ShySoul

You said you were done and didn't message him. He returned in kind. Sounds like both of you came to the conclusion you didn't want to continue. You were perfectly justified in being upset. In a relationship you actually want to be together. If he wasn't able to be around and spend time with you, then he wasn't in the right space to be having a relationship. You shouldn't be expected to stay in a situation that clearly wasn't making you happy. In my opinion it may have been better to actually tell him it was over and why. That could have provided the closure you now seek. It also would have been nicer to him and may have left him with something to think about. As it stands now, he may actually see you as the one who left him and not realize what his actions did to you. Not saying you were wrong, just that clean breaks tend to be better for both parties. Reaching out to him is not necessary. However, its not about what is necessary, its about what will make you feel better. If you believe you'll be better with one last contact, saying your piece to him... You should do it. If you are okay letting this be how it ends, then don't talk to him. Every person has there own way of healing and finding closure. Do what feels right for you.

Sorry for your loss. If you do get another one, I'm sure it will be loved tremendously.

When I was 22 I chatted with a 14/15 year old girl online. We communicated on and off for four or five years. I never tried to hit on her or insinuate there could or should be anything between us. I just thought she was a remarkably mature, intelligent and fun person whose conversations I enjoyed. Was I being creepy or doing something wrong? I find it interesting how quick people are to label someone they don't know and haven't interacted with. Could she be a bad person who he should avoid? Sure. Could she be an okay person who made a really bad mistake? Sure. It's good to be careful and cautious, but why assume the worse of people. Not everyone is a predator with ulterior motives.

I just mentioned her age because I knew you were bound to get people saying that's inappropriate and telling you to forget her for that very reason. The point was to say that it doesn't have to be an issue depending on the people involved. The lie is the real sticking point here. It wasn't right and wasn't fair for you. But trying to put myself in her shoes, I can understand her reasoning. You see the instant reaction everyone here had - she is a creep who is manipulating and grooming you. It's entirely possible that was the reaction she thought you would have. And once you start with a lie, it becomes harder and harder to stop. Telling you the truth would lead you havig to decide if you were okay with her age, would hurt you from the lie, and risk ended a friendship. Perhaps she was just too scared to face all that. Doesn't make it any less wrong or sad, but I'm just trying to think of all possibilities before reaching a conculsion. I'd look at the entire relationship. Has she said or done other things that you find questionable? Has she tried to pressure you in any way? Has she actually tried to scam you? When found out, did she try to cover more or is her explanation in line with what you know of her? You didn't even say if you were officially in a relationship with her or where exactly things stand in terms of romance. I gather you are at least considering it. When did those feelings start coming up, from either side? One moment or action doesn't define a person or a relationship. It's the pattern that counts. So look at the pattern and decide just how well you think you know each other. I will agree though to not get too attached if you have not met in person. Having a friend online is fine. But don't get ahead of yourself and think there is a deep romance until you are physically around the person. In the end, none of us know her or her motivations. All we can do is speculate. You are the one who actually knows her. So trust your instincts. If you can't take the lie, then stop things. But if you still believe you can continue talking with her, then do so. I'd be cautious, as someone who lies should understand they need to earn that trust back. The call is yours.

How well have you gotten to know him? Why did you start talking to him outside of class? Him kissing you may have been inapproriate given that he's your instructor, but that doesn't necessarily make him a creep. You are both adults so this is legal and entirely up to the two of you. You responded to his attempts, for whatever reason, so it's not like he was forcing you into it. You've known him for a year, so unless he was playing a really long game, it probably wasn't his plan all along to seduce you or anything, We'd need more information before we can faily perscribe a motive to him. For all we know you just got along well and he felt you were someone he could talk to. Maybe feelings developed naturally and he really does care about you. The important thing, for this or any other situation, is to figure out what you want. Only pursue something if it's what you truly want and believe will make you happy.

That's not a good reason to have a relationship of any kind. You should want, and deserve, to be with someone who you share a special connection with. It should be with someone where there is a mutal love and respect, someone who you care about and want to have these experiences with. You admit to not being emotionally ready for something, so why would you put yourself in that position? It's not fair for you as you'd be giving these precious firsts to someone you don't really have feelings for. And it's not fair to him as he might become attached to someone who has no interest in a future together. It's natural to want to continue. At your age I was just like you - introverted with few friends and zero relationship experience. For that matter, zero hope of anything happening. I wished everyday to find someone, to be able to know what it all felt like. But I knew the moment had to be right and it had to be with the right person. To give into something just for the sake of finally having the experience, would have left me feeling icky with myself. I don't think I coud have fully enjoyed it. But when the right person did come around, it was perfect and made even better because I had waited and saved it all for them. Listen to what your heart is saying you should do. If you have doubts, it's probably not the right thing to pursue. When it's right, you just know it's right.

First off, age is just a number that indicates when we were born. It doesn't say anything about us, our personality or our level of maturity. Some people at 15 are more mature then others at 45. The age gap doesn't have to mean anything if the two of you don't want it to. My brother once had a relationship with someone ten years younger then him. She was 15-18 while they were together. She was very mature for her age, both in terms of looking older then her age and that she was already taking college classes. She came from a very open-minded, liberal background. So her speaking to someone that young also doesn't have to indicate there is something wrong. It could just be a matter that you clicked well and she was embarrased by it, scared that she might chase you off because you would find it weird or uncomfortable. That she lied about is a problem though. Have you talked with her on why she did? If not, you need to do so. I'm guessing it started off innocent, but became harder and harder to say anything as time went on. Once you start a lie, you often end up having to keep the lie going because it's more difficult to extract yourself from the situation. Though if anything is going to happen long term, you need honesty and she needs to come clean. As for the other guy, every relationship is different. Every relationship is unique and special in its own way. You would not be a replacement, it would be an entirely new situation for both of you. Yes, they had a special chemisty that won't exist between the two of you. But you also have a special chemistry with her that she didn't have with him. If you're uncomfortable with this, talk to her about it. That's what friends do. That's what couples do. They talk about how they are feeling. But remember, it's not about what relationship she had with someone in the past. It's about the relationship she is choosing to have now, in this moment.

I agree, you write beautifully. Have you considered channeling your emotions into something creative? A journal, poetry, stories... I think you'd be good at it. It's also a good way to work through the things on your mind. It's often easier to express yourself in writing through characters that aren't you but can speak with the voice you might not be comfortable using out loud.

In his own words he is a "content" man. I'm guessing this is where he is in his life and he's fine with it, so his actions would probably be the same regardless of who he is around. Always been my experience that people are who they are and rarely change. Their actions are pretty much the same regardless of other people involved. And the ones that will change or go out of their way, it's for someone they share a long history with. Really, it's all speculation that's irrelavant now. Mamabear, as long as you are happy, that's all that matters. You wasn't right and there is a better guy out there for you.

You've just gotten out of an abusive relationship. You also got out of a ten year relationship. It really would be wise for you to take time out of relationships all together. Take time for yourself, enjoy being single. It's natural to want some form of attachment. But you'll be better off in the long run if you take the time to be on your own and see you can be just as happy without being reliant on someone else. I've seen people rush into other relationships. It usually ends pretty badly. Not make that mistake.

I too often think about fading away and disappearing, wondering if it would really change or impact anything or anyone around me. I would never commit suicide though. But I knew how overwhelming the emptiness can be. And I've spoken to a fair number of people who struggle with similar thoughts. So if it's any comfort, know that you aren't alone. Therapy is not always the go to solution that it's often made out to be. There are plenty of bad therapists who can actually make the situation worse. I'm sorry you had to encounter one like that. Know that was on her, it wasn't you. Therapy can be good for some people, but it takes the right therapist matched with the right patient at the right time and saying the right things to someone who is ready to listen. In this regard, do what is right for you. If you think you need, pursue it. Look for ways that might be more affordable. But also know that in the end the strength to get through this will not come from external sources, it's within you. You've been the strong one enduring things this whole time. You're stronger then you probably realize. And that strength can and will make things better. It's just a matter of taking things day by day and focusing on one thing at a time. If you are having issues with your mother (something I completely understand), best course is to just avoid her. Focus on getting out. Even if that means spending hours in a park or library (two low pressure places for socializing), do it. Is there an activity you enjoy? Something that gets you out? It can be solo so to not cause you anxiety. The point is to get your mind off of what bothers you and onto something that makes you feel good. What kind of work are you looking for? There are plenty of jobs that are geared towards written communication. Probably 80-90% of my day is either working by myself or communicating by email. I've also struggled with conersations, feeling like I have nothing to contribute. It's usually because I don't share much in common with those I'm around. I'd advise not thinking about it. Doing so just causes more anxiety and you'll freeze up more in a self perpetuating cycle. Instead focus on you. Is there something you are passionate about? Books, animals, plays.... anything? Dig into that. Then find someplace that you can explore that topic. I find that when it's a topic I'm passionate about and I'm with someone else passionate about the same thing, it at least helps warm the ice and makes conversation a little easier as there is a built in topic we are already excited by. Hang in there. Every house starts shapeless and the foundation has to be laid piece by piece. You can do it. One day I'll bet you don't just see a house, you'll have built yourself a mansion.

Open, honest communication free of judgement is the key to most things. Tell him just what you said to us. Say you are willing to try whatever he wants, but that you want to make to make sure you are both okay with it and enjoy the experience. Make clear that either of you are free to stop something if it is no longer pleasurable for you. And set any groundrules for things that either of you may not be up for. That's simply partners showing love and respect towards each other. Otherwise, have fun. In and out of the bedroom, just continue to show him love and support. He feels safe enough to let you into something very private, so you are doing something right. Keep doing it.

"Happiness ain't prison / But there's freedom in a broken heart" - Running Just In Case, Miranda Lambert I think if you look at the lyrics for sadder songs they tend to be deeper and capture universal feelings we all feel but don't always have the words to express, especially when we are mired in our own personal sorrow. It helps us to better understand ourselves and what we are going through. Sadder songs cut deeper and make us stop and think more. Plus it's just good to get your feelings out there. Having that cry over a good sad song that you can relate to can be cathartic. It's a bit like having a really great friend. You love having fun and laughing with them. But it's when you can talk them about serious matters, trusting them with the not so fun stuff, that you really know how deep and strong your friendship is. It's great to have fun with an upbeat song, but the sadder ones touch something within you that strikes a chord and sticks with you. Of course my tastes lean to country music, the music of pain. So I might be a bit biased.

I have a feeling that was sarcastic advice. 😉 The fact that you said this though again shows me that you aren't a bad person and really have no intention of living these fantasies out. Even in the fantasy, you aren't willing to go too far. It's not about harming the woman. It's an outlet for the sense of helplessness and lack of control you feel in your own life. Sexually you lean dominant. That's fine. It's not something wrong with you that needs to be cured with professional help. It's an aspect of your natural personality that you need to come to terms with instead of rejecting or repressing. The bigger issue here is your feelings about yourself. You need to focus more on your strengths, see and lean into the good qualities you have. You need to concentrate your energy into doing the things you love and make you happy instead of spending it on negative thoughts and attacking yourself. What counts most isn't what others think of us, it's what we think of ourselves. As long as you continue to believe your not worthy of having someone, you won't. Believe in yourself though, and there I'm sure there is an awesome person that will come out and blow everyone away.

Forget what some people say. Whatever some people say, there will be other people who say the opposite. And others will say something completely different. None of these people are in your position either. They are not you. They are not her. And even if their words work in some cases, they might not be right for your situation. Instead listen to what she says. If she isn't interested romantically, don't get your hopes up that you can change her mind. If she wants to be friends and hang out together, then be happy being her friend. Personally, I'd rather have someone I care about in my life as a friend then not at all. If she already knows, why add more tension or drama? Enjoy the friendship you have for what it is. I had someone cancel on me multiple times. A couple of those were valid (family unexpectantly came to town, schol/work scheduling). One time wasn't which I confronted her about and she owned up to. Even with all of that, she was always interested in me. Things can happen, life can get in the way. Some people are also just really poor communicators and planners. Just because someone cancels doesn't mean they aren't interested (be it romantically or just friendship). Better to take it as a case by case basis.

Yes, money is a part of the issue. But I stand by it not being the core of the issue. It's like all the posts from people complaining they don't have enough sex in a relationship. Lack of sex is part of the problem. But then you find there is no emotional intimacy going on and that is what leads to lack of sex in the first place. The sex isn't what needs to be addressed, it's the other stuff that needs to be focused on first. In this case, I think if the guy had offered her something from Cracker Barrel or started to make plans to see her, it would have calmed her concerns down. Of he had demonstrated how he was working to improve himself. Instead every little thing indicated he wasn't willing to do all the things a person does to court another. I mean, he was willing to buy his mother a gift but not the person he was there on a date with? Relationship was used in a general sense as a lead in the actual point of paying what you can, as long as you make an effort. It doesn't matter if it's a romantic relationship, friendship, date, or whatever... you put in the effort. If one side feels they are being taken advantage of or that the other side isn't holding up their end, then the pairing isn't going to work out. Mamabear, everyone will have a different take on what happened, on what you did or didn't do, what he was feeling, etc. The only one that knows for sure what he is thinking is him. The only one that knows what you are thinking is you. In the end, he wasn't right for you. The rest of it doesn't matter. There will be someone else better for you. Just continue being you and being happy with your life. It's fine to be sad or question what happened. But don't let it get you to far down. This was just a detour to your real destination and one day you'll look back on it as a crazy story to tell about that guy you went to Cracker Barrel with. And geez, now I really want to go Cracker Barrel. To bad they aren't around this area. 😉

I hear you. When I was a child I'd get angry with myself over losing a board game or getting (gasp) an A-. I expected so much of myself that it was really an impossible standard. It took years to try to shift perspectives. I still have to be careful about avoiding putting myself in situations where that perfectionist and competitive streak start to come up. I agree with Batya, figure out what are the musts on the list. Take care of those first. Then see what are the things you'd like to have done and what things really can wait. Do what you can, but don't overstress yourself. Delegate if you have to. Self care shouldn't become an all or nothing proposition that stresses you out on how to do it. That kind of defeats the point, lol. As a friend always says to me, start small. Do the little things here and there. You don't need a full scale production out of it. The little things eventually add up.

Hi Rainbows. Sorry for not responding. I believe that was about the time I got Covid, so I must have been a bit distracted. Was going through old posts and thought I'd respond. Better late then never. I could never figure out how to define what the two of us were. It was way more then friends, but never hit official relationship. I wouldn't say we dated in the traditional sense as it was a bit long distance and only spent a handful of times in person. Both of us had been hurt from prior experiences so were cautious. Ultimately, I was willing to go all in on it, but she let her fears prevent her. That's not just my opinion, she eventually admitted it herself. Looking back I think the two of us were attracted to each other and really did love each other. i think we we complimented each other and were what we needed at that time. She pushed me to take a chance in pursuing something I felt was worth it. And I was the solid one who encouraged and supported her, who showed her there was better then what she had dealt with before. It wasn't a relationship to last forever, but it was the right relationship and the right fit for the time. In the end I'll always say to just be yourself. That doesn't mean do nothing. It means being happy with yourself and doing what you feel is right in your heart. If you believe something is worth pursuing, do it. If you believe it's best to hold back, then do it. There is a time and place for everything. The trick is to trust your instinct in knowing which is time it is.

Asking for a relationship within the next week is not taking things slow. With respect to your family member, we're not sure if the iron is plugged in let alone being hot. You just signed a lease, you barely know each other, you just got out of a relationship... none of these are signs that you should leap into a relationship. The risks would seem to outweigh the benefits at this time. I wouldn't rule out something happening down the line. But let it be down the line, when you are sure. Remember, good things come to those who wait.

I've found one of the secrets to life is to stop comparing yourself to others. Some people people find ways to be super productive and get more done by 8am then other people can in a week, Some people are able to handle absurd situations with no sweat. I say good for them. But that doesn't mean they are doing something right and the rest of us aren't. The important thing is to focus on you're life and do the best you can. Give yourself a break. You don't have to be a superhero who does everything. Realize you're human and can only do so much. Do what you can and learn to be okay with it. Life won't fall apart if you can't get to eveything. It's far more important to be happy with yourself and enjoy life. If a few things don't get cross of the checklist, so be it. True and beautifully stated. I should probably do that a bit more myself.

Was the documentary done in conjunction with his book from about that time, "If I did it?" I never read the book because I didn't want to support or have anything to do with someone profitting off such a horrible event. And while I'm sure the film is well done, I find it too disturbing to get into the mind of a murderer. I don't want to say I felt happy at his death, but I certainly didn't shed any tears. Amazing how what you experience in childhood sticks with you. When you grow up in an abusive environment, it becomes normal to you. You naturally love your parents. They take care of you and you look up to them thinking they know what is best. So you rationalize that their acts must be out of love, because what else could it be? Actually, it's amazing how mallable people's opinions can be. Say something enough times and most people will start to think it's true, even if it doesn't make logical sense. For some it's hearing what they want to hear. For some it's a way of coping and surviving. What can be confusing and complicated is realizing that a person's actions reflect more on them then on you. Someone who abuses is stuck on whatever happened to them to lead them to believe this is an acceptable way of showing love. It's not about the victim. But the victim, especially a young one, often can't see that. They internalize it until they feel they deserve it. And that is a difficult habit to get out of. Rainbow, sorry you've gone through all this. My best friend had a mother that would yell and I believe hit her as well. I see how it still affects her decades later. I'm not sure if a person ever fully gets over it. But know you are not your mother. You are strong and can do anything you set yourself to doing. Keep focusing on the business and building the life you want for yourself. You're an awesome person, keep it up.

Thanks Lolita, I feel better about my height now. If someone like you is fine with that height, it can't be that bad. 😉 My brother went with the mostly shaved look for his hair. Didn't seem to hurt him in the romance department. Though I won't be joining that club. Women have complimented me on my long hair, so I think I'll stay with that. Plus I've never liked gettng my hair cut and it saves money too! Jay, none of these really matter in the end. When you like someone, you like all of them. Even if you have general preferences, for the right person those preferences will get thrown right out the window. As long as the two of you are happy together, you've got nothing to worry about.

Unfortunately things can change at a moments notice. It can happen anytime, the other person not willing to put in the effort or deciding something on their own that makes no sense to you. I knew someone I spoke with nearly every night for hours, who we connected with incredibly. And things did go well the first meeting a little over a month later. And it continued to go well. Then she shifted and pulled back. It hurt. Sometimes things happen and people just aren't meant to work out. If you felt connected, there was probably a reason. People feel what they feel, when they feel it. It's not always under our control. If this wasn't meant to last, then take it for what it was. You had an enjoyable time with a person, even if it was for a short while. Cherish those memories but know that there is someone else out there who you will connect with on an even deeper and more amazing level.

What was it that triggered the dream though? He took a questionable photo with another woman, one where he is apparently holding her as one would hold a bride. I would think it's understandable that such a picture would cause her to at least be confused and have some doubts. Add in that this women has been heavily flirting with her man, and it's not surprising that she might be troubled enough for things to manifest itself in a dream. I do think this might have triggered some insecurities within her. And demanding that he not be around the women at all might be taking it too far. But her concerns are grounded on an actual event. It's not that he should acquiesce to her demand. It's that he should be sensitive towards her feelings. If something is bothering her and she is upset, then he should talk with her and try to calm her fears or insecurities, which he apparently did. They should handle it together. I'd say the same if the roles were reveresed and he was the one feeling insecure about something. They would need to talk and she should be the one to help calm him. Yes, we are responsible for our own feelings. But the benefit of being in a relationship is that we don't have to do that all on our own. You lean on each other to help you deal with the insecurities we all have and the traumas that life brings.

I don't think the issue here is money, that's just how the larger issue is being manifested. The core of the problem is in his lack of effort. When you are with someone you want to feel they are contributing, that it is a shared experience together. But if it feels like like you are the one that is or will be putting in all the time and effort, then you question how interested the other person really is. In not at least offering to contribute, it can come across as him not caring as much or taking it for granted that you will be doing most of these things. And if he doesn't seem motivated to work to improve his position, then you're left with the thought that this is what it will be like, with you contributing nearly everything. Then to have him not respond when you bring up your concerns, just reinfoces that he isn't going to put in the effort to make things work. It's understandable that you would have concerns. Relationships shouldn't be a checklist of who does what or who pays for what. When it comes to finances, some people will be in better shape then others. I think people should pay what they are able. But they should be making that offer. I was once in a position of just out of college, not working and still staying at home. I didn't have much. But I still offered to pay half or at least alternate paying. It didn't feel right otherwise. I didn't want her to feel obligated to pay and I wanted to show her I was willing to use what I could to treat her and make her feel special. Always felt like the gentlemanly thing to do. And really, a cheap gift from Cracker Barrel isn't going to break your bank account.