Feelings about my own extended family vs. my husband's family.

I have two nephews and one niece. My niece is the daughter of my husband's sister while my nephews are my brothers' sons. I feel much closer to my brothers' families - their wives and children. I get more excited about seeing them, I seem to naturally care more about choosing gifts for the nephews, seeing them, and talking to their moms who are married to my brothers.

I was never as close to my sister-in-law. She is younger than my husband and she was in high school when we dated, and was very immature and not easy to get close to. Since then, she has grown up and it's easier to talk to her but I'm still not as close. When I found out she was having a baby, I wasn't nearly as excited as I was when I found out my brothers' wives were pregnant. About a day after we found out, I said something like "Hey, I'm sorry I was so ambivalent about the news about your sister. That's really exciting!" And my husband, who had apparently noticed my initial lack of excitement over the news, said something like "Yeah, I was a little annoyed you didn't respond more."

I've noticed this discrepancy before and I don't think it's fair so I've made an effort to think more of his sister's family as my own, and to encourage us both to visit them as much as we visit my brothers, and to spend as much time and money on the niece.

I just wondered, is this normal to naturally feel more of a connection to your siblings' families than your in-laws? I love kids, and I love our niece. But I have this annoying tendency, which I try to avoid acting on or revealing, in which I think of her as my husband's niece, while my nephews are more important to me. I don't like that I do this. I want to embrace his family as my own.

In our marriage, we've had some tension - not outright fights just tension - over fair distribution of our time with each others' families over the holidays. In the beginning years, I used to be more pushy about spending more time with my family and I would whine that I didn't get to see them enough, and he felt like it was too one-sided, so I've been better about that for a long time now.

Can other people speak of your own experiences with in-laws and extended families with your spouse, and your feelings as compared to your own extended family?

So I went through a change on this "issue". Growing up, my uncle's wife on my mother's side and my aunt's husband on my fathers were of course not blood relatives. But, to me there was absolutely no distinction because they were who I knew from birth - I "knew" who was the blood relative but it was a distinction without a difference. My husband sort of viewed it differently because I think in his case there may have been divorces/deaths where he would have a new aunt or uncle and he was far more aware of who was blood related and who wasn't. Now, he felt close to his family nonetheless but he did see a difference at times that it was relevant.

So. With us, in our marriage -not sure if this is the same for anyone else -yes, each of our respective families is probably more important in certain ways than the spouse's family. And I think that's fine and normal. But, when it comes to our son I try not to draw that distinction, to label too much "daddy's uncle" rather than just "Uncle John". Also consider that in certain families family friends are actually closer than "family" - and that's fine too.

OK - an example - for the first time we had a nice long skype session with my son, me, and three generations of my family who was visiting my mother -very cool. We planned it and when it came time my husband was home. And I was completely surprised when he didn't automatically join in -he said he hadn't been asked but I assumed of course that if he was home (and I planned it that way) he would join in. Why would I need to invite him to skype with his son's cousins for example? But that is how he saw it and yes he loves my family, he feels close to my family. I would not have seen it that way if he were skyping with his family. I would have assumed I should join in for at least part of it.

I was closer to my father in law at times than my own father. I was very close to my mother in law. I miss her greatly. But sure when there were scheduling conflicts or when I could get some me time I was more than happy to have my husband go with his family somewhere and take my son along where if it had been my family I would not have take that me time. Not every single time but yes a definite distinction. And one he completely understood and welcomed especially since our son would get tons of attention so my husband would have an easier time of it.

And yes when my sister was pregnant with her 4 kids I felt much closer to her than I would have if she were not my blood relative. No question about it. I think that's completely normal. I remember my Aunt saying that it was hard for her when her son's wife was pregnant because she didn't feel like she could be involved in the same intimate and personal way had it been her own daughter. Maybe others think that is strange, but I do not.

Great points you make and great questions!!!

My husband’s sister doesn’t have kids and never will but I have step siblings who I did not grow up with who have kids and I have my brother who I grew up with who has 3 daughters. I am not close to his ex hag and never was but I am close to my brother so I feel closer to his kids.

That new baby is just as much your niece/nephew as your brother's kids. I would not withhold any affection or attention from him/her. Once they are born, hopefully any prejudice about how they are related will fade away.

With my ex marriage, we got married when the youngest nephew was 1. He did not remember a reality where i wasn't in the picture, yet i was never called "aunt" - i was always introduced by the siblings as "my brother's wife" and the child called me by my first name. I could understand the older nieces and nephews who were 18+ wouldn't necessarily call me "aunt" - but it really, really hurt that this toddler did not refer to me as such as he grew. Imagine how it might feel for a child if the tables were reversed and you treated them like "my husband's nephew/niece" rather than YOURS

Batya33 I felt how you did growing up. My aunts and uncles were just my aunts and uncles, it didn't make any difference who was related by blood. But looking back, I do see a difference in how they treated me. My blood relatives were always more affectionate and doting and interested in me, whereas their spouses were more distant by comparison. It doesn't bother me but now I can understand a possible reason. I think it's good that you are making an effort to assure your son that his family on both sides is equally important and connected to him. I think we take our family relationships for granted sometimes in that we might assume our spouses will automatically feel connected but maybe there are times - like your skype session - to make an effort to include the new-comers, so to speak.

That new baby is just as much your niece/nephew as your brother's kids. I would not withhold any affection or attention from him/her. Once they are born, hopefully any prejudice about how they are related will fade away.

 

With my ex marriage, we got married when the youngest nephew was 1. He did not remember a reality where i wasn't in the picture, yet i was never called "aunt" - i was always introduced by the siblings as "my brother's wife" and the child called me by my first name. I could understand the older nieces and nephews who were 18+ wouldn't necessarily call me "aunt" - but it really, really hurt that this toddler did not refer to me as such as he grew. Imagine how it might feel for a child if the tables were reversed and you treated them like "my husband's nephew/niece" rather than YOURS

Oh I absolutely know what you're saying and I don't want to withhold any affection or allow any perceptible difference in how I treat any of these kids. I just feel maybe guilt or disappointed a little that my affection for our niece (I almost types HIS niece!) didn't come so automatically at such a strong feeling. She is 2 years old. My brother's baby is younger than she is and lives farther away.

I look at pictures of my brothers' kids and feel such swelling love and adoration and when I see my niece, I just feel how I would feel about any child. I feel more welcome in being close to her than I would to a stranger, of course. I mean, I wouldn't hesitate to pick her up and cuddle and kiss her but it's different. I wonder if I can will myself to feel a more natural familial connection to her. I wonder if it's instinctual, like I KNOW there's blood relation, or if it's all mental and just about being close to my brothers and not to my sister-in-law.

Also, I don't know why I feel closer to my brothers' wives than I do to my husband's sister. I feel a little disappointed about that. I've tried to figure it out, if it was just the difference in their personalities or what. I wonder how common that is. Do most people feel a more easy affection for your siblings' spouses than for your spouse's siblings?

I think that the way I feel about my siblings' kids is rooted in the permanence of my relationship with my siblings. I feel at ease diving into that love and commitment as an aunt because their fathers will always be their fathers and will always be my brothers. But a marriage, even the most committed marriage, the relationship is newer. This little girl, I don't have a guaranteed forever connection to her parents. Maybe that's some sort of barrier that prevents people from latching onto other people out of preventing hurt in case the relationship doesn't last.

"Also, I don't know why I feel closer to my brothers' wives than I do to my husband's sister. I feel a little disappointed about that. I've tried to figure it out, if it was just the difference in their personalities or what. I wonder how common that is. Do most people feel a more easy affection for your siblings' spouses than for your spouse's siblings?"

I would assume it's just chemistry or no chemistry, and nothing to do with the familial status of the person. As far as how I feel about my husband's two sisters--one is cold and I don't like her. The other sister is someone who I get along great with and we never run out of things to talk about. I always have a great time with my younger brother's husband, but my older brother is bat$%^&crazy and so is his girlfriend, so I only tolerate her.

As long as you're kind and put effort into the relationships that are important, that's enough. Don't force yourself to try to love when it doesn't come naturally. We are not robots and our emotions are complex. Like Paul McCartney sings, "Let it be."

You're smart to compensate with your behavior toward those in the family to whom you feel less of an emotional bond. As you continue to do that, make room for the idea that people can 'grow on you' as they grow into themselves over time, AND we also change our perceptions internally with time.

I've had many pleasant surprises with not only family members who've crept into my heart after years of '...meh' or annoyance or wondering if they even HAVE a personality (hee hee), but the same is also true of coworkers or neighbors who I never thought of or interacted with much.

Think of the word 'evolution' and relationships as cyclical throughout our lives. We often diverge from those with whom we have close bonds in our teens and twenties as our focus on lifestyle or goals change. For instance, a time when you're knee deep in diapers may not see all that much of those friends who aren't there yet or who's children are older. Or someone you loved in college may stay stuck in party time long after you've outgrown it.

This is all natural, and when we remember that our behavior drives emotions, not the other way around, we'll operate in ways that generate generosity in us regardless of how we're feeling at any given time. Enjoy the experience whenever your emotions catch up with your thoughtful behaviors, and in cases where that doesn't occur, just relax into the idea that we'll always have different chemistry with different folks. We also have the intelligence to behave 'beyond' that.

Head high, you're doing great.

I think that the way I feel about my siblings' kids is rooted in the permanence of my relationship with my siblings. I feel at ease diving into that love and commitment as an aunt because their fathers will always be their fathers and will always be my brothers. But a marriage, even the most committed marriage, the relationship is newer. This little girl, I don't have a guaranteed forever connection to her parents. Maybe that's some sort of barrier that prevents people from latching onto other people out of preventing hurt in case the relationship doesn't last.

I have one divorced aunt/uncle set and the divorced uncle who is not blood related to me but i grew up as my uncle, is still "Uncle Joe". He was legally and technically my uncle until i was 16 years old and he will ALWAYS be my Uncle. Its a permanent arrangement, as far as I am concerned. If they had divorced when I was 2 and he was out of the picture, that would have been a different story because i would not have known him. I go over to his house when my cousins - his kids - are in town. Nothing about our relationship has changed except that he is no longer married to my aunt (he did not gamble, drink, or cheat for things to turn out that way). He came to my graduation and other events.

Honestly it sounds like you are emotionally preparing for divorce if you say "this little girl won't be a permanent part of my life so i decide to not love her as much". Treat her like she is and will be. If you treat children like you have a foot out the door -- they know. Believe me, they know

Its okay to have more in common with some relatives more than others. if you and your husband's sister don't gel like say, you and his cousin, that's okay. But don't decide those kids are not "permanent" - if you don't treat your marriage as permanent your husband will feel it