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Thread: No Contact - Still Going

  1. #1

    No Contact - Still Going

    [Sorry for long message. I am trying to share with objective people in addition to private journaling and close friends.]

    My ex girlfriend of 5 months broke up with me on October 9, 2019. I believe it was more of a circumstantial breakup since she is under a lot of stress with her teenage daughter and she also suffers from anxiety disorder. She felt that she could no longer focus on our relationship and needed to pay closer attention to her daughter, getting a job, and other priorities in her life. I told her that I had been supportive of her priorities and would do more to give her more space if needed. She agreed I had been supportive and she had tried to give time to everyone in her life but she felt like she was falling short and was overwhelmed.

    I did not argue or beg. I did not think that Seinfeld episode would do any good. The one that Seinfeld and one of his girlfriends go round and round for hours talking about minute details of their relationship. And end up spending the night because it got scary dark outside.

    She did break up with me in person at my apartment. That was respectful. When she texted me if I was home and if she could come over, I sensed she was going to break up with me since she had never done that before. We always call each other first to make arrangements to go to each other’s place. I packed up all her stuff including her fan before she arrived.

    After we talked, I got up and grabbed her stuff and gave it to her. Her jaw dropped and said,”How did you know?” I told her,”I am not dumb and have strong intuition. Something I should have relied more on during the time we dated. Thanks for the fun times.” Then she walked out of my apartment.

    I texted her right away. Not to beg. But to tell her I understand what she said. I went on to tell her that I hope her daughter feels better soon and that she finds happiness, too. I thanked her for the good times and being a great girlfriend. Told her that may be some day after time and healing, we could talk again from time to time. Ended text with Yours truly, me. She did not respond to that text.

    The next day in the late afternoon, she sends me a long text updating me on her daughter, which I was relieved to hear that it was not as grave situation as she thought but would still need to take time and give extra care for her daughter via in-home treatment. She went on to say that she wished she could be better at dealing with her stress and be better at relationships. She hoped one day she could handle a relationship but needed to work on her now. She also stated that she is sorry that things had to end between us. She thanked me for being a patient and thoughtful boyfriend. She hoped I would not think she is the crazy ex girlfriend. She went on to list all the good memories and told me she will always remember them and hoped I would, too.

    I texted her back within an hour and thanked her for letting me know about her daughter. I thanked her again for being a great girlfriend and that I hoped that we could talk again some day. Ended the text with Take care.

    At that point after sending the text, I decided to go into No Contact.

    Two days later on October 12 at 11:00 pm, she sent me a medium length text. She told me about a mutual friend who I lent a piece of equipment for a race and how well he did at his race that day. She went on to say she would get the equipment, wash it, and drop it off when convenient. She then stated that she thought that I would like to know about an up and coming runner. Ended the message with Take care.

    I did not reply to that text and have not contacted her since October 10th. So going on 15 days of NC.

    She has been texting some of my close friends asking them random things not related to me. One of those close friends thinks that my EX overreacted and that he feels that she just needed some space to clear her head, a break from me and our relationship, but not to break things off totally. He may or may be right. But sticking to No Contact.

    My ideal hope is that if she agrees it was a circumstantial breakup and that there are good things about our relationship that we can get back together but definitely modify our behaviors to make it work. But may be we can end up being friends. She does need a lot of emotional support right now and even though she choose to break up with me, I feel like she could still use a friend. Or nothing at all. We go our separate ways forever. I am aware of the possible outcomes. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.

    I have been doing a lot of soul searching and improving myself over these past two weeks. I have gotten back to my long distance run training and downhill skiing. I have spent more time with my dog. I reconnected with many friends and socialize as much as I can. I have meditated everyday. I continue to eat healthy. The extra time not dating or spending time with her, I have added more sleep time. I have reconnected with my old therapist and will start seeing her next week. There are quite a few unresolved emotional issues I need to work on that I hope will make me a better partner and feel more comfortable being in a long-term intimate relationship.

    I am tempted to contact my EX now since I do not feel emotionally charged and I genuinely want to know how her daughter, her sick dogs, and she is doing. Nothing serious. Keep it casual. See what happens. She has a lot of pride and is quite stubborn. So I doubt if she thinks she made a mistake and overreacted that she would share that with me or at least wait awhile to tell me. And in reality, she probably thought she did the right thing for her and her daughter. I respect that but it just doesn’t seem right that our relationship was good and we got along really well. No fights, but that is probably because we both concealed our thoughts from time to time as not to hurt the other person. If there is a next round, I will for sure be more open about my feelings and thoughts and let her know when I feel she is out of line.

    QUESTION: Should I keep to the 21 day No Contact Rule I am shooting for? I am at 15 days.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Dating 20 weeks is long enough to know you're incompatible but not long enough to warrant this much strife. Stop reading those get-your-ex-back scams that tell you to use no contact as some sort of tool to "re-attract her". No contact is for you. It's for you to reflect and regroup in peace. So the best thing you can do is delete and block her ..and all her people.. from all your social media and messaging apps.

    Is this a copy/paste from other places? Also there is a journal section if that is your objective in chronicling your dating life and other musings. [Register to see the link]
    Originally Posted by anthrotech
    [Sorry for long message. I am trying to share with objective people in addition to private journaling and close friends.]

    My ex girlfriend of 5 months
    QUESTION: Should I keep to the 21 day No Contact Rule I am shooting for? I am at 15 days.

  3. #3
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    I hate the no contact thing when it is used in this way , but sadly many people are fooled into thinking this is a real deal for getting an ex back .

    I know myself , when I have ended it with someone , I may feel sad , and grieve the loss of the relationship in some way , but the bigger emotion is feeling free , feeling able to move on and get on with life without the person , and that is what the vast majority of dumpers feel .

    It is only really for those dumpers that have ended something that they are not sure about ...then the only real chance of them re connecting is when they have a bit of peace away from you and time to think things through , if they are not being bugged and prodded every other day they can know for sure if they made the right decision , but this is a tiny percentage of people and then it is up to them to reach out . Mostly , people know they want out .

    No contact is for you to heal and move forward , be proud of yourself for every day you resist the urge but you need to let go of waiting for the perfect moment to reach out ....if she wants you buddy , she will soon find you , in the meantime you have to get on with life and accept she ended things .

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I'd recommend calling a spade a spade: stay away from false bravados and no contact games. Those online schemes are manipulative, insecure and needy tactics from questionable sources. Don't do it and don't fall for those games. When you play into it, you look like a real piece of work and you'll feel less like yourself. Be more honest and sincere about the pain of the break up. If you're devastated despite the short period, own it and feel it. If you miss her, own it and acknowledge it privately. Stop telling yourself you're strong when you're not. Stop telling yourself it's a good idea to be friends one day. It's not. If you're feeling sad and down, journal, write, continue being your productive self but put aside any false ideas of reconciliation or getting back together or being friends again. Exes are exes (in the past) for a reason. Keep it that way. If she doesn't have the sense to know it, you should know it. If you haven't replied to her text messages it should be because you find no reason to reply. She's not a part of your present and she's not a part of your future either.

    Give yourself a chance to move on and stop selling yourself short. If you keep going back to her for a friendship, you're wasting your energy and your time when you could be enjoying meeting new people who add far more to your life. This person is not it. Move on.

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  6. #5
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    What’s another 6 days of NC going to do???

    Going NC is for ones own mental health. In order for you to healthily move on and continue to move on.
    People may set a short time limit on it but it’s only to make it seem less daunting. But the reality is that NC is permanent.

    She made a choice to end the relationship. You need to respect her wish.

    And you don’t really want to know about her daughter or dogs because if you genuinely did , you wouldn’t then add “see what happens”

    When a relationship ends , so too does any connections you made with that person , daughter , dogs etc

    You should really should, now that you say you not “emotionally charged” , delete her number to ensure you remain NC.

  7. #6
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    It's not like 21 days will go by and she'll think "Gee whiz, it's been 21 days of no contact from anthrotech, if he contacts me I will for sure be ready to talk reconciliation!!"

    Our exes don't know they're supposed to want us back after 21 days or 30 days or whatever. That's just what those scam "Get your ex back, guaranteed!!!!!111" sites tell you.

    Also, everyone wants to think their ex is "stubborn" and that's why they haven't asked to reconcile. Not because, you know, they really don't want to reconcile.

    She knows how to get ahold of you. If she does want to get together to talk about potentially reconciling she'll let you know, no matter how "stubborn" you think she is.

  8. #7
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    It sounds like there was some moment in time where she didn't see the kind of support she needed and irrationally realized she was pulling you down with her.

    This isnt a no contact situation because she has actual stress in her life and she has to put her child above herself, that being said I dont thnk she'll reach out even if she wanted to.

    Give her space but make it clear that you're standing by her. Offer a friendship and maybe she'll start seeing the results she needs in you and reconsider the relationship.


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