ShySoul

There is a difference between fantasy and reality. Thinking something does not mean you are actually going to do it. Given that you are too worried to even flirt with women, I'm thinking it's highly unlikely you would turn that fantasy into reality. You've also seen first hand the impact such an act can have on a women, so you really aren't likely to do it. I don't think repressing something is the best strategy. When you repress you are just holding it down, not actually dealing with it. Eventually it will come back. The key is to figure out why you have the fantasy in the first place. Rape tends to be about power. In your case, I don't think it's physical power or any kind of issue with your mental state. I think you feel a lack of confidence and control in your life. You repeatedly put yourself down, think no girl could like you. So in your fantasy you go the opposite way. You have the control, you have the power. It's an outlet for the fustrations you feel from your everyday life. But because you know how damaging the real act is, you feel guilty over it. So it's a tug of war going on inside you. Focus on your own self esteem. Build confidence with yourself by concentrating on your strengths and things you are good at. That will help you in general. And know there are women who have those fantasies to. It doesn't necessarily mean anything is wrong with them either. As long as it stays a fantasy or a consensual, safe roleplay, then it's just a kink a person is into. It's when it becomes a real, non consensual act that it turns into the deplorable thing that it is.

You "owe" her the same thing anyone is owed - honesty and respect. If you have concerns, then you need to talk about it with her. Not talking will just continue things as they are until one of you finally snaps and says or does something they might regret. So do the mature thing and talk it out. People rarely change, and when you care for someone you shouldn't want them to change who they are. But you can compromise. There are probably things in your behavior that she might be able to point out Relationships require both parties to work together and be willing to look at themselves and how they can improve things. Only in working together can you potentially addresses these concerns. And if she is unwilling to cooperate, then you will have known you tried and can be honest about it not working out. You won't have to feel like you are wasting her time, as it will be clear this isn't working.

They were already separated for three years, so you did not come between them or cause any of their problems. I knew a woman who got with a man just as he was starting to get a divorce and almost instantly got engaged to him. That was a homewrecker. You are a women who got mixed up with an already broken situation that had been going on for a long time. The issue her is actually with the ex. She has not been able to move on and thus lashed out at the easiest target when it became apparent that he had. Unfortunately, that target was you. Don't be too hard on yourself. Something better is out there. And when the right thing comes along, you won't have to question or need proof on every little thing. You will know.

What do you want out of this? Was your intent friends going to hang out together? Or were you hoping for more? And did you communicate this when you asked him to prom? Based on what you said it's unclear what either of you are thinking aside from having fun at a dance together. If you want him to be straightforward, then be straightforward with him. Figure out what it is you are hoping for, then talk about it with him. You were the one to ask him to the prom, so it's possible you'll need to be the one to take initiative on working out what all this means. Regardless what you decide, have fun at the prom. Be it as friends or potentially more, there is a reason you asked him and a reason he said yes. There is a reason you could spend three hours talking. Enjoy that reason and enjoy each other's company.

You did contact her. You did express your feelings honestly and respectfully. I'm guessing in that conversation you said you cared for her and wanted to work things out. She was the one who said everything was fine and proceeded to meet another guy. What more could you say to her that would change how you feel? What you are experiencing is a relapse. That's natural. It's only been three weeks. As I said in a previous post, it took me three months before I was okay. I wanted to reach out so many times. I told her all along that I cared deeply and owned up to all my mistakes. But it wasn't going to make a difference how many times I told her if she didn't want to listen. I had to focus on myself, day by day. Eventually I got better. When I did speak to her, she contacted me. Hearing from her did give me the final closure I needed, but it had to happen when it was right. If I had kept going to her, I would have remained stuck in my feelings even longer. Closure is just as much about you as it is them. The truth is that we never fully know what another person is thinking. Sometimes we won't get the answers we want from them, especially if they refuse to tell us. To continually try to get those answers creates an endless cycle of questioning and doubt. At a certain point you have to know that you tried and that anything else needs to be on the other person. You have to focus on being happy with yourself. I second the notion of writing something out just for you. A journal, a poem, a story, some form of art... anything that helps you to get those feelings out and relives the hurt and stress building inside you. But do it for you, don't involve her. Trust me, things will get better. You are getting there, it just takes time.

It's not the size of the ship, it's the motion of the ocean. Size isn't everything and a larger size could actually be detrimental. Not all women are size queens who want someone super huge. Some women may be tighter in that area and thus would prefer someone smaller that they can accomodate better. There are other advantages as well. May I recommend a quick google search on the topic and you'll find things that might help boost your confidence. You always hear from the bigger is better crowd, but there are plenty out there that shows good things can come in small packages. And what you might lack in size, you can make up for in enthusiasm and technique. At the end of the day, sex isn't about the physical anyway. What makes it special and meaningful is the connection two people have and share with each other. If you love and care about each other, that will make it good. If you have that bond and are at the point where you both are willing to share yourselves intimately with each other, then nothing else should matter. Be in the moment and just enjoy being with each other. Feel and savor every moment, every touch. When you've lost yourself in the experience, you'll be okay. And know that anyone who would judge you based on something that superficial, really isn't someone you would want to be with. They are the one missing out. Don't let someone like that cause you to doubt yourself. The right person will like it simply because it is with you.

Attraction in terms of physical appearance is overrated. Everyone will get older and those looks will start to fade. Bodies don't stay in peak condition forever. Plus its all subjective. No one has ever been able to define what exactly attractive looks like. And even if you think one thing is attractive, someone completely different comes along and can change your views. Attraction though in terms of heart and soul, that does matter. What counts is who the person is on the inside. Everyone I've ever really been attracted to has started based off some aspect of their personality. Feelings have grown from there and I will find them more attractive on the inside because of what I see on the inside.

I have slept in the same bed with more then one woman and both sides were fully aware sex was not a remote possibility. Just being with her was good enough for me. The last thing I would have wanted was to make her uncomfortable or feel pressured into anything. If anything, I'd say it takes a stronger, more mature grown up to not do anything and just be content to lay beside each other. When you love someone, their happiness comes before sex. If they aren't ready, then you wait. Simple as that.

Real men do not touch a woman in a sexual manner unless she has agreed that it is okay. Consent is never implied. It doesn't matter what she wears, how long you've been seeing each other, sharing a bed, prior times together, or anything else. If you want to be intimate, make sure she wants it as well before you try anything. That's treating a lady with respect and honor. You are not being a bad girlfriend. Sex should never be expected, especially when a person indicates they are not comfortable. Yes, you could have said no in words. But you froze, which is ok. You still said no in your actions, which should have been enough. Men don't need to be mind readers, they just need to pay attention to the woman they are with. If a woman is recoiling from your touch, it should be evident that she isn't in the mood and you should stop. Even if you can excuse his behavior that time, you told him how you felt after and he hasn't listened. You don't forget to not make sexual comments and advances. He is making a conscious decision to bring it up against your wishes. He is making you feel guilty for not doing something that you don't want to do. That's wrong and you shouldn't put up with it. No in any form means no. If he doesn't respect you enough to listen, then he doesn't deserve you.

I don't think you are overthinking. I think you're being very reasonable and level headed. You weren't having luck in the romance department, but you didn't give up on it. You turned to porn to scratch an itch, as many people do, but didn't go overboard. You dropped it when it you felt it had lost it's usefulness. You found someone you connect with and are excited, but are still being careful and cautious. You're doing things just fine from what I can see. You got this. Does it matter if it's normal? If it feels right for you, then do it. You're not harming anyone and you seem happier for it.

Really it all depends on the kind of person she is, which is why none of us can give any kind of definitive answer. I know when I want to avoid a topic it's easy to just give a quick dismissal with "it's nothing." Even admitting to it being personal is opening myself up to questions. I might start to wonder if the other person is thinking anything about me. I know I'm not the only way that feels that way, so maybe she does. Which is why I think the best thing anyone can do for a person is to make sure they know you are there and will be supportive. Put the person at ease so they are ready to talk. Or really, maybe she is being honest and it is nothing, at least to her. Maybe it's a simple matter of being tired or stressed and not having the energy or interest at this time. A person could easily just see that as the normal flow of life, not a sign of a major relationship problem. He might disagree, which would mean a difference of opinion but not any kind of dishonesty on either part. Phillip, you know her best. So look at who she is, how your relationship is, and what has been going on in both of your lives. See if you can find a reasonable explanation, or if you really think something deeper is going on. If you do, then have an honest, heartfelt, and non-judgemental conversation. Don't approach it as an ultimatum, with a clear choice of one way or the other. Work together and be flexible, as couples should, to find what works for both of you.

I heard something on this recently. People are apparently becoming so fustrated with the datng app culture they are turning back to older ideas and concepts, including speed dating. https://www.washingtonpost.com/technology/2024/03/06/speed-dating-apps/ https://www.usatoday.com/story/life/health-wellness/2024/04/03/speed-dating-is-making-a-comeback-is-gen-z-done-with-dating-apps/73187068007/ Everything old will eventually be new again. Guess that means I'll someday go from being the out of touch old-guy to the trendsetter ahead of the curve and all I have to do is not change a thing. Right? 🤪

No, I wouldn't. I prefer the opposite approach. Meeting a whole bunch of people at one time and only getting to have brief, probably superficial conversations doesn't seem like a good way of finding a potential person to become my perfect partner. I believe in getting to know someone naturally, meeting them in the course of everyday life and becoming friends first. If something develops from there, all the better. Really, I'm not a fan of the standard dating concept anyway. So speed dating would not be for me. But if you want to, it's all up to you. Do what makes you happy.

You have every right to feel you used. Your feelings are your feelings and you are entitled to them. When a person you thought was close to you ignores you, it is upsetting. You were there for her when no one else was. For her to not keep in contact must feel like a betrayal of that bond you thought you had. Do you want to try to keep the friendship? If so, you should talk about it with her. It might be something completely innocent. She might not realize how her actions have impacted you. Real friends are willing to have the difficult conversations and the friendship can come out stronger for it. Even if things don't work out, you''ll still be able to say you tried. Personally, I think a friendship is something worth fighting for. And if it's a fine minute walk, don't wait for her, just walk over there yourself. If you are okay with not maintaining the friendship, realize that it's not on you. Don't blame yourself. Also, don't hold onto any anger or upset feelings. It's okay to feel sad or hurt, but know that there are other people you can have friendships with you won't forget about you. You seem like a caring person who anyone would be lucky to be friends with.

Don't just block them, stay off social media all together. Get out and find other activites and things to keep you busy. Stay so busy you don't have time to think of them. School, work, volunteering... whatever you need to do to focus on your life. You need to be happy with yourself first, need to focus on where you are going and the things you want to do. He's a distraction that would help you in the long run. So do whatever you have to do remove him from your life. We all fail. We all take steps backwards at time. That's okay. It doesn't mean you've lost all progress though. Just take two steps forward for every one back. Keep pushing through day by day, little by little. You have the strength inside you. You can do it. Keep the faith.

You are exclusive if you are only seeing each other, excluding others from the possibility of a date. Holding hands, pet names, kisses, are no guarantee of that. Short responses likewise don't indicate anything one way or another. When someone says I love you the typical response is something short like I love you too. The more important thing is if he is initiating those comments and compliments. Is he taking the time to tell and show you his feelings? So many people get caught up in a game of hinting or giving signs. It allows them to avoid uncomfortable conversations or the fear of rejection. But it can't give you the answer you seek or the peace of mind that comes with actually knowing for sure. The only way to deal with a problem is to confront it. So why not just ask? You can drive yourself crazy wondering, or you can be proactive and talk about it. Worse case you find out he isn't invested and you won't waste your time on something that isn't going to work out. It may hurt for awhile, but you will know and will be able to process and move on. Best case you formally commit and can leave behind the doubts as you fully enjoy and embrace the relationship.

Here is your red flag. As much as I love animals and don't want to see them hurt, this was a human being. He saw a person die in front of him and felt nothing? If he has that little regard for the well being of others, how could you ever expect him to care about what happens to you? It doesn't even have to be him doing anything to you. What if you had serious health problems and ended up in a hospital? Would he shrug it off and say "I feel nothing?" Honesty is the best policy. Tell him his anger and lack of empathy is not something you are comfortable with. You wish him well, but you don't think this is the right match for either of you. Stand your ground and don't let him try to convince you otherwise or get angry and turn it around on you. As for causing him pain, theres a good chance he won't feel it. He seems to not feel so much, at least when the pain is happeneing to others. Hmm... maybe him feeling a little pain might actually do him some good.

Why the assumption she is keeping anything from you at all? Just because a person has a lowered sex drive or doesn't want to do a specific act, doesn't mean something is wrong with the relationship. Has anything changed in her life recently? Has she experienced some kind of drama or been stressed? Is she going through any physical issues? Any of these things may be making her less interested in sex. Sex is just as emotional and mental as it is physical. If she is distracted by something in her life, it can make it diffficult to get in the mood and enjoy the things you used to. Best thing to do is provide a loving, supportive environment for her. When she's ready to talk, she will. And it may even help put her at ease so that she can start feeling more interested in that again. We have no idea what, if anything, is going on with her. For all we know it could be something embarrassing that she is simply self conscious about and afraid to say out loud. Or it could be something painful that is difficult to speak about. An ultimatum of "talk about it or we have to take time apart" wouldn't be helpful and could even push her away.

You are being way more polite then I would be if it was writing this. I would say something along the lines of how staring at other women while talking to one you supposedly want to see is disrespectful and rude. I would point out that leaving a women alone in a sketchy neighborhood is ungentlemanly, even if the women could handle it. Basically I'd want to send him a message that even if you have no hard feelings, he still needs to shape up. I don't think anything you said is needy, unless it's in the sense of something you feel you need to say. But really, it's all up to you how you want to handle things.

They have defended an abuser and child molester, and yet you are the misogynist disrespecting women? It's always fascinating the level of hyprocrisy and projection that those kinds of people are capable of. Were they also complaining about people forcing them to be "woke?" The second someone starts angerly using those phrases that's probably a good signal to run to the nearest exit and not look back. You made the right call, all the way. Remember, these people will have to live with themselves and all the problems they cause. They have to constantly face the internalized hatred and anger they are projecting. They are the ones who are messed up. You get to walk away and have a better life without the crazy drama. You win.

No explanation is needed or required. However, saying something shouldn't be about him, it's about you. What does your gut say is the right thing for you to do? Do you want to tell him? Would it make you feel better to call out his actions? Would it provide a sense of closure? Or would you be happier just forgetting him and letting things lie where they stand? Do what you want and what you feel is best for you.

If you ever question if you did the right thing, just read what you wrote there. There is a certain basic level of respect and deceny that a person should be treated with. They couldn't do that. You were right in removing yourself from the situation and are better off without them. Sadly, there are still people who judge others based on the most superficial of things and will act in reprehensible ways towards them. They are the real losers. Better people are out there. Surround yourself with them and ignore the negative people.

The reaction to animated violence may simply be a case of drastically different tastes. When you think about even classic cartoons like Bugs Bunny, there is all kinds of violent things happening. Modern movies/shows/cartoons/etc. have grown more graphic. It's possible some people are desensitised to the violence or just have a higher threshold for what they can stand. For what it's worth, I'm in agreement with you. I find excessive violence or gore disturbing. There's nothing funny about it. My roommate is even more highly sensitive, so we stay away from that content. You are not odd for feeling as you do. The larger issue is his reaction. The mature thing for him to do would be to realize that this was making you uncomfortable and that you can't handle certain things that he can. He should have apoligized, made sure you were okay, and agreed to watch something else. There are all kinds of animes and other things you can watch together. He can watch this one on his own. Instead he overreacts and says he can't watch anything with you? He blames you and makes out like you are the one with a problem. I always say to look for the trend. This isn't the first time his temper has concerned you. You say you don't see it getting better. So is this the kind of person you want to be around? Does this person share the same values you do? He may have many great qualities, but is this something you want to risk living with? Personally, I don't think I could. And I hope you don't either.

Hey Mike. You've been well prepared with all the potential pitfalls and dangers. You know to be cautious and talk things over. From the sound of things both of you aren't going into this blind and are willing to work through things and see how it goes. So I'll throw in something a little different: Have fun. You aren't planning the rest of your life. You aren't talking about running off to Vegas and buying a pair of rings. So relax and enjoy the time together. Yes, it's important to have certain talks. Yes, you don't want to get swept up in a fantasy. But don't overthink things or try to decide everything at once. The point of the trip is to meet in person and be together. Odds are the person you've been speaking with is the same person you will meet. If you've connected online, odds are you will connect in person. So have fun together. Remember, she's probably just as nervous as you and has all the same thoughts and questions. Relax and take it easy. Focus on enjoying yourselves and you'll probably have a great time. My brother met his wife playing games online. She lived in another state when they first meet. Shortly after she moved to be near him. That was over 20 years ago and things are good last that I heard. So things can work out. Probably best not to get your hopes up just yet, but it's not impossible and your fine to be excited by this experience. Just don't get engaged after a month and married a month later. That didn't work out so well for someone I knew. But I don't think you were planning that. 😉

Porn is a fantasy world centered around the physical. When you actually have someone you emotionally connect with, you see what you were really missing. The porn suddenly seems so hollow and empty in comparison. At least, I would hope that would be the natural train of thought. Good luck with the relationship. I hope the two of you are happy together.