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Thread: Is it worng to chase someone who is not ready to be chased

  1. #1

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    Is it worng to chase someone who is not ready to be chased

    So I have been through a heart-breaking divorce a while back, and I have been talking to this girl whom I have known for so long.

    She too has been been through a break up a while back

    We had feelings for each other before each one of us got into a relationship even though its not explicitly mentioned, but we compliment each other openly about our looks and character and how each one of us sees the other as amazing and perfect

    She mentioned that she is still healing from her breakup and that she needs time to heal before she gets into another relationship

    I know she wants to be with me but maybe the timing is not just right, is it wrong to chase her even though she needs space right now?
    How can I give her this space without seeming like I am walking away or just gave up on her

  2. #2
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    It is wrong to chase her. She has told you that she is not ready, I think you should respect that. If you don't and something does start up, it will not be successful, as she has not moved on from her ex.

    Please respect what she has told you.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I'd frame this differently.

    What you're asking, in effect, is whether it's okay to completely disrespect her truth because it doesn't align with yours. Imagine, for instance, that you and I are planning to have dinner together. I tell you I'm a vegetarian. Might want to get back to eating meat at some point in the future, but right now? Plants only. And in response you nod, say you understand, and then cook me a steak, some ribs, a chicken stew, in hopes of converting me into a meat eater so you don't have to eat that steak by yourself. Not very kind. Pretty selfish.

    That's "chasing" right now: an unkind, selfish act that will communicate to her that you don't respect her, that your way is more important than her way, your truth more valid than hers.

    Skip that, I say. Listen to her instead. Respect her instead. She'll appreciate that far more than you trying to push her into a place she is not in right now, not with you, not in her own skin. Tough, I know, when we have hopes and desires around someone who does not share them. But ask yourself: Do you really want the foundation of a relationship to be manipulation or genuine connection?

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    Dont wait around for anyone. you might want to. but the I'm not ready for a relationship, really means I'm not ready for a relationship with you.

    Any excuse to not pursue something, is exactly that. letting the other person down easy.

    Don't read into feelings thar are not explicitly expressed. especially with "not ready" comment. that is you seeing things the way you want to...

    I'm sorry. l know its a disappointment.... let people go with peace and kindness. pull way back.

    If she asks, you give the honest answer. which is- I'm looking for more than friendship. I respect your wishes. please respect my space while I allow my feelings fade.

    no harm. no foul.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I see this a bit differently.

    Both of you seem to have a solid friendship and have known each other for awhile. Just because she's not ready for a relationship doesn't mean she might not enjoy the flirting and compliments. Tell her you respect that she's not ready for anything serious but you still think she's a great person.

    Where you'll need to be more observant is whether she initiates any flirting or compliments towards you. I don't see why you have to be stiff about it or appear like you're giving up. You can still respect each other and flirt if that's what she likes or if that's always been the dynamic between the both of you.

    It also depends on whether you're happy or ok in that gray area. Someone who isn't emotionally available is able to float there quite easily but if you have deeper feelings for her you might find this frustrating. I don't think you should assume either that her feelings don't run a little deeper. She may not be able to express that right now. Enjoy your time together and the friendship.

  7. #6

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    Wow, I must say I realy like how you painted the picture for me. It helped in a way, seeing how the other person might see my actions totally wrong even though I had good intentions
    But answer me this, I know I should respect her wishes, its the least I can do if I truly care about her, but how do I back off and give her the space without looking like I am abandoning her or walking away even from a friendship

  8. #7

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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    I'd frame this differently.

    What you're asking, in effect, is whether it's okay to completely disrespect her truth because it doesn't align with yours. Imagine, for instance, that you and I are planning to have dinner together. I tell you I'm a vegetarian. Might want to get back to eating meat at some point in the future, but right now? Plants only. And in response you nod, say you understand, and then cook me a steak, some ribs, a chicken stew, in hopes of converting me into a meat eater so you don't have to eat that steak by yourself. Not very kind. Pretty selfish.

    That's "chasing" right now: an unkind, selfish act that will communicate to her that you don't respect her, that your way is more important than her way, your truth more valid than hers.

    Skip that, I say. Listen to her instead. Respect her instead. She'll appreciate that far more than you trying to push her into a place she is not in right now, not with you, not in her own skin. Tough, I know, when we have hopes and desires around someone who does not share them. But ask yourself: Do you really want the foundation of a relationship to be manipulation or genuine connection?
    Wow, I must say I realy like how you painted the picture for me. It helped in a way, seeing how the other person might see my actions totally wrong even though I had good intentions
    But answer me this, I know I should respect her wishes, its the least I can do if I truly care about her, but how do I back off and give her the space without looking like I am abandoning her or walking away even from a friendship

  9. #8
    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
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    OP. She is showing good sense and is right to take her time.

    She mentioned that she is still healing from her breakup and that she needs time to heal before she gets into another relationship


    And you are showing awareness:

    "but maybe the timing is not just right,"

    Keep the friendship going and see what happens.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Hoshos27
    Wow, I must say I realy like how you painted the picture for me. It helped in a way, seeing how the other person might see my actions totally wrong even though I had good intentions
    But answer me this, I know I should respect her wishes, its the least I can do if I truly care about her, but how do I back off and give her the space without looking like I am abandoning her or walking away even from a friendship
    good question!

    you just step way back. you're not ignoring her. You're polite... when she engages with you.

    The thing is, she is comoletely right to express she's not looking to get involved. and you are completely right to take this information at face value.

    It would be awkward to explain this to her, unless she asks.

    She knows you were interested. Giving it space is actually, the only thing you can do. She told you, don't make her say it again.

    I once took bad advice to "check in" with an ex that dumped me. And he was basically like, youre great and I'm sorry. Not a pleasant experience.

    From that moment on, I decided, no one will ever have to tell me twice. you know?

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. Is normal to want of heal from your divorce and fill voids, but trying to grab the nearest comfortable warmth is not the answer. How did the "not ready for a relationship" conversation come about?

    Right now you're in the friendzone but if you chase someone who doesn't want a relationship, it's toeing the line into the creepzone.

    Fill your divorce voids and hurt with other things. Reach out to friends family, etc. Get on some dating apps., But don't alienate friends buy "chasing" them.
    Originally Posted by Hoshos27

    She mentioned that she is still healing from her breakup and that she needs time to heal before she gets into another relationship

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