My flirty boyfriend.

Hi,

I really need advice on my relationship. I have been with my boyfriend for 1,5 years. He is four years younger than I am, I'm 26. He is really caring and loving, but one things keep worrying me. I know that he is often flirting with girls - whether they are his childhood friends or woman that he knows for a shorter time. I knew that from beginning of our relationship and stated that it is uncomfortable for me, but he claimed that he doesn't do such thing and I'm missinterpreting his behaviour. However, I know what flirting is and he did that even when I'm around. But maybe that's the way he is, and he never give me real reason to think that it leads to something more, cheating etc. Except one situation, but I don't know if I'm crazy to think about this or I'm really insecure about his flirting and make things up. When we started dating he often visited me at my apartment with I shared with a friend. Me and that friend were not really close, but we worked at the same place. After me and my boyfriend started dating, I noticed that my friend starts to take interest in my boyfriend, she even claimed that he is a good type for short romance. She tried to seduce him in some way, by some flirtatious talk and my boyfriend reacted in the same way, as that's how he is. Once I felt sick and had to lie down, and my friend invited my boyfriend to eat with her in the kitchen. They were talking (I heard that not on purpose, there is no door between kitchen and my room) about various things - her moving out etc. (my boyfriend after that talk proposed that we should start living together), but all of sudden they stopped both talking and I heard some "slurping" noises. All I could think back then is that they were kissing or my friend kissed my boyfriend. I know that they were eating and maybe it's all in my imagination, but can I trust him? I asked him about her and he refused that something was between them ever and that he even doesn't consider her attractive, but they have a lot in common and share similar sense of humour. She didn't talk to me either. When my boyfriend was leaving the kitchen - he said "goodnight" to my friend and went back to me, that's when he said "I love you" for the first time, but all I thought back then was that he is saying that out of guilt... But I didn't really catch any suspicious signs from them that night. Maybe I was overthinking this, but after that I saw (I think so) that my boyfriend and my friend exchange "deep looks". I want to finally resolve this, but can I trust my boyfriend? For the rest of our relationship my boyfriend never did something suspicious and was really good to me, but I really want to trust him. Besides, he never flirted with me, but explained that he behaves like that in presence of girls in which he has no real interest, and towards me he was always open and honest, because he knew that he wants to build serious relationship with me.

And what do you consider flirting?

How long have you been dating? Unfortunately neither of these people make good roommates. The current roommate/friends is a snake and the current bf sounds quite immature.

my apartment with I shared with a friend. She tried to seduce him in some way, by some flirtatious talk and my boyfriend reacted in the same way, as that's how he is. my boyfriend after that talk proposed that we should start living together)

Going only based on what you've written, this is all in your head.

I agree that the majority of your anxiety is self-generated, judging from what you've written. That doesn't mean it isn't valid.

Early on you knew he was flirty. While you were likely attracted to that quality, you were also threatened by it, which is something to observe and unpack a bit, I think.

You never really addressed this early, so much as to say you were uncomfortable, for him to say don't be uncomfortable, after which you got into a relationship in which you tried to be comfortable with something you weren't actually comfortable with. That little crack in the foundation has now expanded with time, with feelings, with attachment. You can try to discuss it again, but it's going to be harder as this is who he is, and it's behavior that has been validated by you, by choosing him and being with him.

I'm a flirt. I own it, no apologies, no explanations. I get along pretty well with women, have mainly female friends, some of them past lovers. I also take commitment and monogamy seriously, when I commit to it. Those two things are not mutually exclusive, but it's not for every woman. I don't want to be a threat to anyone, but neither do I want to be someone I'm not, so I generally date fellow flirts, people who understand it, so the foundation doesn't have that crack.

Again, I'm not pointing fingers. Everyone should feel secure in a relationship, and the issue is that you don't right now. Try talking, but not in a way where you're telling him that he's wrong, but simply in a way where you're expressing your feelings. Maybe some small adjustments can be made, maybe not. Maybe ultimately you find your security, and get rid of the insecurity, but accepting that you're not compatible for romance. Not his fault, not yours, just the way you two mix.

Can you tell us what you define as flirting? It's such a broad term that it would help if you can clarify what it means to you.

There is already mistrust here, as you believe he's the type that would make out with your friend while you're lying down in the next room. You say it could have been eating (and it very likely was) but the fact that you questioned it strongly suggests you don't think much of your boyfriend. You don't see him as a guy with integrity.

I would be curious to hear what your relationship history is like, and whether there's a pattern of you feeling insecure and untrusting in general.

Thanks for all the replies.

By being flirty I understand, in terms of my boyfriend, that he keep sitting close to his female friends or my roomate, and he when they were around he gave them all the attention by giving deep looks and trying to impress them, I sometimes felt like I don't know him at all, because he never was like that in my presence, as I said. When we were alone he was always caring, he never left me when I needed him and I can really say that he is commited now in our relationship, so I don't want to ruin all this, because of our beginnings. But sometimes I can remember all that, how he acted and my mood swings - my boyfriend can tell that something isn't right, but I don't want to talk about it and maybe accuse him of things that he hasn't done. But what if he isn't what I think he is? If I suspect him of doing such things, what is he doing when I'm not around? And what if they indeed kissed and think I'm naive?

I was not really a jealous type and I knew from the beginning that he is a flirt and have a lot of female friends, but as we just started dating I didn't that it will influence me, but now as we are more and more serious I start asking questions if I really know him and if he really didn't do something bad to me. I got really bad vibe from what was going between him and my roomate, but maybe it was just innocent flirting that lead to nothing and I'm creating things in my mind of them kissing during that silence, because I felt threatened by my roomate? I just cannot stand what she was saying at that time and that she tried to seduce him. And I'm afraid that my boyfriend can't say no to some woman - he always said that he just want to help them and is worried about his close female friends, but some of his friends are cheaters, he claimed it, and I shouldn't be thinking about it that way, but what if he is the same? He was cheated before though and said that he would never do such thing to someone. There is one more person I always felt threatened about - his one specific female friend. They know each other for about two years and they were really close - they talked about everything and my boyfriend used to sleep at her place, but he stopped (that's what he says) when we started dating. He claimed that he had no feelings for her and they didn't even have sex, he was just sleeping on the couch, but somehow I don't believe him. Maybe it's stupid, because he introduced me to her early in our relationship and claimed that he was sleeping there, I didn't find out about that from someone else, so he was clear about that from the beginning and he said that he wouldn't introduce me to his past lovers. But she is really attractive and I found out later on that she have slept with almost all guys from his group, so why she wouldn't sleep with my boyfriend? Also she didn't really liked me from the beginning, trying to prove that she knows him better than me (which is obvious, they have known each other for about a year when we started dating). I feel like my boyfriend is not telling me the whole truth, but maybe should I leave it be? Especially that they are not good friends anymore, after my boyfriend found out that she is sleeping around with everyone.

About my previous relationships - I only had one serious relationship before and it was a toxic one. My boyfriend was controlling and at the end he cheated on me, I found out that for about two months he was seeing me and his other girlfriend and although I knew that relationship was not a good one, I felt devastated and worthless. I also felt really stupid, as I didn't find out about his cheating earlier. Then I didn't get involved in any relationships, until my current one, but I had many male friends and saw how they acted when their girlfriends were not around, and maybe bacause of this I have issues now and I don't believe that flirting of my boyfriend is so innocent? I don't really want to be the last to know that he cheated on me and feel humiliated.

Time to end it. You don't trust him and he's way too flirty anyway. If you know what he's like, either accept that or move on.

The best way to relieve all these worries and stress is to get a different roommate and a grownup bf who is closer to your age so you don't have to babysit him and monitor whether hi is "slurping" or "flirting", etc.

The keep sitting close to his female friends or my roomate.