable. Every moment feels like an eternity. Each day passes into the next and you feel stuck in place, never really getting anywhere. You have several good days, feel like you've made progress. Then the bad day hits and you feel you are back at square one. It's a difficult cycle to break out of. But it can and does get better if you let some light into your life, even if it's just a little each day. You focus on you and what you love. You find the things that make you truly happy, so happy that it puts all the hurt and lonliness to the side and gives you moments and experiences that you'll remember and cherish. Little by little you can replace the hurt with joy, the lonliness with self fulfillment, and the darkness with light. Rather then dreading yet another day, you start to look forward to things because you remember how much fun they are and anticpate doing them again. If I could offer any advice, it would be to recognize that people are individuals and thus responsible for their own actions. If someone is abusive or disrespectable, that is because of them. You did not cause it, nor are you responsible for getting them to change. It's okay that you care about the person and want things to change. It's okay if you talk to them and tell them they should change. But you can't make them change if they aren't ready to or be someone they aren't. The only person you are ultimately responsible for is you. It's great to be caring and loving to others. But you have to first be loving and caring to yourself. If you aren't then you won't be happy, regardless of having a relationship or not. Rather then worry about coming across as needy, focus on fulfilling your own needs for yourself. If I cooked a meal I could give some to my family, friends, neighbors. But what good would that do if I let myself starve in the process? I would end up sick and in the hospital. Likewise, you have to take care of your emotional needs first. You have to show yourself the love and respect you want. Don't worry about dating if you aren't ready. Dating and finding a partner consumes far too much of people's energy. Right now should be all about you. Learn to be happy on your own, being free to explore all parts of you and things you are into. Try simply dating yourself, doing whatever interests you. The conversations will probably be far more interesting anyway. 😉

He seems like a nice and sincere person. I hope you have fun going. Personally, I don't think it's always good to push outside your comfort zone. If doing so is going to make you more nervous and unsure of yourself, it might not be a good thing. The couple of times I've been forced into social events with co-workers (both ones I know and don't know), didn't go well and made me want to rush out as soon as I could. It's called a comfort zone for a reason. When you are feeling comfortable you naturally feel more confident and can be the best you. In the future, if you want to get to know one person, maybe take more time to get to know them, one on one? That way you can really talk to them instead of having the conversation split between a whole bunch of people. Do what feels right for you, what you want to do. You know what you can handle and what you can't. So trust yourself. Regardless, good luck.

"A person isn't who they are during the last conversation you had with them - they're who they've been throughout your whole relationship." Rainer Maria Rilke He could have meant everything he said in the moment. In my experience, people have a tendency to say what they feel in the moment. But that moment is just that, a moment. What really matters is the pattern of their behavior. A person's real self will show in the long term. If he ended up hurting you like this, then that is the real him and that's not someone worthy of you. Sounds similar to someone I knew. Said such sweet things. Made me believe my dreams were coming true. Then abruptly ended things. Got engaged to someone she had only known for a month. Got married a month later. Made me feel used, like a placeholder to help her feel better until she found someone else. I was hurting everyday. Sometimes I wanted to call her, even after everything she did. It took closer to three months before I felt okay about what happened, so it's fine to be hurting after three weeks. And interestingly, she would tell me that the marriage was a mistake, that they were having problems. It might not feel this way right now, but you are the lucky one here. The wonderful life he seems to be having might not be as wonderful as it seems. And you are free of being with someone who couldn't give you the love and attention you deserve. There is someone better, someone who will honestly love you. Healing takes time and it won't be all at once. You distract yourself, you fill the time with things that are meaningful to you and bring you happiness. You find ways to show love to yourself. You learn to close the blinds and not look at his place. 😉 In time, it doesn't hurt as much, promise. Then one day you realize you haven't thought about them in ages and when you do it doesn't come with the same sense of sorrow. Moving on is difficult, so don't feel bad about it. It takes as longs as it needs to take. Until then, focus on you. If your relationships have all been this way, maybe you need a break from relationships? Put it out of your mind and remember you don't need a relationship to be happy. You are the greatest partner you can have, so just be happy being you and doing what you love. Let the relationship find you one day, when the time is right. For now, find the joy in all the other aspects of life.

Anyone who thinks that way isn't someone you would want to be in a relationship with in the first place. The good ones will be thinking "Wow, why hasn't he been snatched up sooner? Those other girls don't know what they are missing." Besides, once you get to the point virginity is even a topic of discussion, you're probably going to be close enough and care for each other to the point where it won't matter. She'll like you for you. Also from experience, I second that. That actually sounds like fun to me, a pro-virgin and proud of it movement. Seems like there are a few shirts already out there: https://www.amazon.com/Virginity-Jokes-Funny-Virgin-T-Shirt/dp/B0CH46621B?customId=B0752XJYNL&customizationToken=MC_Assembly_1%23B0752XJYNL&th=1

Hurt people, hurt people. They take there own problems out on others, whoever happens to be there. Its not your fault and you shouldn't blame yourself. They are the one stuck in this cycle of behavior that will ultimately leave them lonely and sad. Don't let them drag you down as well. And remember, just because he looks happy and care free on the outside, doesn't mean that's how he feels on the inside. Alot of times people put on a mask to hide what they are really feeling. I'd wager there is some deep insecurity lurking under that cheerful facade. Always trust your intuition. I'm a firm believer that when we feel something, there is a reason. Give people a chance, look at the situation logically. But if something seems wrong, it probably is. Still, don't berate yourself over this. That will only make you feel worse. Look on the bright side, you don't have to speak to him anymore. You don't have to let him live inside your head. You can choose to do any number of things now that will put a smile on your face. Pursue your life to the fullest. Things get better, so don't let one bad apple spoil it for you.

The whole notion of needing experience is overrated. Some people have lots of experience in getting dates, yet aren't very good at keeping the relationship alive. Others are more selective and get few dates, yet are naturally more skilled in making it work and leading to more. Personally, I'd rather be the latter. And yes, it is okay to be sad about being single. We've all been there and wished we had someone. I've cried my fair share of tears. But you can't let it dominate your thoughts and dictate your actions. Relationships are a part of life, not the only thing that can give your life meaning.

Someone who ghosts you and makes you feel so used and discarded doesn't deserve you or the tears you are crying. The issue is with him, so don't feel bad about yourself. You are beautiful, inside and out. His actions however, show he is the unattractive one. You deserve someone better, someone who can fully appreciate you for you. Romance is probably the one area I don't feel used, only because I'm usually ignored. I also wish there was a spell or some easy solution as to how to change things around. But Dancer Candy is right, time is the only solution. That and focusing your attention on something more positive. Find the thing you love, that brings you joy. See all the good qualities you have and your strengths and skills. And have hope. One day love will come your way, with someone who won't hurt you and only strive to uplift you. Keep the faith.

If you need closure in order to move on, then do what you must to seek closure. Don't make it a confrontation. It doesn't have to be a big thing. Just be polite and honest. Tell her you've enjoyed talking with her and she means a lot to you, but that you feel its for the best to part ways. I always believe its best to leave the door open as you never know what can happen in the future, but that you should do what you feel is best to take care of yourself in the present. I once went through a painful experience with a girl. We didn't speak for three months. Not speaking made it worse because I didn't have that closure. There was always the thought of could I have said or done something else. There was the need to get out what I was feeling. And there was the wonder of what she was thinking. It wasn't until we spoke and I got those answer that I realized I had moved on. Getting closure allowed me to close that chapter and opened me up to experience something new. So seek that closure.

I was 22 before I met a woman where there was mutual interest. In high school I wasn't even attracted to any female I knew and to my knowledge none showed any signs of being into me. My best friend in high school didn't find a relationship until after college. And I've spoken with plenty of people, male and female, who didn't have dating or relationship experience into their 20s or later. Nothing was wrong with me or any of these people and nothing is wrong with you. Everything happens when it is supposed to. You have plenty of time and something will come along when you least expect it. Until then, focus on your studies and enjoyable your life. While we want to feel that rush of love, there are plenty of other things in life to keep us happy and give us meaning. I used to have the same concerns about being inexperienced, that it would be a turn off for women. Then I encountered multiple females who told me that it didn't matter to them. What they cared about was the connection the two of them had and that he treated them nice and with respect. Some even said they liked the idea of being the more experienced one, of being able to show and teach him things. And one even felt sad that she would have more experience, as she wished they could experience everything new together. So don't worry about it. Everyone comes into things with various experience levels. What counts is that when you do meet the right one, you embrace it and that the two of you enjoy what you have.

I just loaned money to my mother. I've also loaned money to my father and to one of my brothers. That's what family is for, to help you when you need it. No one really likes to ask for help, but if you need it, then family will be there, no questions asked. They'll want you to ask and will wonder why you didn't say something sooner. And how can anyone resist helping a sweet cat who is suffering? Hope your cat gets well.

His identity and sense of self worth seems to be tied to his job and how much money he makes. Without it, he's lost. Is there something in his past that could help explain why it's so important to him? Yes, it's possible for people to return to normal, whatever normal is. But it takes time and work, as you are already familiar with. He has to be the one to put in that work. It doesn't go away with time, its something you fight every day. Until he is ready to have that fight, it won't improve. You can care about him, love him, even try to convince him to take action. You can share your own struggles and what you've learned. But he's the only one that can change himself. It's up to you to decide what you are okay with, how much you can endure. It's fine to still care, to want to hold on and believe it can still work. But at a certain point you can't let his depression become your depression. You have to protect your own health. If he can't be the strong one and address his issues or let you go, then you have to be that strong one. As painful as it is, if you don't feel the same for him as you used to, then it's better for both of you not to prolong it. You can still care about him and be supportive, just not necessarily as a relationship. I like the way you phrase that. Money, jobs, titles or status - those things are temporary. They are nice and help you get by day to day, but they aren't what really fulfills you. It's the love and support from those that care that matters most. I really hope he can see that.

To clarify, I meant why would it matter now. I agree in the importance of education and in using birth control/protection. I would never make light of such a serious topic. In this case specifically, they should have used protection. Rita even admitted it. However they didn't and she got pregnant. No amount of admonishment or debate on the topic can change that. So in my mind the real concern is what to do going forward. As long as they are both willing to work together to try and do right by the child, everything else is to be a side topic. The child is first and foremost. Anyway, if you read this Rita, hope things are alright for you and the child to be.

Yes, she was being immature. She could be laughing for any number of reasons, all having to do with her and nothing with you. Her opinion doesn't matter and you shouldn't let it affect you or get you down. Crying or being emotionally sensitive is fine. I welled up recently myself over a TV show. I cry all the time listening to songs. If anything, that just says it was a good movie if it could affect you so deeply. It's a good thing to be able to feel things to that depth, it helps you to appreciate things more and experience the feel range of human emotions. As someone who has been made fun of for being single, I understand how it can hurt. You might already be sensitive about the topic, so don't need the reminder. It's also on her brain, so you are more receptive to taking things as slights against you. If you are more sensitive, then it hurts even more. I had to struggle with that myself for a long time, but what I learned was that what others think doesn't have to affect me. I am my own person, and I need to be happy just being me. If I cry at a movie, then that's just me being wrapped up in the movie. If I am single, then I simply haven't found the right person. My time will come and it will be better for the wait. In the meantime, I will live my life the way I want to live it, being my true authentic self. When I allowed other's opinions to affect me, it just made me sad and depressed. When I fully embraced who I was, I became a lot happier. And amazingly, that postive attitude lead women to be attracted to me. Staying true to you and not listening to others is the key to happiness, believe me.

"Rules" was just another way of saying there is no set amount of time to spend together. What other couples do is what they do and should have no bearing on what she does. Schedules, distance, responsibilities... factors will differ for everyone. My conclusion was the same as yours, whatever works for them. Personally, I say spend as much time together as possible - in person, calls, chats, whatever you can arrange. I've talked to someone I was interested in every night, hours at a time. If you both enjoy it and have fun, why stop?

Totally agree with you. I can't even recall a bad experience because I've made sure any physical thing I've done comes after the emotional connection. Even the silly little things that happen were enjoyable because we were so in the moment together. And the chemistry part seemed to take care of itself. If others have a different take, to each their own.

The best person to speak to about this isn't strangers, it's the person you are going through it with. Communication with your partner is almost always going to provide you the answers you seek. Afterall, who knows her sex drive better then her? Stress is a major factor in our health - be it physical, mental, emotional, sexual, etc. If she is experiencing a rough time at work, sex won't be the first thing on her mind. What she needs is help in reliving that stress. Since you probably can't fix whatever is happening at the job, relive her stress in other ways. Find ways to pitch in more at home. Be there to listen and support. Ride through the difficult time with her because you love her. It will pass and she will be appreciative of you being there for her. There is time enough for sex later. And it might just be more passionate for all the pent up feelings. She also told you the issue, lack of quality time together. Being together has helped, and it will continue to help. So keep spending time together. Find the things that created that spark in the first place. Find new things one or both of you want to try. It can be anything. The point is to do them together. Build shared memories that draw you closer together. If you've been together 18 years, there is something deep between you. That doesn't just go away, no matter if you have sex or not. Love is deeper then sex. Really, you can look all around you and be reminded of people having sex, you don't have to have a noisy neighbor. How many movies or TV shows have love scenes or couples having sex? How many songs allude to sex? How many ads use sex to sell a product? Are you going to let all of those bring you down too? Or would you rather focus on what you do have - a wonderful woman who you care for and who cares for you? Someone you have been with for nearly two decades? Someone who gets you. And for all the reminders of sex there are in the world, there are even more reminders of love. You are lucky to have found someone. I would love to have someone I've been in a relationship with for that long. Just knowing they are there would be enough. Don't lose sight of how rare and special something like what you have is. Intimacy is more then sex. It's the cuddles and hugs, the kisses, the carresses. It's being close to the person, physcially reinforcing the emotional bond. That can be every bit as enjoyable and satisfying. Learn to enjoy it for what it is. And that can also be quite the bit of foreplay that sets the mood for other things...

Personally, I think too many generalizations get made and it's an easy jump from generalizing to making assumptions to sterotyping. But that's a separate topic probably best to not get into here. My point was along the same lines. Rather then focus on the sex or lack of sex, focus on the emotions behind it. Spend time together and rekindle the romance. Sex isn't the first step or the goal. It's a declaration of the love and feelings between two people. So focus on building that bond, on relating to each other.

There are no rules and every couple is different. Whatever the two of you can arrange is fine, as long as you are both happy with it. The important thing is to be together when you can (in person, phone, whatever), and enjoy the time you have.

If sex was just a means to orgasm, would you really need a partner at all? There seems to be plenty of... um, "aids" out there so you can do that solo. Yet people still tend to want a partner. So there has to be more to it. I'd say the emotional connection is the driving force behind sex. It's what gets you so worked up that you can't help yourself. It enhances the performance and can get quite passionate and intense. Guess I'm a bit of an oddball too.

You are far from the first person to believe a person is someone they are not. When you care for someone, it is natural to see all the good things in them and to ignore or dismiss a lot of the negatives. It's easy to get swept up in your feelings. That doesn't make you bad or sinful. It's not God punishing you and it's nothing to feel shame over. It was a mistake, one that countless people have made. Those people weren't bad people and most were able to pick themselves up and eventually find someone who made them feel even more special, who shared their values, and who treated them way better. If someone has thought of it, there is probably someone out there that is into it. If you aren't, then it's a sign this person isn't right for you. She seems like a person with a lot to work on. On one hand she tells you that you are spirtually connected. Next conversation she is telling you that you will never be anything. That's clearly someone who is not stable or someone who truly cares about you. You are better off without her. Sending you that video was another sign of how unhealthy she is. Knowing your past, it was a way to hurt you. And that emotional hurt she is causing you is just as painful as any physical pain her proclivities have caused her. Don't have any more contact with her. Ignore her. Eventually she will tire of this, especially if she sees she can't get to you anymore. You were doing well on your way to recovery. So continue doing what you were doing. And please, don't blame yourself. Life isn't about getting knocked down, we all get knocked down. It's about picking yourself back up and pushing forward.

The song is Mean, based off a reviewer who wrote she coudn't sing. So she turned it into song about how some people are just cruel and will always be pathetic. Meanwhile, she's successful and won a Grammy for the song. Now that's perfect revenge.

I'm not a legal expert, but I don't think there would be a problem. There would have to be proof you took it from her and not some other source. There would need to be overwhelming similiaities. And I don't imagine anything you've written would be directly damaging to her. My friend was telling me recently about a video she saw where one song sampled another. Even though it seemed liked the song just copied based on listening to it, the video explained how it was perfectly fine and legal. I imagine there a lot of leeway given in the name of creative freedom.

If you don't have contact with her anymore, and especially in light of how terribly she treated you, what difference does it make what her reaction is? A person who twists everything around so that they are the victim and the other person is guilty, will do it regardless of what you say or do. Being concerned about it is still giving them power of you, handing them another opportunity to hurt you. It's not worth your time or the mental and emotional anguish. They are the one with the issue, and they are the one who will be stuck complaining over and over again. Meanwhile, you have done something to be proud of and shouldn't let the opinion of one stuck up and messed up person get to you. As for what your mutual friends think - if they are really friends they will be proud of you and happy for your success. They shouldn't let one person's opinion sway them. And they probably know what kind of person she is and to not take her ramblings to seriously. That's being a writer. You take inspiration wherever you find. I'm actually impressed. You took a crappy situation and found a way to turn it into something creative and meaningful. As you said, it's not like you copied everything from her. You took a story she told you freely on her own and used it as the genesis of something that sprung from your own mind. You have nothing to be mad at yourself for. The best revenge is moving on and not letting her nonsense get to you anymore. She'll still be stuck with her. Although part of me always has liked the idea of writing somethng and dedicating it to certain people who hurt me. Write it in such a way that it shows how little they seem to be now and how over it I am. As that great poet of our times Taylor Swift (🤨) put it: With that same big, loud opinion / But nobody's listening Washed up and ranting about the same old bitter things ...But all you are is mean

Welcome back. I completely get how you feel. I also made some good friends her nearly 20 years ago and one of them remains very close to me. Posting her helped me through a very tough time, so it's special to me as well. I also agree it can be very encouraging and helpful to not just put the words to paper (or screen I guess), but to put it out there to be seen and felt. So please, bring on the onslaught. Ramble on as much as you'd like. Just hope you don't mind if I poke my nose in here and there. *And don't worry, you're not the only one living with a secret idenity. I would say more, but in the interest of national security, I must remain silent. 😉

You're not crazy, I posted a lot from 2004-2006, probably a little too much. Lol. Even posted a few poems. Life forced me to take an extended break until a few months ago. Glad to see someone else from back then. Hope the years have been kind to you. If you ever need anything, my inbox is always open.