ShySoul

I think it comes down to motivation. I'm a guy that is naturally on the sensitive side. I don't like seeing anyone hurt. I've always related better with women and been closer to them. Plus I was close to my mother growing up and know the things that she had to go through. So my instinct is generally to protect and help women. That's not to say they can't help themselves or that I'm trying to be the knight in shining armor. I have called out a woman for unhealthy behavior. I think for some people it's just a genuine desire to help a person who is hurting. Likewise, there will be men that do allow themsevles to be taken advantage of. They may lack self confidence. Their motivation might be appear the hero to get that boost of confidence and approval. Maybe they are more concerned with appearing like the strong male protector. I think they are more likely to fall prey to women using them. On the female side, it's the same. There will be women who genuinely appreciate a man who is willing to come to their aid when they need help. There will be women who try to manipulate men for their own benefit. There will be women who refuse any help from a man, thinking that makes them look weak. There are all kinds of women, each with their own motivations. Every combination happens, it all depends on the people involved. I like to think that in general, like attracts like. More toxic people who like to create drama will more often find themselves with other toxic people, creating the drama they both crave. The rescurer types will eventually find another rescuerer and they will mutually help each other. People will probably have to go through a relationship or two with their opposing kind, but in the end the universe has a way of balancing everything out.

My parents divorced after being together for 25 years. They essentially raised three boys - their child (me) and her two sons from prior relationships. They had been through a lot as well. Outside observers probably couldn't see all the problems that were there. But there were problems, believe me. And I think both my parents knew that, they just managed to avoid dealing with it for a long time. But at some point it gets to be too much. My mother was the one who saw she had to do something different. It wasn't pretty and all parties could have handled it better. But in the long run, it was better for them. As blindsided as you might feel by this, things haven't been well for some time. Sounds like you both avoided the topic. She shut down on being intimate or physical. You buried yourself in work. It masked the real feelings underneath. But again, it got to be too much. Things were bound to come out eventually. The question know is how do you both choose to deal with it? For your sake, and especially for your children's, please try to be mature and respectful. I can say from experience, that it's not good when people aren't. Acting out of pain, anger, and fear only creates more problems. It's okay to have all those feelings. It's okay to be hurting and confused. But you can't let those emotions control you. If you need to, take time to be alone and calm down. Then try to go over things peacefully. Figure out what you want and what you can handle. And yes, explore legal options as well. Right now everything is fresh and you're probably.feeling a lot of different things. Don't rush in any direction and do something you might regret. Take time to sort things out for yourself. And know that we want the best for you. I'm sorry you have to go through this at all.

Do you still see any way you could be with her, knowing everything you currently know? If you can, then try the counseling. Professional help would probably be able to help both of you understand and address the feelings the two of you are going through right now. It would probably be able to bring to light issues that the two of you might not be seeing. And even if things don't work out, it might be good to help you process everything. If you do go through with it, be clear that BOTH of you are going to need to approach it with full honesty and openness for there to be the hope of improving your situation. This is a personal choice though. The only one that can decide what is best for you, is you. If you decide you can't accept what she's done, then there is no shame in ending things. I understand that you are hurting and angry. I get that there must be a rage building up in you and that you probably want to scream and punch something (well, someone). But is violence really going to solve anything? Beyond that momentary sense of relief, does it make the situation better? She will still have cheated and you will still be faced with trying to figure out what happened. She will be more likely to defend him, using your actions as justification for hers and turning things back on you. He will get to play the role of victim, claiming you are a brute who just attacked him. He could claim that's why your wife didn't want to be with you. Even if it's all nonsense, you'd just be giving them material they can use against you. And sadly, a lot of people are likely to buy it. Even removing them from this, is that the kind of role model you want to be for the children? Teach them that violence is the way to work out there problems? That ego and proving your manhood is how to get satisfaction? Plus, who says he got aways with it? Do we know what his wife and children thought of all this? His wife might be asking him questions now and he might be having to answer to her.

Sex involves two people and thus should involve the mutual enjoyment of both parties. If one person is not enjoying it, then it shouldn't be happening. You are not a toy or object. You are a person with your own thoughts, feelings, and desires. A loving partner should be trying to make the experience good for you, not leaving you feeling worse afterwards. Don't accept this. Let him know it's not acceptable. Make clear that the porn is causing a problem and see if you can figure out why he's turn to it so much. And if he would rather have the porn then the real woman he is with, then he can have it. You deserve better.

I think I said this in your last post, it takes as long as it needs to take. There's no timeframe and it's different for everyone. It's not even linear, where one day it's all better. Eventually you will go through a day where it isn't on your mind. Then the next you might feel terrible, like you are starting all over. But you will get better in time. Yes, it might be way more time then we would like. But it does get better. And it does sound like you are moving in the right direction. So keep pushing forward. Two steps forward for every one back. It's taken me months to get over someone. Even then hearing a particular song for years would take me right back too all those memories and questions, sadness and regret. Even when I had long accepted what happened and even realized us not being together was a good thing, I could still be swept away by those emotions. But it got to the point where it wasn't hurtful as much as it was nostalgic. I could separate the negative feelings that held me back from the postive memories and lessons I took from the experience. Eventually, you'll get there too. Normal is what you make it to be. It's not about anyone else's definition, it's what you define it to be for you. So do the things you want to do. Do what the things that make you feel good and puts a smile on your face. And if you need time to stop and reflect, or even to have a good cry, take it. Just don't drown yourself in the tears.

Yogacat, your thread reminded me of another song. Think this says it all. So don't be afraid to cry get down as far as you can go / Let the river rage on by and the wind blow If you pay your dues in darkness / You'll appreciate the light Cause a deep down low makes level feel so high

How long do you believe this has been going on? Have there been other issues in the marriage? Without more information on her or your relationship, don't think it's fair to judge her to harshly for her actions. I believe cheating is a way of distracting yourself from facing other issues that you may not want to face. For her, there is something missing, either in the relationship or simply within her. There is a hole in her life and she's trying to fill it. Perhaps after 14 years of marriage and raising four children, she's longing for something else to break out of the routine of being wife and mother? How much else does she have going on? Does she work? Have any close friends? Activities that are just for her and not about the family? Maybe she's missing the excitement of her younger days. It could be any number of reasons, and it probably isn't aimed at hurting you. That, of course, doesn't make it right or make it hurt any less. While I understand the pain you must be in, please try to be civil. At this point, I think the top prioirty should be doing what's best for the children. They are innocent in all this and are the ones that need to be taken care of. They can also be the bright spot that brings you joy in an otherwise bad time. And I would tell the other guys wife, if she doesn't know already. It's not fair to her to be left in the dark. Their home is already broken, she just hasn't been informed of it yet.

Ever heard of the Five Love Languages? https://5lovelanguages.com/learn Not everybody expresses their feelings in the same manner. Some people are much more verbal in expressing their feelings. They will have have no problem saying the word love or any number of compliments expressing their feelings. Others may not be as comfortable, preferring their actions to do the talking for them. It seems he might not be big on talking about emotions. He takes for granted that you'll know because of how things currently stand. In his mind, if you were exclusive, that was a way of saying how he felt. Formally asking to be his girlfriend may have felt unnecssary. To him, obviously he cared for you a lot because he was willing to only be with you. I'm also curious what his past relationship history is like. Or what kind of relationships has he been around (parents, family, close friends, etc.). Could there be something he's seen that would make him cautious of using the word love? None of this is to say you are wrong in your feelings. If you feel it, then it's real and valid. If it's been a year, I would want to be clear on where things stand as well. I would hope the person would be able to say they love me. But I also know there are a million reasons why people do what they do that may not be a reflection of how they feel about me. I'd look at the whole relationship. Is he showing you that he loves you? Does he do the little things that show he thinks of you and is trying to make you happy? Does he demonstrate that he really knows you, the person you are at your core? Does he remember things about you? And most importantly, is this enough for you or do need that more verbal aspect? If you feel you need more from him, talk it over with him. He may not realize that's a problem simply because it's not how his mind works. And if you still can't make it work, it's okay to walk away. We all deserve someone to love us the way we need to be loved.

For what it's worth, I went back and looked at your last post on her and the message you wanted to send her. I didn't have a problem with it. I thought it was a sweet gesture and something a supportive friend would do. I've done something similar in the past and it was well received. How something is written isn't as important as the thought and feeling behind it. If it comes from a place of honesty and compassion, the actual words/length/style is secondary. And the ultimate goal is to make the receipt feel better. So it's not about what others would write, it's about what you want to say and want you think that particular person would want to hear. Some like flowery language, others don't. As long as it made her smile, that's what mattered.

Armyguy, if nothing is working maybe the only thing left is to just do nothing? You can't force yourself to stop having feelings for someone. You can't force her to like you back, no matter what you do. You can't force yourself to be interested in anyone else. These things have to happen on it's own when it's right. In trying to plan things out and figure out how you are suppose to do everything, you're just putting more pressure on yourself. So when things don't happen as you'd like, it just becomes more fustrating for you. That fustration then leads you to overthink and plan for. Thus a cycle of neverending fustration is born. As contradictory as it sounds, I've found doing nothing is often the best course of action. Just be you and do what you internal feel is the right thing to do. I've been advised in the past to move on and meet someone else. But my heart wasn't ready for it. I've been advised how to interact with a woman. And yet, I knew what they said wasn't right for that particular woman. I'm glad I didn't listen because I ended up with some great experiences by following my own way. You've tried all these other pieces of advice, talk about what other people say you should do. But that's what others believe. In the end, we have to follow our own heart and do what's right for us.

Always felt this helped put things in perspective: I won't break my back for a million bucks / I can't take to my grave So why put off for tomorrow / What I could get done today Catch up on all the things I've always missed / Just start livin', that's the next thing on my list

From what I've seen I think some people tend to have addicitive personalities. They throw themselves into whatever thier focus is on. I imagine an alcoholic might be prone to this. I've also known former alcoholics to do it with religion, becoming devout and born again. I understand wanting to do a good job with your work. I especially understand feeling like leaving things to others means they won't be done properly. But you can't do or control everything. Trying to will eventually burn you out. My best friend became so stressed over work it made her sick to the point she ended up in the hospital. That wouldn't help anyone - you, your family, or your co-workers. Everyone needs to take time for themselves and appreciate what really matters in life. There will always be more work to do, another meeting or presentation. The business will keep on going, trading out workers as needed. But your children are only young for so long. Don't lose the moments with them. When you look back on life it's those moments that will mean the most. Make time for them. Family comes first.

Sorry that happened. File it under "not meant to be" and know there are plenty of other guys out there that will keep in touch and initiate. You'll find someone better suited for you who will be able to fit you into their schedule.

Thanks for the article. I know I used to hear jokes about all her songs being about breakups with people she dated, but it actually makes sense. She's good at taking real personal feeling and putting them down in a way others can relate to. Haven't followed her in years, but most of the songs I did like from her tended to be the sadder ones. I'll take the heartache in Back to December over the rainbows and unicorns of Me. Well said. Life is the full spectrum of emotions. Sometimes you to connect with the down to appreciate the good.

Or culture to culture. There's no universal standards and whatever is in fashion today can fall out of fashion at any time. Physical standards are ever evolving. What's important is that the person you're with can appreciate your form of beauty - inside and out. Thanks for the history listen lolita. I wonder why that topic never came up any time I had to study Ancient Greece? 😉

On one hand, I easily get annoyed with superficial conversations and crave deep meaninful conversations. On the other hand, I don't like to open up too much unless I feel I know and can trust you. So it's a mixed bag in my book. Overall though, I'd lean on the side of having those conversations early, as soon as you are both comfortable. Deeper talks are when you get to know the real person, who they are at their core. You see just what their values are and where they stand on things that matter to you, things that will determine just how far this is likely to go. Why wouldn't you want to know those things? My personal experience comes more from a get to know someone as friends then devlop romantic interest in each other perspective, but I think these topics have come up fairly early. Relationships come up as a topic naturally and I try to be an open book on my views. Generally that openness and honesty gets reflected back. Of course, since we're just friends (at least at that point) that's bound to relieve some of the pressure and tension. I'm sure it's a little harder when it's a date situation. I feel like everything is more sped up these days. People need an answer now and have to know where this is going and if it will work or if they are wasting their time and should just drop it to move onto the next potential person. I'm wondering if that's what you are feeling? Could it be tied to the dating app culture of immediately swipe this way to accept or swipe the other to reject? There's always another profile, another possibility. So if I need to figure out right now by asking these questions if I should invest the time or if I should move on. Personally, I think a lot could be gained by slowing down.

Of course I'd be saying these things if a knew you in real life. As someone who has always been harder on themselves then anyone else, I've spent far too much time saying similar things to myself as you do. I've beat myself up over and over on being stupid and foolish. I've convinced myself I would fail at things to the point I did fail. And I've questioned why anyone would love, me, especially a women. I get how you feel. But I also know that all those times I was wrong, just as you are wrong about being incompetent. You are a good person, worthy of so much love. You have strengths and skills, you just have to look deep and find it within you. I have a feeling if I knew you in person, I'd likely be drawn to you and more supportive. I'm drawn to someone more modest who might need a little confidence boost. You actually seem like a good person to me, just wish you could see it for yourself. Agreed. Fantasies, particularly sexual ones, tend to be outlets for things we feel are missing in our day to day life. If you can find a healthy way to gain that confidence and control in your life, that should help with these thoughts. And again, there is nothing wrong with having a fantasy and even playing it out in a safe, consenual partnership.

Do whatever you're comfortable with and can handle doing. Be nice and polite, just as you would with anyone. Anything else is up to you. If you aren't up for conversations, maybe feel uncomfrotable around him, that's natural. You don't have to be best friends and hang out alot. Nor do you need to avoid him. Just do what you are okay with. If that means just a polite hi and leaving it at that, then that's fine. All the uneasiness you're feelig, he's probably feeling some of it too. So try not to make it a bigger deal. There's no need to be nervous or react strongly. Just stay calm, relax, and go on with your day. Even if it's akward at first, it will get better and you'll be fine.

I also feel that if others perceive something about me by the way I dress or look, that has just as much to do with them and their personal opinions and biases. They have every right to feel as the are going to feel. But I learned long ago to not judge a book by its cover. How many tech companies create devices that change how people live, make bundles of money, and have lax dress codes? How many times has someone been dressed up nice and proper, only to be found out to be a rude jerk? We're in an age where people can work from home in pjs and be just as productive as wearing a suit in an office. Appearances can be deceiving. How you look on the outside may not be accurate to who you are on the inside.

For me how I look does not make feel good in the slightest. I will do what I need to for basic health and hygiene. That's just being respectful to myself and ensuring I can stay healthy enough to keep living. Otherwise, I couldn't care less. Clothes are there to protect me from the elements (and protect the eyes of the innocent from a sight that doesn't need to be seen 😉). They don't reflect the real me. My physical appearance is also not the real me. So I honestly don't see how looking better would make me feel better about myself. If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, what does looking good even mean? Good by whose standards? What I would consider looking good will vary wildly with what others will think. If its all a matter of individual tastes and preferences, is it something I really want to devote much time to? If I'm more comfortable in jeans and a t-shirt then the latest trend, what difference does it make? I've always been more focused on the inner world. The body is a shell. Who we are lies within... our thoughts, our emotions. I feel good when I can find peace with all the swirling thoughts in my head. I feel good when I am acting from my heart and helping someone in need. I feel good when I use my imagination to build something creative. It all comes from traits within me, not outside of me. And I feel the same with others. I won't be able to say what you were wearing five minutes after we part. But I will be able to say how you made me feel and the kind of person I sensed you were. I'd actually say its the reverse for me. When I feel good, I think I look better. Think that in general. When a person is truly happy with themself, their aura shines. It doesn't matter the outfit, the body, the accessories.. they have a natural confidence and belief in who they are and what they are doing. That will draw people to them. I keep the same look on the outside. But its when I've stopped caring about how I appear and just focus on being the real me inside, that's when I've got compliments on both sides - internal and external.

Armyguy, I understand how it is when you really like someone. Even when you know its not going to work out, you still want to cling to that hope. You still believe something will change. When someone gets in your heart, you can't just move on and try to meet someone else. Your heart wouldn't be in it if you tried. So don't try. Don't try with her and don't try to meet anyone else. Right now should be about you. Put a pause on relationships at all. Give yourself and your heart time off. Take time to feel all the emotions you are feeling and go where that rollercoaster takes you. Take as much time as you need. This is your story, no one else. Be as close to her as you want, while respecting her wishes if she isn't interested romantically. Be a friend because (contrary to what many will say) being friends with someone is usually a good thing. Focus on enjoying your life and having fun yourself. Eventually, you will be okay and find yourself in a better mindset.

You said you were done and didn't message him. He returned in kind. Sounds like both of you came to the conclusion you didn't want to continue. You were perfectly justified in being upset. In a relationship you actually want to be together. If he wasn't able to be around and spend time with you, then he wasn't in the right space to be having a relationship. You shouldn't be expected to stay in a situation that clearly wasn't making you happy. In my opinion it may have been better to actually tell him it was over and why. That could have provided the closure you now seek. It also would have been nicer to him and may have left him with something to think about. As it stands now, he may actually see you as the one who left him and not realize what his actions did to you. Not saying you were wrong, just that clean breaks tend to be better for both parties. Reaching out to him is not necessary. However, its not about what is necessary, its about what will make you feel better. If you believe you'll be better with one last contact, saying your piece to him... You should do it. If you are okay letting this be how it ends, then don't talk to him. Every person has there own way of healing and finding closure. Do what feels right for you.

Sorry for your loss. If you do get another one, I'm sure it will be loved tremendously.

When I was 22 I chatted with a 14/15 year old girl online. We communicated on and off for four or five years. I never tried to hit on her or insinuate there could or should be anything between us. I just thought she was a remarkably mature, intelligent and fun person whose conversations I enjoyed. Was I being creepy or doing something wrong? I find it interesting how quick people are to label someone they don't know and haven't interacted with. Could she be a bad person who he should avoid? Sure. Could she be an okay person who made a really bad mistake? Sure. It's good to be careful and cautious, but why assume the worse of people. Not everyone is a predator with ulterior motives.

I just mentioned her age because I knew you were bound to get people saying that's inappropriate and telling you to forget her for that very reason. The point was to say that it doesn't have to be an issue depending on the people involved. The lie is the real sticking point here. It wasn't right and wasn't fair for you. But trying to put myself in her shoes, I can understand her reasoning. You see the instant reaction everyone here had - she is a creep who is manipulating and grooming you. It's entirely possible that was the reaction she thought you would have. And once you start with a lie, it becomes harder and harder to stop. Telling you the truth would lead you havig to decide if you were okay with her age, would hurt you from the lie, and risk ended a friendship. Perhaps she was just too scared to face all that. Doesn't make it any less wrong or sad, but I'm just trying to think of all possibilities before reaching a conculsion. I'd look at the entire relationship. Has she said or done other things that you find questionable? Has she tried to pressure you in any way? Has she actually tried to scam you? When found out, did she try to cover more or is her explanation in line with what you know of her? You didn't even say if you were officially in a relationship with her or where exactly things stand in terms of romance. I gather you are at least considering it. When did those feelings start coming up, from either side? One moment or action doesn't define a person or a relationship. It's the pattern that counts. So look at the pattern and decide just how well you think you know each other. I will agree though to not get too attached if you have not met in person. Having a friend online is fine. But don't get ahead of yourself and think there is a deep romance until you are physically around the person. In the end, none of us know her or her motivations. All we can do is speculate. You are the one who actually knows her. So trust your instincts. If you can't take the lie, then stop things. But if you still believe you can continue talking with her, then do so. I'd be cautious, as someone who lies should understand they need to earn that trust back. The call is yours.