he texted me, now what?

Hey guys, I posted on here a few weeks back about going no contact with my ex. If you aren't familiar with my situation, he and I broke up on incredibly good terms -- we both still love(d) each other, but it just wasn't working out (we were LD). Since the breakup, and more specifically, going no contact, I have really begun to make some huge realizations and understand why us breaking up was for the best. Though I still do love him romantically, so am I in no way "over" him, I know that 1) we both need to focus on ourselves right now and 2) deep down, I think there are better-suited partners out there for us, so, for that reason alone, I could never get back together with him in good faith.

However, we did become best friends and we formed a bond that, in my opinion, was incredibly special and rare for both of us. I feel that throwing it completely away by going NC forever would just be cruel. No, I don't expect us to remain in contact once we are both in committed relationships again, but that day is not today (and probably will not be for a good while).

I stopped communication with him a few days shy of a month ago. I told him I had to do it for my own good; that I owed it to myself to begin to move on, etc. He said he didn't want that, but he understood, so we left it at that. I honestly did not expect him to contact me again so soon -- I figured maybe around Christmas, if that.

Well yesterday, I uploaded a new profile picture to Facebook and he liked it (yes, we're still friends on FB; however, I unfollowed him so I wouldn't be able to automatically see any of his activity). Which okay, we still care for one another and I'm sure it makes him happy to see that I'm doing well, so it makes sense. But now coincidentally, he has just texted me. He wrote, "Hi, I miss talking to you :)".

I am going to respond in time, but... I'm not sure how. I'm not sure how I feel about "talking" to each other again already, because I don't know what that would mean for us. I stopped contact because being "just friends" was too hard for me, and I know it will still be hard now. But I do want to maintain our connection and keep it warm, but if not through a romantic relationship, and not through a traditional "friendship", how?

Let him go.

You will be holding yourself back to getting to the stage where you can date and not have him in your head so you can concentrate on any new guy you find attractive. Besides, not too many people are copacetic with their partner still being friends with their last lover so why even bother responding at all to "I miss talking to you?"

You told him that you wanted to go nc for your own emotional health for the time being and he disrespected that request and has now placed himself front and centre in your thoughts of him again. I find his "crumb" incredibly self-absorbed as well as cruel to you. You now have started a thread to help you figure out how to accommodate his self-absorbed behaviour.

My advice, ignore it and get on with getting over your continued "romantic feelings" for him. Don't stagnate yourself in relationship limbo over a crumb.

I would not worry about keeping a connection warm until you are over him and largely indifferent to the idea of him dating someone else.

Most exes cannot be friends right after a break-up, for this very reason. Continued contact tends to stir up too many unsettled feelings on the part of the dumpee, and prevent them from moving on. Time and space away from each other is necessary for the wound to truly heal. As you said, you're not over him yet (perfectly understandable) and need more time.

As such, I would let him know that you are not ready to entertain the idea of friendship yet. Perhaps in several months or a year, you could revisit the idea. Now is not the time to think too much about how to keep him as your friend.

Yes to the above.

I've been in your shoes, plenty. Fortunately, I cut my teeth in those shoes in the days before social media and texting. I broke up with wonderful women, or had wonderful women break up with me, and there was a sense that we were still meant to be in each other's lives, in some form or another.

And, years later, we are. I have deep, wonderful relationships with some exes. But we didn't get there through texting every week, through going "NC for a month," but through living our own lives, doing what we needed, moving on, moving forward, and reconnecting when the earth spun us back into each other's orbits. In most cases there was at least a year of total silence, often more.

If your connection is deep and genuine, which it sounds like it is, it doesn't need to be sustained through FB likes and nebulous "miss talking to you texts." All that is just noise keeping you both treading water in the same shallow waters that serve nothing. Observe it as noise, but don't react to it.

I echo ThatwasThen. Just ignore the text—not out of malice, not out of gamesmanship, but to honor you and your truth. You miss talking to too, see the two of you talking down the line—great, but not now. Honor that above all. You've got some work to do, feelings to feel, a life to explore. Do that. You'll know when you're ready to talk. It'll happen, be organic, and won't be something you need to post about because it'll just make sense.

No, don't contact him. As MissCanuck said, it will hold you back if you continue an emotional relationship with him. Also your boyfriend probably broke up with you so he could date someone else where he lives. Now he wants to have his cake and eat it too.

So no, don't respond to him and concentrate on moving on. It will only dredge up a lot of feelings and heartache.

Unfortunately there is a thin line between being friends and being a crutch for each other. It's a catch-22 if you keep things warm and fuzzy with him "until" you get in a committed relationship because it will prevent you from moving on and ever getting there.

It sounds a bit like denial that it's really over and that he told you he can't do LDRs because he "needs a partner and physical touch". Keep in mind he can like your fb posts and still be dating/sleeping with local women. Then suddenly if/when they get serious you will wonder why he ghosted and go through the pain of the breakup all over again.

I don't expect us to remain in contact once we are both in committed relationships again, but that day is not today (and probably will not be for a good while). I do want to maintain our connection and keep it warm, but if not through a romantic relationship, and not through a traditional "friendship", how?

It is too soon for any friendship to blossom.

My manager is really good friends with a guy she dated from her younger years. Now he is practically best mates with her husband. They didn't get there by here texting him constantly after the break up. They took space apart. Many years in fact and reconnected and become friends.

It can happen if the connection is strong. But you do need time away for the romantic feelings to fade. And for you and him to get over the break up. You need time to live your life and date and do all sorts without feeling guilty because you are still talking to him.

Now with reagrds to the text...

It depends on the sort of person you are.

Like many people said you have every right to ignore it. As he ignored your request for no contact. Basically undermining your wishes.

That said if you are a strong person and you know you won't get in a backwards and forwards conversation with him. You can reply referencing the fact you went no contact for a reason and wish to remain that way. If he replies don't reply. You've said your bit and be done with it.

Hi y'all, thanks for all the advice, it is definitely much appreciated. I agree fully that it is too soon for any kind of friendship and that us continuing any emotional relationship would not be wise. I am not, however, in denial that it is over between us; I know we are never getting back together and after deep reflection have reached the point that I would never get back together with him regardless of what I feel for him.

I did choose to reply to him rather than ignore him; that is just not who I am and would have felt immense guilt had I not. Maybe not the best option, as we did have a bit of a dialogue that left me frustrated and sad, but I think it also helped to reinforce that he is not the person I am meant to be with. So for that reason, I'm glad I did respond. I stuck my ground and am now confident that I will not be replying to any messages he may send in the future.

Good for you, stick to it.

The reason not responding to bread crumbs is often advised is because many times it’s a set back, it doesn’t feel like one right away, but once time passes reality hits.

Everyone is different, myself personally, I know not to rip that bandaid off, it took ripping it off repeatedly

to finally learn to let the scab heal.

Take things one day at a time, you are still in the very early stages of healing, your emotions might be everywhere but as long as you let yourself naturally go through it all you’ll come out on the other end stronger.

What was the gist of the dialogue?

we did have a bit of a dialogue that left me frustrated and sad, but I think it also helped to reinforce that he is not the person I am meant to be with.

I did choose to reply to him rather than ignore him; that is just not who I am and would have felt immense guilt had I not. Maybe not the best option, as we did have a bit of a dialogue that left me frustrated and sad, but I think it also helped to reinforce that he is not the person I am meant to be with. So for that reason, I'm glad I did respond. I stuck my ground and am now confident that I will not be replying to any messages he may send in the future.

Good on you! Like I would have felt the same in your situation and replied.

I don't think it is a set back as it has reinforced that you know he is not right for you.

Of course you will be a little upset. It's only natural. You will bounce back from this stronger.

Also will keep you strong for if he ever reaches out again and you will just ignore him next time.