ShySoul

Do we know this was passive aggresive? Do we know he was trying to make himself look like a hero while trying to irritate her? Or perhaps he just wanted to spend time with her and watch a movie together so made a suggestion that was greated with anger? Whitelotus, you're the only one here who actually knows and interacts with her. You know what your aim was in bringing up the movie or the things you say to her. And you know the pattern of her responses. So ask youself if her responses are justified or if they are a reflection of something deeper going on within her. Then ask yourself if this is something you want to deal with. As things are, it is not healthy for either of you. It's up to you to decide what you wish to do about it.

Hence why I put sexless in quotation marks. The term can mean different things to different people in terms of frequency. In this case he admits they can go four weeks (basically a month) without sex. For some people (and probably him in his current state of mind) that can at least feel like a sexless relationship. Lolo, the point here isn't sex. It's to focus on the relationship and being happy and satified with what he has. It's communicating with the partner to make sure they are both fulfilled - physically but even more so emotionally. It's about finding the love and connection that is there. Sex is but one way of demonstrating your love for someone. Rather then focus on that, focus on the infinity of other ways you can do so. Once you do that, wouldn't surprise me if it sets the mood, starts up the fire, and even leads to more sex.

https://abbymedcalf.com/how-to-handle-aggressive-or-confrontational-people/ Think this might help. Understand how you are feeling about their behavior. Understand why they act this way. And be assertive in communicating your needs. "There are lots of reasons why people are confrontational or aggressive. I’d say that almost all of them come down to control. They fear losing control and/or want more control (again, from fear) in a given situation." "Think about it: someone who has high confidence and self-esteem never feels the need to threaten, lose their *** or react defensively. This aggressive person is showing you their low self-esteem and inability to manage themselves. It’s sad..." "Hold your boundary. Be clear about what specific responses you’ll have if they continue to act this way with you in this conversation, and then follow through!"

I find that to be the key revealing part of this. This isn't about you, it's about her. She has somehow got it in her mind that she has to appear tough and aggressive. To be otherwise is to be meek and show weakness. Is there anything in her past that might have caused this attiude? If she has always been this way, then this is who she is. The question you should ask yourself is how much you are willing to put up with? You can calmly try to diffuse situations as they arise, not raising to the bait of her starting these arguements. If you react in anger yourself, you are just giving her fuel to continue being more aggressive in order to prove (mostly to herself) how "strong" she is. You can tiptoe around yourself, afraid to say anything for fear of starting another fight. Or you can examine if this relationship is really healthy for you. If simply suggesting a movie as a way to spend time together is a landmine that will set her off, how will you be able to handle the really tough issues that come in relationships?

https://www.everydayhealth.com/sexual-health/are-sexless-marriages-and-relationships-normal.aspx By the way, "sexless" relationships are not uncommon and not a sign of something wrong with the relationship. Plenty of couples are perfectly happy together despite infrequent sex. Some couples even prefer sleeping in separate bedrooms. The important thing is to communicate your feelings with your partner and figure out what works for the two of you.

It's emotional for men as well. Sex isn't just about the physical act. It is the emotional, mental, and spiritual connection between partners that truly makes it a special and mind blowing experience. Rather then focus on sex, focus on building that connection and rekindling the spark of romance. Spend more time together. Do sweet little surprise gestures to show you are thinking of each other. Pull from the past and find those romantic moments when everything felt perfect. Have those deep conversations that show you really care for each other and can talk about anything and everything. You'll find yourself drawn to each other on a more intimate, personal level. You'll probably end up enjoying it on it's own without the sex, and there's a greater chance that spark will find it's way into the bedroom as well. As I've always said, stimulate the heart and mind, and the body will follow. Also, don't compare yourself to anyone else. Everyone's situation is different and appearances can be deceiving. Yes, he may seem to have a wild and great life on the outside. But who says he is happy about it on the inside? Sex with different random women sounds great in fantasyland, but in real life those people tend to be quite lonely. They never experience the full depth of love. On the other hand, you have someone you've been with for a long time. You get to know there is someone there for you each day, someone who cares about you and who knows you inside and out. He may experience a woman's touch, but you get to experience the full power of a woman's love.

Glad things have gotten better for you. Sometimes people don't realize just how much their actions, even seemingly innocent ones, affect those around them. But I think given the chance, most people are willing to say they are sorry and work on making things better. You just need to communicate and talk with each other. Hope things continue well for both of you. And may you show that game whose boss!

Is there any other reason you would be thinking of moving on from him? Because a person not writing detailed texts doesn't seem like a substantial reason to call it quits. I don't text at all as I prefer actually talking and hearing a persons voice. And I always thought the point of text was a short, quick message. Long messages are for emails. Regardless, I don't think I would be very happy if someone rejected me based solely on my preferred communication style. Rather then focus on one thing, look at the entire relationship. Do you enjoy spending time together? Do you have a lot in common - similar interests or values? Does he overall treat you well, with kindness and respect? Do you make each other smile and laugh? Does he make the effort to spend time with you, finding ways to show he is thinking of you? Those are the things that matter. If he's making an effort to do those things, then he is showing he's there. And those things are far more meaningful and touching then any length of text.

Back in the old days there was a forum just for poetry. Where ever you want to post it, keep it up because I'd like to read more. Some of the most magical moments I've experienced have come simply from gazing into someone's eyes. It really was like a infinity of possibilities opening up to me in that moment. Either that or I was traveling through the multiverse. 😁

When are things good? Because it doesn't sound like that could be a very high amount of the time. You admit to lying to her. You were still in a relationship with someone when you started seeing her. It's understandable that someone might not feel like they could trust you after that. In the future, it's always best to be honest and to focus on one person at a time. As you can see, the cost of not doing that is much worse. On the other hand, she is more focused on revenge then on actually having a healthy relationship. She wants you to suffer, and staying with her is giving her that goal. No relationship should be damaging to a person's mental well being. Both of you are being damaged by this. Take time on our own to reflect on the experience and mature from it. When you find the right relationship, remember it should lift you up, not drag you down. You should be focused on making the other person as happy as they make you feel, not on how everything always feels miserable.

Kim, I was the male in this situation a couple years ago. My downstairs neighbor apparently thought I was cute and wanted to get to know me, but was too shy to say anything. One day I returned home from work to find a note taped to my door saying she liked my hair and wanting to know about me. After some initial confusion (wait, this is really happening to me!?), I thought about it and found it sweet and charming. We exchanged a few letters that way. Unfortunately she stopped communicating when she found out our age difference, eventually leaving one last note. Oh well, at least I will always have a neighbor story to entertain people with now. 🙄 If you are nervous in person, you could leave a note. You don't have to be as forward as in my situation, maybe just ask if he needs anything or offer your assistance. Maybe say you enjoyed talking with him and to say hi if you see each other so you can chat some more. As far as talking in person, I'll second mylolita's tips. Try not to be nervous. He's just a guy and may be just as nervous as you. Ask open ended questions to get him talking. That can help take some pressure off of you. Hopefully you can find something in common and use that as a jumping off point for future conversations. Hope things go well. Relax, breathe, and remember you can do it.

I was once in a position where I was interested in someone who had been hurt from a past relationship. She had trust issues. I could have stopped things early and probably avoided a lot of hurt. But I would have also missed out on some of the best experiences I had ever had. It ultimately didn't work out, but I wouldn't have had done things any other way. We were meant to be in each others life, if only for that time. She needed my support to him her through those trust issues. And I needed her for where I was at in my life. Sometimes you just have to take a chance and go where the heart takes you. Relationships happen when it's right. Just keep talking to each other as friends and see how you both feel. If there is more there, you will eventually sense it. And if you don't, the worse that happens is you keep a good friend. But also don't try to force anything that either of you aren't feeling.

Don't settle for the minimum, and certainly don't accept less. We each deserve someone who will value and respect us as the unique indivuduals we are, someone who will treat us special. When you've really found the one, they will treat you extra well because they will know just how extraordinary you are. Stay positive. Better days, and better guys, are out there.

It's never fair to compare people against each other. Each person is an individual and should be judged on their own merits. So take each case individually. If S does not inspire those butterflies, then he is not ticking every box. There may not be anything "wrong." It doesn't have to be him or you, it could simply be that you are better suited as friends. As for B, why can't he be in the equation? If you both have feelings for each other, then why deny those feelings? Yes, circumstances would dictate a long distance relationship for now. Yes, that would require some work and adjustments on both ends. And yes, it wouldn't always be easy. But plenty of people have done it and made it work. In the end, always follow your heart. If your heart is leaning in one direction, you owe it to yourself to see where that leads. It may work out, it may not. But you'll know for sure and won't have to look back and wonder "what if?" In the long run, you won't regret it.

All depends on the person. (Yes, I wish there was an easier answer then that). I've had cases where I've felt first. I've also had her feel first. And a separate, probably larger issue is who feels deeper. As a sensitive male, that's usually been me.

I wish I could give you a step by step guide right now, that would make things easier. And it could probably make me rich as it would solve so many relationship issue. 😉 The easiest thing to tell you is that you know if you learn to trust your instinct. Look at who a person is, how they treat others and especially how they treat you. A person's natural personality will always shine through in the end. It's not about any one thing they say or do. It's the pattern. A person who genuinely cares about will take the time to do things for you. They will volunteer to cook and clean themselves. They will be available when you need to talk. They will lend you support and help. They will plan something to surprise you. They will take an interest in your hobbies or the things you like. Someone who is using you or only cares about what you do for them won't think beyond how they benefit from something. They will come to expect all the things you do, maybe even make you feel guilty for not doing something. They won't put in the same effort. That's not to say someone who misses you can't make a mistake and be selfish at times. That's also not to say someone overall selfish can't do a nice act here and there. But it's the general pattern of behavior that counts. And when the good ones do mess up, they usually realize it and feel bad, trying to make it up to you. The not so good ones, may not even recognize the problem. That's exactly the feeling I think we are all trying to get at. It feels like this is all one sided, with you putting in the work to please him. What does he do for you? Is the relationship worth all you are putting into it? He is fulfilling your needs? That's a question you have to answer for yourself. Take an honest look at things, seeing him as he is instead of who you want him to be. Then figure out how you feel.

Possibly there is a reason the friend doesn't want to post? Maybe she is shy or unsure of herself? Maybe she is nervous about telling a bunch of strangers her problems? Or maybe lexi is just trying to be a friend and get help for her? Lexi is free to correct me, but it actually seems like a rather simple issue made complicated by a reference to an unrelated topic. The guy messaged an ex and the friend is confused as to why. Lexi, unless your friend has reason to be suspicious of the guy or the ex, tell her to not worry about it. What matters is how well they are getting along. If the relationship seems to be proceeding fine, then all systems go and proceed with enjoyment.

To clarify: Your friend is seeing a guy who contacted his ex to ask if she was "stalking." Your friend is now confused, wondering why he would even talk to his ex in the first place. Correct? Just because people break up doesn't mean they will never speak again. It doesn't have to mean anything, it could just be a situation they were thrown into where they had to talk or it would it would have been rude not to say something. In this case, if the ex is looking through his social media, maybe he wanted to know why? Maybe it was natural curiosity. Maybe he wanted to send a message to indicate he was aware and that she couldn't get away with something. Hey, depending on there sense of humor, maybe it was some kind of joke. If she continues to try to spy on him, have her blocked. Otherwise, don't worry about an ex. She is an ex for a reason. Your friend is the one he is with now. They should focus on their relationship and work to make sure that relationship is going well and that they are both enjoying it.

Rarely still leaves the chance that it is possible. Personally, if it is someone I love, I'd rather be able to say I tried and did all I could to help them. Plus when you do care for someone, it's not so easy to just remove yourself entirely. Part of you is with them and you want to see that person well, no matter how hurt you may be feeling. Citrine, of course, if you feel your safety is in danger, you remove yourself from the situation. You can't help them if you aren't safe yourself. And given there are children, you need to protect them first. Once you have removed the immediate danger, then you can figure out what you want to do. Maybe the risk of actually losing you and the children will snap him to reality and he'll want to try to change. But he needs to make the effort. And its very likely he won't. In that case, know that it is on him. You can't fix someone or make them do something they aren't ready for. In the end, he is responsible for him. You take care of you and the children.

Also, someone feeling your absence doesn't mean it's a good relationship. He could feel your absence, but not really be missing you. It could be a case of him just missing the things you do for him. Then you are just a maid or housekeeper, not a girlfriend. That kind of game or attitude runs the risk of making someone dependent upon you for what you provide for them, not actually as a healthy relationship between two people who honestly love and respect each other. And that goes for either gender.

Emotional connection is good. But cooking and cleaning isn't emotional connection. That's being a 1950s sterotyped housewife. If you want to do those things, if that brings you happiness and fulfillment, then by all means you should do them. And I'm sure there are men who would appreciate it. But that is far from the only way to care for a man. Real emotional connection is about connecting over our feelings and emotions. It's being able to talk to one another about anything. It's trusting each other with our problems and actively listening and supporting one another. It's feeling safe with someone, knowing they want the best for me and won't judge or attack me. As a man I don't care if a woman cooks. It's nice, but I can cook myself, order takeout, or warm up a frozen meal. I'm also constantly cleaning, so don't need someone to do that for me. But what does touch me is when she simply listens to me after a rough day, gives me a hug in support. That tells me she cares. Likewise, that is what a man should be doing for a woman. Be there for her. Listen to her. Show her respect, kindness, and undestanding. Those are the things that really matter. So, is that what you getting in this relationship?

When a child is involved, they should always come first. So make she the children are safe and provided for first and foremost. Given everything you wrote, I can tell you are a caring person and do love her and want to help her. The best way to do that is to do the things you've always done, just not necessarily be there in person all the time. Provide for the children. Check in when you pick up/drop them off. Let her know you are there if she needs anything. Then let her handle herself. Give her time and space just as she requested. When she is ready, there is a good chance she will come to you. Yes, things could still work out. If you want to believe in it, if that helps you get through this, then believe it is possible. Anything is possible. Just don't try to force anything. Time, patience, and understanding will get both of you through.

marmar, Please note were not trying to accuse you of anything personally. We just need to fully understand what happened before we can help. It's a delicate topic either way, so best we are all on the same page. I'm thinking you got swept up in the moment, had sex, then regretted it. Maybe you just wanted to feel each other's bodies against each other, one thing lead to another, and there's penetration. That's okay. If you feel it was a mistake, then for you it was a mistake. It's okay if you don't want to have sex again. But that's not rape. It's two people getting carried away and doing something they maybe shouldn't have done. Whatever did happen, please continue to work on your own mental health. Your own well being is important. Please take care of yourself.

What is your definition of a stable union? I would assume it is something other then children since neither of you want that so it wouldn't be a problem. What is indicating that you are just there for physical comfort? You also mention that he is kind and provides you emotional support. So what, outside of that one comment, is making you question if he cares? Ask yourself what it is you want in a relationship. Then ask yourself if he is providing that. If you feel something is missing, have you talked to him about it? Have you tried to work through it, both putting in the effort to fill whatever missing spots you sense? Also know that he is the one who has made bad choices in his life, and he is the one who has to show the inititiative to improve on them. You can help and be supportive, but he is the one who has to choose to improve himself. If he is unwilling, that may be a sign he doesn't want the same thing you do. That could be a defensive reaction to what he felt was an accusation. If it's a sore spot about how he messed up and needs to be more responsibile, it could be an attempt to turn things on you rather then face his own issue. Still not right, and still something that you need to address with him.

It's the journey, not the destination. All the bumps in the road just make for a more interesting story when you finally get to the off ramp. Just hope one day to actually find the right exit instead of driving around in circles. 😒 Take things as they come and enjoy the ride.