ShySoul

I just loaned money to my mother. I've also loaned money to my father and to one of my brothers. That's what family is for, to help you when you need it. No one really likes to ask for help, but if you need it, then family will be there, no questions asked. They'll want you to ask and will wonder why you didn't say something sooner. And how can anyone resist helping a sweet cat who is suffering? Hope your cat gets well.

His identity and sense of self worth seems to be tied to his job and how much money he makes. Without it, he's lost. Is there something in his past that could help explain why it's so important to him? Yes, it's possible for people to return to normal, whatever normal is. But it takes time and work, as you are already familiar with. He has to be the one to put in that work. It doesn't go away with time, its something you fight every day. Until he is ready to have that fight, it won't improve. You can care about him, love him, even try to convince him to take action. You can share your own struggles and what you've learned. But he's the only one that can change himself. It's up to you to decide what you are okay with, how much you can endure. It's fine to still care, to want to hold on and believe it can still work. But at a certain point you can't let his depression become your depression. You have to protect your own health. If he can't be the strong one and address his issues or let you go, then you have to be that strong one. As painful as it is, if you don't feel the same for him as you used to, then it's better for both of you not to prolong it. You can still care about him and be supportive, just not necessarily as a relationship. I like the way you phrase that. Money, jobs, titles or status - those things are temporary. They are nice and help you get by day to day, but they aren't what really fulfills you. It's the love and support from those that care that matters most. I really hope he can see that.

To clarify, I meant why would it matter now. I agree in the importance of education and in using birth control/protection. I would never make light of such a serious topic. In this case specifically, they should have used protection. Rita even admitted it. However they didn't and she got pregnant. No amount of admonishment or debate on the topic can change that. So in my mind the real concern is what to do going forward. As long as they are both willing to work together to try and do right by the child, everything else is to be a side topic. The child is first and foremost. Anyway, if you read this Rita, hope things are alright for you and the child to be.

Yes, she was being immature. She could be laughing for any number of reasons, all having to do with her and nothing with you. Her opinion doesn't matter and you shouldn't let it affect you or get you down. Crying or being emotionally sensitive is fine. I welled up recently myself over a TV show. I cry all the time listening to songs. If anything, that just says it was a good movie if it could affect you so deeply. It's a good thing to be able to feel things to that depth, it helps you to appreciate things more and experience the feel range of human emotions. As someone who has been made fun of for being single, I understand how it can hurt. You might already be sensitive about the topic, so don't need the reminder. It's also on her brain, so you are more receptive to taking things as slights against you. If you are more sensitive, then it hurts even more. I had to struggle with that myself for a long time, but what I learned was that what others think doesn't have to affect me. I am my own person, and I need to be happy just being me. If I cry at a movie, then that's just me being wrapped up in the movie. If I am single, then I simply haven't found the right person. My time will come and it will be better for the wait. In the meantime, I will live my life the way I want to live it, being my true authentic self. When I allowed other's opinions to affect me, it just made me sad and depressed. When I fully embraced who I was, I became a lot happier. And amazingly, that postive attitude lead women to be attracted to me. Staying true to you and not listening to others is the key to happiness, believe me.

"Rules" was just another way of saying there is no set amount of time to spend together. What other couples do is what they do and should have no bearing on what she does. Schedules, distance, responsibilities... factors will differ for everyone. My conclusion was the same as yours, whatever works for them. Personally, I say spend as much time together as possible - in person, calls, chats, whatever you can arrange. I've talked to someone I was interested in every night, hours at a time. If you both enjoy it and have fun, why stop?

Totally agree with you. I can't even recall a bad experience because I've made sure any physical thing I've done comes after the emotional connection. Even the silly little things that happen were enjoyable because we were so in the moment together. And the chemistry part seemed to take care of itself. If others have a different take, to each their own.

The best person to speak to about this isn't strangers, it's the person you are going through it with. Communication with your partner is almost always going to provide you the answers you seek. Afterall, who knows her sex drive better then her? Stress is a major factor in our health - be it physical, mental, emotional, sexual, etc. If she is experiencing a rough time at work, sex won't be the first thing on her mind. What she needs is help in reliving that stress. Since you probably can't fix whatever is happening at the job, relive her stress in other ways. Find ways to pitch in more at home. Be there to listen and support. Ride through the difficult time with her because you love her. It will pass and she will be appreciative of you being there for her. There is time enough for sex later. And it might just be more passionate for all the pent up feelings. She also told you the issue, lack of quality time together. Being together has helped, and it will continue to help. So keep spending time together. Find the things that created that spark in the first place. Find new things one or both of you want to try. It can be anything. The point is to do them together. Build shared memories that draw you closer together. If you've been together 18 years, there is something deep between you. That doesn't just go away, no matter if you have sex or not. Love is deeper then sex. Really, you can look all around you and be reminded of people having sex, you don't have to have a noisy neighbor. How many movies or TV shows have love scenes or couples having sex? How many songs allude to sex? How many ads use sex to sell a product? Are you going to let all of those bring you down too? Or would you rather focus on what you do have - a wonderful woman who you care for and who cares for you? Someone you have been with for nearly two decades? Someone who gets you. And for all the reminders of sex there are in the world, there are even more reminders of love. You are lucky to have found someone. I would love to have someone I've been in a relationship with for that long. Just knowing they are there would be enough. Don't lose sight of how rare and special something like what you have is. Intimacy is more then sex. It's the cuddles and hugs, the kisses, the carresses. It's being close to the person, physcially reinforcing the emotional bond. That can be every bit as enjoyable and satisfying. Learn to enjoy it for what it is. And that can also be quite the bit of foreplay that sets the mood for other things...

Personally, I think too many generalizations get made and it's an easy jump from generalizing to making assumptions to sterotyping. But that's a separate topic probably best to not get into here. My point was along the same lines. Rather then focus on the sex or lack of sex, focus on the emotions behind it. Spend time together and rekindle the romance. Sex isn't the first step or the goal. It's a declaration of the love and feelings between two people. So focus on building that bond, on relating to each other.

There are no rules and every couple is different. Whatever the two of you can arrange is fine, as long as you are both happy with it. The important thing is to be together when you can (in person, phone, whatever), and enjoy the time you have.

If sex was just a means to orgasm, would you really need a partner at all? There seems to be plenty of... um, "aids" out there so you can do that solo. Yet people still tend to want a partner. So there has to be more to it. I'd say the emotional connection is the driving force behind sex. It's what gets you so worked up that you can't help yourself. It enhances the performance and can get quite passionate and intense. Guess I'm a bit of an oddball too.

You are far from the first person to believe a person is someone they are not. When you care for someone, it is natural to see all the good things in them and to ignore or dismiss a lot of the negatives. It's easy to get swept up in your feelings. That doesn't make you bad or sinful. It's not God punishing you and it's nothing to feel shame over. It was a mistake, one that countless people have made. Those people weren't bad people and most were able to pick themselves up and eventually find someone who made them feel even more special, who shared their values, and who treated them way better. If someone has thought of it, there is probably someone out there that is into it. If you aren't, then it's a sign this person isn't right for you. She seems like a person with a lot to work on. On one hand she tells you that you are spirtually connected. Next conversation she is telling you that you will never be anything. That's clearly someone who is not stable or someone who truly cares about you. You are better off without her. Sending you that video was another sign of how unhealthy she is. Knowing your past, it was a way to hurt you. And that emotional hurt she is causing you is just as painful as any physical pain her proclivities have caused her. Don't have any more contact with her. Ignore her. Eventually she will tire of this, especially if she sees she can't get to you anymore. You were doing well on your way to recovery. So continue doing what you were doing. And please, don't blame yourself. Life isn't about getting knocked down, we all get knocked down. It's about picking yourself back up and pushing forward.

The song is Mean, based off a reviewer who wrote she coudn't sing. So she turned it into song about how some people are just cruel and will always be pathetic. Meanwhile, she's successful and won a Grammy for the song. Now that's perfect revenge.

I'm not a legal expert, but I don't think there would be a problem. There would have to be proof you took it from her and not some other source. There would need to be overwhelming similiaities. And I don't imagine anything you've written would be directly damaging to her. My friend was telling me recently about a video she saw where one song sampled another. Even though it seemed liked the song just copied based on listening to it, the video explained how it was perfectly fine and legal. I imagine there a lot of leeway given in the name of creative freedom.

If you don't have contact with her anymore, and especially in light of how terribly she treated you, what difference does it make what her reaction is? A person who twists everything around so that they are the victim and the other person is guilty, will do it regardless of what you say or do. Being concerned about it is still giving them power of you, handing them another opportunity to hurt you. It's not worth your time or the mental and emotional anguish. They are the one with the issue, and they are the one who will be stuck complaining over and over again. Meanwhile, you have done something to be proud of and shouldn't let the opinion of one stuck up and messed up person get to you. As for what your mutual friends think - if they are really friends they will be proud of you and happy for your success. They shouldn't let one person's opinion sway them. And they probably know what kind of person she is and to not take her ramblings to seriously. That's being a writer. You take inspiration wherever you find. I'm actually impressed. You took a crappy situation and found a way to turn it into something creative and meaningful. As you said, it's not like you copied everything from her. You took a story she told you freely on her own and used it as the genesis of something that sprung from your own mind. You have nothing to be mad at yourself for. The best revenge is moving on and not letting her nonsense get to you anymore. She'll still be stuck with her. Although part of me always has liked the idea of writing somethng and dedicating it to certain people who hurt me. Write it in such a way that it shows how little they seem to be now and how over it I am. As that great poet of our times Taylor Swift (🤨) put it: With that same big, loud opinion / But nobody's listening Washed up and ranting about the same old bitter things ...But all you are is mean

Welcome back. I completely get how you feel. I also made some good friends her nearly 20 years ago and one of them remains very close to me. Posting her helped me through a very tough time, so it's special to me as well. I also agree it can be very encouraging and helpful to not just put the words to paper (or screen I guess), but to put it out there to be seen and felt. So please, bring on the onslaught. Ramble on as much as you'd like. Just hope you don't mind if I poke my nose in here and there. *And don't worry, you're not the only one living with a secret idenity. I would say more, but in the interest of national security, I must remain silent. 😉

You're not crazy, I posted a lot from 2004-2006, probably a little too much. Lol. Even posted a few poems. Life forced me to take an extended break until a few months ago. Glad to see someone else from back then. Hope the years have been kind to you. If you ever need anything, my inbox is always open.

Do we know this was passive aggresive? Do we know he was trying to make himself look like a hero while trying to irritate her? Or perhaps he just wanted to spend time with her and watch a movie together so made a suggestion that was greated with anger? Whitelotus, you're the only one here who actually knows and interacts with her. You know what your aim was in bringing up the movie or the things you say to her. And you know the pattern of her responses. So ask youself if her responses are justified or if they are a reflection of something deeper going on within her. Then ask yourself if this is something you want to deal with. As things are, it is not healthy for either of you. It's up to you to decide what you wish to do about it.

Hence why I put sexless in quotation marks. The term can mean different things to different people in terms of frequency. In this case he admits they can go four weeks (basically a month) without sex. For some people (and probably him in his current state of mind) that can at least feel like a sexless relationship. Lolo, the point here isn't sex. It's to focus on the relationship and being happy and satified with what he has. It's communicating with the partner to make sure they are both fulfilled - physically but even more so emotionally. It's about finding the love and connection that is there. Sex is but one way of demonstrating your love for someone. Rather then focus on that, focus on the infinity of other ways you can do so. Once you do that, wouldn't surprise me if it sets the mood, starts up the fire, and even leads to more sex.

https://abbymedcalf.com/how-to-handle-aggressive-or-confrontational-people/ Think this might help. Understand how you are feeling about their behavior. Understand why they act this way. And be assertive in communicating your needs. "There are lots of reasons why people are confrontational or aggressive. I’d say that almost all of them come down to control. They fear losing control and/or want more control (again, from fear) in a given situation." "Think about it: someone who has high confidence and self-esteem never feels the need to threaten, lose their *** or react defensively. This aggressive person is showing you their low self-esteem and inability to manage themselves. It’s sad..." "Hold your boundary. Be clear about what specific responses you’ll have if they continue to act this way with you in this conversation, and then follow through!"

I find that to be the key revealing part of this. This isn't about you, it's about her. She has somehow got it in her mind that she has to appear tough and aggressive. To be otherwise is to be meek and show weakness. Is there anything in her past that might have caused this attiude? If she has always been this way, then this is who she is. The question you should ask yourself is how much you are willing to put up with? You can calmly try to diffuse situations as they arise, not raising to the bait of her starting these arguements. If you react in anger yourself, you are just giving her fuel to continue being more aggressive in order to prove (mostly to herself) how "strong" she is. You can tiptoe around yourself, afraid to say anything for fear of starting another fight. Or you can examine if this relationship is really healthy for you. If simply suggesting a movie as a way to spend time together is a landmine that will set her off, how will you be able to handle the really tough issues that come in relationships?

https://www.everydayhealth.com/sexual-health/are-sexless-marriages-and-relationships-normal.aspx By the way, "sexless" relationships are not uncommon and not a sign of something wrong with the relationship. Plenty of couples are perfectly happy together despite infrequent sex. Some couples even prefer sleeping in separate bedrooms. The important thing is to communicate your feelings with your partner and figure out what works for the two of you.

It's emotional for men as well. Sex isn't just about the physical act. It is the emotional, mental, and spiritual connection between partners that truly makes it a special and mind blowing experience. Rather then focus on sex, focus on building that connection and rekindling the spark of romance. Spend more time together. Do sweet little surprise gestures to show you are thinking of each other. Pull from the past and find those romantic moments when everything felt perfect. Have those deep conversations that show you really care for each other and can talk about anything and everything. You'll find yourself drawn to each other on a more intimate, personal level. You'll probably end up enjoying it on it's own without the sex, and there's a greater chance that spark will find it's way into the bedroom as well. As I've always said, stimulate the heart and mind, and the body will follow. Also, don't compare yourself to anyone else. Everyone's situation is different and appearances can be deceiving. Yes, he may seem to have a wild and great life on the outside. But who says he is happy about it on the inside? Sex with different random women sounds great in fantasyland, but in real life those people tend to be quite lonely. They never experience the full depth of love. On the other hand, you have someone you've been with for a long time. You get to know there is someone there for you each day, someone who cares about you and who knows you inside and out. He may experience a woman's touch, but you get to experience the full power of a woman's love.

Glad things have gotten better for you. Sometimes people don't realize just how much their actions, even seemingly innocent ones, affect those around them. But I think given the chance, most people are willing to say they are sorry and work on making things better. You just need to communicate and talk with each other. Hope things continue well for both of you. And may you show that game whose boss!

Is there any other reason you would be thinking of moving on from him? Because a person not writing detailed texts doesn't seem like a substantial reason to call it quits. I don't text at all as I prefer actually talking and hearing a persons voice. And I always thought the point of text was a short, quick message. Long messages are for emails. Regardless, I don't think I would be very happy if someone rejected me based solely on my preferred communication style. Rather then focus on one thing, look at the entire relationship. Do you enjoy spending time together? Do you have a lot in common - similar interests or values? Does he overall treat you well, with kindness and respect? Do you make each other smile and laugh? Does he make the effort to spend time with you, finding ways to show he is thinking of you? Those are the things that matter. If he's making an effort to do those things, then he is showing he's there. And those things are far more meaningful and touching then any length of text.

Back in the old days there was a forum just for poetry. Where ever you want to post it, keep it up because I'd like to read more. Some of the most magical moments I've experienced have come simply from gazing into someone's eyes. It really was like a infinity of possibilities opening up to me in that moment. Either that or I was traveling through the multiverse. 😁