Lying

We just broke up. We had been together about 18 months. A couple months ago he disappeared (didn't know where he was and wouldn't answer his phone) until 4 am. When he called me back he stated that he had went to hang out with a friend and fell asleep. This friend is an old buddy. I was obviously suspicious and devastated but decided to work through it. Over the next few days he told me over and over how he's had no contact with her since. A couple days later I snooped on his phone and saw that he had been texting her since that night. I confronted him and broke up with him over it but we ended up getting back together a week later. We met and talked about our expectations and what we both need from a relationship and came to an agreement about how we would treat each other. I told him one of the most important things to me is honesty and if he can't be honest we won't work. He agreed to be honest with me. I also asked that he cut the girl out of his life I didn't want him seeing her or talking to her. He agreed to this as well. I have been having funny feelings since then but was trying to trust him (I have trust issues with everyone and am a naturally suspicious person which I am trying to work on) and have asked him about her a couple times to which he says he hasn't talked with her even showing me his text message log. Last night I grabbed his phone and figured I might as well take a look to see if he's been telling the truth. Sure enough, he started talking to her again, and never mentioned it. I ended it right then. The messages I saw between them don't indicate anything other than friendship between them so that didn't upset me. What upsets me is the lying. As somebody with a lot of trust issues honesty is very important to me. He says he lied because he didn't want to throw away 10+ years of friendship, but why wouldn't he have just told me that when we talked? Our relationship other than this mess has been smooth sailing and I still think he is a good person. Is there any way to make this work? Is there something we could do so that he feels more comfortable being honest? I know with my brain that getting back together is not a good idea but my emotions are getting the best of me.

Yes there are things that can be done to make this work:

1. work on your trust and insecurity issues and fix them.

2. realize that everybody has the right to have the friends the want - you don't get to dictate that. He has the right to be friends with this "old buddy" as long as he isnt' cheating with you.

3. You need to stop snooping and spying on him and just TRUST HIM. If you can't trust him - there is no friendship or relationship.

4. He needs to stop lying to you.

Notice that 3 out of the 4 are things YOU need to fix and do.

If this was such a good friend that he's had for 10 years and texts daily and hangs out with her, he would've introduced you already. He didn't do this because there's more there than a platonic relationship.

In a true buddy-buddy relationship, there would be no hiding. There would be introductions. The friend would be a champion to your relationship, as she could see her buddy's happiness. You would sometimes be included in their get togethers.

A guy who is above board doesn't "fall asleep" at another's woman's house, especially one you haven't met. He basically didn't care about losing you with this activity. Plus, he could probably see you were the type to not break up with him after something so egregious, which you didn't.

You've now done the right thing by breaking up. It's best you date men who don't have female buddies. They do exist. That's your comfort level and that's okay. I practice the same boundaries. When your brain and emotions don't match, stick with the brain. You will get over the feelings in 4 to 6 months with no contact.

I think you have trouble trusting people because you play the fool.

I don't think you really believe that he fell asleep at an old female friend's house and forgot to call you. If you do, I think you're lying to yourself--which is how you end up playing the fool.

Now he's gone and deceived you again, which means he lied when he promised he wouldn't do it again.

Stop making excuses for him. You need to get honest with yourself about what's going on.

This is not smooth sailing. You can do better.

(I have trust issues with everyone and am a naturally suspicious person which I am trying to work on) .

You have trust issues because you continue to engage untrustworthy people.

If you are working on your mysterious trust issues, you start by being selective about who you have in your life. You learn to trust yourself first and foremost. You trust your intuition and you trust that you have what it takes to eliminate undeserving people and move on.

You work on believing that you are worthy of people with integrity and you don't settle or`try to work it out' with anything or anyone less.

You don't waste your valuable time trying to reform a liars and beat yourself up over the fact that you now have trust issues.

You have trust issues because you continue to engage untrustworthy people.

 

If you are working on your mysterious trust issues, you start by being selective about who you have in your life. You learn to trust yourself first and foremost. You trust your intuition and you trust that you have what it takes to eliminate undeserving people and move on.

 

You work on believing that you are worthy of people with integrity and you don't settle or`try to work it out' with anything or anyone less.

 

You don't waste your valuable time trying to reform a liars and beat yourself up over the fact that you now have trust issues.

Yes, exactly!

Yes, exactly!

agree, completely

.....................

You did the right thing for the wrong reasons.

He didn't wake up when his phone rang?

Any guy that has an old female "buddy" introduces her to his gf pretty early on so they can be friends or at least so everything is out in the open.

You do need to work on your trust issues BEFORE you get into another relationship. No more snooping just to be sure.

He is not going to stop hanging out with his buddy and that is not acceptable to you so the relationship needed to end anyways.

Go total No Contact and read book on trust issues and how to conquer them.

Lost

 

You've now done the right thing by breaking up. It's best you date men who don't have female buddies. They do exist. That's your comfort level and that's okay. I practice the same boundaries. When your brain and emotions don't match, stick with the brain. You will get over the feelings in 4 to 6 months with no contact.

I'll add: Don't abandon your good romantic relationship boundaries to accommodate some dufus's inability to be honest with you. He's got an agenda that looks more like something nefarious rather than innocent. Working on your ability to trust is one thing. Working to achieve blind trust is not in your best interests.