Will it ever go away?

Hi dear people :),

Lately I've been going to a pretty rough time, I'm hoping to find people who had similair feelings or experiences and hopefully some words of comfort. I've been seeking professional help for this problem but unfortunately I'm still on the waiting list for at least another month and I need to write this off me.

I'm feeling super down since this year, and I notice it's getting worse every month (I wonder how this is even possible, but somehow I do feel and see myself getting worse and worse).

It started with a lot of insecurities, I've been abandoned by a lot of friends and previous partners, also my mother. I notice since the last guy I fell for, that my insecurity is one of my biggest problems (if you feel like it you can read my previous posts). I don't find myself attractive anymore, I can't be spontaneous anymore. I find it hard to be a nice company for others: I feel so awkward and shy lately, forcing fake laughs but even this I can't do anymore, and I feel like I can't trust anyone. I notice how people are so busy with themselves and when I try to explain how I feel about my life lately, they don't understand. Not that this is their fault, it's probably hard for them to understand since they don't cope with these feelings.. After I told them what's up, they tell me it's just a fase in my life and it will change, and next change to another subject which makes me feel weird (again it's not their fault, but it makes me feel bad).

I used to be very outgoing, happy and spontaneous, I got a lot of friends and people did really like me. But now I'm most happy (if you can call it happy) when I'm alone in my own place. Even going out to do groceries is weird. Every contact with other people makes me nervous, even with the people I love most. I'm constantly considering if I'm telling the right things in the right way and what they would think of my reaction. It makes me very tired. I do still meet up with people tho, I know this is important, but it doesn't feel good anymore. A lot of friends don't like the new me, and they don't feel like keeping in touch anymore. And I feel nervous/ awkward all the time. Especially in my group of friends when we're together, but also in 1 on 1 contact.

I do try to be positive, take time for myself, do nice things, be proud of myself, but then the depression takes over again every time I go out and fail in being a social creature. When people from the past hit me up, they're seeing this new me instead of the happy woman I was and it feels like another kick in the face. I wanna be that loved and happy person again. This is also getting worse, I was capable of having normal contact with others, I think this changed since three months.

Work is not going great either. I have sleeping problems since I was a kid and lately I've been sleeping for 2-5 hours a night. I work in a psychiatric hospital, and I help people that are depressed, heavy autism, borderline and schizophrenia. I just can't handle them and my collegues anymore. I'm afraid something like that will happen to me, and those people with depression/schizoprhenia got it from my age (25) and are in their sixties now). What if it never leaves?

At work I'm also awkward, it feels like I'm sixteen all over again, but I can't seem to change my behaviour, even if I try. Again also being with cliënts and collegues makes me feel nervous. I feel weird all the time. And I care to much about what they think. Going to work is becoming a really big step for me.

I'm so busy in my head, which is always full of thoughts. I try to give a lot of love but get the feeling I don't get in return. I don't wanna bother my friends with this anymore and I'm looking forward to the talks with the psychiatrist. It feels like I'm losing hope, because I'm really trying to win this fight with my depression but it keeps getting worse. I'm all about enjoying the little things, but even this isn't happening anymore. I don't know what I want in life, and I don't know what is actually gonna make me happy again.

I made a lot of progress in the previous years, got a job, a home, enough lovely people surrounding me. But for some reason my insecurity and tiredness took over this year, and I'm not the person I ever was anymore. I changed into this shy nervous little girl, and I miss the old me. I'm still having periods when I feel better and good about myself, and I can have a good time with people still. I just notice it's going downhill. I do have things to look out for and people connecting me, it's just the way I look at myself that I can't seem to change.

I know I need professional help for this. But another month is a long time and I just need some words of advice or comfort. Did anyone experience this? Did anyone got out of this? Will those negative feelings stay, or does it really get better?

Thank you so much for reading, I really appreciate it. x

I'm sorry, that it is taking so long to get help.

I have not been in your place, but you sound very depressed. Can you afford a private therapist?

Is there a possible that you could move to another area of the hospital, as i think that that environment could exacerbate the situation.

I'm sorry, that it is taking so long to get help.

 

I have not been in your place, but you sound very depressed. Can you afford a private therapist?

 

Is there a possible that you could move to another area of the hospital, as i think that that environment could exacerbate the situation.

Hi Holly, thank you for the quick reply!

I can afford a private therapist fortunately, I'm on the waiting list for one!

Moving to another part would do much good, since the whole hospital is focused on people with psychiatric problems.. I am actually thinking about quitting my job and to travel and take some time for myself to (hopefully) find a bit of peace. But first I need to get some money saved up and see how the psychiatrist can help me.

OMG! I didn't realize that that was for private.

Do you think that you may be able to get another job outside of the psychiatric unit? Also, have you tried meditation to clear your thoughts?

Hey there—sending you a big hug from digital space. Your sharing this is a big, bold step. I know it comes from a dark and confused place, but please know that to at least this reader what I see in your post is a lot of verve and strength. What feels gone inside, in other words, may just be hiding in a new corner of yourself that you've yet to fully discover.

Therapy will help, so it's good that you've taken those steps. Sometimes, once we see the root of certain feelings, they're less profound, mysterious, devouring. It doesn't mean they go away, but they're manageable: a chilly breeze instead of a hurricane. They lose a lot of their power when they lose their mystery.

I haven't been in your place, but I have friends (and an ex) who have gone though similar spots in life.

It does sound like your job is a tough one, an environment that may be triggering some stuff inside of you. I say that because my ex was very depressed, and looking back I can see how it kind of affected (infected?) my own way of thinking. I'm generally a light, buoyant person, always able to smell the proverbial flowers regardless of what's going on. But I found that instinct fading, being replaced by a kind of anxiousness and malaise, and can only imagine that spending your days surrounded by people in the grips of very serious psychological turmoil may be taking a toll.

So maybe it's time to take a break, or to build up other parts of your life that dampen the affect of your work environment and allows you to engage in the parts of work that do bring you satisfaction.

At the risk of sounding like the wise old dude I'm not, I'll also say that twenty-five is almost always a hard time. One of those damn crossroads where a lot is stirring. I'm 38 now (on the eve of another big crossroads) and when I look back at 25 it's a bit like remembering what it was like to be lost in a desert, or trying to stay balanced on a ship in a storm. I was desperate for an anchor—in romance, in work—and when those anchors became unmoored I became unmoored. Eventually I kind of just accepted that feeling adrift is as much a part of life as feeling anchored, so I became less anxious during the drift-y moments.

I realize that probably doesn't bring much comfort—just another person saying it's a phase that will pass—but I guess I'm just letting you know that you're not alone. Not at all. All of my friends in their late 30s/early 40s have a version of the same story of mid-20s angst and despair. It's when a lot of us first got into therapy, come to think of it...

Thanks for being brave enough to post here, and know there are lots of ears interested, here to support in whatever way we can. Good for you for being proactive and taking the steps you need to get on a lighter path.

It's good that you are on the waiting list for a therapist... my experience in these situations is that our friends can only handle so much, and then they need to change the focus to other things. For most people, dealing with grief, loss, sadness etc. of others is very overwhelming and they aren't equipped to handle it. It doesn't mean they don't care, but personally speaking I wouldn't go to my friends for some of the deep, dark thoughts I experience. I tend to view my friends as my connections to be uplifted in other ways.

Therapists are much better for these sorts of things as they are trained to help you walk through your feelings, and be fully and completely supportive and focused on you.

It sounds like you have had some overwhelming things happen this year and that you are burnt out from your work... your feelings and thoughts ARE normal, no matter what they are, and completely valid for your situation... just because things are great on the outside doesn't erase the feelings you are having on the inside. Sometimes it can feel like they are going on forever... I can relate as I have off and on felt that way for a very long time... but I can tell you that as I have processed my feelings it has gotten easier and better day by day.

Take it one day at a time, do the things you need to do to move yourself forward, and yes it will get better eventually.

My heart goes out to you. Does your employer offer an Employee Assistance Program for your pressure-cooker job? I would think at least some form of counseling would be made available for the hospital employees.

I’m sorry for all you are going through. I am a happy person but years back I remember that there was a point in my life I felt insecure, worthless and became people pleaser. I understand that it’s difficult to deal with those negative feelings. I used to cry by myself and not even talked about it even to my husband. One day I was browsing the internet and found an article that talks about self worth and value. After reading and crying, I found myself searching for more resources and also led me to listen to inspirational messages. Those articles and sermons had helped to be back to my old self- a happy person and full of hope.

While waiting for your appointment, you can try to connect with a local church and talk to their Pastor. Most of the churches have care groups that can help you not to feel alone and feel less lonely. I’m sorry you are experiencing these feelings but I hope you will not give up. You are in my prayers. Please keep on posting. I hope you will feel better soon.

It sounds like you are burned out. The best thing you can do is get your resume updated and start looking for positions with a patient population that does cause as much burn out as this.

Do mood or thought disorders run in your family? Are you coping by using substances? Also improve your health with more regular activity, improved diet and better sleep hygiene. Do not forget to relax and do fun things with friends/family.

If you have regular health insurance it would be best to get a thorough checkup to rule out endocrine, metabolic, neurological or hormonal disorders. Start there. Talk therapy is a good adjunct to any problems you have but first rule out biological causes. You can't talk away a thyroid disorder or neurochemical imbalance.

I can afford a private therapist fortunately, I'm on the waiting list for one. I am actually thinking about quitting my job and to travel and take some time for myself to find a bit of peace.